It has been a while since my last post, so I will give a quick refesh and catch up. I found out my H had an affair in May and ow is pregnate. We are really struggleing. ow keep saying she did not want child unless h left. H was slow to make a decision bc he wants to stay with me. oc is due end of jan. H is 100% sure child is his. when i suggest a test he gets angry. we want to work things out but we are not sure what to do. h partents are unreal. they think him staying with me is totally wrong and he should be in jail. h wants to help with oc and i am willing to try and be a step parent. his parents only care about the baby. they even invited ow to thanksgiving and not me. there own daughterin law!! for christmas they said h could come down but i was not welcome. all becuase of this oc. we are willing to bring oc to see them but they do not care. h should be with ow in thier eyes. my parents know about oc, though not happy are accepting. h is very frustrated and feels trapped. i do not think he should even talk to ow until child is born but he is "so worried" is this ok. Where do you go to find a good marriage counsler in pa. I am so hurt. i do not want to leave but i am beginning to feel desprite. ow keeps saying she does not even want oc. h says she says she wished she had aborted it. i suggested adoption, but h wants oc. we do not have any children. ow is so immature that she hangs up the phone on me every time she calls. i have not even said anything to her. and to think i actually called her a friend. any advice on how to survive this pain would be greatful or how to handle h insane parents. thank a ton. sorry this is so long.

jen,
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Re: counselors, I would pick up the phone and start calling around. Try to find one who has experience counseling infidelity and agrees with MB principles.

When I first came to MarriageBuilders, I found another young lady whose inlaws took the XOW's side... I emailed privately with W for over a year or 2. It was shocking! Her inlaws invited XOW and OC to EVERYTHING--from "family" dinners to funerals! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> --completely hoping to destroy the marriage--so their son and W had to make some painful decisions.

They decided to SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE. They presented a united front to inlaws and XOW. They tried to have visitation with OC repeatedly for 2-3 years, but the in-laws and XOW interferred with the agreed-to guidelines and continued to disrespect their marriage. The couple finally chose to discontinue contact w/in-laws and w/OC, which was heartbreaking for them on both accounts. But it was better than living a life of insanity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Jen, it IS insanity. What your inlaws are doing, what the XOW is doing--it's all insanity... and dealing with insane behavior cannot help but affect our own. At some point we must protect ourselves.

I hope your husband will join you in protecting your marriage, together, in the unity you were meant to have until death do you part.

You are a brave and caring woman to agree to help parent OC, but you deserve to have LEGAL and BINDING visitation agreements, then you and H have legal standing for trying to make the arrangements work. It can take a lot of time and money and might still not work out if XOW and inlaws continually fight the guidelines, but the courts might help.

It's a heartbreaking situation and I feel for you. Please know you aren't the only one this has happened to, and I wish you and your marriage the best.

Prayers,
J in recovery 4y and glad I stayed

OMG! I don't even know what to say except I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and I pray that things work out for you, sorry I don't have any advice or something more helpful I just read your post and felt compelled to say something. Best of luck to you.
bridgette

Hi Jen,
I am so sorry that you are in such a situation. My inlaws were also very supportive of ow. ALthough she wasn't even part of their lives, they made comments to me like "she seems like SUCH a nice girl." Hey thanks!!. I can't even imagine how this must make you feel. It certainly is not right. Where are you in PA? I am based in Wellsboro, PA, and often work in COudersport. But right now I am attending law school in Harrisburg. Best of luck to you.
-cdcollins

I live right near Carlisle. I teach for the high school. I want to thank all of you for you commments. it is very helpful to hear from others. I am in so much pain and wish it would all just go away. I am really struggleing with anger right now and am afriad i am driving my H away. Any help on how to deal with this pain and anger?

I live right near Carlisle. I teach for the high school. I want to thank all of you for you commments. it is very helpful to hear from others. I am in so much pain and wish it would all just go away. I am really struggleing with anger right now and am afriad i am driving my H away. Any help on how to deal with this pain and anger?

Hi Jen,
I am less than 20 minutes from you when I am at school. Small world, eh? I am also a former high school teacher. If you would like to have lunch or something sometime, let me know.
-cdcollins

jen,
anger and pain...

1) be very KIND to yourself; be your own best friend!
2) exercise
3) cry when you need to
4) pick a safe place, yell and smash things if you need to--tear up old magazines or hammer old fruit or old china
5) journal and/or talk to a friend you can trust
6) turn to God; He's a friend who never deserts or betrays

My 2c,
J