cd,,,,,, what a major disappointment for your boys. to start one of a kids favorite holidays out that way. not that it heals the hurt or pain but what a great save by your new friend. my pyromaniac kids would be green with envy if they knew someone that was able to get up cose to the main event on the 4th. from your discription you may want to size this one up carefully before throwing him back. he may just be a keeper.

although i wouldn't jump to conclusions of a total abandonment of his kids your ex should have at least been honest with the boys. he may not owe you any explanations for where he plans on spending his time but to outright lie to his sons is unexcuseable. a quess i will never understand how he could be seeing them every weekend and then just disappear like that.

cm,,,,,, in regards to the walking out on your child arguement. we can all agree that male or FEMALE any one walking out on a c is pretty small. i think there are some exceptions however. and GOD told Abraham to send his son out into the desert and he would provide for him. one is in cases such as we are dealing with here. 2 married couples, each with a ws. child results. what is so dishonerable if a bio dad says i will meet my financial responsibilities but if your the mom and her h are willing to raise the oc and not put oc thru any of the crap that comes from these situations? what of the bio mpom that relizes she can't provide for her c and arranges for the om and his w or places oc up for adoption so oc can have a better life then mom can provide? or what of the cases such as tigger4jdt whose om was violent and threatening to do harm to her h. my dd has a c out of wedlock whose father has never seen her. he was very abusive. both verbally and constantly threatening physical abuse. with her and with fh and myself. she has since married another man who turned out to be a kind and loving father to my little buttercup (granddaughter). these 2 little girls will most likely benefit from never knowing their bio dads. the way a child views things is usually indicative of the way they were raised. provide your single bio parent child with love, compassion and understanding and they don't always have to view life thru the negative eyes of a resentful adult.

if we try to respond to each others posts with regard to what that poster is concerned with in their personal life and not generalize in these situations we may be able to be responsible and keep this a friendly place. that way we can help all who come here looking for support or seeking a place to vent their frustrations.

cd i hope your sons and you can find some peace, pops

pops,

I don't disagree that there are situations where a child is better in a sense for no contact with their biological parent. No question that this is true.However, abandoment issues surface for the child. Even when the bio parent is an outright slug.

I'm not really debating that issue though. What I'm saying is a blanket, sweeping statement about child abandoners. I believe that people who turn their backs on their children whether physically, emotionally or fincanically are as I said, of seriously questionable character and interity. They act for themselves and often under the disquise of whats best for everyone else.

The most important thing in the whole situation, as I see it, is to make sure that the message is put out there to the children over and over again that "This isn't about you, anything wrong with you, anything you did wrong. Its about problems that mom/dad is having that only they can work out. Sometimes they will work the problems out and sometimes they will run from them." I worked in foster care with abused and neglected children. If one is very critical of the parent(s), the child will often internalize it as being about them. Afterall, that parent is a part of who they are. Also, if the child thinks it may have something to do with them, they also may think that they can do something to change it. Regardless of whether we are talking about OC or children of the marriage, abandonment is abandonment. Every child deserves to be told, reminded, reassured that it's not about something wrong with them... please.

CD.

I just saw your post.

I am so sorry for the lousy thing your ex has done.To not have the decency to tell the boys he was moving is way out of line. How he can justify this, I do not know. I do know, however, that you are a strong woman who has met more adversity than this, and you are fortunate to have a wonderful man in your life who seems to want to parent those sons of yours. Good for you,a nd good for them. One day they will really appreciate you for what you have done for them.

Please write me privately when you can. I am thinking of you.

CD

Just when I didn't think he couldn't do or say anything more horrible than he already has (like the collusion with the minister), he certainly has a talent for topping himself.

I know it sounds hollow to say that the boys are better off without his influence but while that may be true, right now the boys only know that their Dad has left without saying good by.

When I was 6 my Dad left me, too. He took off to England and stayed there for years. I would receive an occasional letter but I would cry and pine for him to be with me. But after a year, I began to see how calm things were in my home with my Mom. Life felt normal, life felt good. Mom remarried and the guy she married was kind to me, friendly and fair. He didn't blow up and scream like my Dad did. He didn't leave me sitting on the steps for hours waiting for him like my Dad did. When he said he would be there, he was. Holidays were fun again. He didn't hit me or call me or my Mom names. It was nice. Real nice.

All grown up now I realize that those years without Dad around were the happiest of my life. I came to not even miss him and when I was an adult, I dreaded seeing him. It was a pain to disrupt my life to have to spend time with him. I didn't like him ... my true loyalties were for my kind and loving Step-Dad who accepted me and showed me care and understanding.

I admit I did have some issues growing up. I was wild and had problems with the nuns at school. I chose the wrong boyfriends half the time, but I always looked for guys like my Step-Dad. My Step-Dad was there when I ran away and the feds brought me home from Idaho when I was 17, waiting for me with his arms outstretched and love in his eyes. I remember thinking if it had been my Dad waiting there, the homecoming would surely be different... and volitile. I decided right then and there never to do anything again to disappoint my Step-Dad. I wanted him to love me and be proud of me and as glad to be in my life as I was to be in his.

I married Bipolar because he had many of my Step-Dad's qualities. But, despite the abandonment and the sadness I experienced early on, even as young as 8 or 9, I recognized my life was better without Dad and that sometimes an abusive parent is over-rated in the arena of what other people think you need. The only thing I missed not having Dad around was abusive screaming, embarrassing ranting and public humiliation, holiday dinners ruined with displays of temperment and selfishness and immaturity.

I thank God for my beloved Step-Dad and am so grateful for him and all he so generously gave to me all my life.

Love you

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

CD,I am so sorry to hear about your ex-H'sbehavior. AFter all you did to try to preserve your marriage and then later what you went thru while pregnant, for him to pull a stunt like this.
Sounds like you may have someone in your life who is a major improvement. HOpe so because you deserve someone nice.
I am appalled at the attack you have been subjected to here, a place where you are supposed to be safe from verbal assaults. I hope the positive posts have outweighed the negative ones.
Just take the negative ones and consider the source and move on. Response is not necessary, you deserve better.
Your presence has been missed for its positive assistance to others. Everyone who has been here awhile knows how much you have done to help those going thru this untenable situation.
I hope you find happiness. I hope your boys can see past your ex's actions. Maybe there is a rational explanation for his actions. But you and they will get thru this and be stronger for it. Maybe the new individual in your life will prove to be a keeper. I send you (((())))'s
share them with your boys.

Catnip, missed your presence here also. Glad to see you weigh in on this. Are things well with you?

Peace and love to you all. I have been lurking and posting a little. My son is in Iraq, 4th ID and am more focused on new s about that situation.

Take care.
To all others who are suffering through an A and potential OC situation, do what works best for YOU. In a perfect world we wouldn't have to deal with this. We all know we are not perfect so we have to cope in ways that work for us the individual person and the individual marriage.

Texasgirl

cd, your post made me cry!! It sounds like you have a great boyfriend. How are your boys doing?