My husband dated a girl before me and got her pregnant. She said it was not his so he didn't have to worry. Shortly before we were going to get married, she took him to court for child support. I was furious!! He said he would do the responsible thing and pay, but he never wanted to deal with or see this child (which is exactly what I wanted). So we went ahead and married with that agreement. He has 2 other children from a previous marriage that I open my arms to. It's been 9 years now and we have built a good life together and have an 8 year old son. A month or so ago, the ex-girlfriend contacted my husband about some insurance problems and started begging him to see this child. Somehow (he is very gullable) he decided to give in and see this child. I told him I didn't want him to. The exgirlfriend had just got a divorce and I have a feeling that she is the one wanting to see him, not the kid. He was very upset when I told him about my gut feeling. We argued for a couple of weeks about it and then all of a sudden he was very cold and didn't talk to me hardly at all (which is very unlike him). After a couple of weeks of the silence, he admitted that he had snuck around and saw them twice. I asked him to stop and reminded him of the agreement we made and about my gut feeling. I also reminded him that he hardly see his other children either, if he wants to mend some fences, start with the ones he really knows. He said he can't stop seeing them because he promised them he wouldn't. But he also promised me that we were not going to deal with this!! Shortly after all of this I found out that he started a new email account that I do not have access to for emailing them. He says he wants to be honest and open about this so I did finally ask him about reading them (he said he kept some of them) and he told me that he deleted all of them. So I (right or wrong) found a way to see the emails even when he delets them. I now have seen some of the emails. He has joked around with the exgirlfriend saying things like "well now that I'm back your stuck with me forever" and he has sent her a couple emails that have nothing to do with the kid. "Just to wake her up in the morning with a smile." He has bad mouthed me to her - saying that I'm being cold-hearted, closed minded, selfish, jelous, and so on. Which I am being and feeling, but he does not have to tell her that!! And she has started sending what I call junk email. Stuff titles "Unconditional Love Stories" and other stuff. And she says "and about being stuck with you forever, I'm happy about that!! (And so is "the kid")." And now I have to decide whether I should let him go or not. I have been sick ever since finding out. I don't know if I am jelous more over the kid or the mom at this point. I just feel betrayed and threatened. I have talked to him about some possible rules to outline how this should all work, but he tells me I can't give him any restrictions. He has gone to their house now 3 out of the last 4 weekends. I have to be able to restrict some parts of this, can't I?? I said he could see this child once per month, but he refuses any restrictions. And I refuse to let him go whenever he wants. What should I do???

I would suggest that you read everything at marriage builders. Plan A, Plan B, Love busters etc. Then run to a marriage counselor fast.

Hang in there and keep posting. There are some people here who have much more knowledge than myself. Keep reading. {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

Wow. What a story. After 9 yrs. of NC, OW shows up. Does your H believe in MB? POJA? I would be very worried, and would start marriage counseling immediately. In no way should your H have contact with OW, and exclude you. You must be really hurting. What about the child of the marriage?

I agree with the above poster, read everything on this sight.

Good luck,

ember

No, you are most definitely NOT over reacting. Not only has he broken the NC agreement, but I'm sad to say he is having at the very least an EA (emotional affair), if not a PA (physical affair). The emails and their content are proof of an EA on their own.

I'm assuming he's paid CS all these years, so there was DNA confirmation the child was his, right, or am I wrong?

Read up everything you can on this site by clicking on the Q & A section found at the top of this site's home page.

Someone with more knowledge will be along soon to better help you.

Hang tight.

~ad

....Oh also, have you confronted him with the emails yet?

Some other thoughts...

He has no business making promises to her and the child. Your marriage promise supercedes everything!

Tell him ever so politely that you are coming with him on the visits. Since he's only visiting to see the child, right???? See what he says to that, his reaction should provide lots of answers for you.

I hate this story because it sounds like an affair in the making, which means that the beginning of an affair is very powerful and trying to stop them is like trying to stop a run-away train. You won't be able to stop this unless you go immediately into Plan B...absolutely no contact with your spouse. Plan A won't work at this stage because the "fog" is rolling in, rather than on it's way out, where Plan A is pretty effective. The fog is delusional thinking and usually brings with it cold and even hostile rejection towards the Betrayed Spouse. It's an ugly and heartwrenching time for you and your kids.

If your husband has started the predictable "bad-mouthing", then he is pursueing this affair and is all caught up in the romance of it through her (OW) encouragement. She isn't thinking of you or your kids and couldn't care less about any of you. Her mission/goal is to jump into this affair.

Right now he doesn't see her flaws...only yours. I remember when my husband first began his affair. He was cold and withdrawn and he looked at me as if I were no more than the cleaning lady that had the impertinence of demanding to know his personal business. Later, after D-day and when the fog had lifted, he sat filled with remorse while he told me how screwed up his thinking had been...that for a time he actually thought that his OW "was so much more" and that I was "so much less". Trust me, nothing could have been further from the truth. In fact, the reverse was true. But when they embark on their affair, they see things through their own needs for either ego gratification or to soothe their immature desires for validation. Sometimes they are just lacking in what they need and want at home and are too selfish to turn their energies into repairing or restoring the damage in the marriage. It's more exciting and romantic to get caught up into an illicit affair.

I look back on the beginnings of my husband's affair and wish I would have done things much differently and immediately pursued Plan B, but back then, I was too freaked out by what I was witnessing and had no idea how to handle it. I was too frightened and too weak and too desperate to do anything other than "cling". On the two seperate occasions where I put on false bravado and acted cavalierly like I didn't care a whit what he was doing, it really, really got his attention and he got nervous and suddenly got interested in me again.

It's such a crap shoot early on because you're afraid to make any move whatever for fear of doing the wrong thing and pushing him away forever. But the truth of it all is that nearly 90% of the Wayward Spouses return home within a year...faster if the OW becomes pregnant for some reason (shock, probably, slaps them back into the real world) but, no Betrayed Spouse wants that to happen for obvious reasons too many to mention here.

I am so very, very sorry you are facing this and I will pray for you and ask God to give you guidance in how you should handle this, comfort you through the months ahead and bless you with His wisdom.

Maintain your dignity, don't yell, don't accuse or name call. Try not to cry in front of him and start leaving and coming home without explanation. Be mysterious. This will distract his thinking away from OW and he'll find you really interesting and he'll be so busy wondering what YOU are up to, that maybe the allure of the idea of OW will fade into what it really is...a symptom of the problem.

Good luck

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

I just wanted to say thanks to all who have helped me. This is a really great site to be able to share personal feelings and thoughts and get great advice!! I confronted him last night very calmly and told him again of my feelings of being threatened. He actually started the talk by saying he was worried about me. He said he knows that I have not been sleeping well and he is sorry for what he is putting me through. He said he understands that this is extremely hard on me, but it is hard on him too. But he hasn't seen my blood pressure readings lately!! And he doesn't want to throw away everything we have worked so hard to build. He said he has been sick to his stomach all week because I told him that we would talk this coming weekend and he was just sure that I was going to ask him to leave. I then brought up the fact the I had thought of a list of restrictions that I felt very strongly about and if we are going to be able to work through this they have to be followed. We talked about it for a long time, and I tried to explain my gut feeling that the mother has other motives and that I feel very threatened by the fact that he has snuck to see them and has his so called private email to communicate with them. There was some sort of trust barrier broken by this and it takes a lot of time to regain it. Then we got into the details of the restrictions I wanted.
1) I asked him to slow down a bit on visiting his daughter, I know that he is not thrilled about only visiting his daughter 1 time per month, but I told him that I needed this at least in the beginning to ensure that her mother is on the up and up. And he can call and email his daughter as often as he or she wants. He has gone to their house 3 out of the last 4 weekends!! I told him he has jumped in with both feet and I am trying to pull one leg back out so that he can actually start slow for OUR sake. He was reluctant, but agreed eventually.
2) But the thing he was pretty defensive in the beginning about was me wanting him to keep ALL emails so that I can read them. He said that he has deleted all the emails he has received and sent, which I know is true, but I want him to start keeping them all. He kept saying there is nothing there to worry about and that he has never even thought about cheating, I said that I need to see for myself to hopefully not feel so threatened. And if I do feel threatened by some of the things said, I will let him know in the most civilized manner I can. We'll see if he actually keeps them or not (I can still know if he doesn't and what the deleted ones say if there are any). And if he does keep lying and deleting the mail he doesn't want me to read, well, I'll just deal with that if and when it comes.
Some of the other restrictions are that the mother can not ever go anywhere with him. He can take his daughter where ever he wants (whenever she decides to let him), but not her!! And he is not to give the mother any money for anything. He already pays $500.00 per month and she has a good job. I read an email from a week ago asking for help on some uncovered dental charges. He doesn't even have to carry dental insurance on her!! He just always has because he can.
So now we'll just wait and see how it goes. I am trying to deal with this the best I can, and I told him that it will not be easy and I may not always be nice about it, but I do not want to argue about this in front of our son. I am still not sure how this will all end up, but all in all, I think we are going to try to work on it. Again, thanks to all for helping me keep my sanity (what's left of it)!!

He said that he has deleted all the emails he has received and sent, which I know is true, but I want him to start keeping them all. He kept saying there is nothing there to worry about and that he has never even thought about cheating,
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Then why all the secrecy and hiding it? This is the oldest and dumbest defense in the book? Do these men actually realize what they are saying and how lame an excuse that is? I think they really don't right? the "fog".

Any way, good to set ground rules NOW and that you didn't lose your cool. Much better than me, but i'm learning too.

I hope this goes well. Your "restrictions" are NOT unreasonable @ all and don't let your H or any one else try and convince you they are.

A personal note: We jumped right into C w/ both feet when it started (when OC was 4 1/2 yo) and that was dumb. Better to take it slow so you can see just what OW really wants from all "this" and see how OW will react when C w/ OC means JUST OC and NOT OW. This would have saved us a lot of grief. Now we are in to deep to go back.

IMO (never humble) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

"Restrictions" sound like "martial law" and people tend to rebel when placed under that kind of scrutony. Boundaries work better because you are not telling him what he can and can not do...you are telling him what YOU are willing to accept and what you must reject.

Flip that around because the other sounds too disrespectful. These issues must be a "Policy" of JOINT agreement where you both enthusiastically agree together on how this situation should be handled. Try to compromise as best you can but watch out for disrespectful remarks and judgments and use the words "I" instead of "You". It might be more effective with less resistence.

Stay true to yourself. Good luck

It does sound funny all the things he has hidden from you. I'd be really carefull and watchfull. It wouldnt hurt to be sneaky for awhile untill you know for sure whats up really. If something is going on he will lie. They will lie about anything to save thier butts. I'm glad that you both have talked about it! Thats really positive! My husband dont want to talk about things so you are lucky there. Good luck with everything! I hope it all works out fine. Just Watch HER. You never know what people will do.