i was wondering if anyone had any ideas of a schedule for a 1 yr old visiting her dad. frequency? duration? places? om is wanting to see grace since he is paying cs. fh has been handling this and is struggling. i went with her the 1st time to the park and om walked around and carried grace for about 45 minutes while we were sitting about 200 yards on the other side of the park. fh met him at mcdonalds a 2nd time and sat at the next table so grace would feel comfortable. he brought grace an Easter basket and they sat on my front yard for about 45 minutes.

he only calls fh on her cell phone to arrange times and it is usually the day or day before he wants to see grace. it also involves taking her from the baby sitters in the middle of the day and dropping her off again after lunch. this tends to piss me off a bit but i am dealing with it.

i would like fh and me to set up a schedule so grace can get onto it and to stop all these spur of the minute calls to see her at the last minute. i DON'T feel that fh is interested in him in any way romantically.

since grace is so young i thought that maybe every other sat & sun for say 1 - 2 hours each day for about a few months and every other wednesday evening for the same. depending on how grace is reacting slowly increasing the length of time until he can see her for the whole day. maybe when grace is about 3 she can spend the night.

i would still like fh to agree that all contact with om go thru myself and not her.

pops

Pops,

What you proposed sound reasonable to me. I also agree that you should be the point of contact, and that needs to be worked together with the poja. How to do that, I don't have any advice. I do know that even before I had found this site, right after d-day, that night in fact, I innitiated(sp) NC w/xOM! In fact, 4 days later, xOM had tried to talk to me through our screen door(I was afraid to go to the door and close it for fear that he would try to come in the house!) and I called the cops. That made him leave, and was pretty much the last time he tried to contact me. So, I don't know exactly what to tell you about how to go about the poja with the contact.

Just my $0.02 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tigger

A 1 YR OLD is still so very young, I honestly believe it should be at least twice a week for one hour or two hour periods. Frequent short periods because she needs to adjust and for a 1 yr old, a two week period is a long time to expect to get used tot he person , it will be like the first time over and over.
Just my opinion. I think spending the night when she is three is a good age. although at any age it is difficult to deal with but at three she can verbally tell you there is a problem.
I started letting mine go to spend the night before she was two and to be honest I hated it, she hated it, we just werent crazy about the whole seperationt thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now she doesnt spend the night at all, and I like it that way, He is free to see her and spend time and take her places, she just sleeps in her own bed with her family at night.

WHY did court not set up visitation and how did you get to pick when ? Its great but I thought the judge would automatically set up time.
and I think a long period of visit when you or full house is there with her is a good idea. So going for three months before you let her go alone isnt such a bad idea.
Your doing great POPS, But I do understand how hard this is to undertake. We are all doing pretty good these days, less stress, with relativley few problems. I pray we manage to keep it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> AT first visits were handled like your doing, short one hour periods. although his wife asked the first day when could she spend the night and how long could they have her, but after dealing with a two year old once for two days she has since changed her attitude. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We have never figured out the perfect way to do this, Just try what you think is best for grace and work from there. If all parties truly have that babies intrest at heart, they will work with you.

tigger and mo5,,,,, thanks for your input.
tigger,, i understand that your xom was very violent so i can see why you went the way you did. fh's xom is not that way.

after the hearing with the d.a. he called her on her cell phone and they set up the 1st visit. since then he just calls her whan ever he feels like it to try and set up visits on a whim. this bugs me as i feel he is trying to control things and have fh jump through hoops when he calls. nothing is set up in advance. if she tells him that she can't make the time he chose then he gets mad and theatens to "do something". what i don't know or care. but he is disrespectful of her with his attitudes. THAT really pi$$e$ me off. so far i have held my tongue but it is getting hard.

i had asked fh to have him call me to schedule visits but she decided to try and handle it herself. she is now struggling with her chioce again. i wanted to handle things for several reasons. 1- if fh goes to these visits without me it seems that she is giving grace a confusing image of where her family is. 2- i don't think she needs to deal with om and any of his crap. 3- i don't think om really wants to deal with me. maybe it would change his mind on visitation. he is probably thinking that grace needs him as a father role model. when he sees how much i love her he may realize that she will be fine. 4- it would be easier on fh not having to watch grace interact with om. 5- i still feel he is only seeing grace because he is paying cs. it would give me the opportunity to explain the reality of things to him. that his responsibility in this case is only financial and that if he really cared for his daughter he would not try and tear her between 2 families. as grace gets older this will become more evident. WARNING to all sharing visitations with young c's. it will become much harder on c as they get older and start to have their own preferences as to where they want to spend each weekend for example.

i will respond to mo5 on another post as i don't want to take a chance of losing this one. i type way to slow to have to retype anything. pops

mo5,,,,, the reason i thought every other weekend was that i wanted to have every other weekend for us as a family. that's why i thought we could intersperse the wednesdays. maybe we could do every wednesday. i do think that i need to take over the contact part though. i feel fh is way to emotionally close to handle it.

i thought that grace should wait until she is fairly competent speaking before she can spend the night also.

the reason the courts didn't set up visitation is because fh went thru the county's d.a.. they don't deal with visitation only cs. since cs is set in ca by a preset formula it didn't matter whether we hired an attorney or not. and this way the only thing addressed in court was money and that left fh to set a visitation schedule. the d.a. does usuall give a small break on cs and arrearages though. so if om wants to persue vistation thru the court system i am sure that a private attorney will get her more cs and arrearages. also since she is allowing him to see grace jsut not when it is causing her to miss work the judge will most likely have him pay all or part of her attorney fees. anyway not a smart move on his part.

it hasn't been to hard except when he dropped graces Easter basket off. seeing him sitting on my front yard with fh was tough. when he sat downhe saw me doing yard work and gave me a friendly little wave. you know the "what's happenin dude wave". i just kind of ignored it. he told fh that he thought i gave him a funny look when he waved. i quess i could have gone over and given him a good firm hand shake. you know the kind with 2 hands firmly on his throat and shake rapidly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

if your daughter is the same kind of 2 yr old as my granddaughter i can see why your ow doesn't want her overnight. hell if grace turns out to be like her niece then maybe fh and me will just want her to spend every other weekend here. her visits may turn out to be a blessing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks for your input, pops

Thanks for explaining, I just try and stay on topp of every thing. I do see all your points. Remember when I first came here ? My husband wanted only me to deal with om, he would not go as a united front. But we have turned all that around, and now always show a united front.

Keep looking at the bright side, my hubby spends several hours every week with om doing business and most think they are buddies from way back.. Of course they did know each other, but never buddies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> SO a hand wave in the yard for graces sake eventually is not such a bad thing and in time will be nothing to you.
I think every wed. is not a bad idea, and then later every wed. and every other sat for a few hours. I know the need to have a schedule so your lives are not turned upside down..

Hope your feeling better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

just alittle input, my h sees oc, at first every wednesday for 3 hours and everyother saturday for 8 hours,oc was 14months at the time. now wednesdays are the same but everyother weekend is from 6pm on friday to 3pm on saturday, overnight stays are really great, in about a month and a half every other weekend will be 6pm friday to 3pm on sunday. ow not too happy but it's a must thru court, she doesn't like the oc to be around me, plus oc calls me mom sometimes in front of ow. oc has adjusted pretty good,oc is happy, eats and sleeps really well in our home, and always has a great time. oc knows when it's time to go home,oc sometimes not to happy about that, gets cranky.
i believe with a very set schedule,thing become very normal for oc. and time is very joyful for all. so really put your foot down on regular visit.

mo5,,,,, how anyone can stay on top of all the stories here is beyond my comprehension. i do remember your h's attitude when you came here. it must give you a real feeling of satisfaction now knowing that he is by your side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ( please note that satisfaction is meant in a positive way not sarcasticly).

for me it has to do with om's attitude. he told fh that i should not dislike him as it was me that insisted on her persueing cs. huh?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> he upsets my marriage and family in persuit of his ego, creates a child from his lack of concern for health issues or pregnancy while satisfying that ego, and it's my fault that he has to take financial responsibility for his actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> i don't follow that thought patern at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

d____,d----,,,,,, thanks for your input. i would like to know at what age your oc started staying over on friday nights and how old is he/she now?

i agree that there has to be some structure to visitation or grace will never be able to get used to anything. this om calling whenever he feels like it is doing her no good. pops

pops,how are all ofyour children accepting Grace? What are your children's attitude towards the A and their parents?

Have you ever discussed your pain with OM's wife, and she her's with you? Do you think that she can really love Grace?

Why not have fh have contact with OM's W only? Let the women set up visitation. This would not only make you feel more secure, but OM's W would also feel more secure.

The only other option I see, if you love Grace, adopt her, forgoing CS. This could be a good thing for family unity. When Grace is 18 yrs. old, she could make her own decision of contact or not.

I definitly agree with you that your wife should never have contact with OM.

Wishing you well.

ember

Pops

I cant stay on top of all the stories I just meant, so I understand and dont make a goof when posting. I also like to understand how all this court stuff works. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I dont have time to read all the post but yours always makes me want to read, Because I learn from all our trials and errors in this.
I actually feel amazing that my husband wants to be involved, He is a different man these days and I will be honest if I had not had our little one, I think life would not be as good as it is now.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

ember,,,, our kids love grace as if she were completely of our family. i have no idea what the younger ones think if om but the older ones think he is a jerk.

i would love to talk to om's w. i am just not sure how to initiate that. om is very controlling of his family and would never allow his w to talk to fh. he is a serial cheater and told his w that if she doesn't like it to get out. (this is hear say from fh and from what he told me the one time i talked to him shortly after d-day).

i like the every wed. and alternateing weekend ideas. that seems very reasonable. fh doesn't want to let grace leave with him anywhere. understandable.

she has decided that she doesn't even want to talk to him. yesterday she called me from work and we realized she was about 3 miles from where i was working. i thought of stopping over and taking her to a suprise brunch. but decided to keep working. when we got home she told me that om ended up at the same place and came over to her bus. he scolded her for not returning his call (1) promptly enough and that she is trying to keep him from forming a relationship with "his" d. fh replied that she is not going to jump when he says and that her and i have been trying to set up a visitation schedule. explaining that this hit and miss ruetine is not good for grace. she also told him that what are you complaining for you haven't given me squat for cs in 1-1/2 years, haven't made any effort to see her until money was involved, you only paid 1/2 of your 1st months cs, and she's been sick and you haven't even added her to you health coverage. she asked if he even had a car seat for her and he said "why should i spend money on a car seat if i don't even know how much i will be able to see her." he acussed her if being after the money and he didn't want to support her family, that it is his w that is making him see grace, and that he thought he was doing fh a favor by staying away so her marriage could heal. yeah right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . how about running so you could avoid cs? again she told him that cs was my idea and that if she wanted her marriage to have a chance it was a must. (this was not meant as an ultimatum, instead it was something i needed to be able to move on). then she told him that he was more then welcome to give me a call to discuss things. she said he gave her some kind of funny look on that one. he also told her he would get an attorney but was afraid that i would sue him for more cs. he's right.

some of fh's friends walked up while they were "discussing" things and he told her what's wrong with those people can't they see i'm talking to you. she told him that who and when she talks to anyone is her business and that he isn't controlling her anymore.

although i would have put things to him more directly i am very proud of her for not allowing him to push her around and intimidate her. she is still very nervous about this but is beginning to see that we hold all the cards now.

if's, but's, candy and nuts. what a suprise it would have been for him had i drove up to take fh for that brunch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . hindsight is 20-20. if it weren't for bad luck i wouldn't have any luck. pops

Pops,

All I can add to your update is to keep up the good work! FH is seeing how much a hassle it is to be the point of contact, and is getting it moved over to you! I also applaud her for her comment about getting visitation set up and that the spur of the moment thing not working! Kudos to you Fullhouse! I hope that things smooth out soon! Heck, maybe he'll give up visitation all together, now that he realizes that the DNA he's contributed to Grace is the ONLY thing connecting him to Fullhouse!

Keep up the good work, both of you!

Love,

Tigger

Pops, thanks for acknowlegeing my post,most of the time i feel i'm intruding into your little private club.
well anyway, oc was 18months when overnights started.it's a great joy having her here. ow says oc always has trouble sleeping at night,but with us, oc has no problem sleeping, alot of times we have wake her up, cuz we have a very short time to do things on saturday. i can't wait until we get to have oc for the whole weekend.it's wonderful to hear the laughter of the oc in our home,even my 17yo, has taken to oc really well.she
has a very busy social life(school activities and friends)but she always finds some time to spend with oc.i really wish there was a way to get oc all the time.maybe someday, dreams do come true sometimes. thanks for listening. your post are very helpful.I know i'm not the only one going thru all this.

d____,d_____,,,,,,, i personally would love to see you post here more often. in my short time on this board i have seen poosts from just about every posible side except yours. that being the om seeking contact from the ow. hanks for your input. i feel that in our circumstance grace should be able to verbalize any fears she has before she spends the night. one other question though if you don't mind. was your ow married at the time of your a?

d___,D____,,,,,, i am sorry that i mistook you for your h. we can learn a great deal about love and compassion from our children. all my children loved grace from the start even though the older ones were very upset with their mom. i think that their anger was inpart because they had no idea whether their home would be split or not. they have adjusted very well so far.

how old is your oc now? pops

My FMM and I began overnights when his D was around 9 months old. He, however, is her father - not the OM. Thus, he has rights. We have her more now. she is almost 2. In fact, I am going to get her at 5 this evening as FMM has to work.

Since at this point he legally has no rights I feel you are being fair. I also agree all contact should be on a schedule and you should serve as the go between. tew