It has been almost 10 years since I learned of my H's Affair. We have moved on and stayed together raised our children. I think we have created a better marriage than we had before with more consideration and communication. I learned what my failures as a wife were and he learned his failures as a husband. We also re-learned the good things about each other that drew us together in the first place.
We have had not contact with the OC or her mother in that time except when there was a glitch with the child support and medical support of the child.
To the best of my knowledge the OW is 34 now and still single. I find that curious, but that is not my business. She was 22 when she got involved with my H who was 38 at the time.
We have 5 children who are turning out pretty good I think. Except for the oldest they don't know of the affair or their half-sister. Their dad's choice. I suppose one day they will be told, his thought was no contact, no need to know. He also thought they would be able to deal with this as adults rather than as children or teenagers.
My personal thought-
At the time of learning of his affair, and OC, no contact was better. We were able to concentrate on our relationship and re-create, hopefully making our marriage 100 times better than before.
No contact is the choice of the married couple, the OW should have not say. The marriage and sustaining it are the priority. Once the marriage is back on track then the H can initiate contact if that is what he and his wife have decided. When the OW still harbors feelings for the H then it is better to maintain NC. Our OW still had "in-love" feelings for my H 5 years after he ended it. She sent him an update on their dau including a declaration that she still dreamed of his kiss.
If an OW truly wants the best interest of her child she would allow the H do pursue his marriage and encourage him and his wife to be involved with the OC. When she plays games, she undermines what she claims she wants for her child.
So that's my update and part of my story. Please read and comment. Share your thoughts.

Texasgirl

Texasgirl,

Yeah, I agree with pretty much everything you've said. In this instance, it's very important for the married couple to strengthen their marriage as a first priority (especially when they have children of their own). Without (re)building that foundation, it's unlikely that much good will come of any contact the WH has with the OC---not to mention the cost of it to his legitimate children and the marriage.

Once the marriage is solidly rebuilt and the appropriate marital skills and behaviors are learned---then I think it's a very good time to revisit the no contact issue, using a POJA style brainstorming session. For those who have healed and feel the marriage is strong, they may be able to successfully integrate the OC into their family and have a positive outcome for that child's sake. Other's may not ever be at this point---and then you're simply trading off the benefits of an intact marriage/family unit for the cost of a OC growing up without a father (assuming that the OW hasn't married).

And OW's can make this process easier or harder, depending on her behavior. To harbor designs on the WH, to undermine their marriage, to try to force contact---these are all things that end up hurting the child (and usually everyone involved).

The problem is that these issues and problems arise at conception, during an affair---that's usually a very selfish, self-centered, and emotionally unstable time for all (or most) of the players involved. To deal with this situation successfully requires a shift to selflessness for everyone involved , and that usually takes years, not days, to complete.

Good post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks K, to receive kudos from you I know I have done well. Your advice has always been right on for others.

Maybe that's what it is take is growth emotionally and physically. From my 50yrold (going on 25) vantage point, I see life and relationships differently than I did 10 years ago, 25 years ago.

Again thanks for your comment.

Texasgirl

K, (and TexasGirl)
You said: "In this instance, it's very important for the married couple to strengthen their marriage as a first priority (especially when they have children of their own). "- What if my H and I have No Children? Is the Marriage still more important than OC? The OW has a child...she gave him up except every other weekend, due to her "guilt" from the A.....yet she says she "loves my WH" and wants them to be a "family"...

Adgirl:

My emphasis in the previous post was especially for couples who have children together. Your situation is the same---yet different.

From a practical standpoing, my answer to you would be if you and your husband want to be in a fulfilling marriage---then your marriage should absolutely take precedent over the OC. In fact, I'd tell you that it should take precedent over your own children, when/if you have them. A strong marriage is the foundation of a strong family, and your children will (in general) grow up happier and more successful in a strong marriage (as opposed to having a "super mom" and a resentful dad).

If your husband was not committed to your marriage, or if you did not have a strong (moral) desire to stay married, then I would advise you to sit down and POJA divorce as a viable option. In this case, your husband could then marry the OW and father the OC. This is more of an exception than the rule---and (as with anything), should be done under the guidance of the POJA, to make sure that you truly are happy with that decision.

From moral standpoint (my morals, of course...) the marriage should take precedent too.

K,
Ok thanks. I am just confused about it all. He doesnt want to marry her, yet he misses me, yet he wants to be a full time dad. It is all a mess and I don't see any POJA anywhere in the near future. I guess that is why I have to just do nothing and wait.

Texasgirl,
How good it is to hear from you after a long absence!

I agree with your H about the "don't ask don't tell" until all are adults.
Hopefully your kids will look at your marriage as one to follow as any adversity did not seperate you two.

Also I suspect the kids will see you as a hero.

Letting sleeping dogs lie.

You went on in silence with great pain and adjusted along with your H to achieve great personal success.

OK, maybe not in silence, but you kept your marriage and family together much to the supression of personal pain.

You did a fabulous job!

So happy to hear from you.

May the Lord guide me and H to the ultimate....

love
Debi

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Thanks Gem for your response. I was feeling introspective today, and reading the current posts. Thought updating and sharing where I/we are might help some. I know that how we handled the situation might not work for all, but it might work for others. I wanted to show to others that an OW/OC situation has many options. This one worked for us.
To me it comes down to choices, and choosing our marriage and our chldren are the choices we made. It was made easier because the OW/OC lived in another state and the OW did back down.

Thanks, Texasgirl

Hi Texasgirl,
Hmmm... I wonder if the xOW even would have gone there (mentioning love and kisses) if you were the only available point of contact re: the OC update, instead of sending her letter directly to your xWH???? That was nervy, but I'm glad you can look back on it and have no reaction whatsoever... That IS good progress!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She thought the mail only went to him, but at that point he shared all correspondance with me. I emailed her later that I had read the letter and would appreciate it if she refrained from writing such things again. She responded with an apology that she would not. We have not heard from her again, not even info on OC. That letter also said he would receive info if he requested it, he didn't.
She has been a non-issue for a while. I will admit even now occasionally something will trigger a question, but no spasms of grief, more just curiousity. Like you take out an old photo and look at it, or see an old scar. You know when you see an old scar and say "Now how did I get that?" It is more like how we did let that happen? You think about it discuss it and then set it aside. (Am not perfect though , sometimes when I see that "scar" I have moments of pain, but I see the bigger picture, our 30 years together, our 5 children. I have my self-respect, I took a potentially bad thing and made it better and I am better for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Texasgirl:
<strong>She thought the mail only went to him, but at that point he shared all correspondance with me. I emailed her later that I had read the letter and would appreciate it if she refrained from writing such things again. She responded with an apology that she would not...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Busted.... Gotta love the united front!

Also, gotta give xOW credit for having the decency to apologize to you...

Well I can tell you my OC is all grown up and the OC knocking on xMM's door is the least of their worries now so hopefully you won't have to worry about that. I don't believe xMM's children know about OC either. If that family comes looking for OC, that would be one (outrageous & unusual) thing, but for OC to go knocking, (never say never), from where I sit, I don't see it ever happening...

May your marriage continue on the restored path! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />