My H confessed to his A nearly 20 months ago. He had a short lived A in 97 and felt the need to tell me because of the guilt. He also informed me that there was possibly an OC. He has had no contact with OW since the A ended and had no idea where she was living. I have tracked her down. Her living conditions are less than desireable and she has no job. I have been able to confirm that she does have a child but can't confirm the age.

My H doesn't see any reason to pursue it any further. His thinking is that if she had a child by him then she would be looking for CS. I feel my H has a financial responsibility if there is a child and she may not know where to find him because we moved shortly after the A ended. Should I just drop it and wait for her or the OC to make contact (if there is one) or do I pursue and find out for sure. I also really don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I will have to deal with more upheval down the road.

My H has made it clear that he won't be involved in any way other than financial if there is an OC. I feel this is more a way to avoid dealing with things and I can't force him to be involved. I don't even know if the OW would want that. I'm just rambling at this point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Where are YOU in the process of healing/forgiving in your marriage?

Why do you wnat to "stir things up"?

Think...is contacting this OW really going to do anything positive to your marriage? Did the contact he had with her initially do anything positive to your marriage? It only ended up in an A, right?

Search yourself, could this just be your curiosity getting the best of you? I know how that can be and it can be tortuous. Some questions are better left unasked and unknown.

Ask your H what he really wants and see if you 2 can come up with a solution you can both agree with regarding this situation. Don't try to get involved just on your own. This will not help your marriage at all and could end up pushing your H away from you instead of closer like you would want.

Be careful.

I'm with Ktbunch...I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Don't stir things up. But, if it makes you feel better, get an attorney to lay out things you need to do to protect yourself and educate yourself on what to expect. Don't let your feelings of misplaced guilt or obligation (that is NOT yours) to manipulate you and get in the way of what you must do to protect you and your own children.

Before ANY money changes hands at all, make sure you have DNA results in hand. In some courts, whether the child belongs to the WS or not, it can be construed as an admission of guilt making your spouse liable...and, what if it isn't his? There have been several members here that have found out the OC is not their spouse's child!

Wish I were one of them.

Just don't even go there.

Apparently this is really bothering you, or else you would not be taking the time to track this OP down. If it is an issue with you then it needs to be taken care of. (just like any other issue or problem in a marriage) Even if your H just wants to take the typical WS approach of "lets not talk about it, ignore it and it doesn't exist", that is not working for you.

And this is only smart on your part. If you both are really doing what it takes to repair and heal your marriage, then do you want this potential Bombshell just laying out there waiting to go off? Cause when it does, it will just take you both back to all the hurt and pain. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Isn't the approach of not dealing with potential marriage problems what lead to the affair in the 1st place?

A good place to start is with the child's actual age. If the OC is too old or too young, then its all a moot point. However, if not then a paternity should be done. If this is upsetting you, then your H should be willing to do whatever it takes to put your mind at ease.

And remeber this is all "IFs". But just like the "not knowing" about the affair can make you crazy, the not knowing about this can as well. Also the finacial aspect should be considerd. Imagine how much "back" support will be owed if the child IS his and he hasn't been paying for years and years. IF the kids his, then he can at least begin to do the bare minimum and pay CS. On the other hand if its not his, then its over & the 2 of you can go on your way and be Happy together, and this weight & worry is gone from YOUR mind (as well as a potential disasterous LB).
And your H is being nieve if he thinks that women do not show up years after the fact proving paternity. Just like affairs, it happens everyday.

This needs to move beyond an if and a maybe. If it isn't, its done. If it is his, then at least you know the situation and can deal with it. Leaving it an "if" in your mind is counter productive to saving your marriage, because it will be there poisioning your heart and mind.

A question for you. I know you can't stand the OP and have no love for the OC, granted. However, how do you feel about your H, knowing that he may have a child out there, but doesn't even care or Want to KNOW?? How does that make you look upon him as a H and father?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ctrt:
<strong>My H doesn't see any reason to pursue it any further. His thinking is that if she had a child by him then she would be looking for CS. Should I just drop it and wait for her or the OC to make contact (if there is one) or do I pursue and find out for sure. I also really don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I will have to deal with more upheval down the road.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm. I don't *entirely* agree with the philosophy of "let sleeping dogs lie" on this issue since it is one that could, in the future, directly impact YOU on an emotional level... not to mention adding stress to your marriage and finances. However, it is YOUR HUSBAND'S child and the decision to pursue the matter is ultimately his.

I would express to him your concerns for the future of your marriage and finances. In some states, the OW can request paternity tests AT ANY TIME UNTIL THE CHILD IS OF LEGAL AGE. Are you and your husband planning to simply keep your fingers crossed for the next 18+/- years? Also, if OW is on public assistance, the STATE will begin searching for the child's biological father in order to recoup medicare/medicaid & welfare expenses. Should THAT happen, your husband will most likely be slapped with a hefty bill for past CS, plus interest, plus DNA testing costs, etc., and will probably have his wages garnished.

I hate to advise you to "stir up trouble," but I truly think that it would be in your best interest to be informed and prepared. If you are recovering from the knowledge of your H's affair already, do you really need THIS hanging over your head to worry over & have resentment about?

Very best of luck to you & your husband!

Can you check public records and see if she is getting assistance?

If you know her last name, can you find out the name of the child and go and look at the birth certificate?

In our county, you can go and type in the name of anyone and a list will pop up for anything they are involved in. Traffic citations, welfare, etc. If she is getting assistance, you would know. Plus you could look at the file as it is all public info. Get the childs name, then look up childs birth certificate.

Just an idea.

But if this is bugging you do it. If your husband is truly sorry for what has happened and wants to repair and keep the marriage intact, you need to discuss this. But just as if the situation were reversed, and it was him who wanted to contact the OC, and you were against it, this has to be jointly agreed upon. Both of you have to have a clear and agreed upon solution to this.

Oh and ignore the stab at your husband for "abandoning" his child. Part of me thinks if this was his child, she would be collecting already.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Part of me thinks if this was his child, she would be collecting already.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lynn

You have to remember that not all OW go after the Xmm for $$. Some actually do stay away, even when the child is actually his