The emotional upheaval that you are living in right now, is exactly why you need help. Your H wants to stay in the marriage,etc. Now is the time to interview attorneys. She sounds like a typical OW type. Game player. You need an attorney right now. You need to sit down with your H and start protecting your financial future for you and your children. You only have so much time. A legal separtion, where he is paying child support and alimony, along with signing over the house to you can protect you in the time being, on paper of course. You need an attorney to take steps right now to protect your family.

You say you will leave if he has contact with the oc. Ok. I can totally relate. This is why it is even more important that you take steps for you. This is not to say that after this child is born you might change your mind. Either way, if you mean it, set the ground work now. Get legal advise. Make it clear to him that any decisions will be made jointly and that either both or none, as far as OC is concerned. Also, make it clear that absolutely no contact at all with OW. With an attorney, this is not necessary at all.

The bottom line is, honey, you do what is best for you and your children and your marriage. If N/C is what you prefer, you deserve it.

You are going through an emotional painful time. You are stressed and hurt. This is not the time tobe making huge decisions. This is why you need someone to lookout for your best ineterests.

LynnG, thank you so much for your advice. I am in utter turmoil right now and there is sooooo much more. I have read all your posts and you seem to have hit the nail on the head with your opinions, at least from my point of view. OW might not think so but do we really care what they think??? You seem like someone that I really need to talk with. I havent told no one about this and neither has he. I want to go to couseling but he feels that nothing will help him get over his guilt. I can honestly say, I truly hate what he has done to me and I feel sooooo helpless. This web site and your advice has helped some tho. A big thanks to ya

It is hard enough to heal a marriage after a betrayl as it is. Add in a OC and it is near impossible. That is why an attorney is necessary. Have them handle all legal aspects of possible OC, paternity tests, etc. No need for you or your husband to speak with her at all.

Then use your time to work on your marriage, without the OW and her nagging and manipulation hanging over your head. Do not bury your head in the sand and wish this to all go away. It won't. By having laywers protect the interests of you and your children, allows you the time to get marriage counseling.

If after the OC is born, and it is your husbands and you decide it is to much and you leave, well then your children are protected financially.

If you and your husband work it out, and save your marriage, all is well. Just work this out with him. Explain why you are doing what you are doing.

I agree with the POJA. I think both need to be aware of what and why. He can't fault you, if he is feeling sorry for her. His concern for her makes me really believe you need a laywer. Take your time, breathe and slow down.

Some on here think I am bitter and angry. I really am not. I am just concerned when I see women putting their heads in the sand, avoiding conflict. This is conflict. The only way to work it out is discussion and therapy. Either it works or it doesn't. No matter how it works it's way out, you and your children need to be looked out for. You have to much on your mind to worry about he legalities. So does your husband.

Lynn

Very supportive and sound advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:
<strong>The emotional upheaval that you are living in right now, is exactly why you need help. Your H wants to stay in the marriage,etc. Now is the time to interview attorneys. She sounds like a typical OW type. Game player. You need an attorney right now. You need to sit down with your H and start protecting your financial future for you and your children. You only have so much time. A legal separtion, where he is paying child support and alimony, along with signing over the house to you can protect you in the time being, on paper of course. You need an attorney to take steps right now to protect your family.

You say you will leave if he has contact with the oc. Ok. I can totally relate. This is why it is even more important that you take steps for you. This is not to say that after this child is born you might change your mind. Either way, if you mean it, set the ground work now. Get legal advise. Make it clear to him that any decisions will be made jointly and that either both or none, as far as OC is concerned. Also, make it clear that absolutely no contact at all with OW. With an attorney, this is not necessary at all.

The bottom line is, honey, you do what is best for you and your children and your marriage. If N/C is what you prefer, you deserve it.

You are going through an emotional painful time. You are stressed and hurt. This is not the time tobe making huge decisions. This is why you need someone to lookout for your best ineterests.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry about that, first time on this site. I will learn how to use the sight before I continue. Although I will continue to read and get the great advice you ladies are putting out there, it really helps.

Devistated Chris,

Don't go away Chris! When you want to post a reply or ask a question, click on the little rectangle below or at the top of the page that says "post a reply". If you want to start your own topic (thread), click on the rectangle (top pr bottom of the page) that says "New Topic".

Try it again. We were ALL new at this at one time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And Welcome to Marriage Builders!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Chrissie4@aol.com Well H and I had a discussion last night that wasnt good. He now is feeling extremely guilty for what he has done to not only me but what he is doing to her. He now says that he may just want to have contact with the OC. He feels no child should grow up without a father. There is so much more we talked about that I really dont feel like typing. Too much to type. I just feel so helpless now. I know I should be concerned about me and my children but it is soooo hard to focus on anything right now. I know I need counseling but H feels that counseling wont help him. At this point, I dont care about him. I just need to worry about myself and my kids of course.

Oh honey, I feel for you. I know your head is swimming, your heart is heavy and your eyes are weary. I have been there. You will survive this, of that I can guarantee. However, his actions are showing you very little respect. Sure, he is confused, but what about you and your needs? Get you and your kids taken care of financially. Get the support. I know it sounds drastic, it sounds horrible, it is scary. But he has put you and your children at risk. Get an attorney to take care of the legalities and you get to a counselor.

AND DON'T GET A JOB. If you need to be busy, volunteer. But right now you are all in line for spousal support.

I know that being nice and trying to Plan A sounds good. And you can still do it. But don't allow him and that OC to steal money out from under your children.

You can work this out and move on. You will make it. If your marriage survives, and it probably will, by taking measures that secures the financial security for you and your children, he will be thankful. If it fails, then you and your children will be thankful.

Take care.

Chrissie4,
Eight weeks is so early to see any results with your H.

At eight weeks for H and I, we were in individual counseling. H was saying how sorry he was but showed little else toward me. I plan A'd my butt off. I was miserable but hopeful at that time. His behaviour really hadn't changed and I now know he was talking to ow from time to time. Mostly arguing.

On D-day he moved to his own place. That was November. He was back at both of our decisions in December. At eight weeks, in January, I was sorry I asked him to come home. All I did was cry and harp on "how could ow have your baby, is she crazy?"

Ow was/is married. Was our social friend with her H.

Fast forward to mid-March. I spazzed one day and told him to get out! H was feeling sorry now for ow/oc. H left and I began the hardest thing ever. Plan B.

I also got an attorney as I saw no reason to stay married any longer. Well... after oc was born, H showed up back home one day when I came home from work telling me he missed me and wanted to stay married, that he'd be the best H I could want.... I still went to the attorney and had papers put into place.

Well it's almost three years later and we are doing great.

We had one hell of a time as H would not get an attorney from the start either! Ow began sending hospital bills, well baby Dr. visits bills, obgyn bills, to our home! Along with love letters, angry letters, gifts and cards.

Finally ow got an attorney, then H had no choice.

We settled cs/health insurance. We have an adult son so no need for me to file ahead of ow. I would if I were you.

We do not have oc in our will. The way we see it, oc has ow and her H, all ow's siblings and grandmother to leave oc something in a will. Our son has US and OUR family so he will receive it all from H and I along with our DIL and granddaughter, when we die.

We tried contact, but ow ignored the fact that H and I were a "team" and made decisions together. Ow constantly intruded until my H, seeing what it was doing to us, dropped all contact with oc.

It was the best thing to happen to us as we were no longer able to have a peaceful day together without ow calling H and H hanging up!

Your marriage should come first. Your H must respect your needs if he wants to remain married. It is up to you to decide what you can and cannot handle right now.

If he is unwilling to get help I stongly urge you to call the counseling center found here on marriage builders and do individual counseling with the Harleys.

They will equip you with the way to handle things and give you more hope where you think there isn't any.

I hope this helped you.

H and I are doing fine without contact. Harleys strongly recomend N/C to begin to work on yourselves and the problems in the marriage.

This is one hard thing to go through, but I thought if a person who has done it wrote to you, perhaps you'd feel some sort of relief.

Prayers to you. The power of prayer is incredible. Pray for the way you should go. It takes a long time but you will have answers in time.

Hope this helps you.

love
Debi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We tried contact, but ow ignored the fact that H and I were a "team" and made decisions together. Ow constantly intruded until my H, seeing what it was doing to us, dropped all contact with oc.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like you made the right decision. The OW in your case needs to grow up. Glad things worked out for you

Crazymom,
Thankyou. We do the best we can with lifes catapulting happenings.

Also I have followed your story and am truly sorry your H acts like he does.

Maybe you can join al-anon. I think they help people who have spouses hooked on alcohol.

love
Debi

Gemini1
Yes, thank you so much for your advice. It does help knowing there are others out there going thru the same thing I am. I feel so alone in this and your letter has helped quite a bit. I know this is all still new for H an I and I know that time will help but it just hurts so bad to know that the person I trusted so much has hurt me sooooo bad. I am not saying he is all to blame here. I made myself distant from him at times but, I dont know, maybe I am living in a dream world but I have always felt that if two people loved each other like I thought we did, you just dont do something like this. I did make a call to a counselor this morning and I am going to get help with this. I know I have to at least start the healing process with myself if H wont join me. I will say, all of the advice I have read here has helped a lot over the last few days. I thank you all. I am glad to see you and H are doing great now. It gives me hope. Thank you so much.

Chrissie,

I'd suggest that you might want to call the MB office and set up phone counseling with either Steve or Jenn Harley (888-639-1639). Both are highly qualified to help you work on your marriage, even if your husband isn't willing. And they're experienced in dealing with these types of situations. I counseled with Steve during my wife's affair (and she ended up pregnant by the OM), and I credit a lot of his work and tactics with helpiing me save my marriage.

As Lynn has suggested, getting a lawyer and filing for support is an excellent idea. Having Steve or Jenn help you with how to negotiate this your husband (to help him understand) is very important; you want to do as much as you can to not only protect yourself financially, but to also give your marriage the best chance of survival. Your husband is not going to be up to this for a while---he's as confused as you are shocked, and getting a team of professionals (lawyers and MC's) on your side to help you is going to be the best investment for the future that you can make.

It's not a lot of fun---and protecting your financial situation and saving your marriage are two goals that may seem at odds during this process. If you can find a lawyer and MC who can see these as part of the same plan, you'll be in better shape.

K, thank you so much for your advice. I wrote the # down for future reference. I did call a counselor this morning and made an appt. with her. This is all so scary but yet I know it has to be done. I feel so helpless right now. I cry every day which is hard because I watch kids during the day so I am trying to be strong. I have so many emotions running thru me that I truly feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I will say, finding this website has helped more then I thought it would. I found it about a week ago and I will say that even tho I cry still everyday, it isnt as often and I have only the people here to thank. Again, thank you so much!!!
-----------------------------------
Married-89
OW- 3/02-8/03
2 children with H
8, 4

Chrissie4 I strongly urge you to call the Harleys as they are very good and know how to deal with "our" situations.

I am glad you found the advice helpful. You are right on target emotionally. Perhaps an antidepressant would help you deal better day to day.

I took one short term and it did help the extreme swings.

Prayers to you.
love
Debi

Sorry double post with the same theme. Either this site is slow or my computer is whacked!
love
Debi

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>