I moved out of the house Dec 5/02, 9 months ago. 22 years of marriage to a "nice" christian man. Well, I was 24 and getting old, wasn't it time to marry? He went to church and was nice looking. So I asked him out, he agreed and I swept him off his feet. I'm gregarious, full of life and humor. I infused our relationship with energy and ideas, little realizing that it was all one way. Had 2 wonderful boy babies who I adored, played basketball with them, played baseball, taught them how to rollerblade. I am their biggest fan. But as they grew older and less dependent and in my life, I realized I had no one to talk to or share my life with. Husband had grown bitter and depressed, as job after job failed to work out. His attitude toward life became a thing I despised. I tried to fill out job applications, school applications, get him to a doctor, make appointments with a counsellor - NO, he wasn't interested. I went out a got a job to support the family, as he was out of work quite abit of the time. And I kept trying to make a life for our boys, stayed happy and busy, and had friends. And I grew so lonely, way deep inside, there were no needs being met - absolutely NONE. I lost complete respect for this man, everything he said was negative and ugly about life, and he wished he could die.

I began a friendship with a man from church, tennis and chatting. And yes, of course we grew close. He was unhappy married as well. Now I look back it just seems such a no brainer, two absolutely lonely people, desperately looking to have our emotional needs met. He left his 23 year marriage the same time I did, and we now live separately, trying to sort our lives and our children out. My boys are so angry with me, they think I was just immoral and had no reason to leave - after all, you and dad never fought!! And I listen to their pain - and the family is completely torn apart - something I thought would never happen. My family saw my marriage consisted of 1 person for years - I kept bailing to keep the boat up. I grew weary, and yes, I fell in love. God forgive me for putting my dear children through this - but I could NOT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE of that horrible negative attitude. That terrible wasteful attitude of the gift of life God has given us. I so worried about how this attitude is affecting our children. And my ex is hateful toward me - swearing at me, saying he would like to "do something to me" if he weren't a christian. Yes, he has his side of the story, but you know, I was so fed up for so long, I felt absolutely nothing walking out on that man. Terrible pain for my kids and their broken home, terrible. And guilt and agony of soul for their pain, but I would have to die to go back there. Now I hope and pray that as my sweetheart and I move forward into our life together, God can make beauty of ashes. Its a hard hard time.

A similar situation happened to some people that I know and I feel for you but I feel even more for the other people involved. The woman in the situation similar to you never expressed to her husband (who did suffer from depression as well) how unhappy she was, never gave him an ultimatum to get help or she would leave, she just left one day. She actually told me 2 years ago that her husband was her big teddy bear and she just loved him so much. He adored her and would have done anything for her. While I think both of these people need to shoulder the responsibility for their relationship breaking down, she allowed her heart to become cold toward him and at that point he had no chance to fix things.
The other man was married and his wife was very upset about him chatting on e-mail and playing tennis on a regular basis over a 3 or 4 year period with this “other woman”. She was afraid that he was becoming too close to the other woman and the other woman had actually told her that she was attracted to her husband several years ago. He felt she was too needy if she couldn’t handle him having female friends. Turns out her fears were warranted. Now there are four children deeply hurt and a woman still very much in love with her husband but she has no chance because there’s a 3rd party that won’t bow out.
To make matters worse the “new couple” showed up at several church ball games together upsetting and embarrassing his children and making most people that knew both couples really uncomfortable. Most of their friends still care for these people but just don’t want them to think that what they did is o.k. That would be betraying the other 2 people that were hurt so badly. And please, don’t say it’s none of their business, people who truly care about all of these people have shed many tears for all involved, over this!
While marriages have problems and maybe some may seem or even are insurmountable, I really don’t think there is any justification for stepping into another marriage and taking them down with you. Please think seriously about backing off of the new relationship, find yourself first, if you’re meant to be with this person it will happen later but hopefully the children involved will be more able to accept it at that point. If he can work things out with his wife, then perhaps that’s what is meant to be.

Thank you for your advice. There are a couple of things that you might be unaware of. Have you read the book His Needs/Her Needs? Have you read that we have emotional needs that WILL be met, and if your partner refuses to meet these needs, after years and years and years of unbearable loneliness, the chances of meeting someone might happen? Have you ever considered that the gentleman in the scenario you are familiar with started a friendship with a female friend because he was so desperately lonely and his emotional needs were not being met? Nor maybe COULD they be met, if he was living with a child instead of a wife. I certainly felt that was my situation. One giant baby who was willing to sit and pout and hate his life, rather than be a man and change things. I never gave my husband an ultimatim eiher - had NO respect left for him. I didn't believe for a SECOND that he had what it takes to be a partner. And I think as adults if we are not interested in improving ourselves and learning and growing, if it takes an ultimatum to get you motivated - well its the wrong motivation. Sorry, I just didnt' believe enough. And I pray God will forgive me for that. Certainly I have learned much about suffering and God's mercy. And I pray He will use all of this pain to give me depth of character, so that I can reach out to others in the same situation.

What are you saying? That if you meet people going through a difficult time, you'll encourage them to leave their spouse rather than work things out with love, communication and marriage counselling.
You mentioned God, WWJD??

From the heart Sally - why are we having this "conversation". Are you really trying to understand what happened to your friend(s)? I can only tell you from my heart the reasons my life has turned out this way. Believe me, the person who leaves certainly goes through huge amounts of pain/guilt/remorse, pain is not exclusive to the person who is left behind!

WWJD? You and I both know the loving heart of God, and the beautiful nature that never gives up on us. But I am not Jesus, nor does it seem I have enough faith to stay with something that seemed so utterly hopeless. From the outside looking in, it looks to me a little too easy for you to judge me and find me wanting. It also appears to me that you place responsibility for this man leaving his wife squarely on me. Why is that? Does he not have any control over what he does? I am not here to answer for him, or for me. I am not here to try to justify anything. I am a sinner, I have failed, I have hurt my children, I have disappointed God and my family. I have hurt and disappointed myself. My life is in ruins - there is no justification. What is, just is. And now I am trying to pick up the pieces and learn and grow. And Sally, the same Jesus you ask me to serve is the one you serve. Save your judgements, understand the view you bring to the situation is only yours, you have not walked in my shoes, do not have my heart and perspective. Save your energy to love people who you deem unloveable, that is what Jesus would do. Love me, try to understand, pray for me and my situation. Pray for our children. That is what Jesus would do. Thanks Sally.

I'm not trying to judge you and yes, I am trying to understand my friend. I'm trying to understand how this friend that I respected so much has gotten herself into this situation. I honestly respected her walk with Christ so much that I'm finding it very hard to understand the position she's in. I admit that my reaction to my friend has been really poor and I’m sorry for that!
I have walked in your shoes, I know the pain you are going through and I do feel for you (as I mentioned in my first note). I also can understand being so despondent over a relationship that didn't meet my needs but that was before I came to Christ. I just didn't ever expect that you would allow something to grow once the emotional dependency between you and the other man became evident.
I do pray for you and all of the people involved, daily and will continue to do so. I pray for what God knows is best, to happen, regardless of my personal feelings (which would be that all families were restored, I really think that is the biblical answer as well). At very least I pray that each person involved can find peace with themselves and that there is no lasting bitterness for anyone because I’ve seen what bitterness can do to the children of the marriages (regardless of age) and it’s heart breaking.
Finally, no I don’t blame you for the choices the other man has made, he’s a big boy and is responsible for himself. My relationship with him wasn’t as close so I’m not really trying to figure out what he’s thinking.

Let me ask you something Sally. This is a topic that the man I love and I have discussed in depth (along with EVERYTHING else - never found someone I could talk to like this). Loneliness - and the capacity of God to fill that. I maintain that even christians end up falling into affairs because God created us to be spiritual, as well as physical beings. And He does fill that spiritual part of us completely, but we are still physical beings, with a need for companionship and love. And if those very real needs are not met, continue to not be met, and there seems no hope of them ever being met, then we are definitely at risk. I loved and still love God with all my heart. At the time I began a relationship with this man, I was very very much in love with Jesus, He was very close. But I also was so unhappy and lonely that I was only wishing and hoping for heaven. It was what got me through, what I focused on so I could stand the loneliness. So when I met someone I could talk to, that loneliness that I feel God could not fill, because it was human, not spiritual, began to be filled.

I do feel like sharing something else with you about myself. In my long marriage, there really was never a partner to talk to, at any deep level. Even before my husband's bitterness set in, I was alone in many ways. I did not marry someone who had depth, any kind of a personality, or abilities. He put on quite a show when he left the house, but once back inside, it was empty and shallow. And I could not feel respect for someone who disliked himself so much he had to pretend to be someone else when he went out. Years and years and years of that - he was quite the christian on the outside, was an elder etc. And he is not a bad man, not at all. But he was not an honest man at all. And I could never understand how he could live with himself, with all that fakery. But now I am beginning to see that it was a terrible self esteem, and fear at being discovered to be a nothing, as he perceived himself.

Anyway, to tell you the truth, if I had to do it all over again? I would NEVER NEVER EVER leave for another man, but I would leave MUCH sooner. And now I know how strong of a person I am, and that I am capable of paying my own bills and making my way in the world? Well, I was living a life completely on my own back there anyway, this was just a matter of getting a separate residence, really! OK, enough about me. Love your friend, she certainly has her side of the story too, and she needs you more than at any other time in her life. Nice talking to you.

I read this exchange above and frankly, I'm just baffled. Mostly by the attitude that claims an inalienable right to "happiness" and "having my needs met". I'm wondering why you think you are owed that - by life, by your former husband, by your lover, and ultimately by God (whose job, you imply, is to now meet your forgiveness needs as you are feeling guilty)?

Well, how does "take a slow boat to china" fit as a reply? Not too christian...but very honest.

I'm kinda going through the same thing myself. My husband is DEVASTATED by past events... he is so depressed and the things he says are all negative..I'm afraid he has given up on life. He just wants to get a big sailboat and sail away. So obviously our marriage is not doing so well right now. Mitch may be borderline bi-polar and I am bi-polar but I have usually have controll over my disease. It is a hard thing to live with .. depression. and it is very easy to be angry with the person who gives up on life. because he/she gives up on you and is essentially hurting you(me).. the negative attitude is toxic. It will creep into your brain your bones your life and affect everything you do. It will turn your colors gray and take the good out of your life. I don't blame you for leaving your husband. We can't fight the depression for them... They have to do that. Depression this large and omnipotent is equall to any drug dependency, any obsession.. And if your lover loses the will to fight, you can drown to. I tell my husband I can't afford to go with him, as my depressions have bordered on suicidal. I hope that if he feels loved and are marriage gets off the rocks his faith in himself will restore. But I am not going to wait the depression out 5 years. I will give it two. Wish me luck
hk

Wow - sounds amazingly difficult. I give you so much credit for trying so very hard. I guess in retrospect I should have given my ex much more warning. My children are so hurt by the loss of family and I am as well. However, it always felt like the family consisted only of the kids and myself at the best of times. The balance is one of either losing yourself to support the marriage, or being able to retain your strength while working on the marriage. I believe I had come to the point where to stay was toxic. Best of everything to you in your struggle.

Curious that this is posted under infidelity, makes one wonder what the actual issue is!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />