I am single and had an affair with a married man. He never led me on, it was clear he was just doing it for fun and there was very little emotional involvement. We hardly know each other any better than when it began. He was someone I was very tempted by and enjoyed being with very much, I could have fallen in love with him under different circumstances. Although I feel a very strong connection with him I know he loves his wife and wants to stay married. I felt he was going to cheat regardless of who it was and I was just taking advantage of it. It met my needs at the time because I wasn't ready for a legitimate relationship with anyone. I had recently ended a five year abusive relationship with the father of my two small children and I wasn't willing to trust anyone around my kids or too far into my life. I never called or pursued him, even avoided his calls a lot, but I would give in and see him about once or twice a month. I didn't expect it to continue as long as it did- over a year. I never wanted to break up his marriage or for things to go any further with us. I figured he would move on or lose interest at some point. Or that I would meet someone I wanted to date legitimately. Then the worst thing happened- I became pregnant and wasn't able to go through with an abortion, even though it made the most sense. I have taken the stance that I will not tell anyone or ask anything from him. But as my due date draws near I have questioned that decision. I am already a single mother and am still in college. Financially I am in big trouble. And what do I tell this child about it's father? I am pretty sure that it's not worth destroying a marriage over money. His wife cannot have children, so I don't think she would ever forgive him or accept this. He already had two children from previous relationships before they were married. He is mainly concerned about her finding out, of course. He wants to just walk away and keep it a secret. I have felt that even though we both were wrong, I was the one who made the decision not to end the pregnancy and so should bear more of the burden. I don't want to hurt anyone, but is that the right thing to do? As the wife would you rather know the truth or is it better not to know? I know he deserves no leniency here, but I am more concerned about the pain it will cause to his wife and their families. Yet I also have to think about this child and providing for it financially. Is it better to not have a father or have a father in this kind of circumstance? Help!

I may get pummeled for this, but if I could send this to her in a private message, I would.

There are more women in an entire spectrum of situations similar to yours at:
http://64.62.137.163/forum/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=forum;f=6

Just a peaceful, well meant, public service announcement that I would have done via private message if possible. The poster can do with it as she wishes.

(Holding up my hands and slowly backing away.)

I understand what your saying but should have though about it before having an affair with a married. It doesn't seem from your story that he promised you any thing. Both of you should have know what happen when two people have sex. They is really no garanteed that babies would be made after having sexual relations with a man. Not to say that it just your fault but you should have though about. One thing that bothers me is why would a women who has gone through an abusive relationship before try to hurt any there woman. I think the best thing to do since there is a baby involved,who is not at fault, is to talk to the father. Maybe he may be willing to help you finacially. If not, then take him to court for cs. Why should the baby be without because of two selfish individuals. I feel for the wife but she shouldn't have to live with a lie. If this man loved his wife so much, then he shouldn't have cheated on his wife. God knows is going to hurt but it would be better for her to know. The wife should be given the opportunity to decide whether to stay with her husband or not. It a painful experience to discover that your husband has cheated on you. I know because I still experience the pain. The worse is to know there is a baby involved. As the OW, think before you leap. Let your intuition guide. Hope Im not be to harsh on you.

Lostone,

Well, I believe that you should let well enough alone! If you are in a major financial bind, which it seems you are, and aren't able to raise this child on your own, and don't want to "harm" the MM's W, then put the baby up for adoption! No, it's not an easy decision to make, but one that would help EVERYONE involved! You are single, and raising 2 other children on your own already, is it really possible to raise a third on your own? I gave a child up for adoption 15 yrs ago, and know how much you go through, emotionally, when you do that, but I also know that I am in a much better place than I would have been if I'd kept her and raised her. Why do I know that, well, I was not financially able to take care of a child when I became pregnant, then BF, now H was still in high school. And, I respected my parents saying that they didn't want to raise another child, so if I kept the baby, I'd have to find my own place to live! Over all, it was the best for everyone involved! Baby went to a home that was wanting a baby for many years, but were unable to have children of their own, I was able to wait till I was married to have anymore children, and if she finds us later, and questions us about that, well, we really couldn't take care of ourselves at that point, let alone a new baby!

Just something to think about. Abortion isn't the only answer in situations like this.

Tigger

I think you and him were both wrong. Him especially since he is the one that is married. Now there is a baby on the way that did not ask to be born into this situation. What I cannot understand is why to adults who know that if protection is not used what could happen would not take precautions. Now there are two people who are going to be hurt by this situation, the wife and the new baby. Of course the husband needs to step up to the plate and take care of his chid, no question about that. He is the father and needs to do what is right. As far as the wife is concern, I agree with one of the responses, the wife needs to know what is going on. She has to be the one who decides if she wants to stay and work on her marriage or leave. It will be painful, a lot of hurt will be there, but she will be a lot more hurt if she founds out a few years down the line that her husband had a child while they were married. Take it from this wife, who's husband had a baby from and affair that continues to this day, I rather had known than not.

Oh honey, I feel your pain and as I read everyone else's response's I can see that they have never been in your situation so they can't understand where you are coming from. First let me tell you my story, I too was having affair with a married man , who had 2 children from a previous marriage, and one child with his current wife. We both knew that it was an affair and that's it. I too became pregnant. When I told him he wanted me to get an abortion of course I couldn't do that. So I moved back to my home town. I depended on the support from my friends and family to keep me sane. My finacial situation was horrible too. i filed bankrupcy when I was 7 months pregnant. I borrowed money from my parents to buy a car since mine had been repossed and went on with my life. I cried everyday. And I prayed alot. I had a beautiful baby girl and I still struggle but I wouldn't change a thing!!!! God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and you can do this. Don't feel sorry for yourself. God has blessed you with 3 children/ Take the man to court for child support, finish school and keep your head held high. You have done nothing that half of the people in America hasn't done. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take Care you are in my prayers!

As one of the writer wrote, I've never walked in your shoes and never will. But I doknow the pain the is cause by an A. Do what your think is right. What's in your heart. Most important do what is best for this baby. I believe the wife should know because things have a way of coming back and slapping us in the face. Your child will grow up and will want to know his biological dad. Meditate on your question and see what answers you will come up with.

Lostone,

Your options:

1)Raise the baby.
A. "Disappear" from MM w/said baby so that you have complete control.
B. Get child-support.
If you do this, then you do not have any say in whether MM(and his W) have normal visitation or not, unless they prove to be obviously abusive. Whether MM behaves in the fatherly role IS NOT UP TO YOU--it's up to he and his wife. Either of them may not be able to face continued contact with you via the child, or they could fight for joint custody.
Financial help is your legal right. "Fatherhood" is not. Your guess that she won't want contact w/baby may be right, or it may not.

2)Find a nice family to adopt/raise the baby. It's hard, but there are SO many other people who would love him/her without the complications.

Abortion, while legal, is something I don't advocate.

I hope you find a prayerful solution.
God be with you,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

LostOne--I've never come to this part of mb before, and I haven't been in your situation, but when I read your post I really felt for you and had to reply.

I see no need to attempt to criticize you for having an affair or getting pregnant--what's done is done and you are the one that has to deal with the consequences of both.

As far as what to do now, you have to look out for the interests of your unborn child. Period. You need to talk to MM. Regardless of how he feels about it, he had just as much part in creating this child as you did, and he is just as responsible for taking care of the baby. If you wind up having to sue him for child support, so be it. An innocent child should not have to suffer from the poor judgement/bad decisions/mistakes of the parents. The child was not a willing participant in the affair. I don't mean to sound bitter or condescending, I really do feel for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was the one who made the decision not to end the pregnancy and so should bear more of the burden.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though you made the decision not to end the pregnancy, you were not solely responsible for beginning the pregnancy. And unless you give him custody of the child, you will bear more of the burden regardless. You will be the one taking care of your child every day --he won't.

IMO (and all of this is JMO), he should come clean to his wife about EVERYTHING. She has the right to make an informed decision about whether or not to stay in the marriage, and she also has the right to know that she has a stepchild on the way.

Please, if nothing else, make sure that you do what is best for the child, not what makes things easier for you and MM. And although you are under a great deal of stress right now, don't forget to take care of yourself.

friendofk--if you hadn't done it, I would have! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 03:23 AM: Message edited by: lostbuthopeful ]</small>