My H just changed jobs after many years. He brought home several boxes that he kept in a storage room at work. I sat down to go through them and discard the junk -- mostly it was work-related papers that should have been thrown away years ago. Except for one box ...

One box was full of "memories" -- cards, letters, photos from the ex-OW. The cards were all sappy and sentimental ... "I love you, I can't live without you, I have shared things with you that I have never told a soul, I am grateful for every moment that we share ..." Then there were cards that the ex-OW signed with the OC's name about being "daddy's girl" and "looking more and more like daddy ever day ..." I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time.

Usually, I am able to separate the "old marriage" - pre D-day, from the "new marriage", post- D-day. But today, I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of the double life that my H led for so long. I was amazed at the depth of the relationship that he had with the OW at the time.

Those old questions came back to mind -- how could he? what was he thinking? And, as usual, those questions still have answers that are inadequate. All the old visions came flooding back -- me sitting at home worried that he was so overtired because he worked three late nights over the past week. Meanwhile, he was spending those three nights with the ex-OW, sharing secrets that she never shared with anyone else.

The feelings of being a fool rushed back into view. It was frightening how quickly they could re-appear after more than a year of peace and calm.

I guess that is why I am writing this now. All of these feelings are just like those old cards and letters. They belong to the old marriage that I had. And, I don't want to LB in my new marriage. My new marriage is a much improved one.

Last week, my H and I were talking about the ex-OW. I told him how there are still triggers in my life that catapult me back to the "dark days". The next day, my H sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. He told me that he could tell when we talked the night before how deeply he had hurt me and how scarred I am from the affair. The flowers were to say how sorry he was.

I know he is not the same man that kept that box of memories. And right now I don't want to lash out at the man he has become because I am feeling sorry about the man he used to be.

My emotions are very delicate this week as we approach the first anniversary of the loss of our twins. I am very melancholy and depressed. So, I wanted to vent here with people who understand the kind of emotional trauma that box represented. I didn't want to turn on my H and set us back because of old cards and letters that no longer mean anything to anyone.

I've kept the box. I don't know why. I could not bring myself to throw those things away. I hid it in the garage so that I could read them later when I had more time and would not be disturbed.

I guess the feelings are always there, just beneath the surface. The feelings of betrayal and sadness. And although I knew bits and pieces of the story, seeing everything together that way made me sad that a huge part of my marriage was a lie. I was living my life happily believing I had a loving husband, when in reality it was all a lie.

After this vent, I deserve a bowl of cherry chocolate chip ice cream. Tonight, I am just going to pamper myself. Thanks for listening.

love,
heavenly

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>

Heavenly,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">discard the junk</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those are your words. Do it---don't bother going through these letters.

I know that dealing with this loss will be hard for you. You don't deserve extra pain by dealing with these cards, so don't subject yourself to it.
God bless.

Dear Heavenly,

Just yesterday I was telling myself I would post a prayer for your and MrH dealing with the anniversary of your loss, and here you are with that darn box... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Although I agree with K that it's best not to re-visit that box, I might understand your reluctance to let it go. It's such a horrible wound that we're afraid to let go... Like seeing a disastrous traffic accident, we're unwilling to look away... Maybe we're afraid of forgetting, afraid it could happening again, that we'll miss some sign we should've seen or... Like any horrible event, we go over it and over it, trying to understand how such a tragedy could really happen, DID really happen--When our (recovered) marriage seems so strong, it's nearly unbelievable! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

We have some old emails re: OC that H tells me I can delete, but I haven't done it yet. I want to print them out, and then delete them, but haven't done that either. We have so little about OC, that it feels like those little things we keep about lost pregnancies; I think you understand what I mean, Heavenly, and I don't know any others who might.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you are taking care of yourself Heavenly. Keep up with the simple things: exercise, healthy food (ice cream is a dairy product <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), sleep, journaling, whatever. Keep lovin' on your family, and I hope they keep lovin' on you.

On the first anniversary of our baby's death, we had a birthday cake to celebrate her short life. I hope you plan something special for you and family. (One more idea: burn the box, with all the pomp and circumstance you can put into it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Godbless,
J

Heavenly,

I agree with K and Jenny. Don't put yourself through that. My xOM still has all the letters and cards that I gave him during our A. He says he will never destroy them. He has used them more than once to try and blackmail me where my H is concerned. I would be mortified if my H ever saw them. Why? Because to me they are only empty hollow words now. They may have meant something to me while I was in the "fog" but now I only get embarrassed when I think of them. I know how much they would hurt my H even if I told him how meaningless they were to me now. Maybe you should discuss this with your H. It can be done without any LBing. I know if my H had come upon some letters that I would want the chance to talk with him about it. Take care.

{{{{{{HeavenlyBody26}}}}}}

I am so sorry you stumbled across those. I know how painful those types of things can be.

I was helping Mr. J file some travel claims and clean up some accounting messes and I found receipts for a trip out to where exOW lives. It was dated for a couple of weeks after the birth of Precious. There was a receipt for diapers and tampons from the grocery store around the corner from her condo. Ewwwwww......tampons. I just silenty handed it to Mr. J. He yelled at me and stomped out of the room. I threw the receipt away and we never spoke of it again.

HB, I think you should throw those things away. They are not part of your new marriage. You have let go of so much hurt and anger, why would you torture yourself by having this pollution in your home?

Shortly after D-day Mr. J and exOW were still on the phone, IMing and emailing almost constantly. She kept sending him photos of Precious but she was in many of them. I cropped her out of all the photos and left them open on Mr. J's computer. After all, stumbling across photos of the three of them is how I found out about the affair. Seemed only fitting.

Old marriage/new marriage. Don't hold grudges, don't allow the old to creep into the new. How about mailing them back to her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> just kidding.
I like the suggestion to burn them.

MJ

Heavenly,

I agree with everyone else throw the box away I know it's hard. I'm still trying to delete some emails we have from exOW when we were trying visitation. About 6 months ago I read a few of them I was going to try and delete the ones not needed and print the one we would save if OC ever contacted us. To show we were willing to have or at least try visitation. After reading 2 emails it brought up all these old memories and feeling that didn't belong in my new marriage. So I exited out and haven't attempted again.

You are in my thoughts and prayers re: the twin’s anniversary.

Unsure

Hello Dear Heavenly,
It's me, Gemini 1.
I read this post and just had to tell you that I also have saved and hidden ow's letters to me and my H during our horrible ordeal. I also have her used up, taped, one way conversations, to my H's place of business from summer of 2001. The one where she plays love songs and wakes the oc to say hi to daddy, cries telling him how she misses and loves H.

The one where she says she'll wait forever for H to come out of the cage I kept him in (huh? CAGE? how'd he have soooo much freedom to boink ow if he was in a cage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Oops...I was on a tangent there....sorry.

A wise piece of advice given was by GIT, in which she says she is embarrassed by things she said during A.

Nuff said, don't you think? I think your H and mine would cringe at those things now.

So keep em if you must to re-read someday. Just remember if those things were as from the heart as your H's love and compassion today is for you, well...he wouldn't be with you. Right?

Heavenly, this anniversary is surely to be a sad, sad, day for both you and your H. Please put the letters away until you are emotionally ready to be upset, but strong enough to realize it's in the past, won't you my friend?

My deepest prayers of peace to you and H.

I hope you will do one small thing to recapture a bit of happiness on that day. Even if you listen to hear a bird chirp, or follow clouds with your eyes, something that will let your sadness leave you for a moment.

love
Debi

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Dearest Heavenly

With the anniversary of your loss of the twins quickly approaching, I am going to offer up a Novena for them and for you and your husband. I haven't done a Novena in years, but I hope God will forgive my absence and accept my intentions.

Heavenly, your husband has been consistently wonderful for quite some time which must be crucial for the healing process to take place. Trust issues must be making significant headway and taking care of themselves in some respects to the point where you both can and are generous and loving towards each other. Therefore, keeping the box is counterproductive in the aspect that the contents of that box belongs to someone else that no longer exists, Heavenly.

I'm a fine one to talk because of my obsessive nature and obvious need for anger management, but you are so far more evolved than I am, Heavenly. Your husband is deeply committed to you and has not wavered. I think if I were in your position with a committed non-bipolar husband, I would be planning a 'burning in effigy', a ceremony to release us both of the past and the contents within the box. A benchmark for a pivotal moment in our lives together.

He obviously doesn't look at the crap or have any sentimental attachments or even realize that it still exists! He has moved far, far away from it and focused only on you.

I truly understand how deeply something like this can trigger and haunt, and I certainly can understand your draw to it, your need to hide it and save it for future...what? understanding? analysis? reference? Perhaps to make sense out of what happened. But, you know nothing in the world can make sense out of what has happened to each of us here, no matter if we waited a thousand years, no explanation would ever satisfy us. So, pitch the box. Douse it with gasoline and set a match to it and roast marshmallows over the fire. And praise God for His mercy and goodness to bring enlightenment to your husband and for answering some of your prayers.

I wonder if finding that box was meant to be a distraction/diversion from the upcoming anniversary. Timing is mysterious.

Love you

Catnip =^^=

Dear Heavenly,

I am saying a prayer for you and your H as the anniversary comes upon you. Catnip has a good point about timing and distractions.

I am also obsessive about such things. Even though H and I are divorcing I would go thru stuff about ow if I came across it. Of course it wouldnt hurt as much now. Logically the best advice has been given...to either throw it away or burn it immediately without reading it. Me, I just know I would go thru it. Maybe I am just nosey. But if you also must go thru it I suggest it be the last time. After you read or look at something toss it into the waiting fire. Burn away all the old hurt and memories and then look forward to the rest of your new and bright marriage. Either way, dont let it dredge you down.

Love
bw

Dear K. Jenny, GIT, MJ, Unsure, Gem and Catnip,

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. You have helped me put this situation into perspective.

I think it is best that I "discard the junk". Jenny thank you for placing in words the reasons why I was so drawn to that box even though it had such power to hurt me. Like a moth to a flame...

GIT, I think you are so right. My H is embarrassed by the things that the ex-OW wrote to him. It must be hard for him to know that I am aware of so many intimate details of his double life. It makes it harder for him to sweep them away.

MJ, I thought of sending her some of that junk to let her know that my H didn't care about it anymore. But, then I realized that the momentary thrill was not worth the trouble it would cause. But it was fun thinking about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Unsure, like you said these things don't belong in my new marriage.

Gem, I think re-reading those things would only churn up all the bad feelings from the past. For me, I think the answer is to hold the big bonfire and just burn everything. Perhaps this would also give my H confidence that we are leaving everything in the past behind.

Cat, thank you for reminding me how fortunate I am. My H is committed and he has proven that over and over again. Those cards and letters do belong to someone who no longer exists.

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly understand how deeply something like this can trigger and haunt, and I certainly can understand your draw to it, your need to hide it and save it for future...what? understanding? analysis? reference? Perhaps to make sense out of what happened. But, you know nothing in the world can make sense out of what has happened to each of us here, no matter if we waited a thousand years, no explanation would ever satisfy us. So, pitch the box. Douse it with gasoline and set a match to it and roast marshmallows over the fire. And praise God for His mercy and goodness to bring enlightenment to your husband and for answering some of your prayers.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing can make sense out of what we have been through. I stopped trying to make sense out of it a long time ago. And if this stupid box is making me ask those question again ... then it has go to go! I guess the mementos hold no special charm for my H since he didn't even know what was in the box!

Thank you to all of you for your sincere best wishes to help me through this difficult time in my life. Catnip, the wonderful thing about God is He is all forgiving. He has infinite patience and he waits for his sheep to come home.

Jenny, I think I would like to have some sort of ritual on Thursday. I have never properly dedicated the memory of these children, perhaps this is the time to start some special tradition in their honour.

Maybe Catnip is right -- this box was just a distraction to give me some little mystery to figure out and take my mind off of the full effect of the anniversary. God does work in mysterious and wonderful ways. I have counted on Him for so long, I think it is best if I continue to put myself in His hands.

You guys are all terrific. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to get through this crisis and this week.

love,
heavenly

Dear brokenwings,

We posted at the same time ...

I am just plain nosey too... I always have to know everything, even though I hurt myself more. I scanned through the stuff in the box, read some of it. But, there was a lot and I was afraid that my H would walk in on me. That's why I hid it until I could go through it later.

But, the more I think about it. Maybe I can find the strength to get rid of it without reading any more of it. Also, I am thinking that tonight I will tell my H what I found and how I feel about it. As GIT said, it can be done without LBing, but I need to be careful about how I approach him and what I say.

I am going to give it some more thought tonight and maybe share it with him just before we go to sleep. It's easier to talk when he's relaxed and not feeling threatened with an argument.

Wish me luck...

love,
heavenly

Heavenly,
MEN like ACTION! I'll lay odds your H would LOVE to help you burn that box---go girl go!!!

Dedicating your babies is a beautiful thing... Again, actions speak a thousand words, be it a religious ritual, homemade ritual, creating a memorial garden or tree(s), cross-stitch, Christmas ornament(s) etc., and something the whole family can participate in if they wish.

I know one group of moms, some of whom lost babies themselves, who hand-made memorial quilts and donated them all over the nation to sad families as came to their attention. I know this because we were one of the recipients, and that quilt hangs in my home to this day. I love their thoughtfulness.

God be with you and give you peace in your sorrow.
Hugs,
J

Hmmm.... it would be nice if you both could burn it together. THEN AGAIN, looking at all that crap might be a trigger of sorts for your former WS. Soooo, perhaps it was a good thing that YOU found it instead of him... and also a blessing that YOU can quietly get rid of it and just let it all stay dead! That's how I see it...

Dear Heavenly

The Novena is rescheduled for Thursday although I offer up prayers today as well.

Love you, dear

Catnip =^^=