Last week my husband told me that he had an affair and now the OW is pregnant. He says he doesn't love her. I thought that my marriage was as strong as a rock. I never saw it coming. I love him. I don't want to loose him. He tells me everyday that i should not be down about this and that He is not going to give up on us. I don't know how I should feel but I know I am still in love with him and I can't imagine being apart from him. I am seeking some sound advice on what to do and how i can move forward with this pain that feels like a knife stabbing me in my back. Even though i love I can't stand the thought of another woman having his child when i am still with him.

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: lovinghim ]</small>

Welcome! I'm sorry that you have found yourself here! Finding out another woman is having your H's baby is very tough to deal with! When did you find out? What are H's plans regarding the baby? Will he help financially? Actually he will HAVE to if papers are filed and actually he SHOULD. But does he want contact? Will you support him if he does or doesn't?

I am going through the same thing. My H's OC is eight months old and as adorable as can be. Unfortunately she lives out of state so I don't know how much of a father he'll actually be able to be but he does have every intention of helping financially. Please try to remember the baby is an innocent victim in this and deserves love from both parents just like any other child. I was also in OW shoes ten years ago when I was pg by a MM myself so I can understand the OW perspective although being in the BS shoes has made it hard for me to remember "where I came from" but I'm pretty much there!

I hope you and H can get into MC as soon as possible to repair your marriage. If you can, I'm sure it would be well worth it in the end! The road to recovery is a long and bumpy one! It won't be easy but I can certainly understand your pain! Please keep posting! There are alot of wonderful people here to help you get through this!

Sorry you have found yourself here. Read through the site and learn. You don't have to do anything yet. Whatever you do, do not sent that woman any money until all test are done confirming paternity.

As for what your plans are for the oc. That is up to you. Is your husband supportive of you and your wishes? If you choose nc will he agree to protect the marriage? If you choose contact, is he willing to have it through a 3rd party to avoid any and all contact with ow?

No matter what you decide, your husband seems like he realizes what a huge mistake he has done and the mess he has created. Your feelings matter, do not let others tell you they don't. You are hurt and you have a right to your feelings. The oc is innocent, but so are you.

Do you have children of the marriage? Protect them also.

WELCOME! I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS HAPPENED TO YOU.I AM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION, MY HUSBAND AND I WERE SEPERATED AND DURING HIS AFFAIR (I WAS COMPLETLY CLUELESS) WE STARTED REALLY WORKING THINGS OUT EVERYTHING WAS WONDERFUL (I WAS STILL IN THE DARK) THEN THE OW (YOU ALL SO SWEETLY DEAM HER) FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT AND MY HUSBAND DECIDED THAT I HAD TO KNOW,(WE WERE BEING COMPLETLY HONEST)AND NOW WE ARE SEPERATED AGAIN.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I THOUGHT A LITTLE HISTORY WOULD HELP. I THINK THAT LOVINGHIM IS THE MOST HONEST BEAUTIFUL NAME YOU COULD HAVE USED HERE AND I PRAY EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.

REMEMBER: AN AFFAIR IS AN ADDICTION, SO LIKE CRACK IT JUST MUST SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEAH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
THAT WAS A JOKE SORRY SOME TIME MY HUMOR FAILS ME.

YOU HAVE THE BASE PLEASE REMEMBER TO MOVE FORWARD, LOOK FORWARD, AND LOVE HIM(BUT LOVE YOURSELF TO)

Lovinghim,
Welcome to our sad group. Not a good group to join for the reasons we are all here, but definitely a place to come and hash things out when you find yourself in this kind of pain and confusion.

Let your husband love you if he says he doesn't love the OW, that is the best place to start the healing process. I know you feel like you've been stabbed; we've all been there and somedays, even after 2 1/2 years past D-Day, it still hits me with a force brutal enough to knock my breath out, so don't count on overnight cures. Take baby steps and you might just be surprised at how strong your marriage ends up after a jolt like this. And the oldies on here have made it obvious to me that sometimes it takes at least 2 years to even deal with the hurt, let alone trust again.

Be honest with your husband about your feelings, and make sure he is aware that you expect the same from him. Read everything on this Marriage Builders site you can and apply it in your day to day living - I know it made an instant change in my husband and my relationship when I started practicing Harley methods and explaining them to him also.

My husband has NC with his OC, so I can't voice any opinions about how you should proceed with that part of your situation, except that it has to be a joint decision. My husband's OC was 15 years old when he thought he would establish contact with her (this is also when I found out the OC existed - after 18 years of marriage). The situation was not what either of them thought it would be and he also formed an abnormal re-attachment to the former OW during this time, so even though I had agreed to try and treat this situation as a child from a previous marriage, the OC was old enough to voice opinions and manipulate some situations to her mother's side, and my husband got fed up and decided that although he cared what happened to the OC, he could not really see a bond forming between them and when he spelled out how it was going to be to the OW, she let him know that neither she nor the OC would ever have any contact with him again. But the OC will be 18 in December, so those of us with NC never know what to expect down the road if we do choose NC and so you have to be open to those possibilities, too. It is not fun when some days that I feel that I will have to look over my shoulder to see if the OC has decided to drive up on her own, once she is of legal age and her mother technically will have no authority over things if she wishes to make contact then.

You just need to take everything in and give yourself some time to absorb this, it is still such a fresh pain. Don't make any rash judgments and know that we are all here for you to talk to.

Have a nice week,

deltamoon

Read the Basic Concepts of Marriage Building: No love busters, meet your spouses' top emotional needs, get a policy of joint agreement as to how you will deal with the OP and OC situation and by all means have a paternity test before you pay a dime of child support!

One day at a time! You are ahead of the game if your husband is now willing to end the affair and get serious about fixing what broke down in your relationship.

As far as the pain and the triggers, I can't really say if those ever do go away? I think the veteran recovering betrayed spouses just get to be pros at dealing with the negative thoughts as they come. Anything could trigger a bad mood, a song, a time of year, something you find around the house. I think you will just be way more sensitive when something happens that triggers insecurity regarding the whole disaster.

If your husband gets really good at regaining your trust, that will help you SO much! Read what Dr. Harley says about the Rule of Care and Radical Honesty. Just do a search on the site and read and share these articles with your husband if he is open. It sounds like he is, if so, you are VERY blessed!

Keep the faith! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is my first time on this site. Sorry that I have to be here. I keep saying that Tinker bell died and Alice in Wonderland got mugged. I was 6 months pregnant when my husband finally told me he was having an affair. I was more concerned with keeping the baby healthy until birth. I am incredible naive and I feel like such an idiot. How could I have been so naive and trusting?

hi tinkerbell. im sorry to say that im in the same position as you. i still love my husband too, but am clueless as to what step to take next.