Hi Everyone,

This is my first post on my diabolical situation. Quick summary first.
We both "married for life", both very strong on this. Pursued our dream: Place in the country, large family, lifestyle etc. Had six kids, moved onto a small rural property in a relocated house ( doing it on the cheap ). Had two more kids, last of which was a bonus ( unplanned ), but she really IS a bonus.
Went through a bad patch with high work committments etc and breastfeeding baby, lack of sleep etc, you know the drill.
WW confided in OM (Well off, selfish(surprised ? ), single, man, non-working because he doesn't need to ).
The rest is tragedy. WW told me of A 3wks after it started, said life was too hard, and she was leaving for good. ( Our baby was 1yr old ). Left on d-day Oct 2000. About a month later she got P.
Turned our world completely into confusion.

At this point I don't know if I did the right thing ( still don't know ). Only just found THIS site 2 weeks ago but had no one to talk to who has been there ( as far as A or OC goes ).

Somehow I think the "rules" may be a little different for a large family situation but would like to talk about this. Pop's I've seen your posts and you have a big family too so we might be able to talk about this.

Anyway, I decided 1) WW needs a break. Life is tough. Set her up in a flat for 3 months and take leave. 2) Continue to see her, even though OM sleeping with her, so once a week spent an evening trying to patch up M.( usually arguing ). My idea being that separation won't solve anything... also know how rejected she has been in the past, how bad this was for her. Figured that if I was not there for her, she might well not make it out of this mess.

I said, adopt OC out, OM should not be at the birth ( theif !). WW disagreed, would do neither.

We ( WW & I ) always worked closely together through birth of our kids... very special times. Through circumstances, I ended up driving her to the Hosp. ( much to OM's disgust ), prayed with her and left my darling to go through this ultimate intimacy with this underserving destroyer of lives. It turned out that our midwife said he was the most useless male she had ever seen at supporting a woman through labour and childbirth. Wife called me in fearful voice, said that there was feotal distress and she would need a caeser. ( All of out kids were naturals, she has been FANTASTIC ). She was all gowned up and ready to go to theater. I pleaded with God and He saved her. Miraculously she "got going" and Sam was born healthy and well ( no Caeser ).

She was an emotional mess ( so was I ) for a long time. The father wanted LOTS of involvement with the child so saw him daily. I got back to work, 8 kids are not cheap. WW would not come back, OM threatened to take OC if she came back to me. Also I'm a bit low on the learning curve in some areas and she said I "hadn't changed". But not very specific on what to change. Very painful, frustrating time. I had no idea what to do... was I "enabling" this affair by treating her kindly. ( e.g. I took the kids to see their new half brother, gave her some flowers ( wrestled with that decision )). But I figured that she'd be a head case soon if I wasn't there for her. Friends and family we're outraged at this shame and scandal. Lots of judgement - a lot of it from me too unfortunately.

I tried a Plan A but did it really poorly because I didn't have the strategy worked out. I figured a Plan B would hurt the kids too much and it's not their fault. ( I was doing most of the care for them but WW was also doing a lot ).

Fast forward to now: Two and a half years since d-day. WW can see a lot more through this selfish jerk (OM by the way) and has been let down, disrespected by him, but she seems to have some sense of loyalty to him. Doesn't think that NC is practical, feasible, fair since he lives 2 miles away. WW looks negatively at our lifestyle choices and feels I have caused her to lack opportunities. This may sound harsh, but it comes with the territory. Time to live it up when the kids have flown the nest. I feel I did my best for her within our means. Was her decision too.

I still love her, but she has changed a lot. Maybe I'm in love with the girl I married and she isn't there anymore.

To me, marriage is a covenant, not to be broken. I don't want a divorce but there is a lack of respect ( from WW & teenage kids ) that is hard to handle. One child age 16 lives with my W and has sided with her.

I have regarded the kids welfare as tops... perhaps this is not right... perhaps the survival of the M is tops. This is what I used to think but counsellors all said kids welfare is the most important thing. Anyway, I took counsellors advise and kids love me and I love them much... they know it and people say they are real good kids ( especially considering what they have been through ).

So now it's crunch time again. WW says she want's her half of the estate. She's been a great friend, wife, soulmate, mother, lover for so long she's worth every cent of it ( and I told her so, no dispute here.) But it's what splitting assets would mean for our kids. First a one way trip back into town, then living with one parent most of the time. They see us both every day now and I think it's good for them.

WW and some counsellors have said that I must allow OM into my home to talk OC issues with my wife. I say, no way, OM must deal with me or at least US. This may be the issue that will force the division of all we've worked for in the last 16 yrs. Comments ?

Can't get away from this OM. He says "doesn't matter where you move to I'll be your neighbour". One man (OM) travels a lot more easily than my whole family. (10 or 11 people ).

Also, I'd be prepared to make a go of our M again if we could get rid of this ongoing contact... any ideas ?

Is this affair deal such a strong addiction that no contact is the only option ? Anyone been there ? OC needs his Dad, no doubt, but not my wife.

With this much water under the bridge, is a Plan A, Plan B option still on the cards ?

As Elton John Sings "What've I got to do to make you love me ?". Yeah I know, you can't *make* someone love you. But we were soulmates, now we're aquaintances with broken hearts... and we can easily break 9 other little hearts by bad choices. To me, it's worth taking a lot of crap to see 8,9? kids get a fair go in life.

Any thoughts ?