As per my previous topic, the unexpected trigger, how many of you have told the extended family and if so, were you sorry later?

As of right now, I wish my MIL never even knew. Every so often in our conversations, she asks me about lil lady, and I tell her that we don't have contact any more. I'm sure that's a bitter pill for a granny to swallow, but it's a pill her son served her, not me, and frankly I'm tired of discussing it with her at this point. I'm afraid to say it, but she's gonna have to get over it and move on. Yes, she has a grand daughter, and she may not get to know her for a very long time, or maybe even never at all. Sad, but true.

I'm a fan of honesty, the more brutal, the better...builds character I believe. But i just have to go on record....this is one situation where I wished we lied like politicians to cover up the mess in our marriage.

Your thougths??

I am the FWS and X-ow. I told my parents the truth of my baby's parentage when I first found out I was pregnant and my H was moving out.

Now, Baby is 4 months old, my H is home and we're having tremendous success at rebuilding our marriage and family and I wish more than anything I hadn't told anyone! My parents told my siblings, I think my siblings told an aunt of mine. Etc. Too many people know and they watch how my H interacts with Baby which is just unsettling. Plus, I think we're all treated a little bit differently.

I definitely wish they didn't know.

e.

e29,
I'm feeling you. On the one hand, you don't want a child to grow up feeling as though they're a dirty little secret, and I know for me, I couldn't bare the thought of devistating and innocent little girl by shunning her.
But on the other hand, when you try to rebuild and establish some 'normalcy' whatever that means, you feel like you're on exhibit.
And it seems odd that NO ONE in the family is so inclined to air their dirty laundry with you, so, you wind up feeling like a freak show in a family where everyone else has the privaledge of keeping the ' we're so normal' facod.
Stinks. Again, wondering if this situation is the one exception to the 'honesty...best policy' rule.

e29,
by the way, i'm so blinded by my blue funk right now, i forgot to say congratulations on a good start in recovery!

toosad,
I read both your posts on this and thank you for posting. I'm sorry it was so uncomfortable around the family. These things are SO painful. I'm going to share your "freak show" comment with DH. Very difficult.

We are 5y into successful recovery (long distance the whole time), now forced to move near XOW (military move, not our choice!), having to decide again about visitation, etc.

Peace be with you,
J

We never told anyone about OC until we chose C when OC was 4 1/2 yo. If there was NC we would not have told. We regret C and I wish it would have never been revealed.

In-laws act the freakiest around OC. Try to over-compensate for the mixed feelings I know they have. OC is "blood related" but doesn't produced the same "connection" type feelings, so they seem to over-exagerate how happy they are to see OC when OC is w/us. And if we deny OC something (just like the rest of the kids) MIL gives it to OC anyway... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Even the aunts and uncles act wierd. But they're trying...the only way they know how, better than ignoring OC I guess.

My parents are the absolute best. They take their cues from me and have just accepted the situation and OC. They include and treat OC just like the rest of the KTbunch. Not too much, not too little, just right.

It seems like this caused in laws to have more affection towards me though. wierd

I regret all of our decisions about OC.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Hi J,

I remember reading about how great you and your H did during recovery. I felt a small seed of hope based on some of your posts (I'm formerly Matthew).
I hate to hear the question about contact is coming up again. When my H comes home from war, that's one of those conversations we're gonna have to get out in the open.
Right now, it's kind of implied that we won't have contact, be we haven't enthusiasitcally agreed to any particular course of action regarding contact.
If you want my advice....pls wait until the child is independent and can request contact. I thought contact was something we could work out in the beginning, but with the keen hindsight vision working now, there was no way in hell I could have made it through 18 years of this type of frustration.

KT,
you mentioned the wierdest thing....the newfound affection/respect for you since the whole thing. Where do you think it comes from? I know my MIL and I have become closer, you see, his father did the same thing to her and left their marriage. He is currently with the woman and they've raised the child together for the past 15 years. So I know she understands some of what I've experienced.
But I'd rather not received the 'you poor thing' routine from family. I think it's kind of degrading, you know...I chose to stay only because I saw there was still hope for us to be happy and mutually love and respect one another...not because I had to stay.
OK...I'm gonna say this and then laugh at myself for being so small....I wish someone else in the family would have another soap opera occurrence in their lives...maybe it would take the heat off of us for a little while. SOUnds ugly, but hey, it's what I'm feeling right now.

I wish that no one knew about what my H did. I am sure if it weren't for the OC, I would not have told anyone. But, I too agree that this child should not be treated like she is a dirty little secret.

My family reacted horribly. They think I am a fool for staying with him, and now they don't come and visit and rarely even call me. I don't understand that? I haven't done anything wrong, yet it feels like I am being punished. What is wrong with staying, and trying to work on our marriage? I tell them that things are so much better between my husband and I, because there are no more secrets. If they think they are punishing him by staying away, they are wrong because it is our children that are suffering, they miss their Grampa and Gradma and their aunt and uncle...

On the other hand, my H's family is very warm and supportive to him. His Mother even wrote him a letter which began - "To my precious, precious son."
And I have no one.

What really gets me, is that after my H told my Father about it, my Dad admitted to having multiple A's on both my Mother (she passed away at the age of 21 when I was only 3 years old) and my step-mother!?! But, because none of his A's resulted in an OC he thinks he is so much better than my H... I even found out that my married brother may have an OC from a ONS he had five years ago! My Dad knew of this all along and is still close to my brother...

It is no wonder I am so screwed up. What the heck is the matter with all the men in my life???

So to answer, yes I have regrets about telling and now having everyone know about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toobadsosad:
<strong> KT,
you mentioned the wierdest thing....the newfound affection/respect for you since the whole thing. Where do you think it comes from?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really know. I can analyze it but....culturally they have such a double standard but I think it goes way back to the beginning before H and I were married. I got pg (we were barely 19) and the rumor on his side of the family was I was trying to "trap" him. LOL what's worth trapping about an unemployed, uneducated teenager!?! It had nothing to do with "trapping" and more to do with just plain stupid immaturity. But if any one was trying to "trap" it would be my H! lol

So I think it relieved any bad feelings they had ever thought of me and now they had no one to blame but their son/nephew. Who really knows?

They all have their little "secrets", which is also funny because in both our families NOTHING is ever a secret! Ours is just currently the ugliest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And a really sad thing was my SIL, when we told them, replied, "typical male", I thought that was so sad. I wanted us to be better than that and my H NOT to live up to his cultural stereo-type.

Also didn't help that we were/are Christian. (a higher standard that we clearly have not lived up too) That just blew our witness/testimony. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am not sorry I told my family. They supported me when I wanted the divorce. HIS sister helped me pack his things. HIS parents were livid....they love me like a daughter. So no, I needed the shoulders at the time. Then, as the OW and her antics started (sending unasked for photos of oc to "grandma and grandpa") they were well versed in everything, to the point of being included on our OFP.

My husband had the affair, not me. So while I can forgive him, I am only human and in the early days needed love and support. As the years rolled by, and the sting is gone, our family is quite close. My husband regrets his affair and wishes oc was never born. While CS is almost over for us, he still is resentfull that his stupidity caused so much damage. He is happy that our families helped me, us through the early days. He is gratefull for their support of us as a couple. Some of the men in our families had affairs that didn't result in oc's, but it horrified them to see what can happen.

So, I am glad we told our families. Pretty hard to hide a frying pan flying at his head!!!! It would have been quite obvious anyway.

And for those who have family who are angy at YOU for staying. ((( ))) Here is a hug from me! They probably feel that you are being walked on, and have the mentality that there is no healing, no getting past this. They don't know that this is just a thing. No big deal. That life and love can and does go on. Pick up the phone and call them. Open up to them about your life. Talk to them. Maybe they are afraid? But if you reach out, it might get a reconciliation going. If not, at least you tried.

When is the right time to tell your family? My parents are really having a difficult time accepting the A, I have no idea how they will handle OC. I am not really handling OC yet. Right now I am trying to focus on my marriage. I am afraid if I tell them now, they will not be very supportive of the decision to stay married.

I am really worried about telling my kids. They are only 8 & 5. How in the world are they going to understand that they have a new sibling and I am not the mommy?

Kris

When and if you and your H decide on C would be the only necessary time to tell anyone. Just my opinion but if you choose NC why tell your kids? IF they are never going to see OC? At least then you can let them have a childhood and maybe tell them when they are adults.

The same with the parents. You don't need the extra stress and pressure of all their opinons right now. You 2 decide what will be best for your children and go from there.

Others would disagree but I say NC and keep it your business. You don't have to tell anyone what you do or even why you do it. IT's your family.

I told my family, my pastor and a couple of close friends. I don't regret it. I needed the support. We were in the middle of an adoption when D-day hit. We had been the children's "foster" parents for the summer and they had just returned two weeks earlier to Russia to wait for us to adopt them. My decision to stay or go meant also losing two children I had bathed, hugged, fed and loved. Two children that I had bonded to and would never see again. My world fell apart and I went to a psych hospital for a short stay.

I am lucky that my family is so forgiving. They were angry but able to put their feelings aside. As they have seen him be faithful and a good husband and father for 3+ years now, they have been even more supportive. The other day, my father asked if my H still struggled with guilt and depression over what he had done. I said that yes, life was harder for him than it had ever been but that he was trying his best, being a good Dad to our kids and trying to live a good life. My Dad said "It sounds like he is most of the way back. Good for him. That's a hard place to come back from. Please tell him we love him and are proud of him."

My H told his family about the A and OC before I ever found out. He thought maybe his parents had some magic that could make it all better. My FIL thought that something must be terribly wrong at home to make his superstar son "do this." My MIL was furious and told him he better get ready for the divorce he deserved. They seem to have adjusted but it is a subject we just don't talk about. What I wish had happened is that someone, anyone in his family had expressed any appreciation to me at all for hanging on through the roughest time of my life. I am not trying to make myself more important than I am, but if I had left, they would have lost their son to the grief, alcoholism and mental illness. Although he still struggles, I am the reason he is as whole as he is today. Not only did I do most of the work of recovery, I have helped him through crises after crises since D-day, prodded him along through depression after depression, insisted he got help when he became suicidal, demanded he get help when he began drinking way too much.

MJ