Everything in my life has changed so much recently that I thought I could use a new name too. I see though that not much has changed around here.I'm sorry so many people still feel the need to lump certain people into a category and assume that they know all about them. If I did that then I guess I wouldn't believe a word that all the BS's on here say. You see, I've been told so many times on here that my H must love me very very much to have stayed with me after what I did. I really believed those folks too. I guess no one ever thought that maybe it was just his pride, or that he had too good of a thing going, or that it was just for the sake of our boys. The majority of the BS's on here claim to do ALL the work in repairing the marriage while the WS just sits in a fog. Well my case is different.

When I decided that it was my H that I wanted to be with and that I wanted to make my M work, the fog had already lifted. My H did take me back but that was about the extent of his actions. I was the dutiful, remorseful wife. Trying hard to make ammends and change what was wrong in our M. H on the other hand didn't want to admit that we had any problems. I went through my pregnancy completely alone. The ultra sound lady looked at me with such pity when I showed up all alone at the hospital, during a raging snow storm, an hours drive away, for my ultra sound. H was there for the birth and does love my D very much but he left me all on my own after the birth. Not helping one bit. It got to the point where I passed out twice from exhaustion. I still thought that he just needed time and kept on plugging away. Finding this site and trying to get him interested in it. Buying books and trying to get him to read them. Trying to get him to open up and talk to me about anything at all.

Well I have been on my own for 2 weeks now. H and I are getting along very well. For the first few days it was me who told him that I missed him and that I loved him. He would respond in kind but only after I said it first. I don't say it anymore. I've been by the house a few times and the grass is 2 ft tall. It hasn't been cut since the last time I did it. My beautiful flowers are all dead. The inside of the house isn't too too bad, but then he only has himself to clean up after. He called me one night to go over the check book with him cause he was having one heck of a problem with it. After about a half hour on the phone with him I said "see? It's not so easy is it?". Well he made sure that I knew that it was no big deal and he just needed to get used to it. In fact he's made sure that I know that he is getting on fine without me and that he just misses the kids. Sadly the only thing that I am finding that I appreciated about him was the money he brought home. He has given me $50 a week for child support since I left. Says that is all he can do right now yet he is looking to buy a new truck and has already bought a new 32" TV. We have no child support agreement. I can see that I am going to have to get one. Aside from the money I am having no problem getting by on my own. xOM is also being a jerk about money. Our child support agreement was based on 1/2 my H's income which I no longer have. He gives me $90/week which he says he will not change unless I take him back to court. Neither of these men realise that they couldn't even get a sitter for 40 hrs a week on what they give me. And I have to pay for all of thier necessities out of that money too. I'm not thinking very highly of men at all right now, sorry. Aside from that I am getting along fine with both men at the moment. They seem to be very happy with the arangements they have. Lot's of free time, no responsibilties, and little financial obligation.

In any case I am enjoying my time with my kids who are all getting on remarkably well considering everything. Right now they are my main concern. And sorry to all you anti CS people out there but I am going after these men for reasonable support. Not for me, for my kids.

Dear WIB/GIT

I'm so sorry. Whenever this happens to one of us, I think we all feel it deeply. I don't remember how many kids you had with your husband but I am glad to hear they are doing OK. I bet the reason they are is because of you.

Reading about how you drove alone in a snow storm for an hour broke my heart. And while, it is heart wrenching to have things turn out the way they did, your husband's cold treatment of you makes me think you haven't lost that much in the sense of a proactive involved partner. I don't mean to make light or diminish at all.

As far as CS, no one here is against CS. There are no "anti" CS here, not even me. I think everyone here agrees that children need financial support. I don't think anyone disputes that or wants to see any child go without. The problems come when courts ignore the other obligations of the bio-dad and the needs of the family of origin is ignored/dismissed and relegated to unimportance. Punitive, arbitrary amounts trigger outrageous responses from Betrayeds as it adds insult to injury, and understandably so.

GIT, as long as there are BS and OW's occupying this site, it is completely unrealistic to think that things will always run smoothly here because they won't. There will always be wars between the polar opposites, and there will be truces. In fact, although our exchanges may disturb some, I find them somewhat healthy. I think instead of mild scoldings about how things haven't changed around here, perhaps we could all just agree that until we are judged and resurrected, we will continue to be human beings struggling for answers and come to accept the fact none of us are perfect and accept the fact there will be passionate debates.

We get so many people coming here telling us that we should just try to get along, and in a perfect world, that is ideal, of course. But it defies human nature, especially in our case. I think considering the volitility of our special circumstance, we do extremely well. I am not afraid of the exchanges and think they are healthy and cathartic.

You are brave, GIT. I hope you will stay with us here and spar, vent and offer advice and comfort. I know your situation can help others facing the same.

Wishing you all the best,

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as CS, no one here is against CS. There are no "anti" CS here, not even me. I think everyone here agrees that children need financial support. I don't think anyone disputes that or wants to see any child go without. The problems come when courts ignore the other obligations of the bio-dad and the needs of the family of origin is ignored/dismissed and relegated to unimportance. Punitive, arbitrary amounts trigger outrageous responses from Betrayeds as it adds insult to injury, and understandably so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not against CS either...as a matter of fact, while we were screwed in court by the court not recognizing my son (we were told that I take care of son and he's not counted...they didn't care that I was a H-O-H stay-at-home mom) I am on the other hand getting a pitiful amount of Cs from my Ex-hubby whose total amount doesn't even cover bi-polar dinobon's meds....I can see exactly both sides of the issue as I am on them.

All I ask for is for fairness in paying CS for our OC. The first thing I told our ex-ow that she is getting her money pending the DNA outcome. I know from experience what it is like to be a single mother and trying to raise babies by myself.

Once again, we are hitting up our retirement fund to pay bills and get me a new hearing aid...since we are absolutely behind in payments for everything...summer is a lean time for my H in his line of work...most of the OT for his job is in the winter with the holidays and Mardi Gras.

I'm praying that they will approve the money we are withdrawing so that I can get my hearing aid and go back to school because when I become a teacher, I will use a substantial amount of my income to replace retirement and to build an addition to our house...we have 6 people living in an 1100 Sq. ft. house.

I think CS should be fair and I think it should adequately represent both sides of the equation...but the laws are biased and unfair in many cases.

I hope you decide to stay also...I agree with catnip...it's an interesting mix we have here...

Hugs,
Twiisty

GIT,

Focus on your kids right now, but in doing so don't forget yourself. Thanks for the update, I've been wondering how you were doing.

Like the new name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GIT,

I am so glad you came by with an update.
Go for the CS honey, the men are fools to tell you to go back to court and not work it out with you. Let it be their mistake.
You sound different somehow, from posts pre-seperation. You don't sound as unhappy, or as frustrated for some reason, maybe its just me; although I hope I am right.

I like your new name:)

CM

GIT,

I am so sorry that your marriage has come to this. I do believe that both your H and OM should indeed be supporting the children and the numbers you mentioned won't do that. I do hope that things do come together for you so that you can indeed Get It Together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

git,,,,,, just a quick question. you said that your cs from exom was based partially on your h's income. are you saying that the court considered half of your h's income as yours in determining your exom's cs?

Catnip and twiisty,
I appologize for my remarks about CS. I just know that it is a touchy subject here and I guess I was anticipating some kind of bashing for wanting more than what I am getting. I don't want to eat caviar or drive a mercedes but I do want to be able to support me and my kids. It just bothers me that both these men seem to think that all I want is to stick it to them and take all thier money while I'm the one living on foodstamps. I do plan to stick around and thanks for letting me know that you'd like me to. I still don't know what my future holds but right now it's nice to know that I can come here for support.

DG, I am enjoying my kids so much right now. The boys actually would rather be here with me because so many more of their friends are close by. We've already had three sleepovers and we've only been here for 2 weeks. I was a little afraid that the parents of their friends might not like my situation but they have been great. I do get more "me" time now than I did before and I like that too. My apartment is almost the same size as the old house. The house has 2 bedrooms and the apartment has 3. But my housework is all done by 10am and instead of doing laudry every other day I only do it twice a week now. So I do have it good it that respect.

CM,
You are right about the CS. I have been so worried about upsetting both of these guys but I know I have to look out for me and my kids now.
As far as sounding happier, I think that I just don't have the tension that I had before. Sure there are problems (mostly money) but I like the independence that I have found. I know that I can do everything myself and take of myself.

JL,
I wish both these men could see it the way you do. I honestly think that they both want me to fall flat on my face and they are trying to make that easy for me to do. The thing is, if I can't make it finacially then I have to go crawling to one or the other because I have no place else to go. I will eat dog food before I do that.

Pops,
exOM's lawyer was a real slimeball. I'm not even sure if what he did was legal. When the original CS order was made xOM was ordered to pay $124/week. This order was based on zero income from me because I was not working. xOM came crying to me saying there was no way that he could afford that (making $40,000/year) and said that he would not be working as much overtime so could we please lower it. I said ok. well at the final support hearing his lawyer gets up and says how xOM is not going to be making as much money so they redid the figures with my approval and came up with the $90/week. So I have copies of both orders. The first one and the second one. xOM's income stayed the same on both copies. On the first copy my income was zero. On the second copy my income went up to $10,000. I didn't notice this till much later and questioned xOM. He said his lawyer said that it would just be easier to take into account my husbands income to bring the numbers down. So now I have no income from H to consider and xOM still won't increase payments unless I take him back to court. Which I will. I don't know the laws or know if this was legal. If it was then why didn't they do it the first time around? I don't know what to tell you. These are all things that I am going to be finding out for myself soon.