hi everyone. i am writing because i am sitting here driving myself crazy. since my baby is sleeping and i don't know how much longer she will sleep, i will make a long story short.

i found somethings that made me think that H might be having another affair. i called the phone number, asked the girl if she was going out with my H and she said no. she asked me why i was calling, i told her because her phone number was on my H's cell bill a lot, she said that maybe he was talking to her husband and that i should talk to my H. these people are in las vegas where my H used to work last year. anyway, i called H on his cell and told him we needed to talk then proceded to rant and rave about how he was having an affair with this girl, etc. he denied it, and we said we would talk at home.

when he came home, he told me to ask him anything i wanted to. he swears on his mother and his daughter (with his mother, he will never swear on anything to her that isn't true) that he is not having an affair, that he talks to husband because H used to work with him in vegas and in flagstaff. he offered to call right then to straighten it out, and i said no.

thing is, my heart believes him. he is not a good liar. has never lied to me to my face. when he had affair before, he acted weird, and couldn't live with himself because of the guilt. he never swears on his mother unless it is true. his mother is extremely important to him. and, since our daughter was born, he always tells her how she is the most important thing to him, and he is a wonderful father. i can't believe he would swear on them, i just can't. but this little thing in my head just won't let me stop obsessing about it.

he never leaves here, works 6 days a week and is home with us on sundays. so i know there can't be a physical affair right now. my heart truly believes him. when i apologized for looking in his stuff (actually wasn't snooping, just came across) he said that i have the right to look through his stuff anytime, to call any number on the cell phone bill, etc. that he has nothing to hide. (i had found a little notebook with kisses and notes in it, he says that it was the H's but that when they cleaned the apartment, they put everything in bags and that is why it is was in a bag of his brothers/misc stuff.)

please help. it makes no sense that he would be dumb enough to have evidence and dumb enough to call her from his cell phone when he knows i get the bills and look at the calls. he has never lied to me before, that i know of and he works so much right now and gets none of his check since i take it for bills, so why would he stay with me if he wasn't happy? he seems happy, is wonderful husband still and wonderful dad to our daughter. my sister thinks it is hormones.

the problem is, i honestly don't know how he can prove he isn't doing anything to me. he answered all my questions, with no hesitations, etc. even if he called them, in my mind i would think they planned it all, getting some guy to pretend to be her husband and say they talk on the phone.

any advice?? should i just follow my heart?? my sister said "just believe what your heart believes, if he is cheating, it will eventually come out, he can't hide it forever".

also, the reason i was worrying more is that he still doesn't want to have sex, i am 8 weeks post partum. he said he does want to but thinks i don't want to and doesn't want to force me since i just had a baby. i know he isn't having sex with her, since she isn't here, but still. i am going crazy i think...

thanks.

an unhappy happy_girl

happy_girl,

I think that I'd go with your gut on this one. As horrible as it is when you're dealing with an active affair---it's often tougher during the early stages of recovery (which may last for a couple years). The "evidence" might be there, but there are lots of different explanations to the bills. And the (affair-like) behavior isn't there. It's not fun for you to deal with these feelings, but it sounds like he's probably innocent, and that he's even taking positive steps towards demonstrating this.

My advice---cut him the slack. And your sister is right. If he is cheating, you'll recognize the signs soon enough.

Oh, Honey....I'm sorry you are going through this.

Surviving and recovering from an affair doesn't mean everything is back as before. We change. Our radar is on full tilt to the point of over reacting to things we used to ignore.

It is normal for you to be suspicious and distrustful, but like you said, if your husband is not acting guilty and funny like he did before, then he is probably telling you the truth or has become a much better liar. He did swear on his mother's and daughter's life and if he is as superstitious a Catholic as my hsuband is, you wouldn't dream of violating that oath for fear of the consequences.

HG, the sex thing changes for a while for many of us, too. I don't know what it is but I am just guessing that it is some kind of "I am not worthy" thing going on. It just takes patience and time to get through that.

I agree with K to cut him some slack and keep your eyes and ears open. Have you two been close and meeting each other's EN's?

How's your darling, sweet baby? Do you ahve any photos to post on the old web site for us? I would love to see her.

I sure have missed you around here....I hate to see you come back because of doubts, but I am thankful you did. You need this place when you feel like this.

Love

Catnip =^^=

HG,
I'm sorry you're having doubts at this precious time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The hormones don't help any. I really don't have any advice but want to support you. You've been here and done that! I know you're enjoying that beautiful new girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keepin' the faith,
J
in recovery 4 years and happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dearest HG,

I believe that it is the hormones combined w/your recovery. As K says, it can take years for these feelings to go away! H is being honest with you, heck, he didn't even accuse you of "snooping" which is one of the major warning signs there is an A of some sort going on. Also, if he is swearing on his mom and daughter, then I would take him at his word. Like you said, he's never been able to lie to your face, so why would he be able to now.

As for being intimate, if you want to be, then be waiting for him when he gets home, or go to bed first, and get the mood set with candles or whatever works for you guys. This is his first experience w/a new baby and his "post-partum" wife. He may still be concerned about your emotions, or even just worried that you may be too tired. Prove to him that you're not too tired! Grab that "bull by the horns" so to speak, and just do it!

Hope I helped!

Love,

Tigger

To K, Catnip, Jenny and Tigger,

By the time I came to check to see if I had any responses, H came home and I again talked to him about what I was feeling. I told him that even though in my heart I believed him, my mind wouldn't stop thinking about it. He again reassured me that he has not cheated on me, that there is nothing going on. He again offered to call the house so I could see who he was talking to. I even asked him to swear on his mom again, and he did. He looked me in the eyes and I believe him. I have to follow my heart on this one. I think that my hormones, not feeling like I am back to my old self again, etc is part of it.

I am going to trust him and trust my instincts. I can't believe he would be able to lie to me and be such a good husband at the same time. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for helping me to come to the decision my heart already had done.

All is well with our precious daughter. She truly is a blessing and is growing so fast! If you remember she was only 5lbs 6oz at birth and now she is 10lbs!! I think it is all that breastmilk she is getting!!

There are new pics. Email me at happy_girl_az@yahoo.com and I will send you the address for her website! If you could please let me know you are emailing me so I will know who you are. Especially since it is my baby I am showing pics of!! But I would love for you to see how big she has gotten!!

I truly appreciate all your advice and help. I don't come here much more, partly because it brings back old feelings and now because I don't have much free time on my hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love you all.

Happy_girl

Dear Happy_girl,

I am so glad that you are feeling better after your talk with your H. I just wanted to add my 2 cents and agree wholeheartedly with the others and emphasize the hormones that are still going wild after 8 weeks.

When my daughter was born it was several years after my H's affair, but the birth and the fact that she was a girl like the OC brought the entire affair back into focus like it happened the day before the delivery. For a few months I was not myself, depressed, suspicious -- not a pretty picture.

Like you, I trust my instincts. You know the signs of an affair very well and if you are not seeing them, chances are your mind is playing tricks on you. Push those thoughts away, HG. Concentrate on the wonderful new family life you have with your baby girl. I know how hard it is but if you focus on the wonderful gifts you have in your life now, it will be easier.

As for sex, I have heard that some men, particularly if they were present at the birth, experience some confusion for a while after. It has something to do with seeing your wife in a new way and new role as "giver of life" that makes returning to normal sex a bit awkward.

I fully agree with tigger -- take the initiative, be bold and let him know that regardless of your "life-giving abilities" you are still very much a woman and a wife who is in love with her H. Probably the lack of intimacy has also helped play tricks with your mind.

So, get out the sexy lingerie, light the candles and go for it. (Tigger I loved your "grab the bull by the horns"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

And, by the way, I always swear on my kids when I want to emphasize that I am telling the truth and believe me I would never dream of saying it unless it was absolutely true.

Relax and stay, happy.

love,
heavenly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heavenlybody26:
<strong>

As for sex, I have heard that some men, particularly if they were present at the birth, experience some confusion for a while after. It has something to do with seeing your wife in a new way and new role as "giver of life" that makes returning to normal sex a bit awkward.

I fully agree with tigger -- take the initiative, be bold and let him know that regardless of your "life-giving abilities" you are still very much a woman and a wife who is in love with her H. Probably the lack of intimacy has also helped play tricks with your mind.

=^^= Whoa...I never even thought of that! I bet that is true. Since I never had a child with my husband, he has always looked at me as "one hot mama"...hahaha. The first year we were marreid, we had a blended family...my one and his two. He came home one Saturday with a bouquet of flowers for me for Mother's Day. I told him the flowers were lovely and I appreciated the gesture, but not to buy me anything for Mother's Day again because I wasn't HIS mother...I never wanted him to look at me in that way, and I guess he never has.

So, get out the sexy lingerie, light the candles and go for it. (Tigger I loved your "grab the bull by the horns"!

=^^= Make that old bull snort and paw the ground! Say "Hey, Babe, what's in those Calvin Kleins? You packing heat?" hahaha
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happy_girl:
<strong>I even asked him to swear on his mom again, and he did. He looked me in the eyes and I believe him. I have to follow my heart on this one. I think that my hormones, not feeling like I am back to my old self again, etc is part of it. I am going to trust him and trust my instincts. I can't believe he would be able to lie to me and be such a good husband at the same time.

=^^= WHEW!!! Huge sigh of relief.

I don't come here much more, partly because it brings back old feelings

=^^= I hear that! I completely understand you need to move on and I think you are one healthy woman to be able to do so. It's so good to be and acy normal again. But, we (I) miss you anyway.

Love you all.

=^^= We love you!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Heavenly,

Thanks for your advice and support as always. I agree with you on men being at the birth and seeing woman as different. After the baby was born, he told me he would give me all the time I wanted to wait till we made love for the first time. He said he "respected me and wanted to give me time". When I asked him why he hasn't wanted to, he simply said that he was waiting for me to be ready, that he is totally wanting to but doesn't want me to think that he is just waiting for the "40 days" (Hispanic thing I think) to be up, he wants me to be ready. I guess I should be happy he isn't trying to jump my bones and is respectful that I might not be ready, be afraid, etc.

He watched the birth and he later said he had no idea how it was going to be and was in awe that a baby could come out of there. It was quite funny! He kept telling me over and over in the hospital how suprised he was when the whole head popped out, how big it seemed, and then how the body came out, he was in shock. I was so sick after because of the medications they gave me for the high blood pressure, but he kept making me laugh when he told me that story. I still make him tell it when someone comes over to see Abby and we talk about the birth, and he always tells it the same way he did in the hospital that made me just laugh and laugh even though it hurt to laugh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Catnip,

Thanks again for your kind words. Email me so I can send you the website address, I only have your old aol address. I miss you guys too. And I wish I could be of more help to newbies, maybe someday it will be easier to be here when I am happy, not just when I am having a problem.

On a side note

H said that one of his cousins told him that OW wants to talk to him. (We are behind 3 weeks in CS) He told H that she was joking around that she would like him to make her a baby brother or sister for OC. Is that sick or what??? And she wonders why we have no contact. She is a real work of art. She still calls his cell phone sometimes and since he rarely has it on, she leaves sappy love songs about how she misses him, why won't he be with her, etc. They haven't talked in years and she is still obsessed. It makes me sick, but he lets me check his voicemail so I just delete them before he has to listen to them. She likely knows that our daughter was born and is upset. Just what we need, I pray she doesn't take us back to court. He is making more now, I am not working and we would be ruined. We already pay so much. I know they take our daughter into account, but still...

So poor H. He is stressed at work, has OW now wanting to talk to him--likely to try to tell him that if he has sex with her, etc she will leave him alone YAH RIGHT, he doesn't want to talk to her but is afraid of what she will do if he doesn't, and then he has me doubting him. Poor guy. He was totally nice to me and didnt' get mad at all that I was accusing him basically of an affair. I have stopped though and believe him. But man is he stressed.

Maybe this weekend is the weekend to resume our love life... I will just have to attack him myself.

Love,

Happy_girl

hee hee,

My H's OW used to do that too, leave these sappy songs on his email. She ruined a song I used to like too, because now I can't listen to it without thinking of her. Damn.

I won't put my .02 about your H's current mystery. I'm too cynical right now...

EJ

Hey HG just a quick note to let you know that your OW is not the only sickie out there, My OW also suggested that H Get her Pregnant so her OC could have a sibling, sick people out there for sure aren't there

Catnip, I swear, you make me laugh so hard I nearly fall off my little computer chair:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> =^^= Make that old bull snort and paw the ground! Say "Hey, Babe, what's in those Calvin Kleins? You packing heat?" hahaha </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I intend to use that one tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Happy_girl, EJ and neverforget - may I join your club, the "World's sickest exOW Club"? My H's exOW used to leave messages on his voicemail like "Just thinking of you and wishing you were here with me". Then she would send these mushy cards about how he was her only true love and she knew that they would be together again one day real soon. (I wonder what she was planning to do with me??)

But, the one I like best is when she sent him a calendar -- a really beautiful one. Then, when you paged to the month of her birthday and the OC's birthday, she had drawn a huge red heart around the days, filled the whole page with little hearts and wrote in big letters "I LOVE YOU".

Some people are truly out of touch with reality.

love,
heavenly