i found MB's about 2 wks ago and have been trying my hardest to implement plan A. today i finally found posts that relate to my situation and they have been helpful, but havent really given me the hope i've been looking for. i've already posted a couple of threads on just found out and general questions II but ill recap to make it easier for you.
my WW and I have been married almost 5 yrs and have 4 children (2 from W previous M and 2 from ours)im military and we currently live in germany.
my W has been under alot of stress this year she found out she has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome-extreme stomach pain when she eats)has no cure, and cervical dysplacia(possible cervical cancer). in aug she told me we were having problems with M. she started counseling, in sept she told me she had a male friend for emotional support(i was willing to reconcile), we both started counseling, in oct she told me they had PA once while i was in Kuwait for 4 days. 2 wks later she said she was pregnant(still willing to try and make it work). W going home w/ kids in Jan. for medical reasons.(her choice). thats the jest of it.
my biggest problems im running across is that in just about everyone of the post the couples are trying together to rebuild M. i feel like im the only one in the relationship that wants to rebuild. my W has told me she doesnt care what happens between us or with OM, shes only concerned about her medical problems and unborn child. My question is can this M work if W is unwilling. also W is still in contact with OM and says she cares about him alot. he has been her emotional support for the last 8-9mos. My W and i have been getting along well since i started plan i, but i find it difficult with her still talking to OM. I filed a NC order against him through the military, but its had little effect its just not out in the open as much. Lately i seldom noticed if she is still talking to him, but i know they are. should i continue plan A

Dear Rothals

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. This is probably the most difficult thing you have ever gone through, but there is hope for recovery if you read everything you can get your hands on from this site and learn all the Harley principles and how to apply them in your life.

Your wife's preoccupation with her health and the unborn child is predictable and understandable. The best way you can endear yourself to her right now is to launch an all out Plan A, knowing that you will likely see no results for weeks or months...or as long as you can take it before going into Plan B. Hopefully, it won't come to that and she will cut off all contact with Om and recommit to you.

Nothing will begin in recovery or the healing process until all contact has stopped. You cannot successfully work on your marrige together if there is someone else in the picture because then her attentions are divided and she remians confused and in the fog. There is nothing you can do except Plan A to inspire her to cut contact with OM. Plan A is often successful because you change during Plan A. You learn to avoid disrespectful judgments and have an opportunity to look within to see where you might have contributed to the break down of your marriage. Regadless of what you may or may not have done is no excuse for an affair at all, but it might give you insight what were the danger signs.

We all want instant recovery but that never ever happens. It takes time and patience and working your own program of recovery through the Harley principles. Once you understand these principles and make them a way of life, you become stronger and see things more clearly. Plan A often attracts the Wayward Spouse back to the Betrayed Spouse. Sometimes the WS sees the BS as a doormat in Plan A, so you have to set boundaries of what you are willing to accept and what you reject. A show of strength tempered with kindness.

This is extremely painful time for you and you must open yourself up to your spiritual side and let God's will guide the recovery process. Pray and meditate and post here.

K is a man who has been here a number of years and is a Betrayed Spouse who is raising his wife's child as his own. He is in a successful recovery and a "deacon" of sorts in the Harley princioples and has worked directly with Steve Harley for years. His advice is sound and logical and having been where you are right now, can offer you a lot of important information on how to get through these terrible days and implement your Plans.

Stay tuned...he should be along shortly.

Storming the heavens for you, Rothals.

Catnip =^^=

ROTHALS

Check out Anxious 1's post...sounds similar to your situaiton. K has offered some excellent advice in that post.

Catnip =^^=

rothals,

My major piece of advice (phone counseling with Steve Harley) may be an issue with you being overseas, but I'd still encourage you to look into it (888-639-1639 for appointments).

You ask if you should continue plan A. What are your other options?

1. Divorce

2. Plan B (a no-contact separation).

It's a good guess that you're not interested in the divorce option, because you're here. Plan B is probably not where you need to be either---it's usually used when your lovebank is almost completely drained, and that doesn't appear to be the case.

You mention that most of the posts you have been reading involve couples actively working together to save the marriage. I'd say that this scenario, while ideal, is usually the exception at MarriageBuilders. Usually the situations involve someone desparate for a solution to some pretty horrendous marriage issues (like the ones you're facing now). The good news is that you can be successful and learn new skills to rebuild your marriage---it may save your current marriage, or help you transition through divorce.

I would encourage you to get a good Plan A going, and to keep it up for the time being. Your wife is going to leave you to go back to the States in a couple of months---I would put your focus on completely avoiding lovebusters, and meeting emotional needs that she will allow you to meet (especially family-centered ones). Although she may tell you that she doesn't care whether your marriage works or not (a sign that she is the state of withdrawal in the marriage), the fact that she has noticed your Plan A efforts and that you two are getting along better is encouraging. It'd be great if she'd break off the affair, but that may not happen until later.

It's very unlikely that she will go through a pregnancy without making some decision. Your job will be to be a supportive, compassionate spouse---she's dealing with health issues and a pregnancy born out of an affair---my guess is that emotionally she's probably ready to crack. You should try your best with Plan A---if her talking to the OM really bothers you, then try to let her know (without lovebusting) that while you're really like her to end the affair, that she not talk with him while you're around (that'll reduce your anxiety somewhat).

Pregnancies can be very difficult to deal with from a marital recovery standpoint, but they do impose some pretty decent timelimits to what the betrayed spouse needs to do. I'd encourage you to Plan A until after she delivers. If she hasn't ended the affair after that, you should consider going to Plan B.

well today i feel better, lately i've found myself less and less eager to check up on this site and my postings. the last few days have been wonderful, my W and i have shared many good moments together with absolute no fighting or LB's. I find it hard to restrain myself from smothering her with affection and physical contact with us getting along so well and enjoying each others company, although i know we are doing better i know she's not quite ready for it and stills ask me to respect her personal space and not be so clingy. its hard but i try to do as she asks. i plan to continue plan a for as long as im allowed and am able.
She is still in contact with OM but I never see it anymore. She told me OM rarely wants to talk to her because of the NC order I put on him and hes afraid of getting in trouble. I seldom ask about OM anymore.
I showed my W yesterday my postings and let her read them, was alittle afraid of what her reaction would be, but i think all went well, she said there were some good advice in them. i showed her other topics pertaining to our situation and i think they helped. I know we still have a long hard road ahead of us but for once i feel optamistic. i'd almost forgotten the thrill and the high one gets from laughing and being with the one you love...she actually talked about staying here for the pregnancy but said she cant because she's doesnt want to deal with all the people she once thought was her friends and also the hospital here isn't that great. its heartbreaking to see the reaction of people, you once thought were your friends, when they turn their backs on you when a mistake is made and talk about you behind your back. W once told me that her friends use to tease with her how i never wanted to spend time with her, I cant believe people could be so cruel.
As much as i would like for her to stay i respect her decision and will back her up 100%.

Rothal: So sorry you are here, but glad you found this Board. I think Cat and K summed things up pretty good for you. They are both great advice givers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It is great to see that you two are having good moments. That will help her to see you as she is seeing the OM right now (all starry eyed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )so you are on the right track - Plan A until you think you can't stand it anymore. This will build the "love feelings" back between the two of you. Sorry you have to be here - but welcome and know that there are people here who have been through it and survived!

One day at a time, avoid the emotional rollercoaster and just stick to YOUR plan. You get to have a plan for your life and stick to it. You get to decide to become a better you--with or without the marriage. Only saying that because you cannot control your wayward spouse, only your actions and love busting behaviors... Hang in there! There IS hope!

its amazing how life works, one minute flying high the next your shot down. This morning started off badly. My W woke up with her IBS hurting her so i go to lay next to her and comfort her; well she yells at me and states that for the last two weeks it seems like i've just been stalking her. Well that shot all those good feelings i had just to you about to hell. Now i feel that i have just annoyed her for 2 weeks, but instead of getting defensive i just got up and went and laid someplace else to avoid fighting. i know she was hurting and somewhat asleep when she said it, but i feel that she had to feel that way somewhat or else she wouldnt have said it. oh well just needed to vent

Well you know that your intention is not to be stalking your wife. That concept is so ridiculous and we both know it. You were only trying to love her, comfort her, and be there for her. She's in pain and it's hard to be grateful for anything when you are in so much pain you can't even get through the day feeling normal. I am not familiar with IBS symptoms but she might be going from hour to hour just trying to feel "normal" not to mention the female problem and being pregnant all at once! Yikes! Try not to let her stinging, hurtful words sink in too deep. She couldn't possibly be in her right mind.

<small>[ November 16, 2002, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>