Hi, I'm an oldtimer who just hopped back on board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A little backgroound...

I've been married for just over 2 years to a wonderful woman who has a 14 y/o stepdaughter. I have joint custody of a 14 y/o son. For the last few months, SD has been hinting about moving back with her dad. Obiously my wife is in a huge turmoil over this.

The move back would not be the best choice for SD, but her dad has made life with him look like one continuous vacation (which in fact it is, she's only seen him during vacation for the last 3 years). She's been promised everything in the world and anticipates going back and being the queen back there.

I love my wife very much and I've told her to do what's best for her and SD regardless of what that means to us. I feel that if SD moves back and my wife stays, the relationship is going to go bad. (she already gave up the last 3 years of her son growing up to move to be with me).

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation here, but I'd rather lose her to go raise her daughter and remain friends than have her lose her daughter and end up hating me for it.

Any ideas?

thanks...

Well nick, we do not know your whole story but 14 yrs old is the peak of a problem and what I can't understand is why are you not at least attempting to say "lets try it ..." weather SD is with Mom or Dad the problem with a 14 yr. old is being 14. You already seem to be sooooo good about the whole situation why not try the roof and see where the rain ends up before saying it leaks... just a suggestion <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

From one Nick to another

Nick

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: Pick on Nick ]</small>

c00ker,

I'm curious, why does your wifes step-daughter live with her? And not her mom or dad?

It sounds like she is really attached to this child, how long has she been a part of her life?

Why wouldn't it be good for the daughter to live with her bio-dad and get to know him for who he really is?

ps...it's good to see you again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe post this on the EN or D/D Board??

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Nick,

To follow up on TR's questions -

- Have you discussed this with your W? What are her thoughts on this? Reading your post, I only see your thoughts, and I wonder if perhaps you are trying to solve the problem all by yourself without even discussing this with your W? That would be Communication 101, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

- Does she really feel that if teh daughter decides to live with Dad, that she would leave you to go live close to her daughter? That sounds quite bizarre, if that is the case...

- How far away is the Dad from where you live? Can your SD take turns living in both places?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand the situation before offering advice.

Seriously, it would be very helpful to have a snapshot of both your and your W's thoughts on this, to see where some POJA can be done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

AGG

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SD has been hinting about moving back with her dad. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Questions to ponder,

1) is SD feeling competition for attention with your son?

2) is SD practicing, /trying out some manipulative tactics that she has found out works to acertain degree?

3) what else is happening when her SD starts mumbling about a move?

4) is this a school issue that is being complained about in an immature way?

5) is this grumbling a result of just being in a blended family?

just some different questions to think over and see if there are any other angles for the grumblings to be covering up for..

nice to hear from you again,

wiftty

What type of distance are we talking about here? Is it possible that you can both move halfway?

oops, my bad...

It's my stepdaughter, wifes daughter.

Distance is as far away as you can get, so no back and forth on this one.

My wife is commited to being a part of her daughter's life (I agree completely) and the big draw for SD is family back with her dad.

I think there's some obvious manipulation by her dad, but the heart of the matter is her desire to be near the rest of her family. I can't compete with that and I would never try.

I think the decision's already been made, so I've told my wife that I love her and will support her any way I can.

It's kind of like falling off a cliff. I feel the ground rushing up at me and there's nothing I can do but wait for the impact.

The frustration is having no recourse to my life being in someone else's control... but I've been down that road before, so at least I know the way...

c00ker,

When is your step-daughter going to be leaving?

And I assume from what you've said your wife will be moving back as well? Are you really okay with that?

Is your step-daughter going to live with her dad, or with her mom as her mom will be moving as well?

And your probably right, it does sound like manipulation not just towards the daughter but in order to bring the mom back as well.

Is there any way you could relocate?

She'll probably leave some time this summer, I'm not sure when.

Essentially there are three options:

1. SD is forced to stay here against her will with her father causing problems. Probably 3 months to a major meltdown and a divorce.

2 SD moves back and my wife stays. Major guilt over their separation as SD grows up (my wife lost being part of her sons high school years and has major regret about giving that up). It would probably take about 3 months for SD to realize the error in going back, but then her dad has physical custogy and that's going to be difficult to fight. My wife would probably feel resentful about giving up being a part of her kids lives to be with me. I'd guess about 6 months until divorce on that one.

3. My wife moves back, maintains custody and raises SD, then moves back with me. We can probably squeeze about 3 months a year together over the next four years. Major financial suicide, but probably survivable. I have no way of estimating the odds of the relationship surviving, but I'm guessing it's better than options 1 and 2.

This is a classic case of manipulation and parental alienation by my wife's x, but there's no way a young teenage girl is going to figure that one out. She sees herself returning there and being the queen of the world. That's pretty difficult for her to resist. Any of you with teenage girls probably know EXACTLY what I mean...

So, we're planning for the move back and separation....

c00ker,

Actually, I have two teenage daughters and a teenage step-daughter, a son, step-son, and two adult step-daughters who are both married, one with children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My ex-h tries to manipulate OUR kids to get them to move in with him, mostly our son. Telling him how great it would be if he lived with him. However, on one level my son is seeing things for how they really would be IF he were to move in with his dad. And has asked me for assurances that IF he moves in with his dad when he turns 13, would HE be able to come back here IF He doesn't like it there. And I've let him know--YES; He will ALWAYS be welcome here. However, he wants assurances from his dad as well, that IF he were to move in with him, that his dad wouldn't be traveling all the over the country, and that he would quit drinking, something his dad hasn't been able to do. So he's not sure he really wants to go for any length of time.

When my son brings this up, I always tell him that no matter what He decides, I love him. I would miss him greatly and yes, it would hurt my heart to see him go, but his happiness is more important to me than my being hurt. His dad doesn't tell him that, and continues to manipulate and guilt.

I also tell him I will cry when that time comes just as I will cry when each of them graduate high school and go away to college, but as their mom it's my job and right to cry as they leave home no matter if it's graduation or to go live with their dad. But that is where I have to step out in faith and trust God to protect them and take care of them as HIS children, more than they are mine.

He hugs me, tells me he loves me and that he isn't sure what he wants or whats best, to which I tell him, it's OKAY that he doesn't know what he wants or what's best, he's still a child and shouldn't have to make those decisions for himself just yet.

But IF he wants to see what it's like living with his dad, I will support that choice, even if
*I* don't like it, because I love him so much.

And if he decides he doesn't like it, he is more than welcome to come back even if it's only been a week or two. He hugs me again and tells me he loves me.

Personally, I can not image my kids not living with me, but I have learned to use those weekends and weeks they are with their dad to try and figure it out, and work through my own emotions. Even for when they graduate and are no longer here and not coming home except for holidays and maybe weekends. And it helps me appreciate them even more when they are here.