ok, breathe, breathe, breathe. sounds like you regret asking those questions. Avoid them, they will only cause you pain and anguish. You don't need those kinds of tapes running in your head.

IF you feel you absolutely MUST know the answers to some of your ????, wait awhile first, then if you still remember, wait a little longer, THEN if you think you can remain calm if the worst case scenario is revealed, ask.

Weight loss is common, which is why you need to take care of yourself. After original exposure of A, I had no desire to live much less eat.

Then when C w/ OC began in 2002, I just had baby # 3, not only did I immediately lose all the pg weight but 20 lbs under my reg. weight too. I've never had a weight problem and I think I was starting to get anorexic even.

The sad part was every one kept telling me how "great" I looked and I just wanted to scream @ them, "can't you see I'm wasting away and dying inside!!!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have noticed some weight gain now, finally, and it kind of bothers me but I try not to dwell on it. And H loves me no matter what. but enough about me-------

If you regret asking those questions and hearing the answers, why don't you just tell your H that. Let him comfort you and make it up to you. If you don't feel like apologizing for whatever you may have said then at least explain to him how stressful this is to you and it's all just starting to take it's toll. You can start over @ any moment. Start the evening over or whatever.

Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

You guys need each other to get over this. You can do it. You do love him and he loves you and you can be there for each other.

I know it's hard to not let it all out at times but you'll learn better ways to do it. Its natural to want to react the way you did.

Call him and try to talk it out. Let him reassure you how much he regrets his dumb decisions and how much he loves you. It's ok to tell him this is what you need right now. Let him love you and hold you while you are hurting.

You can do this and you can make it.

Thanks KT. I took your advice and the evening ended on a much better note. He did not leave and we had the most productive heart to heart yet. Many things were explained with no harsh words or mud slinging which I've been doing so much out of anger.

Another question - I have the appt with the attorney tomorrow regarding O/C issues. What all do I need to ask him? (I'm so uneducated on all this).

Thanks so much. Your advice has been so helpful. This Board is the only place I have to go to vent and survive.

You want your husband to get a good thud on his head? Write down the most scathing question you can possibly think and then have HIM ask YOU that question. That will really wake him up.

As for the questions themselves, some people want every single minute detail. Others don't. That is entirely up to you. I asked questions. Lots of them. I kept a journal, etc. All the standard issue stuff a BW does. The rise and fall of your hope and emotions are all normal here. That is what we are for!! We are here to listed and pat your shoulders while you weep, listen non judgementally while you vent, and cheer you as your strentgh and vigor come back. So vent away.

As for your health. You start eating healthy right now. Get your butt away from the computer, get out and hit the streets walking. Get going. Left-Right-Left-Right. You absolutely need to do this. This is a must. Eat fruits, veggies, lean meats and unprocessed breads, and nuts and such. Avoid sugars and processed foods. Drink tons of water. Then walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. This will keep your body and mind in good shape and health. It will help your body get rid of the adreneline rush of the anxiety you are going through.

Hey, this is a hard road to hoe. You will have good days and bad days. No sense in letting your nerves get shot and your body turn to blubber. Walk darling. Drink tons of water and Eat healthy. It certainly won't make this disaster go away, but it will help in how you feel and how you look and will be good for you.

Keep a journal each day. Then write out questions you want to know. Have him answer them and either you write the answer down, or he does. Cause trust me, you will be asking that same question again!! Then you can see if the answers are the same. Or you may feel fine with what he told you. But whatever you decided to do, promise me one thing. Make sure you are finding time each day to put all of this out of your mind and enjoy life. Be it a TV Show, a walk, playing with children, or a dog. Riding a horse, skiing, whatever it is that pleases you most. Make sure you keep doing that. Cause your mind deserves the break.

As for the DNA. As long as you get your ducks lined up legally, you will be fine. If the ow's child is his, then you will be paying child support. If it isn't his (and I will pray that it isn't), then move on and leave her in the dust.

If it is his and you say no contact and your husband wants contact. That is where a big problem can arise. That is where pure communication needs to happen. That is where the Harleys will be a good choice for you. Neither of you can force the other to either have contact or have no contact, without fallout later.

But I have said it before, read around. Contact prolongs the drama of this mess and the oc is just one more person caught up in the fire. Not the only one and not the most important one. Just another.

Be honest and work these things out together. That is your path to the future.

This just doesn't get any easier. I visited a 2nd counselor yesterday (1st was a waste of time). It was a female. H and I decided that we will try a few different ones until we're comfortable with one. We have appointments set up with 2 more as well (males).

I know and H knows that what he did was WRONG - biggest mistake of his life. He has admitted it over and over. However, we also both know that there was a course of events that led to A. I was not fulfilling him emotionally in any way. He begged me to get counseling for a very long time and I didn't. I knew there were problems but for me it was easier to brush them under the carpet. It seems that the female counselors are very big into making me understand the A was not my fault. I already know that - there were other options but he made a conscious effort to jump in bed. However, I believe that if we are to recover from this horrible situation, I should'nt keep being reinforced that it was all his fault. This only adds to my resentment which causes more fighting and less talking.

We had a huge blowup last night after I explained to him what the counselor had said. I didn't even tell him that she sort of made him out to be the "villain". I don't think that is healthy in order for us to work through this.

Not sure where I'm headed here; I guess I'm just dissillusioned by the different types of counselors. I wish I could find one in our area who uses the MB principles. I truly believe that this is the only way we can heal from this horrible mess.

What does everyone else think? Should I keep being reminded by counselors that its not my fault? H has already said that he wants to work through this but he doesn't want things to be like they were before (my lack of emotional support and intimacy for him). I agree and know that I should have sought counseling before.

This all so screwed up - I HATE it!

Also, do you feel I should consider medication to get me through this rough time. I currently do not take anything but my emotions are just running rampant. High and low and VERY VERY low. I keep thinking I can get through this on my own but I'm beginning to really doubt it.

Help!

Huntington,
I read your posts, esp your earler ones when no one responded, but I can see since then you have been getting good advice and help. KT and Lynn are really good.
I read your story and could have sat down and wept with you, the feelings you had were mine 10 years ago. I even contemplated suicide for 60 seconds. So we have reached those depths.
My advice in the for what it's worth category goes like this:
Draw up legal papers like Lynn said. Reassure your H this is purely legal and to protect you and the children of your marriage. It helps when they understand that. However also remember for yourself, just in case you may change your mind and want a divorce, go big as far as support money, and anything else. A judge will look at what you're taking in separation as what you would accept in divorce.
Then the two of you decide if your marriage is what you want and accept you have to work together to make it work. Then you have to work to create a new relationship, a better relationship.
Read the books of the Harleys and also another book I found helpful was DIVORCE BUSTING, by Michelle Weiner Davis.
Look on this website for the book about other children.

Check your state laws, if she is married, technically her husband is the child's father, whatever biology says.
I got pregnant during our affair situation, my lawyer told me a judge would grant a divorce until the baby was born, to prevent him from being born illegitimate.
This gave us time to get our marriage back on track. (I don't reccommend this, I was 40 at the time.)

I am surprised he wants contact. My husband wanted no contact, felt it wouldn't be good for any of the children, the OC or our 5 children.
At this point they have never met their sister, or even know of her existence.

Well wanted to add weight to KT and Lynn, listen to them, they can help you.
Hope one day you will be a member of the "30's Club". OUr marriage is better now than it was, but we also know that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to keep it that way. If one of us has a problem we deal with it together, not bury it or go to someone else. It is all about taking responsibility.
I called the OW one time and asked her what she was to my H, she told me she was someone he shared his hopes and dreams with. I hurt so bad at that moment in time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go on. Later he came to me and asked sadly why did I call her. I only hurt myself. I even read the cache of love letters he had saved that she had written to him. Again, the pain was ...more than I could bear. But we got thru it.
He must get it together and remember you, your children and your marriage are the most important things in his life. The OC should be the mother's responsibility. He should pay child support, but contact with the OC is a decision you should both make. If you make the choice the OW is not in charge, you, the wife, is in charge, remember that.
Also, don't let him blame you. Granted things may have not been good betweeen you, but he didn't have to have sex with another woman. He made the choice to be with her and share with her something that was yours.

Above all else to thine owne self be true.

Texasgirl.

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by huntington:
<strong> This all so screwed up - I HATE it!

Also, do you feel I should consider medication to get me through this rough time. I currently do not take anything but my emotions are just running rampant. High and low and VERY VERY low. I keep thinking I can get through this on my own but I'm beginning to really doubt it.

Help! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After baby #2 I felt kinda "wierd". I finally realize that I had "depression", I guess the post-partum type. I was already unexpectantly pg w/ baby # 3 so I could not take any medication. It was a little better while I was pg but not much. I did not gain ANY weight until 6 months pg.

After birth of baby #3 I could feel myself spiraling downward and at a much faster rate. C w/ OC had just started, H had just revealed true nature of A, plus now a newborn to care for. I was VERY LOW, suicidal even, I felt CRAZY.

I was desperate and made an appt. w/ mental health department of our health plan. I immediately started anti-depressants. I struggled a little bit on the "appropriateness" of such things but that was short lived.

It made such a huge difference in my life. It did not make my problems go away, it did not make me happy all the time, it made me NORMAL and able to deal with all the stress I was facing in a more ratinoal manner.

The ob/gyn told me if I felt like I needed something then it was probably a good indication that I did.

**********
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My point is:I think you should seriously talk to your Dr. about it. This would be something that might really help you through this "rough patch" and help you deal with things in a more clear headed, focused, rational way.

Just my opinion.

Today is just a bad day. It was 2 weeks ago today that I found out about O/C. It seems I will relive the nightmare each and every Wednesday for the rest of my life.

Angry is my middle name today. This nightmare will never end. I'm convinced.

I'm so sorry!

The nightmare will end, the rollercoaster will stop.

(please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop, please keep all hands and arms inside the vehicle @ all times)

I know it feels like it has been forever but it's only 2 weeks out of your whole entire life!

Give your self time to grieve, be angry and mourn. You have to allow yourself to go through the natural process or else it will only take longer. As much as you want it to go away, you cannot set a time limit on something like this.

Really.

Just an update. Saw family dr., prescribed Zoloft to help cope. Last few days have been ok, H and I talking civily. We see counselor together for the first time tomorrow.

Saw attorney, told us he didn't see need for legal separation, that my income/assets could not be touched. Is this right? Not sure if I should get another opinion. We don't even know what's going on with the O/C (now 5 weeks old). OW was separated from her H and in process of divorce when she found out she was P so divorce process stopped. Her H is legally the father right now. I like it that way and truly wish it could be left like that forever but I know that's not possible. My H has to know for his own sanity.

One minute I feel like I can cope and the next minute I'm off the deep end. This is so very hard. I spoke to our pastor the other night and that felt good to talk to someone about this as I don't have anyone I can talk to. I refuse to let anyone know what's going on.

I truly am just taking one day at a time and trying to enjoy our children as much as I possibly can. That's all I can do.

Thanks for listening.

Just a note, please watch the Zoloft. For me it made me not feel. I was just there. It even got to where I was more depressed. Give it two weeks and you will know if its not working. Adavan is what my doc has me on and I only take it when needed, not every day thing. I found getting rest is good too. I know its hard, but you need your rest. I felt better when I was able to go to sleep and sleep for a good 6-7 hours, I could handle things better. I really feel for all of us here and it breaks my heart so see sooo much pain we all are going thru. But for me this site has really been a good place to come to.