I am still so sad and hurt and confused.
Recently my daughter’s class went on a ski trip and I went with her. I thought it was going to be such a fun day, but it was awful. My former best friend was there, the woman who my husband had an affair with and a child with while I was pregnant.
This is the first time I have seen her since I confronted her in November. I thought I could handle it. But it was so hard to be in the same room with her. I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. I wanted to run away, which is a hard thing to do when you are on top of a mountain. I can’t believe how much knowing the truth about all of this has affected my life. I feel like I am dying inside! We live in a small community, and I know I will see her again, but it is just too painful and hard for me. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet I feel like hiding. I want to move away from here and all of the painful memories.
How am I supposed to handle seeing her? We have so much history together. She was my best friend and we shared so much! I still cannot believe that she and my husband did this horrible thing to me.

If possible at some point, perhaps you guys should move away and start a new life with new surroundings and make some new friends and new memories.

Consider yourself hugged.

It's not fair that you should be the one feeling like you have to run away.

Even if it didn't show, I'm positive she was/is embarrassed. Try not to let it get you down. You're the one who still has way more dignity than she ever did or will unless she changes her lifestyle and quits going after her best friends' men! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm sorry this happened to you.

We never know how a situation will affect us until we are knee deep in it and it's too late to change our minds. Keep hangin' in there! You will make it...

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Sorry I didn't see this sooner---how awful!!

You've suffered a double betrayal. Please treat yourself very very nicely, take very good care of yourself at this stressful time. Is your H being kind? I'm so sorry. I'd consider moving too.

Hugs,
J, also double betrayal, but not to the extent of yours! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I still do really love my husband, even though I hate what he did. His affairs with my former best friend happened many years ago and he has no contact with her, other than seeing her in passing because we live in such a small community. We have had contact with the other child because our daughters are best friends. (Still weird to now know they are sisters too.)

My husband’s own guilt is what finally made him tell me the truth about all of this. I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with this and she has helped me tremendously. When I told her about my Mother dying when I was three years old and then being raised by my Grandparents, who themselves died by the time I was seven – and then living with my alcoholic Father, my counselor says this is the reason why I put up with so much crap, that I have a fear of being alone, a fear of abandonment. It was an eye-opening experience for me because I never before understood WHY I am this way.

Also in counseling I learned that my husband was sexually abused for a couple of years by his older brother’s wife starting when he was 12 years old. This was a secret he has kept for almost thirty years (when he did tell a close relative about it, the person just laughed at him and my husband swore that he would never again tell anyone about it). My counselor says that our lives may follow a pattern and that sometimes we go back and try to fix the unresolved issue from our childhood, and then the cycle is repeated – something like that. Knowing this has helped me to understand my husband better, why the affair and all the secrets may have happened. I still haven’t forgiven him yet though. And he hasn’t forgiven himself either. Because I see him really trying to work on things, by going to counseling, by opening up and being honest with me, I have chosen to give him another chance.

I also think that because the FOW and I were best friend’s, (we shared maternity clothes, baby clothes, and as only close girlfriends do, I shared so many intimate, personal thoughts and feelings with her) I feel that she betrayed me too! Now to know that we were both pregnant by my husband at the same time! For over 10 years I thought she was my friend and cared about me. Having a child with my husband was my right! Not hers!… And that is why I can’t bear to see her. I have said it before but, Oh! how I wish she was some nameless, faceless nobody.

I have yelled and screamed and ranted at my husband, I have gotten the chance to express to him exactly how I feel. I can see his remorse and I know he is truly sorry for all the pain he has caused me and our children and our families. As for FOW, there is so much I want to tell her, I want to yell and scream at her too! I am so angry with her. But I feel if I do yell and scream at her, it will only show her how much power she has over me, and I will not give her that satisfaction, so I keep quiet. I don’t see any remorse from her at all, and I don’t think she has learned anything from this because she went on and had an affair with her husband’s brother and is now involved with another married man in our community.

I know I am rambling here, but I am just so grateful to have listening and helping ears to help me get through this...

Wow, Hangin', you're really doing well!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but from your description, it sounds like you and DH are being as healthy as possible despite the circumstances! You're in counseling, uncovering past patterns, and not giving any more power to the XOW (sure does sound like her pattern!). Good for you!!

Just recently, DH learned of some A-history of both his parents that he wasn't aware of. Boy, history SURE DOES affect the present!! If only he'd known sooner, things might've been different for us. At least we can go on with a better understanding of things.

Keep postin'. Hugs,
J

You know what,when you come across OW, DON'T feel intimidated!!!!! I have this same problem. When I have to deal with OW (because of C w/ OC) I look down a lot and can barely look @ her much less have eye contact.

But you know what? HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!!!!! We are theinnocnet ones here and we have nothing to hide. They should be embarrassed and ashamed. It's almost like they are so brazen, we are embarrassed FOR them. We need to stand TALL and let them feel uncomfortable. Next time you have to be around her, even if you don't really feel it, ACT like it. ACT like you are self-confident and self-assured and NOT intimidated and beleive me it will work...not only will she start to shrink and cower by your strength but YOU will start to really feel it!!!!!

There is no need to let them have all the power! It's your H, who you have the right to keep and be proud of it.