I still think I should charge my Husband's ex-ow a "stud fee". I mean, after all, money is taken from my children too.

She can barely pay what she owes.

I'm not trying to be nasty but I still think the ex-ow owes me something for lost time etc. with my husband. I know all dynamics are different in all circumstances, including my own, but I still think some form of restitution should be made to me considering my husband is making restitution to me, while having to pay what he created.

Again, above all, I say my husband and his ex-ow are both 100% responsible. There's no 50/50 here....the courts went by a percentage and by Mr."T"'s base pay, Overtime and extra details...the overtime and extra details aren't always guaranteed. Now he spends less time at home and his own wife and children don't see him as much.

It sucks all around.

I'm vitally interested in all you all have to say. I'm just venting on my situation and in no ways attacking anyone else.

I'm sick, I'm crabby today and my house is a mess....I think I'm gonna go eat worms....sniff..sniff...chalk this one up for a bad day for me.

Twiisty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by twiisty:
<strong>
Overtime and extra details...the overtime and extra details aren't always guaranteed. Now he spends less time at home and his own wife and children don't see him as much.

It sucks all around.

I'm vitally interested in all you all have to say. I'm just venting on my situation and in no ways attacking anyone else.
Twiisty</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Twiisty - I hope you feel better soon. And please don't eat worms, it's kinda gross - don't you watch fear factor? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
OK - xMM is a police officer. Who has ALWAYS done tons of details. When the initial child support order was issued, he lied on his financial statements and cut his income into over 1/2 of what he'd actually made. When we went back in 99, he did the same. His wage records were subpoenaed, and the judge based the order on his actual income. He wanted her to base it on his base pay. She told him..."xMM. You are a police officer. You do details. You choose to do those. If you choose never to do another one again, then come back and ask for a modification and I'll lower it, until then - they count."

This is just MY situation alone. He has always done a tone of details - because he chose to. Not because of any cs obligations - because he did them before any OC was ever born. For him, I think it should be included in his income.

And I agree that it sucks all around.

Mr."T" has to do those details in order for me to stay at home. That was something we agreed to, long before ex-ow and OC came along. The courts did not take me, our marriage or our son into consideration and dismissed the fact that he paid 100% also for dinobon and curly-top (his step-daughters).

That's what I'm steamed about. We need it to survive and pay our bills. I'm mad at Mr."T" for messing things up.

Thanks for thinking of me...if I was on fear factor, at least I'd pay off my bills...I'm just afraid of heights though....

Hugs,
Twiisty

Twiisty,

Maybe I'm thick but I don't understand something you said. How is it that you feel the xow owes you something for lost time with your H? I am asking because I spent alot of time with my xom and his wife was always complaining about he was never home, etc. If she ever suggested I owed her something for that lost time, I'd have to say that he was not there of his own free will. How does that maker her (or me in my case) responsible for lost time in anyway?

CM

The only issue I would like to touch on this that the NCP should not pay more just for choosing NC. I disagree. Like Pops said, in California, CS is calculated based on both parties net disposable income. After those numbers are calculated, time share is factored in. If the NCP has any visitation (a percentage of time), then that percentage is deducted from the NCP&#8217;s &#8220;obligation&#8221;. For instance, both parties&#8217; income is calculated and applied to the formula for CS in California. The result is that NCP pays CP $500, but NCP has a 30% timeshare. 30% of the $500 will be deducted from his obligation and he will only have to pay$350. The premise for this is that for the days that NCP has the child for visitation, the NCP is providing those child&#8217;s needs (food, lodging, etc.). If the NCP is not exercising his visitation and assuming responsibility for the child 30% of the time, then he should not get the 30% credit on his CS obligation. It&#8217;s kind of like getting paid for hours you didn&#8217;t really work. The court&#8217;s intent in reducing how much you pay was so that you would have that money to provide for the child when he/she is with you. Anyway, that&#8217;s the theory.

In an ideal world&#8230;&#8230;..

CM,
Your time with MM could be considered an undue and detrimental influence to MM's marriage. It goes to alienation of affection. Your involvement with MM was a direct cause of time lost between the spouses, which in turn could be construed as a predominant factor in the marriage unraveling, causing emotional pain and suffering, which is generally recoverable under a civil suit(the pain and suffering part...dependant on the purpose of the suit).

Did I make ANY sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

CM,
Another way to look at it is..
MM is 50% responsible for the cost of the child because he is 50% responsible for that child being concieved.
Then OW is 50% responsible for the pain and
suffering caused to BS by the affair because she was 50% of the affair and therefore should shoulder monetary responsibility to the BS for pain and suffering. In this state it is called criminal conversation and is a civil action.

I soppose I never considered all of the legal implications as anything more than rubbish. I was looking at it more from a human perspective rather than the legal side. I say that because in my case, xom had a history of workaholism, perfectionism which led to his wife and me always asking for more time with him. It was just how he was. Neither here or there now. Although, I wonder how is the time deprived calculated, that is to say what is the basis for formulating a calculation? Seems insane to me.

CM

CM,

The assessment of punitive damages can be so subjective. It depends on how well you plead your case. Sometimes you can end up getting more than what you asked for.

***that is to say what is the basis for formulating a calculation? Seems insane to me.***

Just like calculating an increase in cs because of nc is insane to some of us. Same theory, different opinions. How do you calculate what a parents time is worth ?

"Just like calculating an increase in cs because of nc is insane to some of us. Same theory, different opinions. How do you calculate what a parents time is worth" ?

I'm the first one to admit that I have no idea a fair way to calculate what a parents time is worth. I don't have an answer to that. I am not even sure that it can be converted to money and morally be a wash. I just know what it takes to raise a child. I am not thinking in financial terms. I'm talking about the blood and sweat that goes into child rearing. No cs award in the world compensates for that.

CM

You're not thick Cm...it's just something that I feel ex-ow owes me. Not you or any other ex-ow. I'm talking about my situation. Although it was only three times that they had sex (confirmed by both parties and court) I would like compensation for the emotional turmoil that this whole thing put me through, ex-ow calling me two weeks post-partum, the costs of my zoloft 50/50 split with my husband who owes me much for many years ahead, but I can't slam him with a frying pan, much now, can I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I feel like I lost a year of my son's life due to the emotional stress etc. that BOTH parties share 50/50 blame on. Mr."T" pays every day of his life living with me, in one way or another...

I'm just sick right now, pregnant and hormonal and trying to make sense out of my life and finances right now...all of which are unraveling right before my very eyes.

In some ways, I still want ex-ow to pay just as much as Mr."T" is paying. But I'll never know how she really feels. I thought of writing ex-ow a letter letting her know what she did to our family and the pain she's caused. Some wonderful OW's advised me that it would not be a great idea if she was intent on destroying my life, why give her the satisfaction of letting her know?

She moved on with her life. I'm trying to move on with mine. I'm not happy with the choices I've made and am determined to make it work as best as I can. Mr."T" and my marriage is as good as it can be despite the knowledge of the fling and OC.

Our marriage might crumble due to finances due to a host of reasons, Court costs, medical costs, the debt that we had before OC was found out, the Cs obligation, the payments of Atty.'s etc. and now more hospital bills loom....if it ain't one thing it's another and that's called life. I can accept that, but this isn't what I envisioned for myself 6 years ago when I said "I do" to Mr."T".

I don't begrude the child the money, heck, I know what it's like to not get any for my two from a previous marriage.

I still think she should pay something to me for something...if I could put a finger on it, I would. I guess I want justice. In some small way, I feel she gets away with it, does that make sense?

I'm musing here....yeah, I read that some are pained because Daddy is not involved in child's life and all, but most moved on, get their money for the child and have a good life. It's the BS's that are left to pick up the pieces.

Now granted, my Husband was not in a long term relationship with an OW, I guess that's what makes it so ironic and makes me mad. But isn't a fling better than a Long term relationship? Who knows?

In my case, my H's ex-ow married. she married into a new relationship, knowing that she's loved, secure and her husband never cheated on her. I'm robbed of that due to my husband and ex-ow. I just feel that even though she owes child support to the son she lost custody to, she still has OC and that's it unless she and her H decide to have children together. (which is none of my business anyway) but it's like, "I'm going on with my life. I helped created havoc in someone else's life. I get this great paycheck for having OC (even though it's for OC) and everything's hunky dory."

Me? My life is:
"Oh my God, how can my husband do this to me? How can this woman knowingly give her body to a man she KNOWS is married? How can she NOT know that there are other children involved? How am I going to get past this and make my marriage work? How am I going to really TOTALLY forgive her and my husband? How can she move on and not even have a guilty conscience to what she did to my children?"

I have to find a way. I'm musing people here, so please no flames. Read slowly so you don't jump to conclusions to what I'm trying to say.

Nothing makes sense. I guess it's weird pregnancy hormones coupled with some serious financila difficulties here.

Honestly? I do want ex-ow to have a happy, fruitful and productive marriage to her Hubby.I hope they are financially successful, so they won't need our money or put it away for OC's college. I hope her husband is everything that Mr."T" cannot be to OC. That is my sincere wish.

But the human catty part of me wants her to suffer for what she did to me. She did do something to me. My husband did something to me. I make him pay in marriage counseling when I scream his head off at times. I do that to ex-ow and I go to jail. I guess I want justice. That's just my feelings today. I need to stop being ruled by my emotions.

Twiisty

Twiisty

"But the human catty part of me wants her to suffer for what she did to me. She did do something to me. My husband did something to me....I guess I want justice. That's just my feelings today."

I feel the same way you do today.

I accepted a long time ago that I will never have 'justice', that was the hardest part of my forgiveness process..you know something inside of me wished for ex-ow to give me an apology, but she wasn't married to me and she never knew me, why should she?

maybe now that she is a mother, she feels like she's transformed into this good person and wants to do what's right..having good biology doesn't warrant her any merit!

Just venting,
Butterfly

alienation of affection lawsuits have almost been done away with in calif. i was looking into this in the beginning. the reason in my case is that say i sued om for aoa. then what is to stop his w from sueing fh for the same thing. it seemed kind of a wash. i did want to sue him for the hundreds of dollars of cell phone bills fh ran up talking to him though.