Hi all,

This is going to sound really Pollyana-ish and is unasked for advice, but I felt compelled to pass on one lesson.

I have always lived by "don't speak ill of the person you married" because if you have a H or W that you are constantly running down to your friends it says (in a way) that you were dopey enough to pick this person.

Right after D-day I called OW every name in the book (quite unlike me). However, I soon came to rethink that strategy [Wink] . My H had had a long-term affair and had strong feelings for this woman. If my goal was to bond him back to me, I couldn't spend too much of my time bashing her. After all, he says he loved her (and me). He says he knew where he wanted to stay so I needed to make it a safe place for him to stay. Everytime I bashed her he felt compelled to defend her.

I am not saying I liked her or ever will. What I did say (and what I think was acceptable) was that I hated her for what she did, that her behavior was dispicible, etc. I stopped calling her filthy words and used her name instead. It was neutral and Mr. J hated words like "your lover."

It seems best to me to do your name calling here. While it is understandable given the hurt we have all suffered to want to call names and extract vengance, it doesn't serve our cause very well and that is what we are supposed to be about--rebuilding our marriages.

MJ