Ok, I stole this topic from another one (on Other Topics), and at the time I read that, I felt that if my H could meet my ENs, then the more petty stuff could fall by the way side. Now I'm not so sure.

My H and I married super young (18), and by all accounts it was a really bad idea. Of course, I was dumb and thought love could conquer all.

Now, I'm really unsure about my M. Our relationship was bad, really bad, and now it is better. We talk more and fight less, and I don't feel emotionally abused anymore. I think we are at the crux of some matters, and I need some feedback on them...

We are complete opposites. He hates everything I like, and vice versa. We struggle over a simple meal out or on what movie to see. We struggle over TV shows and childrearing. We struggle over religion, over clothing, over goals and visions of the future.

He wants a new truck. I want a house.

He wants to watch WWF, I like CSI.

He wants to see an action movie, I like anything but (I'm easy!).

He wants to cuddle and no SF, I want both.

He wants to smoke, I want to talk and spend time together.

He wants to rent movies, I want to read a book.

He wants a dog, I don't want anything he won't clean up after.

He doesn't care about religious celebrations, I do (I am somewhat religious, he is atheist).

He wants "time together" on Sunday nights, I want to see my family on Sunday nights (H and I spend all day Sunday together alone or with our son).

He refuses to meet my EN for affection through romance, no matter how I beg, plead, demand (LB I know), or simply ask.

I know there are compromises to many of these issues, and we have found them in the past. But I still feel empty. I feel like I should just start over with someone who is even a tiny bit more like me, more understanding and intellectual. Isn't that why people get together to begin with? Why not just go hunting for someone new. I feel like I'm trying to mold him in to someone he's not. Is that fair to him? And yet, on the other hand, I'm tired of giving in on every little thing I want in my life.

Don't know, and I know I sound selfish, but that's the nice thing about depression--it lets you not give a F%^& about stuff like "looking selfless". I don't care how I sound, I just want to be happy...

EJ

Anybody out there?

It's late Tuesday, and I just found out my H is carrying a 1000 dollar balance on a credit card I paid off and he supposedly cut up.

Pretty sure we're heading for divorce, very depressed, just wondering if anyone was there tonight........

((((((((((EJmom2B))))))))))

Sorry that you are having such a tough night.... Among many other things that you are probably aware of, I was wondering if you sense a power struggle in your relationship?

Instead of WWF/CSI, etc, what about negotiating for a consensus. What about Policy of Joint Agreement? Both of you would get what you want, even if you are night and day.

BOTH of you then would satisfy your "taker" and your "giver". That means you don't have to "give up" your dreams. And you don't have to end up feeling selfish either.

Your H doesn't either. In fact, if done actively and respectfully, you may find yourself becoming more generous, happy, optimistic.

It was wierd/still is for my H and I but, you could say to your H... "I would like to negotiate with you what we will do/see/etc. Would you like to negotiate with me towards a mutually satisfying outcome?"

If he balks, reassure him that BOTH of you must Enthusiastically agree, and you won't settle until he is happy too (if he thinks this is just a ploy to see CSI, for instance.

Another thing: You're actually in a great place. Finding out what you want in life is sometimes incredibly hard to do.

What you listed above sounds to me NOT like a list of problems, but a goal sheet.

Let's start with a simple one:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "He wants a dog, I don't want anything he won't clean up after.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Policy of joint agreement:
He wants: Dog
You want: "I don't want anything he won't clean up after"


Solution A: He agrees to all care, maintenance of said dog, if this does not happen, he agrees that you both will then sell dog.

Solution B: You agree to feed and water dog. He agrees to walk, clean up doo in the backyard. If this does not happen, then you both agree that you will give to neighbors who have been looking for a dog.

Solution C: You agree to get a small dog that does not require major excercise. He feeds the dog on weekends, you feed weekdays. You clean doo in backyard, he mows yard every weekend and does his own laundry. If this does not happen, you will sell the dog.

Okay, I really could go on forever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> , but I'm sure that you got the point a long time ago. The point is to agree, follow through on agreement. Let him know if you both agree with Solution A, and YOU pick up just one piece of doo, the dog will be sold. End of Convo.

Hold him responsible to any agreement. Be responsible for holding up yours too. Being consistent in this regard will make YOUR life a happy place, and create trust.

And, just because you got married when you were young, doesn't mean that you made a mistake. Not giving your M effort would be the mistake.

As stated in your post, you've already noticed that your communication in general is getting better and better, both of you worked on that, and that is something that you've done together.

Someone on this site has a signature that says something about roses don't grow without some hard/tedious work....

Anyway, know this is a long post, but don't give up on your M OR your dreams. And hope all goes better, tonight as well.
-bbs

Hi EJ I don't have a lot to say but I do agree with Blue 100%

Hmmm....

Sounds like you guys have been incompatible for a long time, not just since the A & OC...

I'm just wondering tho, before you go find someone who you believe is more suited to you, how could you change to be more compatible? I mean what could you change about yourself to make the relationship flow more smoothly? Do you feel like you have already done this?

The reason why I ask is because sometimes when we change, even if the other person never changes, it doesn't matter what they do or don't do anymore--because we've changed!

Many of the incompatibilities you mentioned seem like you could work around--get two tv's both equipped with vcr's, for one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let him get the dog and let the dog crap all over the place and simply refuse to clean up after it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Religion is a biggie because of core values and how to raise the kids, but you probably didn't see that one coming when you were 18 and so in love!

SF with affection is a biggie too... And, if affection is one of your top EN's and your H is either unable or unwilling to be taught how to meet it, that can be very frustrating and depleting to your Love Bank. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

People can be taught how to meet the EN for affection. Have you read the article on "How to Meet the Need for Affection?" If not, you should read it and you should also print it out for your H to see if he would be willing to follow the suggestions listed therein.

Two of the most difficult words I ever taught myself to say after saying "I DO" were "OKAY, HONEY!" I sympathize with you, but try it and see what happens??? Somebody has to give in OR is that the real issue? Are you tired of giving in???????

"You say to-mah-to, and I say to-may-to...let's call the whole thing off"

It almost sounds you two are so engrained in such an old behavior pattern of stubborness that it is actually painful for either of you to give into the other.

Sometimes people won't give into the other because of pride, sometimes it is competition and one-upmanship with each other, but one thing for sure, if the two of you have always been like this, neither of you have been getting anything you need from each other, and setting yourselves up for some pretty catastrophic situation...like affairs.

It's not selfish to want to be happy, everyone does. You might find happiness together with some therapy...or prayer.

As for the credit card...what did he buy?

I am so sorry you are feeling so down and so negative about the marriage...I don't know what to say except this divorce talk could just be your depression. Is your husband willing to get into intensive thereapy with you to resolve all these old habits or is he too wrapped up in having it his way at any cost? What about you? Are you willing to try to fix this or is your pride standing in the way...or do you secretly just want out?

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, praying that God will guide you both.

Love

Catnip =^^=

PS No one should feel as though they are giving up anything if both are focused on the other, then everyone wins and feels some fulfilment...the payoff is closeness and something deeper and more meaningful for both of you...

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Hi, EJ,

I agree with much of what has already been written but wanted to let you know that I feel for what you are going through.

Over the 10+ years of my marriage I have felt very similar to how you described - he wants vs.what I want. Although some of the items you listed seem more serious than the others (religious differences, family stuff), I think a lot of it could be creatively negotiated (as the others have suggested).

Like you, I fell into the trap of thinking it would be easier to just start over with someone new. I wanted someone who didn't pick their feet when we watched t.v. together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , who didn't run out to check the waves early on Sat. mornings when I wanted to snuggle, who wasn't so messy, etc., etc...

But you know what, over time I'd probably end up right in the same deadlock with the new person. Maybe over different "peeves" but feeling the same frustration. Because the truth of the matter is that no matter who I was with, we would have differences that would need to be negotiated. Its just the nature of two very different people trying to become one. I used to think it was downright impossible (laughable, even) to put a man and woman together and expect them to live together in harmony.

But then it hit me. Harmony... Harmony in music is when 2 DIFFERENT notes are combined to make ONE beautiful chord. By themselves they are adequate, but when played together they are full, rich, complementary.

That's what we need to strive for. Harmony. Don't major on the minors. Strive for win-win solutions. Then when something really big comes up (like him meeting your EN's, family stuff, church) perhaps he'll be more willing to listen and compromise because he's seen you trying so hard not to love bust on the other - "smaller" stuff. Not to say that you don't have legitimate complaints. Please don't get me wrong. I know all too well how the seemingly "small" stuff can grow bigger and bigger until it becomes a major problem.

But you said so yourself. You've come so far. You know how to communicate. My suggestion is to start there. Don't give up. Dont' let Satan win. He would just love to defeat you only to have you wind right back where you are now with someone else - or God forbid, worse off! He is a liar and wants us to believe that marriage is a big joke - that we're just 2 different - that we can't get along. But we can. With God's help (and often times the help of others as well).

What God has joined together, (yes, even two 18-yr. olds) let no man put asunder.

Thanks for the words of encouragement--I finally passed out last night (bad dreams...)

I hear what all of you are saying about compromise and finding the POJA. I wish it was that simple, but my H is incapable of even coming to me to negotiate. When I ask him (nicely, I've explained the idea and the whole enthusiasm thing), he gets enraged.

YES there are power struggles here. After all, before this year he was abusive in many ways. One of my "aha" moments was working at a domestic violence shelter and finally understanding what was happening to me. I know I don't give in enough, I guess because I won't be a victim again (overkill, like when you learn to drive. But I'm learning)

But the man is still compulsively lying to me. Credit card is a major issue, especially given how broke we are. I asked him straight out a couple times if he REALLY cut that card up, and he turned it around and got mad because I didn't TRUST him. OMG--same old story from a year ago (I'm the bytch because I don't trust him meanwhile he's happily producing OC...). I had thought we were past that nonsense.

I'm gonna call the therapist and ask for an emergency session.

AND, I am giving myself props because I did NOT wake him up and rage at him as I would have in the past--he still doesn't know I know, until I can calm down and do it right. I am actually very excited about that!

Thanks again, I really appreciate all the support!
EJ

Sorry, one more thing--

As for my commitment to this marriage, and whether I want out...

YES I want out. If he can't tell me the freaking truth, I want out.

But if he is honest, open and commited, I will (and have) do whatever it takes to work on it. When the recovery was good, it was very, very good. I was happy, and began to trust him again about five months ago. Life wasn't perfect, but it was getting progressively better. Now all that is shot.

It does take two, and sadly he is not ponying up. The issues that make him behave in compulsive, selfish ways are not being dealt with (however he did finally make an IC appointment, that is progress and a good sign)...
EJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I ask him (nicely, I've explained the idea and the whole enthusiasm thing), he gets enraged. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOT GOOD, and the rest of your last post too... sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm gonna call the therapist and ask for an emergency session.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you. Obviously you can't thrive in an abusive home. If you've had an "AHA" moment at the violence shelter, this is good. Finding out what is wrong, good.

Your story sounds like my sister. Her BF lies, lies, lies. And when he gets caught in one of these, he says all the right things. (Not that your R is my sister's, but I see some similarities)

I was doing a search, and happened upon a Passive Agressive site. What passive agressive is REALLY blew my mind. You might want to check it out...

Glad that you're strong, aware, these skills will eventually get you happy, no matter what's going on right now.
-bbs

Hmmm...
Interesting EJ,
You know, couples recover from infidelity and even birth of OCs, but it's the dishonesty that really kills the deal, huh? You know what you're dealing with and I'm sure you will make the right decision...

I see your point(s). You have my total support. You're right, sometimes we just have to draw the line when enough is enough. Hope things go well with the counselling session.

EJmom,

I just have to add my support on this thread! I agree that you can only go so far, especially when the honesty just isn't there! Yes, this is a marriage builder's site, but they also recognize the fact that sometimes divorce is the best, so don't feel like a failure if it ends up down that road!

On the other hand, don't make any rash decisions until you are able to (calmly) talk to H about that credit card. Is it a statement that has purchases on it, or just one showing available credit of $1000? I ask because he may not have cancelled it after he cut it up due to an oversite on his part. I am not trying to excuse anything, just trying to help you figure things out. If it's one with balances on it, then you have every right to question it, but I also agree that you should do so calmly, with evidence in hand!

Your situation is very difficult, everything included(in-laws, lies, etc....), and I have been watching, and felt the need to offer my support as well! I hope that I have also helped in some way.

Tigger