I have a question that I was wondering if anyone could shed some light. My situation is as follows. My wife and I seperated and I had a relationship with someone from work. I ended it and tried to pursue my wife realizing that she was the only woman I wanted. She wasn't ure at first, but a few weeks later she let me in emotionally and we decided to goto counseling. A few days later I found out that OW was pregnant. My wife has known about all for about a month now and we are still talking and going to counseling. We have admitted to each other that we love each other. My wife though doesn't want to commit to repairing the marriage and moving on because of the situation with OC. My question is, how long did it take for you to decide to make things work with the marriage and what factored into that decision? Please help.

Before I answer can I ask you a question? What is/will be your situation with the OC...has the baby been born yet? What will be your involvement with the child? I ask this b/c although I didn't realize it at first ( and my H was the one that did) his answer to this made a large impact on my willingness to commit...
NGU

right now I feel that alls I can be is financially responsible. It sounds harsh, but I believe that no contact is the way to go. I am sure this will outrage many, but for me I can't be apart of this. I will be responsible as far as child support, but that is all I can invision.

Read my signature line...I assure you I understand. I will post to you tonight as my kids are needing me right now.
NGU

Hi there...sorry not to have gotten back to you last night. I really should stop promising that b/c lately I cannot keep my eyes open. I like to post at night b/c all kids are in bed and I can think better. If my 2 year old lets me pound this out right now I will be real lucky!

I very brief history. I found out my H had a 4 month affair with a co-worker, who got pg. Three months after he ended the affair he found out of her pregnancy and then a month later I got pg (yes planned, still can't figure that one out). I found out when her child was 2 and I was 5 months pregnant. I had no clue, she sent the paternity and court papers to my house. The s*#t hit the fan the minute he walked thru the door.

You know, I think I committed to our marriage quite early and prematurely. The day I found out my H expected me to hold true to my feelings and kick him out. I had always said if he ever cheated...you know the drill. Much to my surprise I told him he needed to stay. We had two kids and one on the way. That day I asked him his intentions toward the child and he said he didn't know yet. I think I was still in complete shock b/c I remember saying to him if he ever found out the child was neglected we could take him in. I think my H knew me better, and that is why I say I was premature in my decision making. Sometimes I wish I had kicked him out but as he said to me if I did we wouldn't have made it. I agree with him b/c I feel that we wouldn't have worked as hard as we did from the get go.

I really don't post exactly how we got to HIS decision to have no contact. I am not naive in that I know I influenced him in some way, but I addamently told him that the decision was his and that I will not be told in 20 years that *I* kept him from the child or that he did it for me. I refrained from giving him my opinion, but at one point he wanted to know what I felt. I told him, but I will not post what I said to him publicly b/c I don't want my feelings to be the center of the words that sometimes fly on this board. Suffice it to say that he made his decision on his own. We have talked about it since and he has said he has no emotional connection to this baby. He has remained financially responsible, and she has contacted us regarding the possibilty of her and her current H adopting. My H will not contest it at all.

So in answer to your original question (I am exteremely longwinded!) is that my decision to commit to saving my marriage is an ongoing one. I know at any point I can leave and so can he. The fact that he feels so detatched from the child (although I will admit is hard for me to understand at times) does keep the focus on us. In knowing that his priority is our family and marriage, and he has proven that more that I can count, it allows me to keep my eyes on the future. There have been times that both of us have individually felt that we were not going to make it. And if we do not, it will not be b/c of the affair and OC. It will be b/c of the fact that the problems we have always had are unresolvable. I am not saying that I am over the affair or that the affair was good in that it was a wake up call. He would have gotten my attention from walking out the door. He made a stupid move, that cost us all dearly, but I know in my heart he is sorry.

So if she is going to therapy and talking, then she is as committed as she can be at this point. There was a 8 week period, I think 5 weeks after d-day in which I completely shut down, wouldn't talk, respond to him. I was just plain angry. He let me go thru it and I finally began talking again.

Keep your chin up and continue to nurse her wounds. It seems like you have made your decision to commit and that is good. Be consistent in showing her that you are there for her. One more thing and then I have to tend to the 2 year old!!!!! is that my H said to me right from the get go..."I am here to work this out, and if divorce is going to happen it will up to you." (meaning my decision). I couldn't have that on my head. I was never one to walk away with out trying, and I knew my kids deserved the chance to have an intact family.

I have to go now I will check in later as I am doing housework today and will take breaks. I hope some of this helped. If your wife is open to wanting someone to talk to let me know, we can exchange e-mails, just wanted to offer.

Good luck, NGU

FOFatty: I always hesitate to answer these posts as I am still a relative newbie. Not in the shock stage anymore, sometimes angry (but wouldn't consider myself in that stage anymore), but not in total acceptance (as it feels like I am living some sort of awful nightmare).

When I first read your posting the thing that jumped out at me most was that you were separated from your wife at the time you met ow...well, in my book that is just a bit different than an affair. Maybe others would disagree.

My d-day was about 9 months ago and the possible oc at this point is 2 1/2 years old. we have no final outcome yet.

But....your question is about marriage and staying married.... When d-day happened my H was more than willing to do whatever to keep this marriage as he also thought (as NGU's husband probably thought) that I would leave. He came home that night with his tail between his legs. At that time directly after d-day and a month or so after that he went to mc with me - we did the discovery weekend as per Zebrababy - we had our honeymoon phase, etc.

I thought life was to return and our marriage would grow stronger. (You will hear that often on MB that the marriages grow stronger).

What I have learned through this is that one person cannot save a marriage destroyed by an affair. One person can certainly implement all they've learned but the other person must also learn about themselves, they must do their own soul searching, find out for themselves why the affair happened, they must find and ask for forgiveness for themselves and they must do the necessary work in the marriage as well.

In your post you stated that your wife is not sure she can recommit and move forward in the relationship due to the oc. I suppose my question for you is it because of oc or is it because she knew there were problems in the beginning (which created the separation) and now the ow and oc just add to that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how long did it take for you to decide to make things work with the marriage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some people know right from the beginning that they are going to 'fight' for their marriage. I was not so sure - I was too angry at his affair - I was too hurt. So, what I decided was to work on ME. I am the only one I can help. I continue to go to ic, church, a co-dependent group and work with people on this board.

Will my marriage make it? I do not know. Would I like it to....sure! Would I like the marriage I have now for the rest of my life? NO, absolutely NOT.

Fofatty...all I can recommend to you is for you to work on you. Continue in MC but you must work on yourself so that no matter what happens you can be happy with just you.

Good luck to you.

i want to thank you guys for writing about your thoughts. My wife and I had a rocky relationship before separation, but since I told her of this situation we have talked more and formed a strong friendship. It seems as if we are actually willing to communicate with each other. We share many laughs and smiles together. My wife told me that she is committed to going to the marriage counselor to see if we can work this out. SO far so good. we are still talking and having quality time together. Thanks again for your input.