mo5 and tiggerj,,,, i am hoping you can give me some insight. fh house is having a very hard time right now and i can't seem to get her back. she is feeling a lot of anxiety over the upcoming d.a. hearing for cs. i understand that. she is also having a real hard time forgiving herself for putting us in this mess. though many times i feel she is not happy with me and only relaxes while with the kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

my question is, did it help you at all forgiving yourself knowing that your h had stepped over the line also? i haven't strayed and am wondering if this is adding pressure on fh. let me say i have no plans of going down that path. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

all responses are welcome but please i don't need to here anything about that cheating, lieing crap. we all know those things are part of an a and i want to restore my marriage not divorce my wife.

Pops,

Well, I can say that self forgiveness is the HARDEST part of recovery! To be honest, I still have a problem with it myself! But, it is also something that another person cannot force upon you! I wish that I could say that there is a secret action or something to help FH along! Maybe I've had an easier time with my self forgiveness because I have been posting here almost from the beginning! It took a while to be comfortable, but I have always felt welcome here!

What are her anxieties over the hearing? Maybe you could have her come here and post! I know that with that part of our situations we are very different, but feelings usually run similar courses, regardless of CS or contact!

I wish that I could be more helpful! Tell FH to come here and post her concerns! Or, I would even be willing to email back and forth with her as well! Let me know!

Tigger

Hi pops,
This is a nosy question and so please don't feel obligated to answer... I'm just wondering if fh's anxiety is over xOM's finances or because she will have to see him while you are there?

Is this her first time seeing him since the baby was born and everything?

Do you think fh may still have feelings for the xOM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I remember fh didn't even want to bother with CS in the first place, am I right? But, I can't really remember her reasons for not wanting to pursue CS so I was just wondering if it is because xOM is not financially stable or because of not wanting to drag his family through the process?

Will she have to face xOM's spouse?

It's all a nightmare, I know. But when I went to court, we got it all done in one sitting, one hearing, and never went back for any increases, and there was basically no contact over the years. When OC was 10 they took him to dinner and I think it was because the BS couldn't stand it any more and wanted to see me and see the OC... I don't know how else to word it, but I have read a lot of comments on the boards about how curious the BS is about the 'monkeyho' and etc... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sorry but I just had to laugh when I read that reference to an xOW...

If it's any encouragement to you, hopefully, the xOM will just let you guys get on with restoring your marriage and family life with minimal disruption.

One other thing, you must feel so proud of your wife to go through with this process against her grain just in order to please you and do the right thing by you and your family--even tho it's so emotionally charged... Am I right?

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

pops
I am not sure if that helped, I have days where it still upsets me and I could just kick myself, what a dummy I was. I think we have reacted some different because of the things my husband put me through before hand, but I wish I had handled those experiences different than I did.

fh has got to be so stressed worrying over court and what may happen, it doesnt have squat to do with om, I can almost bet you, A mother worrying over what may happen is enough to make any one lose it.
She has a thousand things to worry over and she is trying to do right by you as well and make sure she is doing what you wish, she obviously loves you alot and wants to please you and restore your marriage,. But sometimes men see things black and white, this is very emotional for her.
I can tell you as good as a friend as I was and for how long with om, seeing my child leave with him, is stressfull for me. I understand the thoughts she is having, I have so many of them and the same worries, I would bet I could tell her all of them with out much thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> it is so hard, I beat my self up over it as well, but we can not change what is.
fh take a deep breath and know your are doing what is best for your baby, and god will make sure she is ok <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i will try to answer you qusetions as best ias i can. sorry if i post this in a piece meal fashion but i have written back twice only to lose the answers before i could post them.

fh's concerns as far as i know are ;

1 - she doesn't want to let her baby go away with anyone

2 - she is affraid he or his w will be mean and possibly spank grace

3 - she has fears of what he will do when he comes face to face with me.

these reasons tend to mostly confuse me except for om's w being mean to grace out of her own anger at her h. she is not letting her baby go with anyone. this is the wonderful guy that she was willing to risk our c's home security and happiness for. not the ogre she portrays him to be now. she knew his temper with his kids and it didn't bother her then. so why now?

she knows that i am not the fighting type of guy and i am not driven anymore to beat him with a bat. if he were to start trouble i am quite capable of taking care of myself. for nearly 30 years together she has never seen me lift a hand at anyone.

btdt,,,, i don't think she is at all concerned about om's finances.

this will not be the 1st time she sees him since summer 2001. there have been 2 other times i know of. once when she went into old work place to get paper work for changing jobs when grace was about 7-8 months old. his comment was she looks like his younger brother. and again when he followed her one day after he recieved his original court papers. asked why she didn't come to him herself. he has also contacted her once by phone after 2nd court notice to give him preliminary amount of cs. he accused her of being after his money. what money? hell he is a school bus driver for God's sake.

the reason she originally said she didn't want to seek cs was because he told her that if he had to pay then he wanted rights like schools, name and religion. right. his only right will be visitation if he chooses. i am also hoping he will not try to disrupt our family very much. that may be the straw that breaks this camels back. if he pulls stunts that hurt my c's. sorry i am as protective of my kids as any mother.

she wil not have to face om or his w if she chooses not to as i have been very open about letting her know that i desire to be the one to handle all communications along with drop offs and pickups.

as far as fh having feeelings for om? i am not really sure about that. how can i be? we have been together so long that she says she hates that i know so much about her. maybe she is affaid i will see something in her eyes when she sees him. after all this is the same guy that stole her heart enough for her to almost abandon her family in a matter of 2 weeks. it could also just be the imbarassment of having the both of us present at the same time.

interesting point that of pride. i have never thought of it that way. i may have if she would talk to me about it and maybe go over some answers for some of the different possible scenarios that could arise. instead she seems to be kicking and scratchung to keep me out of things so she can handle it by herself. my question is how can i trust her to handle this on her own when she couldn't handle his friendship by herself?

mo5,,, i am curious to know what specifically so many of the worries are? again this is a place of confusion for me other then fears of what om's w may or may not do.

For a mother who is used to her children being cared for by her and you and not sending them away with other people, it is a very hard thing to do, Not just om's wife, what om and his family and what if they teach her things you dont want her taught, and what if they are unpleasant around her, or bad mouth you in front of your child.
I think om in your case is from another country, what if he leaves the country with her[it has happened] ?
What if grace cries at night because she is not at home with her siblings and momma and daddy, and they[other family] dont understand and are not comforting to her ?
what if there is abuse and you dont know because she is too little to tell you ?
what if when she is with them, she has no schedule, no bedtime, and total caos, very hard on a small one.
what if she isnt eating right or they dont buckle her up when they take, her, gee pops as a mom there are a million things we worry about and other people caring for our children when they havent even bonded with this baby and dont and may not ever have the same love you have for her, is upsetting and hard to deal with, as parents we want to protect our children, and while they will learn, we sure do want to make it easier for them.
SOME BIRTH PARENTS THINK IF THEY PAY SUPPORT THEY CAN DO ANY THING THEY WANT WITH THE CHILD, AND MAY NOT CARE TO KEEP GRACE ON HER SCHEDULE OR FEED HER THE WAY YOU THINK SHE SHOULD BE FED, OR CHANGE HER ENOUGH.
How about the confusion if other man comes in and starts being daddy and now you have to explain to grace that he is her father, You dont know it now, but it is gonna hurt like you didnt expect it to.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

as much as I want this to work out for you, I think your going to lose more than your expecting if he chooses contact. I dont know how long fh was with this man, Has she known him for years and years, is she perfectly content with his child rearing habits and positive he will be a blessing to grace ?

I am just speaking form experience, I have known my daughters father for many years, I know more about him than probably most people, but I still worry about my daughter when she is gone.

Now before every one starts fussing about these examples, I just want to say, these are worries we have as mothers, rational or not, as mothers we worry.
Now more than likely she will be fine, there will be issues, but you will work through them, but this is very emotional for fh.
The first time my daughter left alone with om and his wife, I cried, she cried, om's wife cried, it was aweful. She doesnt cry any more. she does ask to go home alot if om is not there, this agrivates his wife,... that worries me.

Just be supportive and understand she has worries. I know going for support wasnt her idea, it isnt because she wants to save om money, it ust has to do with all those worries. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hmmm... well, if you still feel excluded from fh's thoughts and decisions, that's not good. Well, it's not good because if you don't feel secured in fh's love and trust, that can't be good.

OTOH, there are so many other good points that you can't let one negative mess up all the other good things. I'm sure fh has some good things she could choose to dwell on rather than the few negatives as well.

This is not easy on anyone, it's just a good thing the babies (OCs) are unaware of all the drama their parents and stepparents are working through and by the time they get old enough to process what all happened to them when/how they were born, (hopefully) they feel secured in love and acceptance by the parents who are raising them. That's the important thing.

Pray, pray, pray! Prayer is effective. When we can't change our spouses, we can pray and allow God to change our perspective and help us see things and be more compassionate.

I don't have any contact with my h's ex-ow or oc, but I am now dealing with "wild bill" who has been out of my two girls' lives for almost 7 years.

I cannot begin to tell you the disruption this is causing in our family now, especially since he got wind that he is being served for increase in CS.

When we started visitation, I had some of those concerns that Mo5 wrote about when it comes to how Wild Bill and his wife who never had any kids are going to care for his bio-children that he has no experience in raising. One of them a special needs child with bi-polar.

I got questioned on why she has to take so many meds.

I got complaints on how expensive the meds are.

I hear my children now threaten me and mr."T" that "they are leaving us and moving in with wild bill." (that can't happen, but it makes us mad that he plants those seeds in their heads....)

The list goes on and on.

Partially one of the reasons we have chosen No Contact to begin with. We are tired of dealing with crap.

I know your situation is different Pops and that your reason for CS is yours and all, but I would have loved to have jumped at a chance to raise OC without OM's interferance if I were you. But since I'm not and I can't possibly understand at times, I can't make that assumption.

I raised my girls for almost 8 years before Wild Bill decided to "act on his visitation" and although there are some things that are on my side that can help me (Abandonment, lack of contact etc.) I still cannot control what they do and say to my kids when they are with him and his wife.

I just wanted to emphasize what Mo5 said about worries from a mother's point of view.

I hope you find what works for you.
Prayers for you and FH,
Twiisty