I'm sorry - I didn't want to get involved with all that was going on in the other thread. But I did want to answer your questions. Sorry it took so long, I had some things come up that took precedence.
I'm going to try and condense...
But once there is a child involved they become without a doubt the most critical, judgemental, closed minded group of women I have ever seen. ( and they talk about us )
JM: But see - you're grouping everyone together and that's not fair. Yes, a woman is going to be critical, judgemental, close minded, etc. - this is her BABY that you're talking about. Being rejected from it's father. No matter how it adds up - that hurts. Some of the pregnancies were planned, and as soon as the little blue + sign showed up, MM/xMM was gone. And I think that different stages have different views. I'm 7 years past all that. I'm VERY open minded, and often get myself into trouble for it on "my" board. I don't agree with some of the people, but others I DO agree with. I have taken a giant step backwards and looked at the whole situation with wide open eyes. Some wounds there are still very fresh, though, and like BW's that lash out at OW - the OW lashes out at BW. It's like a vicious cat fight sometimes, and it gets ugly. There are some that believe (a lot going on what MM/xMM has SAID) that if it weren't for BW, they would be involved with their child. THEY (MM/xMM) blame it on their wives. The problem here is that the one person who SHOULD take all the blame doesn't. It's very rare that a MM will take full responsibility for his actions. Most will find anyone to blame other than themselves.
Not once have I EVER seen one of them post ANY type of compassion for the emotional distress that their child has cost BS, not once have I ever seen any type of compassion for MM that he is truly in a no win situation. NOTHING !!
JM: I feel bad for xMM - TO A POINT. He put himself in the situation where he was cheating on his wife. Do I feel bad for MY part in it all? Absolutely. I've apologized to his W for my part, and am debating sending her another letter of apology, but hesitant because I don't want to open any wounds for her. I feel horrible for my part in it all, but I've forgiven myself. I feel really nothing at this point but pity for a woman that stays in a marriage with a serial cheater, 2 OC's with 2 OW - and I don't think that she even knows the extent of his actual cheating.
If a person does not agree with them 100% or behave EXACTLY the way they want them to then the BS becomes a heartless ***** and the MM becomes a SOB.
JM: Well in some cases the BS IS a heartless *** and the MM IS an SOB. Not all though. And sometimes it seems that it's the same way here, the OW is a whore, and xMM nothing short of sainthood that was all but raped. BUT... seeing as how it's very rare that an OW & BW are posting on the same boards, or reading the same boards - we only hear one side of the story.
Unfortunaty human behavior being what it is, some of us are less than perfect and need time to come to terms with the INCREDIBLE PAIN that the affair has caused. We are sorry that we cannot adjust to the pain of betrayal and come to love the oc in the same day.
JM: Well I think that it's unreasonable to expect a BW to welcome an OW or OC with open arms. Her whole world has been ripped apart, basically - and she's got to deal with THAT before she deals with any sort of visitation - if that even works for them. That opens a whole new can of worms. Not a lot of people want to announce it that their spouse cheated and on top of that... whoops! Here's junior - proof of the cheating for the whole world to see. Isn't he/she adorable? I think that it takes a very strong and confident woman (on BOTH sides) to handle visitation. I commend those that do it, and understand those that don't. Some OW truly ARE psycho - from reading some of the stories here. But some BW ARE psycho too, and it would be hard to hand a baby over to someone that wished it dead.
All the ow with children call the BS a ***** because we cannot put the needs of oc first.
JM: I don't think that's what is expected. I think that all some people are looking for is a little respect. Granted, they're certainly not in a position to demand it, and some don't deserve it. 99% of the xOW on the C&A board aren't with MM any more. They don't want him. They only want what is best for their kids. Isn't that basically what we all want? What's best for our kids? For some, they get wrapped up in the whole family scenario, and think that's the only way that life can go on. Others just want their kids to know their fathers.
But honestly, these ow are the same women that were hoping and praying to break up a marriage to have their own selfish wants and needs satisfied.
JM: Not all. Some were just caught up in a bad situation that got worse.
Did any of them EVER give one single thought to the emotional damage that would have done to the children of the marraige?
JM: Funny. I had a conversation last night with a friend of mine about my son and the lack of a father figure. He's got a 19 year old half-brother. She suggested that I have my son write HIM a letter, and maybe that he could step up where he father isn't able. I was completely flabbergasted. She couldn't understand my thinking. I would never do that. It's not MY place to tell this kid that his father has OC. It's not my place to burst the bubble that he grew up in, or let him know that his father is less than perfect. Who knows how much he knows already, but I'm certainly not going to be the one to enlighten him. That's not a burden I want to carry.
But now, these VERY same women that were willing to put the children of the marraige through PURE HELL for their own needs are complaining that BS is not considering the emotional well being of oc.
JM: But see, you're lumping everyone together again. Do I think that xMM's W thinks of the emotional well being of my child? I'm not sure. I'm sure that she's thought about it. I can't see her being completely heartless (but then again, you never know). I think that she thinks of her own emotional well being more, and the well being of her marriage. And obviously her marriage cannot withstand having a constant reminder of her husband's infidelities around. She had him get a PO box so nothing came to the house to remind her. She would rather forget that my son (and his half-sister) exist, and live in a fantasy land that she has a perfect marriage. This is just what I see. Apparently NC was a condition of him staying in the home. Do I blame HER for that? Absolutly not. In the end, the choice is his. And I have to respect that. And I do.
Am I the only one that sees some type of MAJOR hypocrisy here ?
JM: There is hypocrisy involved in all aspects of it. But that is the way life is, unfortunately.
I think we could all learn that whether ow or BS we are going to do what we feel is best for us and the ones we love and that may not make everyone happy.
JM: I think that we all do that anyway. It's just that what's best for me, might not be best for BW. That's where the clashes start. Like I said - we all just want what's best for our kids. Some think that includes knowing their father. I wish my son could know his father. But then again - what kind of role model is he? His (xMM) father cheated, he cheated, is it genetic? Do I want him thinking that's OK? Nope. Absolutely not. If NOTHING ELSE, my son will have a hell of a lot more respect for women than his father ever did. And hopefully the chain of cheaters will stop.
Sorry this is so long. I hope I answered your questions, or at least gave you some more insight.
