I haven't posted here much, because I was hoping and praying I wouldn't belong here. Unfortunately we got the test results on Thursday and my dh is the sperm donor (I refuse to call him the father). Needless to say it hurt, but more than that, I was furious because that WITCH indicated in the support papers that she is going to change the child's last name to our last name and she is requesting half of the back child support (for two years). The name change is vindictive. We live in a city with a heavy hispanic population, this woman is hispanic, the child's first name is hispanic, and she is changing his last name to an anglo name. He is going to stick out like a sore thumb in his neighborhood (for his name...not for not having a dad...etc). It infuriates me. So does the back support as she has told my dh for the last two years that she wanted nothing from him. Now all of a sudden she changes her mind. It all stinks royally. My dh is talking to a lawyere who wants to petition to terminate his parental rights. Has anyone had any experience with this? It seems far-fetched to me. Why would a judge agree to it? I know it is legally possible, but how on earth do you prove it is in the child's best interest?

Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated.

Sorry you are hurting, in most states a parent can only have terminate rights if there is another person willing to adopt the child, ie a stepparent. Even if he terminates his rights, signs away his phyically and legal rights to the child he will still be ordered to pay child support. I am not sure what you were hoping for with signing away rights. Just keep reading and posting and praying and you can make it through this.

That's what I don't get, this attorney, whom I haven't talked with told my h he might not have to pay the CS either. I don't know. What I want is for this woman to not be able to contact my h at all. The way the negotiated agreement is currently written they each have to notify the other of phone/address/work changes. She can put my h down as the emergency contact. She would have to mail us bills for any uncovered health costs (my h has to cover him on his insurance and would have to provide her the cards etc). In our state parents can be held liable for legal issues etc of the child. At the very least, he would not be his legal parent even if he had to continue to provide financial support. I want a way to make all contact cease....force it to go through an attorney at the very least. We are trying very hard to save our marriage, but I need to make her and this child go away as much as I possibly can. I need this to become a bad dream...and not the nightmare it currently feels like!!!

I've got a question. You just found out? How long have you known the OW was going to have the OC? We are just 8 weeks into it and I can't beleive it would take this long. Or did she just go away and now change her mind? Sorry you are going thru this too.

My h hid the a and the OC until I discovered it in Dec of this year. I'd suspected the A a couple of years ago and could never prove it. Even found a picture of the OW & OC in his car some time last year. I knew of the OW as his friend and he said it was her kid. We had a huge fight over it cuz the picture was addressed to my dad....but he said he'd run into her mom and that was the only picture she had....I believed him because I didn't want to believe it was his kid. So I didn't find out about either one until this year. When I found out I kicked h out. Then I let him come home 3 weeks later (this was over Christmas mind you so it really sucked). One of my conditions for his coming home was a NC letter and a paternity test. When he sent the NC letter the OW called and left a nasty message on our machine...and part of it was that she didn't want anything from him....this has been her standard line this entire time....so he went to an attorney to see what recourse he had if she didn't consent to a DNA test. While this was going on she decided to go and file for CS. So the state ordered the test at my h's request. This took about a month from their first "netotiating meeting" at which time they ordered the test, then they each went, and then this past thursday they had the second "negotiating meeting" (what a joke, she makes demands and he is supposed to sign...nothing to negotiate). They gave them the DNA results at the meeting....it's all a crock...he had to ask for separate meeting rooms...there is no negotiating. They tried to give him a hard time for not wanting to sign the papers until a lawyer reviewed them. I don't think they figured it out right...it's my understanding that the monthly amount is a flat percent taken from the amount left after they subtract for health insurance. This support officer did it before the health insurance deduction BUT he figure my h's monthly pay from two bi-weekly pay checks, not bi-monthly....ie he he shorted her two paychecks. By my math it came out lower than if you take his checks as being every two weeks and then subtract what I know the insurance will cost. It all just sucks!!! But to answer your question, a large part of the delay was going through our state Attorney General's office and not doing it privately. That is a lot faster....

I'm so sick of the OW demands and shes about 10 wks preg. So we have a long way to go. I wish you luck and hope everything works out. I will keep you and yours in my prayers

I'll keep you in my prayers too. Maybe you will get the luck I didn't! Thank God we have virtually NC with our OW. Just at the two negotiating meetings and for this last one, my dh called ahead and asked them to be placed in separate offices (my suggestion)!

Lori,
I am so sorry that your trauma is continuing and has no end in sight. I am sure all the what-ifs about the future have crowded your mind. I know I cannot begin to understand what you are experiencing right now. I saw your post on the other board. I've been wanting to answer you all afternoon, but I wanted some guidence first.

I can still remember the question you had way back about God's will and divorce. It seemed like you were really searching for somthing beyond the circumstances. Please don't get me wrong, you need to be angry and hurt and feel the pain of the truth. All I am asking is that you give yourself time. There is no way you could be thinking clearly right now, your emotions and doubts are pulling you in all directions.

Just remember, you have friends here and a great place to vent. Don't forget to cry on God's shoulder, His desire is for you to go to Him. He loves you and will not abandon you. There is only one way to get to the end of this time and that is to go through it. You will survive this and it will end. The good news is that you don't have to go through this alone. We are here for you.

Christ's love,
Roman

If your H was allowed to sign away his rights then OW would definately be allowed to change OC name to whatever she wanted without your H permission. And then she could make whatever decisions she wanted about OC w/out H notice or consent.

As of now she would have to notify (legal petition of name change) sperm donor of her desire to change baby's name and he can refuse and she would have to take it before a judge and he would have to give reasons why he refuses and then whoever has the best arguement would win I guess.

In my state (ca), our lawyer said no judge would agree to sign away rights unless there was a replacement parent (new daddy) to take over and/or adopt the child as his own.

I completely agree w/ your choice of NC. Our OW pulled that same "I don't want anything from you" stunt. We now have 2 years of arrears that will take us over 30 years to pay off + monthly CS obligation. The thing that irks me is she could of just called and asked, she knew where we were because she legally contacted us years prior for a legal name change of OC.

I can relate to you because I did not find out about A until it was over and after OC was born. I only found out because H was legally contacted for name change of OC.

Hang in there. I know how frustrating and irritating all this madness is. Just stay focused on your marriage and family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> If your H was allowed to sign away his rights then OW would definately be allowed to change OC name to whatever she wanted without your H permission. And then she could make whatever decisions she wanted about OC w/out H notice or consent.

As of now she would have to notify (legal petition of name change) sperm donor of her desire to change baby's name and he can refuse and she would have to take it before a judge and he would have to give reasons why he refuses and then whoever has the best arguement would win I guess.

In my state (ca), our lawyer said no judge would agree to sign away rights unless there was a replacement parent (new daddy) to take over and/or adopt the child as his own.

I completely agree w/ your choice of NC. Our OW pulled that same "I don't want anything from you" stunt. We now have 2 years of arrears that will take us over 30 years to pay off + monthly CS obligation. The thing that irks me is she could of just called and asked, she knew where we were because she legally contacted us years prior for a legal name change of OC.

I can relate to you because I did not find out about A until it was over and after OC was born. I only found out because H was legally contacted for name change of OC.

Hang in there. I know how frustrating and irritating all this madness is. Just stay focused on your marriage and family. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW included the name change in the CS agreement. Apparently in our state, TX, the custodial parent has the rights and the non-custodial the responsibilities. We don't get a say. We also cannot totally prevent contact. The CS agreement requires her to send us bills for uncovered medical costs, requires my h to carry the child on his insurance and provide her the documents. It requires both of them to keep the other apprised of address changes, phone number changes, job changes. We cannot make her go away and just send her the $$$ which is why he is looking at the termination thing. The OW would be able to list my dh as the f..... on legal documents, as the emergency contact for school, etc. This seems to be the only way to totally ensure no contact.

Roman, thanks for responding. I knew I'd hear from you. And after SUDF (or whatever his/her name is), I need all the friends I can get. Ugh!!!

I am deep in prayer, that's probably why I feel like my dh and I are in this together. This is our problem, not his. I'm not as hurt as I expected to be. I have told my dh that if he wanted to be involved, that I would support his decision. I've asked him to be sure this is what he wants. I've asked him to pray that it is God's will to not be involved. I am praying for God's will, I'm also praying that maybe the OW will meet someone and marry. That way the child will get the daddy he deserves and not a resentful one.

I even managed to buy a gift for my brother and his wife who were visiting this week-end. She is 5 mos pregnant, so being around her is torture. But I did it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so glad I have this place. How come none of the books on A's cover this? Do people think this doesn't happen?

interesting.....the rights thing. I saw your thread in the other forum, just ignore those people. YOU are just as innocent.

You are my twin....I am a "reader" and I wondered the same exact thing...why none of these books broach this subject. I am thinkning of writing one....like that will ever happen but someone has too!!!!!

After C was established for us I found a book that had a brief part about OC from A. It was a little too late but it was a Christian perspective and it said that there should be absolutely NO CONTACT w/ OW & OC, pay the money and be responsible but ablsolutely NO CONTACT.

It was written by a man and his perspective/counsel was that it is no good for the child, and encourages the OW to continue in her "rebellious ways" by entertaining a continuous relationship w/ MM, OW should be allowed to move on with her life and hopefully find a love of her own who could provide OC with a stable father figure and home and allows MM to move on with his life and focus on his family and marriage.

As others have written here, you can make choices that you want written in your side of the custody agreement also,like absolutely NC. And you don't have to automatically agree with what OW is proposing. YOu can say no and anything you don't agree with will have to be decided by the judge.

Bills or whatever can go through your attorney. That is how LynnG. has it set up so OW cannot contact them and harrass them. If MM is not involved w/ OC there is no reason to make him an emergency contact, that's just dumb and if he has no legal custody he could not make any medical decisions for child in an emergency anyway. That's just stupid, if OW did that it would only jeapordize OC health.

MM is NOT OC father he is only the sperm donor. You do not contact sperm donor in case of an emergency. OW is stupid and just trying to play games.

God is with you and for you, don't forget that. HE wants your marraige to work more than anything and more than any of us but we rooting for you too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> interesting.....the rights thing. I saw your thread in the other forum, just ignore those people. YOU are just as innocent.

You are my twin....I am a "reader" and I wondered the same exact thing...why none of these books broach this subject. I am thinkning of writing one....like that will ever happen but someone has too!!!!!

After C was established for us I found a book that had a brief part about OC from A. It was a little too late but it was a Christian perspective and it said that there should be absolutely NO CONTACT w/ OW & OC, pay the money and be responsible but ablsolutely NO CONTACT.

It was written by a man and his perspective/counsel was that it is no good for the child, and encourages the OW to continue in her "rebellious ways" by entertaining a continuous relationship w/ MM, OW should be allowed to move on with her life and hopefully find a love of her own who could provide OC with a stable father figure and home and allows MM to move on with his life and focus on his family and marriage.

As others have written here, you can make choices that you want written in your side of the custody agreement also,like absolutely NC. And you don't have to automatically agree with what OW is proposing. YOu can say no and anything you don't agree with will have to be decided by the judge.

Bills or whatever can go through your attorney. That is how LynnG. has it set up so OW cannot contact them and harrass them. If MM is not involved w/ OC there is no reason to make him an emergency contact, that's just dumb and if he has no legal custody he could not make any medical decisions for child in an emergency anyway. That's just stupid, if OW did that it would only jeapordize OC health.

MM is NOT OC father he is only the sperm donor. You do not contact sperm donor in case of an emergency. OW is stupid and just trying to play games.

God is with you and for you, don't forget that. HE wants your marraige to work more than anything and more than any of us but we rooting for you too! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you! Thank you! I so needed to hear this today! You were just what I needed! What is the title of the book? (Like I need to read another one...my poor dh....doesn't read like me...I highlight passages and point out key points.)

I don't remember off the top of my head and I don't remember if it was one someone lent to me or I borrowed from the library.

If I come across it though I will let you know of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lori,
It is great to see your love and support of your H. It will help alot in recovery. All I can say is try to remain positive, keep praying and stick together. Have you wondered why God has allowed all this? I used to do that alot. There are many answers. One is to show us all the strong and wonderful people there are out there. People who are committed to M and vows. People who have strong character. You are one of those special people. Keep hanging in there, it will get better and you will be stronger in your faith.

Christ's Love,
Roman

HI
I dont know if the laws are similar but our attorney told us that my H would only be responsible for CS since date of filing not date of birth so if the OW filed two years from now we would not be liable for back support til now but only to the date they papers were filed. Can anyone tell me if it is differenct elsewhere?? It would not seem right to go for back support 5 or 10 years later and get that amount

My H was sued for CS when the child was 10 months old. He was forced to pay from birth and the cost of the birth.

There was a case in the paper a few weeks ago. A Michigan pharmasist was sue for back child support going back 17 yrs for a child he didn't know about. Turns out he had a relationship with a woman and she moved away. He never knew she was pregnant. The child was raise by the grand parents. When the child was 18 they sued for child support and won. The guy has been paying for the past three years. Now the child is 21 and took him back to court for the 17 yrs prior, she won. The guy now owes over $100K

Childsplay...depends on the state. In TX they can and do get back support. In my city we have a high prevalence of children born out of wedlock (and often to teenagers) and we have some pretty tight Child Support Laws on the books to keep them from all being supported by the state.