Only speaking for myself, here....

I know what I did was wrong. I knew it at the time it was going on and I know it even more now that its over. But I closed my mind to the truth. Even deluded myself into believing my own b.s.that God actually led my MM into my life so that I'd have someone to love me when my marriage ended.

I believed all of MM's stories about what a bytch his wife was. He actually helped me not to have compassion for her. Not that that excuses me for what I did, because it doesn't. But his "victim" mentality made me feel like I was actually helping him out of his misery. (Gimme a break, I know....)

I was guilty of the same tactics with MM against my husband. I made my husband seem worse than he was. Just so I could justify and continue with what I was doing.

When the light bulb finally came on (more like a 2x4 upside the head) I ended it. Not looking for kudos here, but it was me who decided to end it.

Yes, damage was done to both families. And I own up to my responsibility in helping to cause that damage. And I know this doesn't make anything better, but I've asked for forgiveness from God, my husband, the MM and, yes, even his wife. Now I have a child to raise (product of my affair) and try to teach him, as best I can, the lessons I have learned.

My husband and I have decided against contact, visitation, or child support. We just want to work on our marriage and raise our son in a happy and healthy environment. We feel that the less distractions, the better.

All BS's, please know this, I'll carry the regret of what I've done with me till I die. If there's anything I could do (short of what I'm already doing by no contact) I would do. But, I'm still here, still have a life to live and hopefully God can/will still use me in spite of my mistakes and shortcomings.

I don't want to anger anyone. Not looking for a pat on the back, or a kick in the pants. I just thought that given some of the discussion threads of late, it might be helpful for some of you to see the contrition of one particular OW.

NPLH,

There is a handful of OW who have made a niche for themselves here. Believe it of not, there is room and the BS's here are a pretty good bunch. But like everyone else in this world, they have their bad hair days....well, maybe I should say WE. I'm not a BS, but am also subject to having horrendous, bed head, can't do nothin' with it, hair days. FYI: I am an OW WITHOUT a H...so I'm a real oddball here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OB1

NPLH

Pat.. Pat... Pat.... Pat..... Please let me affirm you in your decisions. I don't believe anyone here at MB would be angry at what you have written. The goal of this web site is the restoration of marriages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Please continue to post. Many BS's will be encouraged by your story. God is already using you.

Guardian
Ephenians 3:20 "Unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."

Thank you. Thank you for your honesty and your courage to be honest with yourself. Welcome, NPLH...I for one am very glad you are here.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I know this doesn't make anything better, but I've asked for forgiveness from God, my husband, the MM and, yes, even his wife. Now I have a child to raise (product of my affair) and try to teach him, as best I can, the lessons I have learned.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats all any one can do and live your life and make your marriage work. Thats all any one can do.

Good luck on your decision of no contact, I do know that was not an easy decision.

I am sure many struggle with that issue, I know I did.

NPLH,

Our xOM/MM are very similar in the web that they wove to "attract" us. He also played the victim role to a "T", and I fell into it(even though I know for a fact that there was some truth to what he was saying, most of it was so minor, that it was like that verse about the speck of dust in someone's eye when you have a plank in your own!)

I, myself, have also apologized to most of those involved in this situation, but I have not apologized to his W. For those of you who are new, and those who don't remember, xOM's W left 2 1/2 months before D-day, and w/xOM being in the military, waiting for a med. discharge, she wasn't coming back. xOM knew that since he was arrested for assult(on my H on D-day) that he was going to be charged with the assult, his command would "officially" know of the A, and he was in deep [censored]! He turned VERY ugly at that point, and even though my H said that he would just drop the whole thing, it doesn't happen that way in the military. Once your command knows of something like this, they don't let it go! Needless to say, my H, our neighbor(who pried H and xOM apart) and I all went to his "trial". H and neighbor were "ordered" to do so, and it was requested of me. H didn't say a word, I testified to the truth, as did the neighbor. Why do I bring this up in regards to an apology, well, I didn't want to cause any further pain on xOM's W, and I know, from experience, that upon discovery, an apology from the OW is very painful, and not believable. H and I figured the best thing we could do for xOM's W would be to leave it were it was, and if she wanted to repair her M, then she would have no worries of any more trouble.

In fact, I have always said that if xOM ever does learn of Abbi, I would NEVER want him involved in her life! Why? He is VERY violent(his med discharge was pending on a surgery he had that caused him to be quite limited in his activities, to the point of if he isn't careful, he could cause paralisys or death! and still he attacked my H!), and threatened my H's life, and attacked H in front of our older D! Anyone who could do that, and then say that the only thing keeping him from killing my H right then and there was my D's face in the window doesn't deserve to have any children, or even know about them! Also, the most important thing in this guy's life is money, so we have a buffer to keep him away as well, you want visitation, you pay for it!

Knowing what xOM's W had coming back to her, I didn't want to make anything worse by apologizing for what she already knew was going on! In fact, if she hasn't already divorce this creep, I would be amazed, unless he has totally changed his ways! Let's just say that I am not his only "conquest", and that she had proof of that, which xOM got his hands on and destroyed!

There is much more to my story, and some of it is almost like a crazy story that no one would believe, but I think that you and your H have made the right choice w/no contact! It just makes it that much easier, only the 2 of you in the M, parenting together your child! Keep up the good work on repairing your M, and again, welcome to this site!

Love,

Tigger

Noplacelikehome, I appreciate your honesty, actions of responsibility, and desire not to hurt the MM's family further.

I look forward to more of your posts.Welcome.

Good luck in the recovery of your M.

Nice to meet you NoPlaceLikeHome. I am a FWS also. I also ended it even long before I gave birth to my daughter. My husband knows everything, we have no contact at all and are raising our daughter in an environment without all the chaos too. Anyway, just wanted to welcome you and let you know that yes, there are other FWS on here that are pretty much in the same place as you.

Ann <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NPLH,

What a breath of fresh air your post was.

I can't put my finger on what exactly you said that was so awesome .... but it was more your tone.

I wish some of our other posters would have such an open, honest and loving spirit as you.

You seem humble and sincerely empathetic to all those who have been hurt by your actions.

And regardless of what anyone says, I'll admit it (and other BS are probably thinking it) ... the greatest amends you could ever give a BS in a situation like ours is to disappear from xMM and his wife's life forever.

You have blessed her (and him) with the room to heal their marriage and rebuild a marriage without the constant reminder and/or distraction of your and your child's presense.

Many many of us were willing to welcome OC into our homes and our lives ... and many of us did ... it still was very very hard with that everyday reminder of the terrible pain.

And you have blessed your marriage in the same stroke. To not have to struggle with visiation, shuttling your child back and forth between homes, making decision on whether or not he/she should contine a relationship with xMM's wife if they should divorce, consulting xMM on YOUR decisions regarding your child, deciding where your child will spend birthdays and holidays, etc.

I can't imagine having to make a decision about my child with my H and then having to consult a third party (xMM) too.

Maybe I'm old fashion, but I like the nuclear family idea.

And for you H to not have to face your xMM and look him in his eyes knowing what he knows. That pain can be overwhelming even on your best days. What a blessing to him. An absolute gift of love.

I welcome you to OUR board. I look forward to getting to know you better. You are in good company, and you will get along fabulously with our resident former OW who we love and respect. Tigger4JDT, Obratti1, BinThereDoneThat are three of my favorites. They always come armed with kind words of encouragement and cyber hugs.

Congratulations on rebuilding your marriage. Tell me ... do you and H practice MB?

Welcome again,
Z.

Welcome NPLH, as a BS, I will say your post was definitely a breath of fresh air. It does help to remember that the individual on the other end of the affair triangle is another human being, and not a monster. Thank you and I also look forward to hearing from you more.

Hi Noplacelikehome! I love your screenname. I agree--there is NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

Wow! You all are such a blessing. I printed your replies out so I can carry them with me. All I can say is that God is using you to heal me.
And I pray He uses me in some way to heal you.

Am looking forward to getting to know each of you better and learn how Marriage Builders has helped you in your quest for a happy and healthy marriage.

Again, from a BS (heh) perspective

While it is nice you are able to apologize...

That, at least for me, is not what I want from the xOW.

Of course, I would never get one, because she is a psycho.

All I really want is to move on, past all this stupid drama and on to something real, something tangible. I want her to GO AWAY and let us live our lives in peace.

By doing that for the MM's W, you have done much more than an apology would.
Just my .02!
EJ

Madly Truly Deeply

Cool name. I like your moniker.

Catnip =^^=

No Place Like Home

Ain't that the truth?

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

No place,
I just wanted to weigh in with another hello. I am an xOW about to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with a lovely, supportive and appropriate partner. A Single guy if you can imagine that!

I'd be sunk without these guys.

Welcome aboard!

WOW, you are a breath of fresh air. And you are truely sincere. It feels good to hear that there are some OW that have feelings of regret and to apoligize double WOW! I have to keep reminding myself that we are only humans and we are not perfect. I'd truely like to hear more of you. By the way I'm new here too:)

Noplacelikehome, a very warm welcome. I really admire you.

ember

Good post NPLH!

Just goes to show, some people come out of the fog, while others never do...

J
in recovery 4 years and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi NPLH

I felt your honesty. I'm a BS and it does feel good to hear your heart felt honesty.

Dear NPLH,

Welcome to the boards. I loved your post. I am thrilled to see it when someone gets it. For me, it did help the exOW apologized to me.

MJ