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#821551 06/26/03 09:41 AM
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I am hosting a couple in my home that has suffered the damage of infidelity. H got a younger girl pregnant. W has been in treatment to help with infertility for the past 5 years.

Apart from the obvious devistation of the A, she is copig with her H, having a child with OW, the dream that she always had.

She is trying to do the right thing, but the pain is so intense. She says that she wishes the baby would die. Due date Aug.
She has told H that he is not to have contact with the child at all. The baby is not to have his name on the birth certf.

Everything is still so fresh and raw, They are going to a counselor had one session, so far to go.
I want to be an encouragement to them, yet I feel at such a loss.
What can I do?

#821552 06/26/03 10:24 AM
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Dear Anchor,

Well, I know of a couple here who have dealt with the problems of infertility/A/OC, and hope they will be along soon! Have you directed them to this board? They will get some great support, and advice from many who have been in their shoes(just maybe a slightly different style or color).

One thing that kinda jumped out at me was the fact that the BW doesn't want her H's name on the birth cert. In some states, when paternity is determined, they automatically put the "father"'s name on, whether it's wanted there or not. Check on the states laws concerning that.

They really need to start working on the foundation of their M by using the principles here! Things like POJA, Plan A/B, the questionares about EN, LBing, I could go on and on! They could use it in conjunction w/their counseling right now!

Hope this helped, and please, see if they would be willing to at least read the principles from this site!

Tigger

#821553 06/26/03 11:29 PM
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Hi,
There's probably nothing you can really do except for just be a good listener and basically just mind your own business. Be a friend and be as supportive as you can regarding their recovery.

Dr.Harley has some good suggestions in the Basic Concepts of this website on how to keep the love bank deposits up to guard against affairs.

Maybe point them to this website or the book, "Surviving An Affair."

I think it is kind of you to have them over for a visit. They probably need to do something pleasurable to get their minds off their troubles. Plan something really fun! There is a forum on this site for planning fun recreational activities... Check it out!

#821554 06/26/03 01:35 PM
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anchorhugger,

I am one of those that Tigger referred to when she said there are some here that have had to deal with infertility and infidelity.

My H and I have been married for nearly 10 yrs. We have dealt with my inability to conceive/inability to maintain a pregnancy for nearly that entire time.
My H had the affair after I miscarried our first confirmed pregnancy. He used my depression to justify the affair...
My 2nd miscarriage actually jolted him back to reality, though it probably happened as a result of my learning of the A/coming OC.

During the time that I was dealing with the discovery of the A, my friends and family were very supportive. Not one of them, excluding my sister <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , ever thought to tell me what I SHOULD do... it was always a comforting and supportive atmosphere.

There have been many feelings that I have dealt with in regards to the A/OC... many I have resolved. We have contact with Lil Bit, and she is a doll... But there are some that cannot handle any kind of contact.. and your friend may be one of those...

I agree with BTDT, just be supportive.
Don't bring up the issue.. allow them the freedom to do that if they feel led to do so. Should they bring it up, or if they already have, definitely let them know about this site and the principles found here. Also, you can do a search for one my orginal posts, "a little background..." it has a lot of the first feelings that I went through.

Your "anchor" will continue to hold you and will lead you in the direction best suited for this issue. He alone knows the outcome already... He alone is able to bring total healing to those affected by this painful subject.
I pray your friends already know this anchor and are able to place their faith in that anchor.
Having faith in that Anchor kept me afloat... and has given me my hearts desire... a child of my own.

hugs to you anchor...
Stacia

#821555 06/26/03 02:04 PM
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The best advice I can give you is to be there for support and encourage them to continue counseling. I would agree with some of the other responses that it may be out of the BW hands in terms of the H name on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, it is his child and he will have to take responsibility for that child.
I can relate to the feelings though that the BW is having.....however, if she wants to save her marriage she must start the recovery process and find a way to deal with the betrayal.
Hope this helps and lots of luck!

#821556 06/26/03 03:33 PM
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Thanks so much for your input... I waited anxiously for your replies... You are my only people that I can talk to about this.

The couple is living with us, since he lost his job because of the A. We are trying to help them get through this and be stronger.
I have printed off the EN questionnaire and gave them the His Needs Her Needs book to read...

I know that they have to work hard in the next two months to be ready to face the birth of a child that she longed to have and does not.

You might want to read other threads of mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am kind of going through things with them... yet it is not the same.

As I have posted before.... it is prayer, prayer prayer that will make the difference.
As you read this let's do a little!!


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