Since I don't know how to make a link to my original story, I'll (quickly) rehash...

I'm currently four months pregnant, and the pregnancy is the result of a 3 1/2 month affair. I've told my H and we're trying to work through things together to see if we can salvage our marriage and make a loving home for ourselves and this baby. It's not been easy.

Both of our immediate families are fully aware of the situation, as are some of our close friends. Since my H and I have decided to stay together and work on our M, we're now faced with deciding how/when/how much we should tell our extended families and other family friends.

The night I first told my H about the affair and the pregnancy, I also told my dad, who told my mom and in-laws. My parents live in the same city as my H and I; my in-laws were in town visiting, and staying with us.

There was a lot of discussion that first week or so while my in-laws were still with us. One of the things we talked about was what the rest of the world (ie. everyone besides our immediate families) should know about the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. This of course depended a lot on the decision that my H and I would make about our marriage.

Since we've decided to work on it, and we're going to be seeing many of our extended family during the holidays, the question of disclosure has come up again.

Initially, everyone involved (in-laws included) seemed to agree that people don't need to know. Obviously it would be impossible to hide the fact that I'm pregnant, but the circumstances weren't really anyone's business. But we just received an email from my FIL last night saying that we SHOULD tell everyone EVERYTHING.

I've been thinking about posting the whole email to get feedback, but it's pretty long. And it's not that I don't truly love and respect my ILs, but I feel that this letter is a little harsh, and mostly directed to me. It talks about: guilt and shame; half-truths, pretense, and outright coverups; honesty and transparency vs. hypocrisy and attempting to live a lie; and how confession, repentance and requesting forgiveness is the only cure that exists.

Ok. It's not that I don't agree with all he said EXCEPT (!) that my sin was against my H and against God. I don't really feel the need to receive absolution from all our aunts and uncles and cousins and all their spouses and families. Yes, family can be a great source of love and support, but I believe they can love and support us throughout our marriage and this pregnancy without all the juicy details of our/my sin and failures.

In Psalm 32 (from The Message), David says "Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be-you get a fresh start, your slate’s wiped clean. Count yourself lucky - God holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him." And in Psalm 51 (NIV), he says "For I know my trasgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight." I know where I stand with my God and I know where I stand with my husband, and that's what matters to me.

Am I way off here? Obviously part of it does have a lot to do with shame and guilt, but at the same, if my H is able to (try to) accept and claim this baby as his own then why does anyone need to know that technically/biologically it's not?

For those of you who've found yourself and your spouse in the same situation regarding a baby, what and how much did you tell people? Pops, MO5, new hope, and hbby/tuff_decision what did you all do? Please help!

Amy

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Amethyst03 ]</small>

Hi, Amy,

In my opinion, the less people that know, the better. In my situation, I told my parents, my sister, and my pastor. That's it. My husband told his/our counselor and that was it.

People mean well, and they want to help, but chances are you will regret divulging everything to everyone because everyone will have a different opinion about what to do and all the advice could really interfere with what you and husband want to do.

Support is good, don't get me wrong. But sometimes people just don't know when to quit and let you live your own life.

Noplacelikehome

I beleive that you are absolutely right in all your points, and I would like to suggest that you ask your H is he is of the same opinion as you with regards to further disclosure to other people not closely involved. If he is then you might want to ask him to talk on both of your behalf's to your IL's and state your position that you respectfully disagree with their point of view.

I suspect that your FIL's letter may be an sign that the cat might be out of the bag already, and your FIL is trying to cover up his or your MIL's divulging the truth to others, and he is trying to save face by playing on your feelings of remorse to get him and his W out of a sticky situation. This bears further investigation on you and your H's part.

am03,,, i don't have time to respond right now with the holiday mad house around here. with fh and i both working we are so behind in preparing for xmas it's crazy.

i am one that can't stand living a lie. i have to face things head on no matter what the pain level. that being said, from my own experience with this matter our lives have been forever changed by this nightmare. our family though very supportive has been split down the marrital lines. hers giving her support and comfort no matter what the outcome of our marriage and mine giving me support and comfort in wanting me to be truely happy again. both families want us to succeed in our recovery but you can feel the uneasyness in the air sometimes.

and our closest circle of friends has now dwindled and they are also supportive we don't see them as much as we used to.

hope your holidays are peaceful and all can find some softness in their hearts in this most joyous time.

amethyst,

coffee said :"and I would like to suggest that you ask your H if he is of the same opinion as you with regards to further disclosure to other people not closely involved."

in my opinion, that is the ONLY thing that matters here. you 2 should reach a mutually accepted, if not enthusiastic, decision, and explain to all party's involved what that decision is. then stick to it for your marrital good, which should come before your family in my opinion.

is it your FIL's relationship? i can imagine there's plenty of skeletons in his closet too....right? if he balks, and is a proffessed christian, you can respectfully remind him of Matthew 7:3-5.

opinion is just that, but what you 2 decide should be your "law", and if the marriage has a chance, you BOTH need to start living by that "law". letting other folks decide your "laws" can lead nowhere but in the divorce line at the court house.

peace
tim

Noplacelikehome, pops, tuff, thanks so much for your responses. I know it's a busy time of year. Christmas really snuck up on me this year!

My H and I have since talked more about what we're going to tell people... well actually we got into a HUGE fight about it and I ended up spending about 3 hours on the phone with my mom and dad. I really didn't want this to be something that was going to split up our families as we've always been very close, but with my H being told one thing and me another, it seemed bound to happen.

My H and his family are VERY close and I know that there's no one in the world that he admires more than his dad and his older brother (and in all honesty, they're both worth all the respect and admiration we could give them). They're both incredible men. Unfortunately, it's hard to me to compete against that. I know the fastest way for me to LB my H is to attack his family.

So after talking to my dad, he passed the phone to my mom and then he got on another line and called my FIL. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my H and I and my family live in Canada; my ILs live in Ecuador. That's a pretty huge distance barrier. Anyways, my dad was pretty candid with my FIL about how his letter made me feel and how it's caused a lot of problems between my H and me when things were finally starting to improve.

My H and I were able to have a much more calm coversation about the whole situation last night. I guess he'd been talking about our position with his parents quite a bit, but not with me. I didn't even know that they'd been talking about it! He thought (as did I) that we'd made our decision about what to tell extended family... only what I thought we'd decided was different from what he thought we'd decided. Ah, the joy of misunderstanding! The letter from my FIL basically broadsided me and it felt like my H was changing his mind based on what his parents wanted. But his parents were just going on what my H had told them.

So what do you get when you mix emails, miscommunication, lack of communication, and a couple thousand miles into an already emotionally charged situation? a mess, that's what. But luckily we've sorted this one out.

We still haven't totally decided what to say to extended family, but you're all right when you say it has to be OUR decision. Thanks so much for your support and advice... again.

Merry Christmas! Here's praying this new year will be better than the last!

Amy

I havent had a chance to respond and I dont have time to read all your responses. I am waiting on hubby to come home and my daughter from other mans house so we can have christmas, the kids are on pins and needles waiting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If I have to wrap one more present I just might scream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

How much you tell is up to you and your husband My husband picked and chose who we told and when, first came our children. That was most important, then we told My family. Not the extended family, just close ones we share our lives with, my sisters and such.

How much you tell depends on how you will raise this child and what you and your husband have agreed to.

There are people who still dont know, we here all the time how much she looks like my husband, they dont have a clue, and feels he is her daddy to so it isnt something we mention if not appropriate.
when You make peace with yourself, your husband and God, You owe nothing to any one else, It isnt there business and you only need to share how much you want to share, Your inlaws, have got to let you and your husband decide how and when you will proceed, and your husband needs to tell them this and you and he stand up together as a team and make that decision and ask them to respect your time table.
Take a deep breath and go enjoy christmas,

I can hardly wait, we just have to give oma nd his wife a present , make nice , offer a drink and then they will be on there way, and my kiddos will be up all night playing, but in the morning off to christmas with Grandma. Have funa nd enjoy your family.