HUBBY AND I HAD RECONCILED AND DOING GREAT....LIFE WAS FINALLY NORMALIZING. 6 WEEKS LATER I FOUND OUT I AM PREGNANT BY OM. WE KNOW THIS FOR A FACT AS MY HUSBAND HAD A VASECTOMY IN 98.

HUBBY DOESN'T THINK HE CAN DEAL WITH A DAILY REMINDER OF THE HURT AND I AM NOT ABLE TO CONSIDER ABORTION. ADOPTION OFFERS NO RELIEF EITHER.

WE DO LOVE EACHOTHER AND THIS IS KILLING US.......

ANYONE WITH ADVICE???

THANKS

I would suggest that you start counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley at Marriagebuilders (by phone---888-639-1639 for appts) immediately. They're excellent counselors/coaches and they would be able to help you come up with a plan on what to do.

Your husband is obviously shocked at this point---and my suggestion would be to do very little in terms of making big decisions for a few weeks. My wife got pregnant during her affair, but we successfully reconciled and I'm raising that child as well (our third). For me, it hasn't been that big of a deal, but I was doing intensive counseling with Steve for over half a year BEFORE that pregnancy occurred, and that definitely helped me deal with the situation.

As you read the MB concepts and Q&A sections, focus on the Policy of Joint Agreement, and Radical Honesty. These are the two tools that you (both) will need to learn in order to solve this problem (without lovebusting, of course). You may jointly choose to divorce. Or divorce but continue to live together. Or adopt the child out. There are lots of issues to deal with.

Without knowing more of your story (any kids together, does OM know about pregnancy?), I'd hesitate to give more advice. If the OM doesn't know about this, do not tell him (yet). That would be another decision that you and your husband should make together.

I am new to this board and haven't told my story yet. But like everyone's it is long and involved and just haven't been able to try to put it in short story form. But I agree with the other poster that maybe you should seek counseling asap. I was in a similar situation as you. But my H and I were still seeking out a divorce when I found out I was pregnant. Seeing that I had 3 children with my H he usually seen the signs that I was pregnant before I did. So I didn't really have to sit down and have too much of a discussion with him on that part of it. It was actually easier for my husband to make up his mind in what we should do. I think he had the same worries as your husband, if he could love this child as his own. I was having a real hard time with it because my youngest was 7 years old and I really didn't want to start all over again. Oh there were so many negative factors on why I didn't want to carry the pregnancy through. Like you I was one of those people that never believed in abortion for me...not that I was against it for others. To me it is a very personal thing. That is a whole other issue though. So we decided to go through with the pregnancy. Then to make the issue even greater I found out I was pregnant with twins! The pregnancy was the hardest on my husband for some reason. But once the babies were born he took the time to bond with them. He slept with at least one every night at the hospital. No one would be able to tell that these babies are not his biological babies (except for looks). We had problems in our marriage before I became pregnant, and we are still dealing with those issues. But as for the babies they are not a source for needing to still "work" at the marriage. If anything they are a source that has brought our family even tighter. good luck, and if you have any questions feel free to ask me. I think finding this board was a first big step for you...I wish I would have found it earlier.

We have 4 children...... a 9 yr old and 6 year old triplets. We were done having children thus we decided he would have the vasectomy.

As far as the Om knowing about the pregnancy both my husband and myself agreed that it was necessary to tell him. He welcomed the news and wants to take care of both of us which confuses things further.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He welcomed the news and wants to take care of both of us which confuses things further.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you explain what you mean by 'confuses things further'?

He says he has never stopped loving me and wants to spend the rest of his loving me and our child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myowndoings:
He says he has never stopped loving me and wants to spend the rest of his loving me and our child.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about you? What do you want?

Myowndoings~ WOW triplets! Okay I feel like I struggle with giving the twins everything I gave when I had one infant at a time. Not to mention other issues like they are awful sleepers! I know this is off your topic but if you have advice that you have learned with multiples I would love to email you and learn any tricks you have..my email is Littlewitty5@aol.com.

As for your situation. You need to do a lot of soul searching on what you want and need. It is great that the OM is wanting this baby...but wanting YOU will further complicate everything. If you decide you want to stay with your husband...and he agrees to raise this baby with love as if it was his own then you owe it to your husband to be completely faithful to him emotionally and physically. If you can't do that then you probably should leave your H. He deserves your honesty and shouldn't have to guess where your intentions are with OM. I include my H on what he is comfortable with when it comes to the OM. I offer that he comes along when I bring the twins to see the OM. The OM in my case lives like 4 hours away so we meet. I only drive like an hour though because the twins are not good on car rides. I think my H deals very well with it because I am so open and will listen to what would make him uncomfortable. I feel he has every right in his feelings and I try to do what I can to balance my H and the OM needs. Once you know firmly what you want things just start falling in place while working at it. That is on good thing about pregnancy, you have a few months to work things out.

My own doings,

I'm not here to judge you but when I read your post,I realized your a gambler, after all you took a gamble by cheating,hoping not to get caught,you gambled by not using protection, what about pregnancy? STD's? So now you have a choice to gamble again on the after affects of the first two gambles, which to me resulted in major lost.Gamble being just to keep the baby and hope to god (Gamble) that your husband will forgive and accept this baby! Let me ask you why when you and husband decided not to have any more children do you think you have the right to have another man's baby? Just to keep other man in your life? If it is still early enough why not abort? It obviously can't be for morals reason,after all you are the cheater. When you have a few minutes to really sit down and think what advice would you tell your best friend or younger sister? Honestly now, and maybe that should be your answer, think outside the circle. How would you feel if husband had affair and resulted in Other child, would you want that child in your life, let alone in you face everyday other woman living next door, would you want to see her everyday pregnant with your husbands child after you decided not to have any more.It is alot for someone to swallow everyday!I'm not trying to sugar coat this but sometimes we need the hard reality to really understand it all.Don't be mad at me, for my honestly about how I feel but do some real soul searching you may just find your answer but don't be surprized if it's not what you expected
Jill

I'm not trying to sugar coat this....no it didn't sound like you were trying to sugar coat it at all.

If it is still early enough why not abort? It obviously can't be for morals reason,after all you are the cheater.

Jaggerslady,
I know you are angry but I think you were way out of line here. I have a lot of anger too but myowndoings is here to get help and trying to tell her that since she is a cheater she should just have an abortion?!?!?! Well 2 wrongs do NOT make a right- I thought I would want my ex-WHs OW to have an abortion, but then it didn't cross my mind anymore because that just adds more pain. I am sorry for your pain but please be careful what you suggest. I do still think that knowing my ex-WH's state of mind, and knowing that OW turned over full custody to her ex for their child- that the best thing for OC's well being would be to be adopted by a family who REALLY loves HER and is capable of caring for her. Anyways, I am rambling now.

Remember we are all here for either the same reason or very simpliar reason. I was trying to make a harsh but what I feel honest reply.I just wanted her to look at things from someone elses view point. Harsh reality, (a tough love kind of thing).As for the morals issue I didn't mean bcz she was the cheater she should abort but if morals didn't get in the way of cheating, then don't tell me you can't abort bcz you don't believe in it, or it is not the right thing, or religous reasons etc. After all she never stated why she couldn't abort? She has every right here and I hope she finds and answer to her problems but facts are facts.I also don't understand why a woman would have a MM's baby either, it just isn't right!!!! Everyone has given me some good advice some I liked some I didn't so I hope she gets some advice to think about too! Didn't mean to hurt anyone feelings.
Jill

Jaggerslady,

>but if morals didn't get in the way of cheating, then don't tell me you can't abort bcz you don't believe in it,

No offense intended, but I suspect that that is where some people would see a jump in logic that might not always be true. For example, there are many people out there who've lied in the past (about anything), or cheated on tests, or swiped something they shouldn't have, or taken the Lord's name in vain, etc., but who would not have an affair because they would see the affair as "too far/more extreme" on their scale of ethics. Likewise, some people (**depending on their view of abortion**, eg. if they view it as the taking of an innocent human life), some of whom may even have had an affair, might see abortion as "too far/more extreme". In other words, some people can live with themselves if they've sworn, but not if they'd lie. Some people can live with themselves if they'd lie, but not if they'd have an affair. And some people can live with themselves if they've had an affair, but not if they think they've taken the life of an innocent child (again, this depends on their own personal view of abortion ... and everyone is entitled to the dignity of having and respecting their own personal view on abortion).

Different people have different views of abortion, and different cutoff points as to what they can stomach and what they can't along the full spectrum of "sin." And that whole spectrum of sin (from using the Lord's name in vain to affairs to abortion to pre-meditated murder) all falls under the larger umbrella of Christianity. (Otherwise, anyone who's ever sworn couldn't be a Christian either. It all pretty much boils down to between each person and their maker.)

Gosh I hope that makes sense. :-/

chud/friendofk (k=a personal friend, not the "K" here)

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

Good point about if "morals" didn't stop us from cheating, why would abortion suddenly be a big moral issue?

Well, I think that because when you realize the seriousness of what the affair resulted in--physical consequences of creating another human life--it yanks the slack out of your loose chain.

I mean, it's one thing to sin and reap your own personal consequences, but when an OC is in the situation, suddenly all the other innocent lives that also have been affected by your one selfish act come to the light, such as the BS and their children.

OCs are definitely a wake-up call. We can't deny that much!

I guess what stops you at the fork in the road is just thinking WOW, what have I done and what will I do now? DUH! A question that never came up before. In a way, it's a good thing--to start THINKING--helloooo! and using that brain, but OTOH, it's too late. The damage is done.

So you're just kind of standing there saying "now what!" You pray for the best possible outcome and you just have to make a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

I guess it stopped me in my tracks of self-destruction and got me to think: think of my future, the OCs future, the married couple's future and everything that was of no concern before.

OCs are that big slap in the face that we need so we can (hopefully) snap out of it.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 03:52 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

friendofk and Binthere: I think you both made some very good points. Abortion can be such an easy out...but that doesn't make it right. I wonder how many people just get an abortion and carry on with the A. I don't know about most families but an Affair is REALLY looked down upon in mine. I thought my mom was going to disown me. She literally said how could a daughter of mine do something like this. Not to mention all of our friends...and co-workers and neighbors. We were pretty open to the fact that H had a vasectomy. So going through with the pregnancy was 101 times harder and really had to face up to my wrong doings face to face with a lot of people!

Hi 4tori&nate,
Facing up to what you did is a good thing. You can hold your head up, even tho loved ones are disappointed and you feel they might be looking down on you.

Sweeping the problem underneath the rug doesn't solve anything. I have had 2 pregnancies out of wedlock. The first one I aborted and the second one (OC) I just couldn't have another abortion so I raised the OC alone with NC. I guess I was determined to learn life's lessons the hard way. Oh well, we all have different paths but however we can get to having peace inside of our own heads--not in somebody else's head--then I say go for it!

You can be honest with your kids and I think they will love you for it in the long run. My OC did and still does. We are very close! He will be 21 this year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

myowndoings--are you okay? Anything new?

BTDT~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I think that because when you realize the seriousness of what the affair resulted in--physical consequences of creating another human life--it yanks the slack out of your loose chain.

I mean, it's one thing to sin and reap your own personal consequences, but when an OC is in the situation, suddenly all the other innocent lives that also have been affected by your one selfish act come to the light, such as the BS and their children.

OCs are definitely a wake-up call. We can't deny that much!

I guess what stops you at the fork in the road is just thinking WOW, what have I done and what will I do now? DUH! A question that never came up before. In a way, it's a good thing--to start THINKING--helloooo! and using that brain, but OTOH, it's too late. The damage is done.

So you're just kind of standing there saying "now what!" You pray for the best possible outcome and you just have to make a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

I guess it stopped me in my tracks of self-destruction and got me to think: think of my future, the OCs future </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of these thoughts that you so aptly described are exactly what went through my mind as soon as the 2nd pink line appeared. It was that quickly, as if I'd awoken from a deep slumber. I only wish I would've stopped my self-indulgent, destructive behavior sooner, and not because of getting pregnant. That is what it took though, and that is one of the reasons I consider my OC not only a life changing, life long consequence of my A, but also a major blessing. I have even discussed that point with my husband, and I think it is partly the cause of him finding it relatively easy to accept the baby as his own.

4T&NS~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder how many people just get an abortion and carry on with the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very good question, and one that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I would not have gotten an abortion just so I could go back to the OM. I don't think I could've aborted for any reason. However, what if I had, (and at the first sign of trouble in my M), would I have gone running back to the OM? I don't think I would've, but abortion is not the path I chose, so I don't fully know the answer to that.

~aut

Quick note

Sorry I haven't replied to any of the posts for so long...life has taken some very crazy turns for me BUT I THINK IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW!!!

Currently 25 wks preg due 12-24-03! ITS A BOY!

HUbby and I are together. We take every day one minute at a time but never forget the love for eachother that has brought us to this point. ALL communication with OM is strictly in hubby's presence and ONLY concerning the child.

OM wants to be a father, wants to be involved, wants to support child just trying to figure out how this is all gonna play out when baby gets here and how to support and reassure hubby!!

THANKS ALL!