New to this site - bear with me.

My husband was involved in an affair last year which I found out about 2 times via his pager and a copy of an email he was stupid enough to print and leave out. He resolved to end it at that time which I truly believe he did. Things have been rough since then but were getting better.

Until today. I rec'd a call at work from his brother. He was calling to let me know that my husband got the girl pregnant last year and she had the baby a couple days ago.

I about passed out. I left work, met my husband. He said the affair did end when he told me it did and that she told him she was pregnant a few months after that. She has not spoken to him since then and wants no communication with him or for him to have any communication with the child.

I am just sick about this. He said he was going to tell me this weekend as he knew I would be devastated which I am. He confided in a different brother last night (bad choice) who told his dad who told the other brother who couldn't wait to call and tell me because he's an [censored].

Where do I go now? We have 2 boys (11 & 8). I can't even imagine putting them through a divorce, however, how can I live with my husband knowing what has happened. I am just sick.

Please help. I feel like my life ended today and I don't have any idea what to do. We had an appt. for marriage counseling about 2 months ago but had to cancel due to our busy schedules. I hate my life now.

Forgot to mention, H and I have been married for almost 13 years. We have struggled financially this entire time but always manage to survive. I honestly believe my neglect to his needs drove him to the A last year. Still doesn't make it right but I am willing to admit that much.

He ended the A because he realized what a huge mistake he was making. Unfortunately, the damage was already done.

How does a marriage survive? I am so disgusted with right now, will that ease with time?

Please someone - anyone. I am desparate for feedback! HELP!

Unfortunatley not, not ony do you have to deal with the affair but now a child. No matter what this OW has said, her tune will change. She will eventually want your husband to be involved. Your husband himself may want to be involved.

I will keep you in my thoughts, because I know it is going to be a rough road. The true question is whether or not you can life with this mistake and stay with your husband.

Hunt dear, don't be panic. We are all here for simliar reson. May be you should post under Just Found Out. A lot of ecperts will come in to help. Believer, Redhat, Amy etc are nice and kind, and offer valuable advice.

My advice is to calm down first. Try to read as much as you can in all the Q&A colume. Pray for patience and wisdom. GOD knows how to handle this. Give the burden to HIM. Do not blame yourself. It is your H to make the girl pregnent, not you. We are all here for you.

i'm not qualified to give you advice but my heart goes out to you and i would like to comment.....

my situation is very much different but the end result is about the same....my fiance will have a baby with another woman.

in your case, your husband ended the affair and since then you and he have been making a go of it, correct? only now there is a baby situation to deal with.

my fiance wants to have contact with the child and i want to be a part of that no matter how difficult it is to deal with because i have decided that we will do what it takes to mend our relationship and eventually get married.

"what ifs" and other negative thoughts haunt me daily but i can tell you this, even tho its only been a couple of weeks that i have known the other woman is pregnant, that little bit of time has allowed me alot of healing...time does that regardless to the situation....

i still have really bad moments when i doubt my ability to handle any of this but i stop and take deep breaths and i look at the big picture and remind myself that i am in control of my life, that i am in this situation now because i choose to be.....i had my chance to walk away.....and who knows, it could still all fall down around me...this is just how i am able to deal one day at a time...

try, if you can, to look at it from a truly factual standpoint....there was an affair that he ended by choice to remain with you....this child is a result of that, its not something new hes done to you and your relationship....

if you can see past that and have a desire to work through this then you and he need to decide where to go from here....its not going to be easy...my situation has less complications and still its not easy but i know that all the honesty is on the table now and thats where it begins......

youre in my thoughts......

Yes this will ease over time. You are not alone.

Your H did something terrible and has he been trying to make up for it this past year? It sounds like he wants to stay with you and his family. Many WS realize this AFTER the damage has been done but honestly it is NOT irreparable.

IF you read all around this site and especially this forum you will see that there are many out there struggling with this and many who are making it through.

There are some tough decisions ahead. I think you have something in your favor and that is that your H chose to stay with you and family even though he knew of pg. That is a big plus for you 2. He sounds serious in his choice.

Another decision that is imperative that you make right away is a legal separation----on paper through the courts. Get a very good attorney to help you with this. This is to keep you and your children financially safe and provided for in the event OW sues for CS (which they usually eventually do). I have not done this personally (regretfully) but others around here have and it has worked well for them. Otherwise, it is my understanding (and in my state) when OW sues for CS, your children will only be eligalbe for the left overs. This will be protection for your whole family.

When/if OW ever does sue for CS, paternity test, paternity test, paternity test, need I say more? You can do that now by getting CS set up for OC after you have it set up for your own, with a lawyer, through the courts, always on paper.

Then there is the big C question---contact or no contact with OC. You and your H have to make a decision together on what would benefit your children and family the most. Personally I am against C with OC. Others are for it. It is very hard on the family and BC (betrayed children) much less the wife. In our situation we have C and we all regret it. I see no positive outcome from it, sorry. You are the WIFE and what you want/need matters and no one is going to be looking out for your children but you! Everyone has been and will be hurt here, the "innocent" OC, your "innocent" BC and you, the innocnet BS. There are consequences that everyone has to deal with, including the risk of OW choosing to be a single mother with a fatherless child. Cold but true hard facts.

I know this is a lot to think of and deal with, right now and is positively overwhelming. It is NOT the end of the world or your marriage. Really. Let your H help you get over this. Read, read, read everything on this site. The Harleys offer phone counseling which works great with busy schedules, I hear it can work wonders by helping you really get through the tough stuff. I have not used them personally but others have.

YOu are not alone,this is not the end and you will make it through. This is only a chapter, albeit and ugly one. YOu will be able to look back on this someday and realize it is all behind you.

Let your H make it up to you, let him love you adn help you heal. Let him regain his trust while you regain your love and respect for you.

We're here for you, even when you just need to vent. Take care, get plenty of rest, eat right and excercise. Even a walk around the block will do wonders for you. Hang out and try to relax. This is not your whole life, just a part. Watch out for any stress signals from your kids, they can pick up on it and show you. Take care. hang in there, you will make it.

Thank you all for your responses - they are of great help to me right now. I am barely getting through this day.

H did tell me in our middle of the night discussion that he will not turn his back on the child and will want to be a part of his life. In a fit of rage I told him its me and his 2 sons here or he goes there. No inbetween. I'm not sure if I entirely meant that - it just came out.

I am just so sick with all this. He said he was going to make an appointment with a counselor this morning.

I have suffered grief with loss of mom, dad, sister. This is so very different. I can't stand it.

Thank you all again. God bless.

KtBunch - I had not even considered the legal ramifications of all of this. Thank you. We are not 100% it is his (although we're fairly certain), there was another person she was involved with at the time. That would be my only saving grace.

How can I ever face my family and friends again? Its so disgraceful and embarrassing. Disgusting.

Please, Please, Please - don't make the mistake I did by throwing out your husband, keep communication open & hopefully you can both come to some agreement on contact w/ OC that is beneficial to you & your children. It is a lot to take in, I know, I have been there, followed my gut reaction put my H out & he went to live w/ OW for 8 months.

You don't want any futher contact between those two, even if the affair ended awhile ago, I guarentee if OW finds out your H is on his own she will open up her doors to him. That would establish a bonding period between your H and OC & you would be out of the picture, so to speak, w/ no say so at all, that is the worst possible route for this to take.

If you believe in the power of prayer PRAY a lot, openly discuss everything you are feeling w/ your H & hopefully he will do the same. Put yourself & your kids first don't give OW any power by demanding your H make a choice, & defintely don't make any decision while you are really angry.

Every situation is different of course, but I regret that I didn't calm down the day I found out before making a life altering decision by throwing my H out, it set the stage for even more heartbreak in my life & now NC w/ the OC is not even a possiblity, plus I am dealing w/ my H's continued contact w/ OW. So slow down, take care of your yourself & keep communication open. You will get through this, one day at a time.

Thank God you found this site right away, I wish I had.

God Bless
BG

BG - Thank you so much. I really do need to hear words of hope right now that things can and will work out one way or another. I certainly know they won't be easy but there is hope that the marriage can be saved. Like you and so many others here said - one day at a time. I'll deal with one problem at a time and will have to accept that people are going to talk and cast judgement no matter what.

Thank you again and good luck in with your situation.

Yeah, people will talk & some close to you may not share your POV as far as trying to save your marriage, don't listen to them if they are talking negative.

Only You & your H know what you have invested into each other & your marriage. My whole family was in an uproar when this all came out, they offered to pay for my divorce, the whole nine. They still think I am crazy, for taking him back not once, but twice. We have no C's together so what is the point, right? It is not for them to understand.

His family on the other hand turned totally against me, especially my H's mother, told me to cut my losses & move on w/ my life. This is a christian woman mind you, she knew about the A & the OC long before I did. She has hurt me so much, but I am still here, & I won't let her, his family, nor mine dictate to me what I will do with my marriage.

Let others think what they want, they will anyway, & no it won't be easy to deal w/ the talk to your face & behind your back but you will, just lean on God, plus you have the support of your H. This too shall pass as they say....

God Bless,
BG

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by huntington:
<strong> KtBunch - I had not even considered the legal ramifications of all of this. Thank you. We are not 100% it is his (although we're fairly certain), there was another person she was involved with at the time. That would be my only saving grace.

it has been known to happen many times when OW "swears" it's "his"...read around here and you will even see one recently

How can I ever face my family and friends again? Its so disgraceful and embarrassing. Disgusting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU have NO reason to be embarrassed....YOU did NOTHING wrong. I was embarrassed too but the reality is....stand tall with your head up....YOU are in the right! If OW can stand tall and proud YOU can stand tall and prouder! YOU are the wife. Your H and OW should bare the brunt of any embarrassment and shame.

No one ever said anything bad about me that I know of and any one that I would ever suspect of it would not have much moral fiber to begin with. Most, if not all, the people we know were very supportive of H and I. They accepted H and the situation and moved on. All were forgiving and caring about me. And no one really knew about OC until years later when C was going to be established, then we told, so they obviously knew by then, that we were staying together.

Your true friends and people that care about you will probably take their cues from you. They will be hurt and angry for you yes, and on your side but at the same time, real friends will support you and your marriage. And if you don't have any friends like that yet, find some.


I remember a really touching moment when C first began w/ OC. The KTbunch all went out w/ H to play ball with some friends. We had OC with us and they asked who it was, H replied that it was his daughter. He has a reputation for being a joker so our friend did not believe him. Another friend showed up and asked the same question. Again, they did not believe him. He finally assured them he was telling the truth and explained that he had had an A a few years prior and OC was a result of that. After the game our friend asked H if he could ask him some personal questions and h said sure, thinking he was going to put him through the wringer or something and give him the "3rd degree".

But you know what he asked my H? He asked him, with all sincerity, "what can I do to prevent that from happening in my marriage?" A few months later that friend's wife told me that they had greater respect for us, that we could stay together after something like that and what a wake up call it was for them in their own marriage.

And apparently, I am an inspiration to women "everywhere" for the grace and forgiveness I could show my H and the "love & acceptance" of OC, from what I've been told. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL I honestly don't think I live up to that reputation behind closed doors but I do love my H and try my best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And like I've said before, we still regret C w/ OC.

My point is that it will only be a part of your whole life story, possibly the defining moment when your love, strength and integrity will be tested the most but still only one part of the big picture. You can do it.

Remember, your H chose you. He may have been lost for awhile but he found his way back and remembered YOU, the love of his LIFE not just some "lust of the moment". That is what counts. That is real life, real love. The good, bad and the ugly--that is what is REAL! A are NOT "real"!

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KTBunch,

Thank you so much for your words of support. You have no idea how much they have helped me. I loved the story you shared about your H O/C and how you were so well respected in the end. Never thought of it that way.

Thanks again.

H and I had our first civil conversation this evening since I found out a few days ago. I have basically been beating him up ever since I found out (anger overflowing)via emails, notes, verbally - you name it. Everything but physically but don't think I didn't think about it!

Tonight's conversation started the same way until I finally just started airing all of my feelings (hurt, anger, fear, etc.) and needed a hug in the worst way. It was the best hug I have had since I don't know when. We just held each other for the longest time, cried and talked and it felt so good. He admitted to feeling the same way. He doesn't know exactly what he wants. Doesn't know if he can live with me and my resentment towards him, etc. We will both see counselors on Monday and Tuesday. I pray to God it will help. I have no idea if they are any good. I'm seeing a woman, he's seeing a man. Is this how it should be? I guess they'll make their assessment from there on sessions together.

All in all, I guess I feel a tiny bit better, however, the feelings of hurt and hopelessness still overwhelm me each and every minute. I feel as if I will never be happy again, ever. I pray that time will heal and help me through this. I pray that God will lead me and make everything ok. I pray that I can find peace again and the strength to get through this.

H told me tonight how he has lived with this secret and how it has eaten him alive. How he poured his energy into work in order to survive. How he never ever wanted to hurt me. How I must understand that he was to a point where he felt there was no hope for our marriage due to my neglect of him and that is how/why the A happened. It just happened is all he can tell me. Once he ended it, she became hostile (no details). Until finally she would not speak to him (and still won't). Her mother called him a week after OC was born to let him now.

I referred to the OC as "it" and he angrily corrected me that it is a "him". I resent that child so badly and he is innocent. will these feelings subside? Right now I can't ever imagine seeing him, EVER. It would kill me. Hopefully I won't have to. He wants paternity test as soon as possible to verify as there is slight chance its not his (that would be the best news of my life - prayers - please!)

Sorry to ramble, just so many issues, feelings going on. So hard to sort through them.

Picked up 4 books from library on adultery/infidelity, etc. Found it interesting that only one of them briefly mentioned the issue of an OC as result of A. And in mentioning, it was rather doom & gloom as if marriage hardly stands a chance of surviving. Really upset me. I come here and it seems there is hope. I need hope, its all that I have.

I must return to church too, haven't gone in quite some time. I need faith now more than ever. I have so badly wanted to talk to someone about what is going on but have decided against it, its too soon. I think I would regret it afterwards especially from posts I've read here where people regret telling family & friends. I don't feel there is anyone I can truly trust anyways. Plus, of course, I don't need to hear "you should kick him out", "you don't deserve that", etc. I don't need to hear any of that right now.

Well, that's about it. thanks for reading.

huntington,
Hope is alive and well at MB.
A few things your H said the same as my H and the dread of remembering is so hard to do.

I also refered to oc as "it".
H was blown away with anger back then too.

I no longer refer to oc as "it" and H has no contact with oc or anger at my long ago referral of oc as "it".

My H kept the secret for 3 long months.

Now 3 years later when we talk, I know he was so frightened at losing me....he wasn't sure about oc and was scared and confused.
Never wanted oc,yet was so mixed in emotions as what to do.

We have no contact with oc. It would have eventually destroyed me and our life together to have contact. The very thought of another woman carrying my husbands child sent ice water through my veins....we counseled and talked and cried and seperated all to find out we really needed each other and nothing more.

It is a new and confusing time for your H and for you. Please plan A all you can...when the burden is too much...plan B. Plan B actually let my husband see life without me....no more fantasy...no more secret love and come home to the waiting wife...I was gone from him for almost 2 months...agonizing at first... but I was beginning to make a new life.

H showed up unannounced, ow went crazy and did awful things to me and H. Look up my old posts from around 2000, 2001....

We remain together till today. It was hard on both of us. I wanted to stay with the only man I've known since I was a teen....we are celebrating our 30th anniversary Tues!

If you call the Harleys they can give you the best phone counseling ever! They have been around this sort of tradgedy for years and can give you great coping skills and communication skills.

I do hope you will try them, if only for yourself at first.

My H thought he would be condemned for no contact...he isn't except for ow and family... all of our family and friends and me think it was the only way for us to survive and remain married.

In other words, our life is now back on track and not forever changed because of a stupid decision my H made and regrets. We did not change a thing in our lifestyle.

I will pray for your peace. It is terrible to be where you are this last day in February...I pray you will find stamina and you and your H will recover as a family again..

Your story struck my heart as it reminds me so much of the past...you can recover and have sunny days again...believe it!

Blessings
love
Debi

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

YOU are not the reason he had an affair. He can't blame you for his actions. He had the affair PERIOD. Do not let him say it is anyway your fault.

Now, You get thee to an attorney, file for legal separation and get CS in force for you and your children, as they are just as innocent as the oc. DO NOT let this turn into an "the oc is innocent" so we have to do everything for oc. WRONG WRONG WRONG. You and your children are first and foremost in your life. You wipe those tears and stand up tall and start fighting back. You first get the cs in place. This has to be done immediately. Before DNA, everything. You do this first.

Now for the honesty. I am a loud and vocal advocate for no contact. I see it as disruptive and hurtfull to the nuclear family. I see it as putting the needs of the oc above those of the betrayed wife and the betrayed children. How are the betrayed children supposed to explain this child to their friends? Why humiliate them that way? It is important that your children be looked out for. You and your husband owe them peace and love and a chance to grow up. Why destroy their lives for the oc? That is how I see it.

The OW WILL go after cs. Make no doubt. First because it is legal, and 2nd these women fight and create drama. They see themselves as a victim and that now that the oc is here, that suddenly everyone has to act adult. They thing that everyone should bow down at the alter of the oc. Nevermind the upheaval and embarrassment the oc will cause your children. Always remember, she never gave one bit of thought to you or your children. You owe hers nothing.

Now, once you have secured finances for your children, you can start thinking. Do you want oc in your life? I am not asking if your husband wants contact, do you? Obviously you need to pay no heed to what ow wants. If you do not want contact with that child, you need to tell him upfront. If he wants contact he needs to tell you. Then work from there. He can't expect you to sacrifice your life and happiness for a child that isn't yours. If he can't and doesn't take your feelings on this matter into consideration, you have a problem. He has to have your feelings and those of your children in his mind also. DO NOT let him and her start whining about what is best for the oc? You look him dead in the eye, and barely above a whisper, say "well, I don't think oc around will be good for my children and me" Then walk away. DO NOT YELL. Calmly tell him what you expect and walk away. Let him think about it. Do not ever let him talk about what is best for oc. You keep reminding him that YOUR children come first. YOU come before oc and that what is best for OC may not be what is best for you and your children.

This is a messy situation. Personally, we send the $$ every month and that is much much much easier. My children know of oc and have no interest in knowing oc, let alone having oc come to our home. I also want to ask you to think about the long term. Someday your child is going to have a soccer game or an event, if your husband chooses contact, and the oc has an event that day, where is your husband going to go?

Keep reading here. There are lots of different stories and different endings. You will find your way.

BUT GET YOUR FAMILY FINANCES PROTECTED FIRST. That is your IMMEDIATE, DO TODAY, TASK.

Lynn, Thank you for the valuable advice. Someone else had mentioned the same thing. I did call an attorney (actually 2). The one gave me free phone consultation and explained things a bit. The other wants $100 to answer any questions. Money is so tight (as it has been for so long) but I'm sure I could scrape together $100. I have an appt set for Thursday.

This is all so frightening to me. You make so many valid points. I do not want ANY contact with the OC and I really don't want my children to have any either. Not sure they could handle all the ramifcactions emotionally (especially the older boy). As you said, I don't have to agree to ANYTHING.

Apparently OW was separated from her H and the D was in the works until she found out she was preg. Then the divorce was stopped. She told my H that it was his but someone at work overheard her confide to someone else that she was not sure who's it was. (Some morals, huh?) I pray with all my heart that its not his. I know we could mend our marriage if it was just the A to deal with, all this other crap the OC brings, might just be too much.

Why me Dear God, why me? I just wanted a simple little life with my family. I don't care to have material things, never have. WHY THIS - its so overwhelming. I can't think of anything else. First counseling session tomorrow - we'll see how that goes.

Thanks again Lynn.

Listen to Lynn!

Lynn does NOT have C w/ OC so you don't have to believe her, and many don't BUT .... WE DO so you can believe me, everything she says is right on.

If you don't want C w/ OC then avoid it. We did not and it has done nothing but wreak havoc for our family, marriage and children. And we didn't even start C until years later and still the drama.

A marriage is hard enough without this added stress and drama. It ahs been almost 2 years of C w/ OC and still......stress and drama, we are expecting ot go to pick up OC tomorrow and are preparing ot have to call the police like last time. This is the stupid stuff we go through.

And OW will NEVER think of or consider YOUR BC, that is a guarnatee!

Do the legal steps necessarry to protect yourself and your children, don't wait, no one else is going to help you like all the help OW will get.

I am distraught once again.

This is so hard. I had an ok couple days and then today I bugged H for details of the A and now I'm sorry I did. We both saw counselors yesterday (separately) and I wasn't the least impressed with the lady I talked to. First of all, she wasn't an MD, she was a Therapist. She didn't offer me any info, course of action, anything. I talked and she listened and nodded and told me that A's are a common thing. DUH!

When I told her that the O/C was possibly my H's, she about fell off her seat like she had never heard of this situation. I'm looking into other counselors.

I've slowly been bugging H for more details on A. Not sure why, I just need to know a few things. Today he told me they had S a total of 3 times in a very close timeframe and she told him it was her "safe" time of the month. The A ended after the 3rd time when I found out about the A via an email left sitting on his desk at home. A couple days later I ended up in the ER with chest pains and that is when H decided to end it and told her so. A month later she called to give him the news she was pregnant. She was hostile with him when he ended it. Someone overheard her at work say she wasn't sure who the father was and this person told my H this. I am praying to God with all my heart. The other person involved is her H from whom she was separated from and in the process of D. Neither of us know what will happen from here as far as testing etc. H does not know a thing.

The details he gave me today has sent me down to the bottom of the deep dark hole again. I verbally abused him inside out all over again. He said he's going to stay somewhere else tonight. I just can't take this. I am so confused, hurt, angry and feeling so hopeless.

I have lost 6 pounds since D-day. Funny thing is I've tried to lose weight for the past severals years and hadn't had this much success (is this the bright side?) Well it sucks!

I also told H that if it his his C, I will not have C nor do I want our sons having C. He is still sorting through that. I will not budge on this issue and he knows it.

so much to work through, so much BS. I just want my old life back and to think I thought I had problems then. Nothing compares to this.

I have an appt with the attorney tomorrow (per advice from this Board). I am so scared to go as I am afraid of what they will tell me. I can only take all this in very small doses. Not sure if I'll keep appt or not. We'll see.

I am soooooo scared.