Three weeks ago I discovered that my husband had an affair with my best friend.
It happened many years ago and he says that it is over between them. But for me it feels like it is happening right now! But that is not the worst part of the whole situation. My friend got pregnant and had my husband's child, while at the same time I was pregnant also. My friend was such a good friend to me too. When I was pregnant, she would come over and help me because I was so sick. She drove me to the hospital the many times I needed to get re-hydrated because of the morning-sickness (all-day-sickness!) I never suspected a thing, and when she got pregnant too! Well I was overjoyed at the thought of us having our babies together. I never in my wildest imagination suspected that it was my husbands child! I feel like a such a fool.
Our daughters are nine years old now and three months apart in age, they are best friends.
I feel so stupid because I never, ever suspected a thing. My friend does not know that I know yet. Over the years we have kind of grown apart. I don't think that her getting preganant and having another man's baby taught her a thing though, because last year she had an affair with her husbands brother! I haven't seen her since my husband told me about it. I don't think I can ever face her again. I feel so stupid for giving her my trust. She is married and her husband knows. I was the only one who was not told. I guess my husband made a promise to her husband that he wouldn't tell anyone. I don't know that much more about it, because my husband really hasn't talked too much about it.
I am so hurt and sad and mad and I am experiencing so many emotions and terrible thoughts that my brain will not turn off. I am having trouble sleeping and eating and just living.
I have three children and they are wondering what is wrong with me because I am so sad. I am usually such a happy and energetic person, and now it is a struggle just to get out of bed every day.
I have not told anyone about this. We live in a very small, gossipy little community and I just don't want to see this child hurt by finding out that my husband is her father. I love this little girl and I know it is not her fault. I feel so sad for ALL of the lives this is going to and has already affected. Whether or not to tell her about this is something that is an issue, but I will deal with that later.
I just don't know what I am going to do, I still love my husband, we have been married for almost 14 years and and I just can't stop loving him overnight like that. I am very angry. I have never before experienced anything in my life like this.
I have been to see a counselor and so has my husband. I don't know how this will all work out, or if it even will. My husband told me that if he knew I was going to react this way, he would never have told me. The counselor told me that I have suffered a loss and that I am in shock. I guess that makes sense. I feel like my whole married life is a lie. I can't think about anything else but this whole situation and it makes me so sad that I don't see any point to anything. I just cry and cry and cry. When I do sleep, I have terrible dreams. I dream of people stealing from me and of being in an out of control car and no way to stop it. I dream I am in a concentration camp! I mean there is no relief anywhere!! I feel like I am going crazy.

I am so glad I found this discussion board, because it really helps me to know that I am not alone and that there are other people who have gone through this and survivied. The only person I have told this to is my counselor. So having a place to discuss this is wonderful.

Barely,

You have suffered a major shock, and it will take some time to recover. I hope that your counselor is a good one---if s/he is, then you will begin to work through this with an eye towards rebuilding your marriage to something stronger (how has it been, BTW?). If your counselor isn't skilled in dealing with this, the Harley's are very good at phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments), and I would suggest that you try them.

You're going to be understandably upset and angry for a while. If you're having problems with sleeping, ask your doctor for something to help (Ambien is good). Anti-depressants may be indicated if this stretches on for another month where you are really incapacitated.

Why did your husband tell you? I truly think it's good that he did---although the short term will be rough. But I wonder what the motivation was.

Consider yourself hugged... Welcome to MB. Your H can learn a lot here about the Rules of Protection... See articles & Q&A sections... Good luck to you!

bho,,,,, i sm sorry to welcome you to this site but at the same time i am glad you found us.

there are so many women here that are in your shoes with the other child (oc). all circumstances seem to vary but the common thread in all is the betrayal with a resulting oc.

i know that you are in a state of shock and your counselor is correct about you having suffered a lose. many have compared it to a death. in my own case i think, as horrible as it sounds that a death is easier to cope with. it is usually something that you can find a reasoning for. many times in these situations there is no sensible reason for a ws's actions.

i understand that you are hurting terribly but you need to grab hold of yourself for your children and yourself.

although tremendously painful one positive note (hopefully) is that youre newly discovered oc is a well loved person. or i suppose you would not have allowed your d to be such a close friend to her.

one thing i would like to say is that although you have found out about a terrible betrayal YOUR life has not been a lie. the good times you had are still the good imes you had. it is your h whose life has been the lie not yours.

the big question i have is how in the world did your h keep this so quite for so long being so close to his oc?

<small>[ September 24, 2003, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Dear Barely,

K and Pops have given you some great advice. You have suffered a tremendous shock and it will take some time to start feeling normal again.

Since you have a family to worry about, don't be ashamed to take some mild medication that will take the edge off of your feelings and allow you to start to heal.

We are all curious about your H's motivation, but, aside from that, if your best friend is married, is he certain the child is his? There are a number of women on this board whose H's were involved with married women or women who were seeing other men and it turned out the OC was not even theirs.

Right now, you are in shock, but as you learn more about what happened, please keep this in mind and find out how your H and best friend determined the paternity.

Please also take some comfort in the fact that we have all been in your shoes. And, all of the posters who have answered are in recovering marriages. You can heal and continue in a loving marriage with joint effort by you and your H.

Praying that you will find strength,
love,
heavenly

Dear BHO,

It is always sad to welcome someone to this board, but there is also a sense of relief that they have found this place. I went 3 months past D-day before I found this place.

Talk about blaming the victim! Your H needs to know that your reaction is quite normal. In fact, I don't know many people here who didn't react as strongly as you are reacting. I know that I did. You have suffered a double loss as this betrayl was done by your H and a then good friend.

I too felt like my life had been a lie. Still have some of that feeling. I think that Pops is correct--your H's life has been a lie--not yours. I felt incredibly stupid that this went on right under my nose and I didn't suspect a thing. DH says that that is not because I am stupid but that he became a very skilled liar. I felt, for a very long time, that I could not trust my own judgement. Forget trustin him, I couldn't trust myself.

I notice you haven't posted again. I hope you plan to come back. This can be a very good place and many of the people here can be very kind and helpful. Don't let some of the arguing that goes on here scare you away. Once you have posted 45 times and you have shown a good understanding of MB concepts, there is a private board you can move to where we play much nicer than we do here.

Shalom,
MJ

I want to thank you all for welcoming me here. You don't know how tremendously helpful it is to just have someone to talk about this with. Thank you again to everyone that has replied.
Well, the way that I found out about his A and OC is that I asked him about it. I had a friend come to me ask me about the OC. I can see NOW that this little girl really does look alot like my husband. I have asked my husband about this a couple of times and he always just denied it! But the seed of doubt was planted in my brain. This last time that I asked about it, my husband finally told me the truth, he said that he was feeling so stupid, and ashamed and guilty about it that he finally had to tell me. I thought it would be a great relief to know the truth, but it is not. I am sure one day I will feel differently about it, but for now I am just sick. Until the day my friend asked about it, I really did not have a clue! and even the times I asked my husband if he had an A I didn't really believe it either. But now reality is here.
I had not thought about having paternity tests because my H is sure she is his D. There really is a strong resemblence, as she has his dimples and none of the OC siblings or the OW ( I am not sure yet of all the abbreviations )and her H have anything close to dimples. The OW's H is the only Dad she knows.
What a complicated mess.
I am not sure yet what we are going to do in regards to my H telling the child. These are things that our counselor can hopefully help us with.
As for the OW, my former best friend, I saw her briefly last night while I was out with a friend of mine who has no idea of the situation. It was the first time in three weeks that I have gone anywhere and I couldn't believe I had to run into her. Well I as soon as I saw her approaching me I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach(this woman has NO idea that I know about her A with my H)I started to sweat and my heart was beating wildly, it was so awful, I think it was some kind of panic attack. But I had to leave and go home and it ruined my whole night and my sleep. I didn't say one word to her because this is such a private matter and we were in a public place. When and if I even do tell her that I know I want to have complete control over my emotions and have some sort of an idea of what I want to say, I don't want to just blurt things out in anger.
I hate living this way, I have told my H that I want to move away from here because this is a very small community and there are just too many reminders of past things now. I will miss the OC if we move but I feel I will never have the chance to be sane if we stay here.
Thanks again for listening and I hope that all I wrote makes sense.
(Where can I find out what all these letters, ie: WS, WW etc. mean???)

Your situation requies kid gloves if you know what I mean. First, you are totally normal with your emotions. Those are your feelings and you have a right to them. Now, you need to find a great counselor, and realize that not all of them are. You should call the Harleys as this is an old infidelity, an older OC, that you know, etc.

Your marriage will be fine. You can work this out. But it isn't going to happen overnight.

As for moving, my advice is to wait that out for a while. You have just had a shocking blow and you will need to gain strength and wisdom. By moving, it will create more stress at this time. Take care of you and your chilren and allow things to calm.

Calling the Harleys would be a great start.

As for OC, well, you already know her. You seem to care about her and your children are friends. That is going to have to be addressed lightly.

Barely,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate living this way, I have told my H that I want to move away from here because this is a very small community and there are just too many reminders of past things now. I will miss the OC if we move but I feel I will never have the chance to be sane if we stay here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an entirely sensible thing to do---but I caution you from doing ANYTHING too drastic for the first couple of months after being dealt this kind of shock. You want to take action---not be reactive. And it will take you some time to get to the point where you will be able to take these actions. "Remain calm in the whirlwind..."

I'll keep you in my prayers...

I'm glad you found Marriage Builders and posted again. It's sad any of us have the need to be here but it is a place of great advice and support.

The definitions for the abbreviations can be found here.. Abbreviations, Similies, etc This link is found in the General Welcome for All New Builders Be sure to read the General welcome and check out the links. There's lots of very useful information in there that you'll need to refer to during your stay here at MB.

I'm glad to hear you and your H are seeing a counselor. Is the counselor good and helping at all? K (a poster above) gave you the number for MB counseling and I understand their counseling is excellent.

That must have been a shock to see the FOW last night. How frightening to run into her when your feelings are so raw. You did good to avoid any confrontation! Not easy, I know.

Continue posting Barely. You find a wealth of support and valuable information here.

Barely I'm sorry this has happened to you. You are in shock right now and can't make decisions of a lifetime just yet.

You need time to adjust to this news. My skin crawled at the mention that ow was a friend and still is. Ow here was my friend too. I know how you must dread things you've told her girl to girl and how it haunts you.

I think K gave good advice in telling you to call the Harleys. They will take you and H step by step to the right direction. My H and I counseled with Steve and he was wonderful.

Take it one day at a time. Do call for counseling.

Prayers to you today during this most shocking time.

love
Debi

I'm so sorry. Ditto the great advice: your feelings ARE normal! You would benefit from a good counselor. Don't make any decisions now, while you're still in shock. You'll go through all the normal stages of grief: shock, anger, sadness, etc.

My husband did the very same thing, but confessed while XOW and I were both 8mo pregnant. XOW had also been involved in my pregnancy, held my hand at my ultrasound, gave me baby clothes, etc. The betrayal of trust hurts horribly! I can only imagine the pain if the secret had continued 9 more years!!!!! And the girls being friends--oh dear!! Oh, I feel for you!! OC and my child are less than 1 week apart but don't know each other. Being military, we were able to move far away, so I can understand your wanting to move, but don't rush too fast. Get help from a neutral party. You can survive this, but it takes time.

God be w/you,
J
in recovery 5y

Well, things just seem to be getting worse. I had a bad night, no sleep at all. I feel like I am a zombie.
My H went to see the counselor today and opened up to me afterword. We talked about some very painful things. I just discovered that he had an A with the OW two different times. I had thought that the A was over before the OC was born because he told me that he felt very bad about getting her pregnant. Today I discovered this was not so. My H couldn't remember the exact time period that this second time around happened because he says he has blocked it out??!! Now I feel as though I have taken a giant step backward. Yet I am the one who wanted/needed to know some of the details, to put some closure on it and maybe begin to heal. Heal? All I do is cry! I hate feeling sorry for myself but here I am.
Will the lies never end? I really don't think that I can handle this at all. Gemini1 said something that hit so close to home about the girl talk my friend and I had and how it haunts me. I am just sick about this new discovery. I know it is good that he is being honest, but I feel like I am dieing inside, my only wish is for numbness.
I felt incredibly stupid that I was so clueless to their A the first time it happened. I thought we were such good friends, yes, we shared baby clothes, maternity clothes etc, She was my BEST friend!! All of our children are the same ages... now I am ..... I don't think there are words to describe how I feel. I just can't understand how I could not know that these two people whom I cared so much about could do this and I never had a clue!!
I know there are others who have been through this too, how on earth did you manage?? I feel that I am such a bad judge of character that I will never be able to trust anyone again. I can't believe how fast one's life can change.
I have an appiontment with the couselor at 10 am this morning, is she the one I ask about maybe taking something to help me through this? or do I ask my doctor?
Also, I live in British Columbia and I don't know about calling the Harley's for counseling because of the long distance?? Can they help me even if I am way up here??
I will have to think of someone who I can trust to tell all of this to. I also have lost weight and everyone is wondering what the heck is wrong with me. For now I am very grateful that I have found all of you to help me through this. When I first found out about it I didn't even realize that this situation happened to other people! I am so glad that I found this place. I think having a place to vent and talk about this is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.
Thank you all.

barely,,,,,,, i just wanted to say to keep hanging on and i understand how you feel about your h's lastest admission. fh (fullhouse is my w) and i were about 6 weeks into this from our d-day when she admitted to having a 2nd escapade with her om. it was like day one all over again for me. i feel that is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. and i don't know what exactly it is the trust, the respect or the i can't believe how serious she was for om.

talk with your counselor about the medication. they can help with that part also.

for now you most definately need to find a trusted friend so you have someone to talk to. this is so vital as trying to keep all this inside is dangerous. also you will find that they will be able to talk about other stuff with you and that will help relieve the 24 - 7 of this nightmare.

please trust me when i say that you will laugh again. maybe not at this but you will laugh. you will also trust again.

i lost 40 lbs at the time all this hit the fan. take care of yourself. you are a valuable person and the world needs value. don't be so hard on yourself about being a good or bad judge of character. this has nothing to do with any of your abilities. all of us here are quilty of just one thing and that is complacency (sp?). we simply denied to ourselves that this could happen to us.

stay strong as your kids need you now more then ever.

Barley
I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. Its bad enough that you have to find out your H cheated, but its a dubble whammy when you found its with your best friend. My H first affair was with my best friend. She also ened up pregnant but misscarried. I was 8 months pregnant with our first child and devistated. What made it worse was H told me he wanted he to be the mother of his children.

Stay strong. It may seem hard at the moment but you can do it. If not for yourself, for your daughter.

Hugs to you.

My heart goes out to you! (big hug) God bless you and God bless your precious girls!

Dearest Barely

Everyone here is here for you.

We all understand what you are feeling and what you are going through. You have experienced a double betrayal and your emotions are too raw right now to make any reactive decisions. It is recommended that you wait at least six months before you make any life altering changes.

You can't do anything about the life altering changes that have been hoisted upon you, unbeknownst to you and without your knowledge or consent, but you can call the Harley's...it will be the best $5 you ever spent in long distance charges. I'm not sure what their houly fee is right now, but it is very reasonable compared to other therapists (and money well spent-it's almost like you can't afford NOT to call them), and the Harleys conduct most of their counseling by telephone with amazing results. They know what to do...they are the experts.

I want to tell you that this is not the end of the world. Three, six months from now, the shock will have worn off a bit and once you and your husband study and learn the principles on this site, you will be able to begin recovery. Complete recovery takes a couple years or so with several interesting and fulfilling plateaus on your way, but once attained, your marriage can be better than it ever was.

I'm so glad that BOTH of you are going to counseling, but I hope you will speak to the Harleys together as well as it will give you incredible insight that a regular couselor might not have. Kind of like a kick start.

The little girl (OC) has been part of your life for nine years and a friend of your daughters. I know this sounds crazy, but you are fortunate in a way, to have this relationship with her prior to D-Day because you have already accepted her. And the fact that the XOW never interfered with you or your life like so many XOW's do, is such a blessing, despite this horrible betrayal. Most of us here have had to deal with a lot of intrusiveness from their XOW's and it has caused most of us to opt for No Contact with the OC.

It is all such a sad mess, but it is not impossible to overcome. You have definitely come to the right place and we are all here for you.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

BarelyHangingOn,
Just checking in to see how you are.

Catnip had great advice and I do hope you'll call the Harleys!

It takes a long time to stand back up after that rug has been pulled out from under you and you need professional help to get there.

Let us know what's up.

love
Debi

<small>[ October 01, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

HI Everyone
I am sorry that I haven't been on for a while, but I am having a really tough time with this whole situation. I do have a very good counselor and a doctor has prescribed me something called Paxil and also a sleep aid. I am experiencing tremendous anxiety and now I feel like my body and mind are betraying me too, because I cannot control all of my thoughts and I got very sick with an infection a couple of days ago. I can't handle any of this, it is too much. I will write and read more on this site hopefully soon!
sorry
and thank you

Barely,
Write when you're up to it and we'll be here to help in any way we can.

You're meds will take a while to kick in.

This is all so fresh for you right now and you need time to absorb all that you've discovered.

I'll say a prayer for you and just know there will be better days.

Do consider calling the Harleys for guidance. If your H will do it also it'll be even better.

Peace to you for now....

love
Debi