I would like to start a family with my fiancee and her daughter. My fiancee refuses to discipline or provide guidance to her daughter in any way. The Crystal does NO chores. She was wearing thong underwear by age twelve. From 12 years old she lied to us and told us she was going one place, but never wound up at other places. She has never been disciplined for lying. I believe that by letting her get away with lying, we are teaching her that it will be OK to have bigger lies, and to disobey us. She has rung up 800 dollar phone bill on my phone, but it is considered mean to make the child take ANY responsibility. (In fact, because she rang up such a large bill, she was given her own cricket phone). I believe that is rewarding a child for doing inappropriate behavior.
This week Crystal , now 14 years old, climbed out her window and went to a party where alcohol was served. She was returned to us after being picked up at the police station by her older sister. She has had little to no punishment for this very dangerous issue. I believe that she should be grounded and have privileges revoked. The only punishment Crystal received was having her phone privileges revoked, which I feel was too little. By the very next day the child was using the phone, right in front of us. I mentioned that she was supposed to be on phone restriction, and I was made to be the bad guy. I feel that this is teaching the child a very very bad lesson, that there are little to no consequences for very dangerous behavior. I feel that because of permissiveness and indulgence, we are hurting Crystal. I do not believe she knows right from wrong. I do not believe she will develop the skills she will need to function as a healthy and happy adult.I do not believe it is wrong to guide, mold, lead and discipline a child. And of course, I believe in positive discipline, praise, love, affection, too. Should a child be given guidelines about good and bad, means to an end, that there is a path to a goal, should she be given the skill to be able to postpone gratification, should she learn responsibility and should she know that lying is wrong? If so, will giving the child anything they want, and never giving them any substantive punishment for serious and dangerous breaches of rules hurt the child?
Because I am so appalled by this situation, I am considered unreasonable and mean. My fiancee who is perfect in just about every other way, except for I consider poor parenting skills, has threatened to move out and end our relationship because of this. My future marriage and my step daughter's future is at stake! PLEASE help us with an solution!
Some background. My fiancee grew up in boarding school and has little to no modeling a nurturing and guiding parent. Her two older daughters left her house at the same age because they didn't like her rules. I believe that my fiancee is indulging Crystal because she is afraid of losing her. But this is causing her to indulge Crystal to a dangerous level, almost to the point of abuse.

Hello,

It is my opinion your fiancee is destroying any future her daughter will have. I also believe that this permissive attitude will destroy your marriage if you marry her. This daughter will drag the entire family down with her. If your girlfriend refuses to set any type of boundaries on her daughter then I would strongly suggest that you seek someone else to marry. I am a step dad and you will be absolutely miserable if boundaries are not set up. I think you know this also. The examples you gave are unbelievable. She gets rewarded for terrible behavior. This daughter disrespects her mother and your girlfriend is an enabler. She is in fact the worst type of parent.
I am an educator for over 30 years and I have seen this type of behavior many times leading to tragic results. Don't let yourself get sucked up into this. I wish you luck because you will need it.

Why you would wish to have a child with such a woman is beyond me....I vote for RUN - DON'T WALK!!!!!!. You could suggest family counseling. However, I doubt your fiance would be agreeable.

I agree with cinderella! I know you feel in love with this girl, but the way things are going it won't last! And do you really want a child of your own brought up this way. That's what you'll get if you have one with her. And considering she already has one and is doing it, there's no way you can expect anything different just because another child belongs to you too. It'll just cause more conflict and you'll end up busting up over that if you don't before then. Like she said, RUN!!!!!!!! DON'T WALK...........RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It ain't gonna get better just because you guys have a kid together!!!!!!
Take care of yourself first right now. You're not married yet. If things get better with her daughter, then there might be some hope. But don't put everything you are into it before it gets better. You'll go insane. Believe me, I had a stepdaughter that did lots of lying (never stopped - not yet) and got into trouble with the law too. Her dad refused to do anything about it. No consequences for her actions. And after 4 1/2 yrs of that combined with no poja on his part, plus the abuse from him I finally ahd enough! It ripped me apart and my brother had to take care of me for a couple of days until I could get back on my feet. I put my all in it and I got pulled under.
BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!

Becki