I am an OW, been involved with MM for over 2.5 years.
When we met he told me he was divorced. He even maintained a fully furnished apartment so I had no reason not to believe him.
I suppose it was easier to fool me as we were in a long distance relationship. Well time went on and he toldme he loved me and confessed that he was not divorced, but he said, and I quote, " ... but I AM LEGALLY SEPARATED". I was head over heels already and to me this was acceptable... i believed him. He later asked me and my son to move 2000 miles to live with him. I gleefully accepted. We got a bigger apartment a bought more furniture together and were together 24/7 during my visits to his city.
I moved up here and suddenly things got a little weird. He had to go stay with his kids at "his father's house" a lot for visitation purposes. hmmmm... after about 9 months I finally started to get a clue. i sat him down and said, you are legally separated at all are you?
He waffled some bull**** answer out of course. Then he PROMISED he was in the process of separation ( another lie) But I guess when you love some one you WANT to belive them...so ya do.

meanwhile what the have have I done? I have moved to the most expensive city in America, alone here with my son and I really felt trapped. A few more months went by, he was having financial problems ... and he really started being mean and nasty to me... I am talking nearly abusive.

i went with him on a business trip.... and we got into an argument and he got violent. That was it, i had had enough I flew back to New York, got on the phone called his wife and told her EVERYTHING.
Now I did not do this to hurt her, as of course he had lead me to believe that she would care less anyway. She was very calm on the phone. We talked for four hours, I gave her MORE than enough detail to guarantee he could not lie his way out of it.

i thought by doing this I would "burn the bridge" and he would be out of my life.

Well as the weeks went by, I think I had to contact him for something ... we mainly spoke through a 3rd party. he had sent me some nasty e-mails about how I ruined his life and how he hates and despises me for calling his wife and that I was never to contact him again. fine with me, I left him alone.

Meanwhile I am trying to put my life back together. I even managed to go on a date with someone new. Anyway around this time about 2 mths after DDAY our mutual freind calls saying MM wanted to speak to me ..he wanted "closure" . I accepted his call. We agreed to meet at a public place as I was in fear of this man ...

Of course he said the typical crap, " I love you i miss you I'll change, I wantyou back etc..." And I am a sucker and said the only way I would take him back is if he go to counseling to control his temper..which he did and I also said I cannot be with you as long as you are living as a married man... I just couldnt do it anymore.


So guess what he did? He left his wife, he got an apartment... we bought furniture together ( although I stayed in the other apartment)

Well guess what? Time went by, it was another 'set-up" like the other apartments but unfortunately I allowd my heart to let him back in. yes, I am a MORON.

Well the same cycle happened again, he started being an [censored] again and one night we got in a fight because he never forgave me for calling his wife and he kept harping on it and egging me to " go ahead call her again.." So I did, I picked up the phone dialed, and handed him the phone whenhe answered.

We had had a few cocktails that evening and I immeditaelly regreted my actions. he got angry with me things escaslated and he struck me... yes thats right, punched me with a fist... after he left I called an ambulance because i thought my jaw had be fractured, while I am waiting wife calls my apartment from the caller id... I am in hysterics as I a waiting for the ambulnace, she is asking questions which this time I didnt give her much information I just hoped that now that she knew he was seeingme again that she would keep him away from me cause this was enough.

police get there, i file a report but did not press charges because i was scared of what he would do to me if I did. he is very wealthy, very powerful and very connected.

Anyway, I am alone scared and dont know what to do. Fortunately my son was away in a private boarding school so he did not have to witness any of this insanity.

A few weeks go by and we end up reconciling. More promises from him... more stupid [censored] me believing him.

Then in August he invites me to dinner and tells me, ya know, next month I think it we should start trying for a baby.. i guess maybe we both thought it would fix things?? who can say? i assumed with this proposal that he was planning on following through with a divorce etc...

Well we decided to hold off until December, I continued taking birth control. I was on progesterone only pills which cause irregular or no periods, so when my period went squirrlly I thought nothing of it...but apparently got pregnant in October... had no clue until the end of December.

I was reallly sick to my stomach for a few weeks and even though I was on the pill , I took a pregnany test and it was positive... I was in shock. I was scared to tell him as I didnt know how he would react as he was still living at home and this was not planned.

Well I told him. he threatened me in vbarious ways, and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the child and then about 2 days after he found out I was pregant... he went and saw a prostitute - I didnt find this out until after we reconciled a few eeks later), ( i had the password to his voicemail that week... which is how I found out) I confronted him, he confessed. I then though wow, kharma is a *****! i knew then what BW must have felt the stomach turning sorrow of betrayal... i ratherhe had hit me in the face again. Of course he apologized and promised to do right by me etc... and i having no where else to go and no support system and scared with a new baby on the way forgave him.

So the the cycle begins agian.... he took me on vacation and began sweet talking me again... blah blah blah...

But now his bull**** has become as predictable as clockwork.
NOW more than ever I want out. When I get the courage to make this known he threatens to among other things, to take my baby away from me. You see I am completely financially dependant on this man for everything and i dont know how I would survive witout him as my salary isnt even half my rent. And I truly have no where else to go and no one to turn to. he told me if I leave him he will make my life a living hell and I know he would keep THAT promise.

I am scared and I want out. i do love himin some sick way but I cannot continue living this way, he will never ever change and from reading posts here and elsewhere I know that he has no intentions of divorcing his wife... it just more lies. and to make matters worse I live less than 2 miles from him.

Just everytime I get the courage he feeds me something to give me more hope or he threatens me in some way.

I want to end this "affair" but I dont know how to walk away.

I feel like a hostage.

How do I end this relationship when by doing so i feel I am putting the lives of myself or my children at risk?

I think sometimes if I just continue to "play along" that that will be better than the uncertainty I face if I stand up to him.

I would love more than anything than for him to come ovee here and find an empty apartment and I will have gone far far away to start a new life elsewhere.


You see, I thought before if I called his wife that wouldpiss him off so much that he would leave me alone and would be too busy doing damage control to look to cause me any harm. 2 DDays and still stuck in this vicious cycle.

Right now his biggest fear , although he has sinced changed his tune and is happy as can be about the arrival of his child, is his wife finding out...

How do i get out of this? How do i get away from him? i am afraid of what he will do if i leave and i am afraid of what he will do if i stay.

Anyone? I know this is a board for Betrayed spouses, but I need your feedback...even if it hurts to hear it.

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: nycmedic ]</small>

IMHO, you need to notify his wife ASAP about this child you are expecting...You already told her about the affair...she has the right to know her H continued it and that there is a child on the way...maybe it will be a wake up call to her too...

This is not only a forum for betrayed spouses, but for working on your marriage. I don't think this is the correct place for you to post. You do not meet the criteria.

Why don't you find counseling for your situation?

Good luck,

ember

The reply from Jessie is a start in the right direction.

ember

I am going to counseling, and my counselor seems to be just as confused as to what I should do... they always are.

Anyway, I believe he is working on his marriage or at least keeping up appearances, however I dont think he has the courage to tell me so. He is your typical conflict avoider.

He told her since the last DDay in May of last year that I have moved out of state and he has no contact with me.

If I contact her now, I risk putting myself in physical harm as he has made some threats towards my son and I if I were to contact her.

Besides, I believe it is his job to tell his wife. Why should I do his dirty work for him AGAIN?

If they are working on there marriage then I wish them the best of luck, I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me. I just want control of my life back. I just want advice on HOW to get out of this mess.
I would be okay if she never knew about this child and he went no contact with me and oc, which is why I am asking for advice here.

Does anybody here really believe that i should tell her? I dont feel that is my place, but as betrayed spouses where would you want this news to come from?

Once again I would prefer that she doesnt know know and I be permitted to go on with my life. But I dont think he is gonna let me go. But if I tell her he will be so furious he will want nothing to do with me ( YaY!) but then I thought that before, 2ddays and he is STILL here.

How can I convince him to let me go?

I want out.


I realize I am not welcome here, so this is my last post unless someone replies, meanwhile if anyone has any advice perhaps you can just send me a pm?

Can't you find a place for abuse women to help out? Get on welfare if you have to but get away from this man. He is not only harming you, but your children. There are many places to go for help, its just a matter of swallowing your pride and getting it.

I can only answer from what I would want:

If my H had admitted an affair and told me it had stopped, when in fact it had not, I would want to know...whether OW told me, a friend told me, or if it was announced on the evening news...I wouldnt care--I WOULD WANT TO BE TOLD.

Likewise about your baby...I found out about OC right away, when OW was 2 months preg.--his W has the right to know...maybe knowing he has continued to lie to her AND now has a child on the way will help her make her decisions.

IF YOU ARE SINCERE in getting away from MM, then you need to do whatever you have to do to get away...you could find an abused womens sheleter, you can give up whatever lifestyle you have (expensive apartment...or whatever you feel you cant affford) and get on with YOUR LIFE...at this point you getting away from him should be more important than your credit rating or whatever lifestyle you have become accostomed to.
In my first marriage we were well off, my x-H worked in construction for the state, but he was very phys. abusive to me...so I got my daughters and got out, and gave up the nice 4 bedroom house, the nice car, etc...but at least I was safe.

Just my Honest Opinion

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would love more than anything than for him to come ovee here and find an empty apartment and I will have gone far far away to start a new life elsewhere.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then just do it. You moved 2000 miles to be near him. Now move 2000 miles to get away from him.

Like the others said. There are places you can go and peolpe you can turn to for help (womans shelter) For the saftey or you and your children you need to get away!!!! I would, once you are where he can't get to you, would call his wife she has the right to know! And I would have proof, dates ect so she will beleive you. She also loves and trust this man. He may be treating his wife like he treats you, she may be scared also. People like this need to be stopped. Get a restraining order, go to the police. He is controling you in a way he knows he can. If you truly want out, then do it! Look in the phone book, call anywhere and anyone that can help you. You have more to think about than yourself. You dont have bro, sis, mom, family anywhere away from him that you can go to? The only person that can change your life is you. And with the help of God, let him guide you to where you and your children need to be. This, I know is NOT what God has instore for you. I wouldn't call his wife until you are in a safe place and maybe would just send her a letter. But she has the right to know.

Ah you are FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT upon him. Even after you knew he was still married. Even after you knew he was not separated, or divorced. Says quite a bit.

You called her to force a d-day. For your own selfish reasons. You wanted HER to clean up YOUR mess.

You say you are scared of him. You say you want out. Then go. Pack up and leave. Simple as that. There is no leeway for wishy-washy thinking here. This man has struck you and yet you stay connected? Don't be so simple minded and stupid. Move.

As for his wife, he is deeply angry at you for involving his wife. He is and probably never was legally separated from her and you know it. He is the one who is hurting her with the affair, however, once you knew of her and you made that call, you enraged him. Why is he enraged? Cause you are supposed to be a secret, on this side fling.

So, do the right thing. Let her know the truth, but for your own safety, move on. Move away. Grow up. You were responsible for getting yourself pregnant by a man who had already shown you a couple of times that he has no intentions of leaving/divorcing his wife. He had abused you and yet you stayed? Then you mention the financial situation?? GROW UP. Take care of you and your children and get the heck away from this situation. He does not love you and obviously could not possibly care less. He has disrespected you at everyturn, has used you, hit you and you decided to have a baby with him? Oh, yeah, he is wealthy. WOW

For your own safety get away. But wake up and smell the coffee. You are a mistress, damm near close to being a prostitute. This man goes nuts cause you called his wife??????? What is that telling you?????? HE DOES NOT WANT HIS WIFE UPSET. Why? For a million reasons. But the main thing is HER being upset is far more imortant then YOU being upset. THAT says enough.

Don't say he is staying for "money" or "his kids" or whatever. He is staying cause of her.

So, grow up. Get out of this situation and raise your children.

You had my pity when you thought he wasn't married. The minute you knew he was, then continued (since he is financially supporting you), you lost any pity at all. To me it sounds like you want the money and that is all that matters. You say you moved 2000 miles to be with him. Obviously you did not know this man well enough to move anywere for him.

Take care of yourself, be safe, make sure your children are safe and move on.

Once again, I will apologize to you for being harsh. I know you are scared/etc. And you have good reason to be. But if you leave, and take the right steps, you will be fine.

You should have ended it the 2nd you knew he was not available, and had an elaborate lie going. That was your first clue as to what he is about.

When he hit you? Sorry. That is by far and away the BIGGEST reason to leave. Then he does it one worse and threatens your child?????? RUN AWAY

Ok you made some big choices w/ big consequences, some unwittingly and the rest w/ your eyes WIDE OPEN!

Time to grow up as others have said.

It's not about YOU anymore it's about the child inside of you growing. What kind of life do you want your baby to have? AND your other son?

Go to a woman's shelter, they will protect you, your son, your baby to come and help you get out of the disfunctional mentality youwere in that lead you here.

I'm sure they will set you up w/ the DA and get you a restraining order, MM will not even be allowed to know where you live much less contact you.

Then when baby is born you get CS. Again the DA will usually help you and they will not reveal your personl infor to MM due to the restraining order ect.

Forget about his wife, she could be in the same situation as you, experiencing that trapped in the violent cycle thing.

You never cared about her before and I don't think you should now. She is not your concern just as YOU are not her concern. Too late for that now.

Take some responsibility for yourself and your children. You already know all the bad choices you have made so start making some good ones RIGHT NOW. Only you can change your life. There is no excuse, you are now playing a part of continuing your demise, know one controls or owns you. Whatever happens to you or your children from this moment on will be on YOU!

Leave everything and go to the women's shelter RIGHT THIS MINUTE! Try and hook up with your parents or something so your children can have some stability in their lives.

The choice is yours, you can do it. This is no life to bring a baby into, that baby deserves more than you can offer right now. I am not referring to abortion, would never abdicate that but since you obviously can not support it, then adoption would be noble.

Also, read the book, 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

I sincerely hope you take the steps right now to control your life and protect you and your children.

nycmedic,

I am going to repeat what others have told you so that you don't think it is just one or two people that think this way. Further, I have NOT been in your situation from either side and I am a male. So what I am going to say to you has NO emotional strings attached, no bad memories, nothing. You have been given very good advice. And I hope I can reinforce it.

So allow me to repeat what you have heard. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If they are working on there marriage then I wish them the best of luck, I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is not going to be honest with you. He has never been honest with you. Virtually everything he has told you has been a lie, and so were the I Love You's. He was in lust, NOT love. Further, he was not free to give love. So whether they are or are NOT working on the marriage is irrelevant. You need to move on and take care of your current child and your future child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want control of my life back. I just want advice on HOW to get out of this mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nycmedic, this is so simple. You get out of this mess by walking out of it. You obtain CS for your new child, you get a job if you don't have one, you move to your own place or seek help from relatives, and you walk out of HIS life forever.

I have a joke about the this that you might appreciate. So please indulge me.

The cowboy was on the bull. He is wrapping and rewrapping the rope around his gloved hand. His partner who is steadying the bull in the pen and balancing the cowboy is giving him his instructions.

"It is really simple. You stay on this bull for 8 seconds and you win the championship. You have enough points to when if you stay on. It is just that simple."

Two old cowboys are sitting on the rail of the fencing with their boots hooked over a lower rung. One turns to the other and says:

"That boy is about to learn the difference between simple and easy."


nycmedic, you are in for a ride like you have never had courtesy of your choices, but the solution is simple you walk out and deal with life and your two children. You get financial support from OM, and start to make good decisions. It is that simple, but it is NOT easy and everyone knows it.

So make you plans and get with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I would be okay if she never knew about this child and he went no contact with me and oc, which is why I am asking for advice here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is time you realize something. If he has to pay CS and he will, then his W will very likely find out. If the child you are carrying wants to know who his father was, you tell him in an age appropriate way and let him deal with his father in his own time. But, what you need to understand is his W knows he has lied and cheated before, and he will do it again.

You don't want this man. He will do the same to you. So leave her alone. If she ever calls and wants to know what is up, don't lie, but this is between them right now. Deal with leaving and getting support, getting a job, and moving on.

Take good care of yourself. Oh! I forgot to mention the most important thing you can do for your life. GET A PLAN. I don't mean a dream such as " I would like to ..." I mean "I will save this much money, I am moving in two months to..., I will get a job..., I will... and then I will...."

I mean make a detailed plan of action to take care of your child, the child you are carrying, that means a place to live, medical care, protection from OM if necessary, getting a job, etc.

You focus on that, and let his W deal with him.

That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

I think everyone has pounded the information into your head pretty good. The only thing I have to add is maybe at first go talk to the womans shelter and see what they can do for you...maybe they have someone you can talk to so they can tell you your options. Once your child is born his wife will probably find out through C/S paperwork...or him actually paying the child support. I think your main worry is to get out from under his thumb first.