I posted on the "Just found out" page with "geographically separated, but reaching in the heart". And although my WW and I are trying to start the recovery process, I'm running into a problem with OC.

Here is the problem, which my chaplain made me think about yesterday in a big way, although I'm not ready to face it yet:

My wife and I are both caucasian, very much so. Personally, my whole family comes from the middle of the cornfields. In the military, though, my wife and I each work with people of all races. My best soldiers are of all races! The problem for me is that the OM is hispanic, which means that the OC may come out looking very different from my WW or I. So far, almost no one in the family knows that it's not mine. When this child is born late this winter, there may be a lot of questions. I am fearful of this.

I love my wife, and have promised her that by the strength of God I will raise this child. I honestly, though, have no idea what my reaction will be when the child is born. The only thing that I do know right now about that day is that I will spend quite some time in tears on that day. of that, I am sure.

I fear the feelings that this is creating in me, the prejudices that may be taking shape, and the judgments of family. My sister just filed for divorce over her WH's A and the OC born of that, because he values this new family more than he values my sister. I will not do that, no matter what. Divorce does not exist in my world. A throughback to the 16th century I am.

Anyone who has been through this, please help??

Hello,
MY H is Hispanic and I am white. My kids do not look Hispanic. I believe that Fullhouse X-OM is hispanic too. I am not sure if Grace looks hispanic though.

What you are feeling is normal. And there are men here in your shoes. Hopefully, they will see this and respond to you. I am sure they can help more.
Dawn

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

Hi,
I have not been through this. I know that my H's Uncle's xW, had A's on him. Everyone knew or suspected that his youngest was not his. All the children take after him or his xW, this one looks like noneone in the family. My H's uncle, I think he knew, but he refused to hear of anyone saying that his youngest was not his. He made the decision that she was his daughter, when him and his xW divorced he continued to be her father and did not try to prove different. They both are caucasion, so the skin color is not a factor.

I have alot of respect for him because of this. You and your W, should discuss this. You might need to be honest with family, also firmly state that you have decided to raise this child as yours and you want your decision to be respected. As the child grows older, you can decide later what to tell the child. Outsiders will assume he or she was adopted.

The child could be born light complexion and you may not have to tell anyone if you so choose.

My advice is regardless of what the skin color is, stand by your wife, and insist that family and friends respect your decision and you want this child to be treated has if he or she is yours, because he or she will be yours, since you are the daddy he/she will know.

(I saw your thread, I don't normally post on this topic, in the main menu, yours caught my eye)

christiansoldier,,,, my w is fullhouse. she too had an affair with a hispanic man (snake). (meant towards the man not the race). her daughter grace did not turn out looking overwhelmingly hispanic. you can definately tell she is not my child our other 6 are all blonde. grace has brown hair and sort of brownish - hazel eyes. she is fairly light skinned (at this time,7 months old) but that may change as she grows older. my granddaughter is 1/2 white and 1/2 black (my appoligies if i am not politicaly correct). her father was a real [censored] and i did not know how i would feel towards her. but the Lord took my heart in his hand when she was born and openned it to where i feel she is has become my adorable buttercup. grace is my cute peanut. the both of us are a pair of saltines. grace is a very beautiful baby. precious to the core. for fh and myself the delivery room was a very somber place. we are sure that the dr's and nurses thought we were morbid but the air in the room when she was born was more like the atmosphere at a funeral. it was a very sad day and yet a very beautiful little person entered the world at the same time. there is also another couple on this board who went through the same emotions at delivery but i can't remeber their names just the h's response back to my post of pain. as far as people asking questions yes it will happen. it won't happen like you think however. people ask fh and i questions like "where did she get that dark hair?", and "are you guys catholic or morman?" i have started to respond that i am hispanic and that really confusses them. then they look at grace and say "oh now i see the hispanic in her".
i quess it depends on the kind of person you are and how far along you are in your recovery. i personally have always been a realist. i have nothing to hide and will answer any question you can think to ask. fh has filed for cs which is a very hot topic on this site. (PLEASE don't anyone get their panties in a twist over what i am goig to say as it pertains to my situation only). i am hoping that the cs court lays it on this clown so hard that it either chases him back to his homeland or just financaily ruins him. i have staed many times in the past why i feel in OUR situation cs is a must. any way i am another thow back to the old days, hell i have lived the old days. divorce is not part of my life style. it sounds as if you are committed to your marriage. but i have a couple of questions that you need to answer in order to move on. is your w also committed to your marriage? is your w through with the om? is your w committed to your marriage? do you believe your w is IN love with you? and why to all of them. i know there are many different ways to get around this marital problem but i think these are the first questions you need to answer.
pops

sorry, one other point i wanted to mention is that i also found myself starting to feel some distain for the latino males. ut i came to realize that i or anyone for that matter can blame a race or culture on a persons lack of virtue. i would have had to hate my w and that meant i would have had to hate myself because i am white also. remember she was the other half of the problem. and for me it was one of my employees a hispanic that helped me get through this mess more then any one else. as much as it sounds perverted he kept me laughing and was very supportive through the entire process. we are not complete yet but with some time and hard work i am sure we will get there.

----------------------

me - 50 w -49
m - 22 yrs
6 kids together 7,11,12,14,20.21
i have a 27 yr old son
we have 4 grand kids 5 on thursday (d to be induced if she doesn't drop kid before)
w's a - 4 mos spring 2001
d-day memorial day 2001
never separated at any time

this message is for pops......
i know i am getting up there in age but the last time i checked i was still 4 years younger than you....please dont speed up my aging process.
my apologies to everyone on this thread it just struck me funny that after 28 years he forgot my age....

oh and honey the 11 year old is still 10--hee hee

fh

lol sometimes we have to remind them of those things..

CS

I have a d by OM , When she was born my husband was there with me as well as my sister, brother. and we were all very excited, this baby was finally here, and although maybe the circumstances werent Ideal, but when friends came to visit my husband was just as proud and showing his baby girl off to all our friends. He loves our daughter very much.

We now have OM in our life and in my daughters life and the most difficult thing in the world is sharing that child with someone else.. Just about breaks my heart.. But OM said he wanted to be a part of it and I said I would give him a chance and for the most part he has done well.

As far as looks go, we have 5 and they all look different. and three were by my husband, one we adopted and now little one. But each is very special in his or her own way.

You just might find it isnt so hard to love someone so sweet and innocent.

and who cares what any one else thinks about it.. If your going to stand by your wife do so and the rest of the world can like it or not... shouldnt matter so much what they think.

By the way when d was born she had black hair and and dark skin... now she is very light complected and has the blondest hair.
I think it is so different when a family deals with this issue in the home from the begining, when a ww is pregnant You have to deal with it every day , every night, and it does not go away...But by the time the baby gets here you have gone to the dr. seen the ultra sounds, bought a gazillion things for the new baby and have adjusted somewhat to it happening. and will share all this with your wife. You dont know but it may bring you closer together.

one more thing
In the military there are so many different types of families working together in a community. I would guess most people would not question or care how your baby got here.

CS,
In regards to how other people will think if this child does not resemble you or your wife I don't think that it will be a big deal. I have three children who all look very different.

I have brown hair and brown eyes.
My H has brown hair and blue eyes.
xOM has blond hair and blue eyes.

My OS (with H) has brown hair and blue eyes.
My YS (with H) has blond hair blue eyes.
My D (with xOM) has brown hair and brown eyes.

It is more of a concern how YOU will feel about this child. I know that my H and Mof's H both love our D's as their own. And I know that pops has very loving feelings for Grace (his cute peanut). I think the hardest thing is to be able to seperate the child from the OM. The child is a person all his or her own. Innocent of everything. I think that is something that will come after the baby is born. I know my H had no interest what so ever during my pregnancy but seemed just as proud in the delivery room as he had been with our sons. She was a preemie and only wieghed 4 1/2 lbs. Very tiny. H got to hold her even before I did and was beeming from ear to ear. They had to take her directly to NICU where she stayed for 10 days. H was working and could not spend much time with her as the hospital was 1 hr away. He was worried that she was going to forget who he was by the time she came home.
I won't say that H and I have not had our share of problems and still are but his love for our D is one thing that has never been a question. It is very clear that he does not resent her in any way. He has been able to seperate her from everything that I have done.
I think knowing that you want to stay in your marriage and raise this child is the best start you can have on this. Feeling that way will make things easier I think. Don't beat yourself up for having feelings and concerns that are only human. Not everyone can do what you are about to embark on. That in itself says a lot.

Thanks to all who have responded. I appreciate the questions and comments.

My W and I are both committed to our marriage, and the OM is out of our lives (except for me pushing his boss to get him into counseling). I am pretty sure I'll be able to avoid the prejudice issues, becasue I still work with hispanic soldiers on a daily basis, and they, along with all my other soldiers, are great. What I am trying to do is to separate the OC from the OM. It is a daily struggle; sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose.

As far as family and other people go, I love my wife, and will stand by her till the end of eternity, even with the pain I still feel. I just have to set my mind, and figure out how and when it might be appropriate to let certain individuals in on the whole thing.

I would love to go through this with my wife, so the pregnancy can actually pull us together instead of pulling us apart, but being in the Middle East kind of prevents that right now. There are some days when she is feeling very sick, and I'm just feeling very emotional. On those days, it's all I can do not to say, "See what you get, no sympathy here." I love her so much, which makes it so much harder to deal with at times. She knows, there were days at the beginning of this, 29 days ago, when I wished that I could hate her and walk away, instead of having to face the pain.

Part of the problem is that my sister finally filed for divorce yesterday over a similar situation that his her. The big difference is that her H wouldn't let go of the OW or the OC; he valued the OC more than his W, my sister. You just can't do that. My wife values the OC inside of her, but she has realized what she has in our M, and that makes a big difference. God bless my wife.

I can't think of much else right now. It's been a long day over here, and I'm mentally and emotionally drained. Getting up at 4 a.m. every day and working till 5 p.m. will do that to you, I suppose. Again, thank you, and I look forward to more advice, because I fully admit that I am nowhere near getting through this.

One last question, though: I think I know what everyone will say, but I have to ask, was each of you BS's there when the OC was born? I know that my W will need me, because there is no one else who would stand next to her in that situation, except maybe the OM (not an option!). Part of me doesn't yet know if I could take it, though. My heart aches whenever I think about it, still.

Please pray for us.

My husband had a child with a one night stand of his. Although my situation is different...racially speaking-we are all white, I can empathize with the shame you feel. I put the child first. I understand you dont want everyone knowing your business or why you decided to stay when the betrayal is so severe. When I get upset, feel resentment, etc. I just remind myself that this kid didnt ask for all the adults around them to mess up. The kid just wants love and if I can show the child love above all else I am doing what I am called to do by God...offer love. Of all people in the situation the child is the completely innocent bystander. The love the child will eventually return to you for not holding them responsible for the sins of their parents will help make you stronger through the pain. When I am at my lowest I just remind myself that out of all the pain God granted the miracle of a child. God for whatever reason knew this child would need me in its life...just as the child you and your wife expect needs you. The struggles arent easy deal with them as them come but do as you have done...let God lead your path.

CS,

Well, I can definately understand where you are coming from. My H and I are the one's that Pops referred to in his first post to you. Yes, in the delivery room there was a lot of tension. I can only imagine the pain that was going through Sailorman at that time, but as he stated to Pops, when he spent the 2 nights at home with our other 2 children, he actually came to love Abbi. She is now another "Apple of his eye"! In fact, I think he may only have a little vision left, as there are three apples in his eye!(sorry, I couldn't resist a little levity there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) We can also understand the seperation due to you being overseas with the military. We just got over the last(hopefully) 6 month deployment of Sailorman's military career. It's not easy under normal circumstances, let alone when your W is pregnant.

As to your question about being in the delivery room with your W. You need to make that decision for yourself, but keep in mind that your being there is showing her how much you love and support her, even through a tough situation, such as this. You understand her repentance, and you want to be there for her. The love for the baby can/will come later. Your main focus is on your W at that point.

Now, as other's here have made comparisons, for us, all of our D's look like me, and our S looks like Sailorman. So, when we found out that we were having a little girl, we were a little more relaxed. Abbi does have little differences, but overall, she looks just like me. And, in my brother's family, he has 3 little girls who look nothing alike! It's pretty amazing, but they each have their own look!

As for telling family or friends, that is completely up to when, where and how. But, you should be sure that they hear it from you to avoid what happened with us. We hadn't even told Sailorman's parents that I was P till I was almost 3 months along! The reason is that his M tends to be very judgemental, and they were actually here visiting on D-day! I really didn't want to have to tell them, but it couldn't be avoided(obviously). Well, the only family members who knew the actually paternity situation were my parents, Sailorman's parents, my sister, and a cousin(her H is a judge, and we had asked him a few legal questions in regards to the situation). Well, my MIL took it upon herself to notify Sailorman's brothers and their wives of the true paternity! All under the guise of, "We need to pray for them and this is why!" Basically, she took the decision out of our hands, after Sailorman had requested of his father not to say anything! Her excuse to us was that she didn't want to lie anymore! Needless to say, there is some major tension between us, and I have no idea what it is going to be like when we transfer to our home state in 2 months! I will just have to deal with that when the time comes.

Well, I guess I got long winded, but am done for now. Abbi is demanding my attention. I am more than willing to answer any questions you may have for me. Hope I helped in some way.

Tigger

PS Fullhouse,
I liked your little responses to Pops! Unfortunately, Sailorman will not let me forget how old I am since I'm a year older! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

cs,,,, the part of having no sympathy here is one thing that still is hard for me to handle sometimes. when fh gets frustrated with the pressures of dealing with our kids and grace i sometimes want to say " what did you expect?" but i don't say anything and try to help out in someway to ease her anquish.

the part about being able to be in the delivery room. i said that it was very difficult. let me say it this way it was the hardest thing emotionally that i have ever gone through in my life. i have lost both of my parents and my mother was the victim of a long agonizing death. but the delivery room was by far the most heart wrenching thing i have ever been through. no question. the part that made it so very hard was my intense pride. i stood by and had to watch my w go through the same joyful pain that she went through with our 6 children. watching her bake this beautiful little peanut concieved through such lies. after about a week it was much easier to separate grace from the om. it still hurt for a while when i saw fh cuddling grace with the same affection she cuddled our kids with. and although grace was adorable i saw nothing of me in her that i could be prooud of. now it's different. there are things that i do with her that i did with all our others and once i came up with my pet name for her (all my kids have one) it sort of seemed like some kind of special bond formed in my heart.
i must appoligize about getting my w's age wrong. i was writing and thinking of my brother who just got out of the hospital from a calapsed lung and he is 49. oh hell it's just to damn many birthdays and ages to remember at my age.

Thanks for the input. I'm set to try to be there in the delivery room when the time comes. I love my W too much not to be.

As for family. My MIL went through something similar in their marriage, so she knows the whole story, and has been a blessed counselor through this whole thing. My family all know that my WW is pregnant, but no more. My family arrived to where we were on leave the evening of D-day, too early for us to tell anyone anything, and my father's dad died 3 days later. Couldn't realistically tell them at that point; it would have been just too much between grandpa's death, my sister's failing marriage, and now this?

Trying to juggle what is right for all parties is no joke. I'd prefer not to have to tell anyone anything. My WW initially wanted to tell everyone everything right away, but that would have just made her feel better to get it off her shoulders. Took her a couple days to realize it was a selfish thought. She backed down, at my request, to give my side of the family time to grieve and deal with everything else. Still don't know how long is appropriate to wait.

God help us, and thanks to all of you who are or have been through this. It's a shame that there are so many of us. I dearly hope and pray that I never put my wife through this, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

CS:

My wife had an affair that resulted in a pregnacy, and this child is now 3.5 years old. Although there's not a mixed race issue, I've been told everything from "he looks just like you" to "he doesn't look anything like you at all...". Just smile and enjoy it.

If you were at the birth of your other children and enjoyed this, then I'd definitely encourage you to attend. I always find the birth of a child an amazing, holy experience---and there was no difference with our youngest. I think it's natural to wonder how you will deal with this young 'interloper'---I'd be worried if you weren't considering it. But I'd ask you to consider how it would be if it were your own biological child---would you be looking forward to the birth? The bottom line will be that if you enjoy children and look forward to their arrival with anticipation and love---you'll be just fine with this new addition. I look at my youngest and see him not as a daily reminder of the affair, but as a gift from God for standing for my marriage. He's a joy and delight to me every day...

And I'll keep you in my prayers.

God help us, and thanks to all of you who are or have been through this. It's a shame that there are so many of us.

cs You are right... I had know Idea .. to be honest I thought my husband and I were alone in this.. It has been amazing to find people who know about the same things and I truly like hearing from the husbands because it helps me see some things my h might be thinking. and we can talk and share, He wont post but he will read things if I ask him to..

He talks about some of the post and makes comments once in a while.

I think he was suprised as well, their were men who have been in his place.

My husband says loving our little one is so easy and takes no work at all, every one thinks she looks like him and not OM any way.. I think he secretly likes that part... she has big blue eyes and I dont but H does, but OM does not.

He does say every once in a while he sees something, but he says it passes but doesnt change his love.. I can tell you if I were to divorce he would fight to see her just as he would the rest of the children.
And I would think he would deserve it.. and not to insult OM.. But hey H has been there from day one for that girl... every day... he deserves it and has earned that right.

Its great that your standing buy your wife and that you love her.. She will need you through this...

K
You have a way with words... I think one of the most supportive people I have seen on this site.. I know there are many.. but your words always stand out.