Laides just a little something I found to help us in our stand...

In Isaiah 64:4,5: Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who ACTS ON BEHALF OF THOSE WHO WAIT FOR HIM. YOU COME TO THE HELP OF THOSE WHO GLADLY DO RIGHT, WHO REMEMBER YOUR WAYS. (New International Version). A false god is one YOU have to carry; the true God carries you.

Now listen to the prophets sharp contrast beginning in verse 3:
Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, YOU WHOM I HAVE UPHELD SINCE YOU WERE CONCEIVED, AND HAVE CARRIED SINCE YOUR BIRTH.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I HAVE MADE YOU AND I WILL CARRY YOU; I WILL SUSTAIN YOU AND I WILL RESCUE YOU.

Waiting is an act of worship. It is the attitude of stillness in the presence of God. It is recognizing our inability and a determination to do nothing till we hear from Him.

Waiting on God means that we adjust our lives to Him; our time schedule to Him. We set our hope on Him and look to Him rather than to our own efforts or ingenuity.

When this situation in your family gets desperate, what is needed is not more effort on our part, but a deepening of our communion with Him, a more intense concentration of worship and fellowship. God Works for Those Who Work Righteousness and Remember His Ways.

God acts on behalf of those who gladly do right, those whose heart's delight is to obey Him and constantly call to remembrance all the wonderful things He has done for them in the past.

Remembering what God has done in the past will encourage us to believe He will not abandon us in the future. Remembering His goodness impels us to gladly obey His will. This is the kind of person on whose behalf God works.

BBG,

That's a great scripture. I am so glad that you posted it. I needed to hear a word from God and I think that you just provided it. Thank you so much for that. I hope that everything is going well with you today.

I hope that everything is going well for everyone today. Keep your heads up and know that God is with you and I am also. I know that I can only offer comfort and not much support because I am new to this situation myself, but I do want you all to know that I am with you.

Take care and keep in touch - talk to you all later.

JT

Check with you gals later--I'm at home now and I going to sleep until H picks up our son from daycare at 3:30pm.

A good nap should help--by the way AD or whoever said that about a "great cook" sometimes--have a hard time finging energy to cook dinner and enjoy it after working all day. Tonight I think it is soup and sandwiches.

JT2--I'm glad to hear it is going better and so proud of you for letting H take care of things--amazingly enough they can cope even though we tend not to believe that.

Albany,

You're right - H did a great job! Kids were happy and feed and believeit or not they were even still clean!!

JT

Sunny - I have a question for you. I read that recently your family found out about OC. How did you handle this? What was their reaction? I have not told my family about OC yet. I thought of waiting until DNA is proven. Maybe it won't be an issue - wishful thinking. I don't know though. Maybe I shouldn't wait. They may be more upset if they find out I have known since Feb. and didn't tell them. They have handled the news of A okay. They have been very supportive of me and want very much for M to survive. I am afraid that will change if they find out about OC. I couldn't handle not having their support anymore. I was really hoping H and I would be on the right track by now and that family could handle it better if they knew H was committed to M. However, that is still up in the air.

Any advice from anyone??

Thanks as always.

God Bless,
Kris

Well me and my family hadn't spoke a whole lot since H can back. I mean my dad, brother ect. I have spoke to my mom alot. First D moved in w/dad and her step mom asked her if she knew? So how did she know? I told my D, but she didn't tell. D said SM heard from B! Well he works in the same industry as me and H, and the lovely gift I got when I came back to work from a trip we took, well we gave everyone something to talk about. Of course H is an A$$, I am a saint and OW is phyco! Thats what everyone is saying. Well yes H can be and no I'm not a saint by no means, and OW can be phyco at times. Can't we all. I know I think about things but be the grace of God I do not let the devil take over!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really thought someone would say something by now, but NONE of my family has said anything? I don't know if mom knows, if she does she's waiting on me to tell her. Well like you I was waiting for the test, no since in starting issues w/ family if I don't have too. H family knows but I never said anything to but maybe three close friends and that was it. H had the honor of telling people he screwed up. And that is what he tells them. He didn't want it, but together we will deal w/it and sooo glad he has me, blah, blah. But noone has said anything, I keep waiting. Don't really know what I will say. More than likely will be the same answer that H gave. No one has to live w/H or me and no one can judge us for what we do, just God. He is H and OW judge, and like I have said before I will be judged on how I handled it, by the only person I care abouts judgement, God. I fight so hard everyday to try not to give the devil the pleasure that he is trying to be in my life. Somedays its harder than others. But you will notice, as I did, if I give the devil glory, then crap hits the pan and when I give God the glory for my family, friends, life, then he helps me in sooo many ways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Hows everyone !!!! AL, BBG.Kris. girlfriends we need an update!!!
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Nothing great here-H called Fri. afternoon, stopped and got meat at Costco and we BBQ. The evening was great and then after he left I was checking e-mail and he had response that is application for a job with his current co. had been received for a job in Boise--different state and 10hrs away.

Well that set me off and he was a jerk and told me he had gone and got file yourself divorce paperwork--well it went from their and how he hated to be around me and I was angry person--I let all my angry come out on Friday night that is true--basically he threw everthing back in my face.

I was stupid and pointed out to him that his actions and words do not match. I said why do you come around so much and he said to see our son. I said well if that is the case you could have had him all day on Thur. & Fri. instead of him going to daycare--H was off those days and I said you are welcome to take him to your apt. That of course just seemed to piss him off more.

Anyway so much for things going well--by the way he admitted yesterday that he hadn't gotten divorce papaerwork. I told him that I have about had it and maybe we should try no contact and he said that's fine it be a start for me for us being done--thank you again for being a jerk.

So last night he stopped by to unload wood which I told him not to bring anymore home since I was going to have deal with it all in the future--covering it etc. He was fine and we ate dinner.

This morning we talked and I just said that the person I use to know would fight to make this work and the person that I lived with again in November and December told me thaey would never leave and that they loved me and our son and no matter what happened with OW being with child he would make this work. I just told him that I knew that person still existed somewhere.

Oh yah he told me he was telling his parents on this trip and I find that interesting since he told me he already told them which I knew he hadn't but just a point of interest.

I think that if I hadn't reacted to the job thing he would have kept coming around and eventually realized or admitted to himself that he wasn't coming to see our son. I think I really screwed it up and I have been doing a strong PA since then and as of today I'm impletmenting 180's again--not talk of how things can be not I love you etc. I lost the ball and I need to get it back.

AD--I'm sorry I lost it and he right though I'm very angry now and I have been more angry with him ever since he left again. That anger comes from him telling me we would make it work and telling me he loves me and our family and this wasn't going to ruin it for us--him leaving after that hurt som much and it made me very angry because I trusted him and believed him. So yes I have some issues--only if something comes up about be done do we fight otherwise he is great and seems happy. He also told me he wasn't happy when he was back at home and I said well then you folled me, your family, my family, your friends and your IC.

Okay AD I'm ready for your scolding--by the way I'm thinking the moving back in questions wouldn't gone over well because then he would known that I could tell he was making baby steps back.

So what is everyone's thoughts??? HE leaves Wed, with our son to go to his parents again to see his brother. What is the best tactic between now and then to leave it the best possible between us and what should the long range plan be?????

Hello Ladies,

Well my weekend was the usual, I went out on Friday, came in late, H grilled me in the morning about it, I gave little or no details as usual. Sat. & Sun he disappears. I strayed from the 180's & stupidly sent him a text message, he didn't reply, that was at 3:30, he came in around 11, asking if I had a new phone & actually thought he was gonna get SF! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I (stupidly) asked why he didn't respond to my message, he gave me a dumb answer, then I went on to be more stupid & ask where he was all day, I LB'd told him to leave the bdrm. he refused, said it's his bed too. I told him he could take it w/ him & that I am tired of playing this sorry game w/ him. Of course this morning I get a message from him, kinda late don't cha think?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think I may move out of our bdrm. next week my anniversary present to him & me. I can't do this anymore.

Albany - I am not sure what to tell you, AD will have better advice I'm sure. I would have blown up too if I thought H was leaving town & not even going to discuss it w/ me, especially since you guys have a child. If it were me I think I would try to 180 until H leaves, no sense in being angry & letting him know you are, just be indifferent, but happy.

BBYG--so sorry to hear that--I think that moving out of the bedroom is the best thing.

Hopefully AD will have some insight/good advice. Yesterday he was fine and came over to unload more wood that he had gotten-which I had said not to-okay whatever. We talked and had a good time. I actually think that he is thinking and we got a long great--he is suppose to come by on his way to work tonight--I'm not sure why and the more I have thought about it the more I'm sure that he doesn't just come over to see our son as I said he could have our son when he has been off during the week instead of our son going to daycare and H picking him up early. He could also take our son over night or too his apt. for a while--it's not like I tell him that he has to keep him at our home.

Anyway I'm keeping my chin up and I will pray that for him to stay and I think that if I had to take a guess he won't tell his parents/family that he is done when he is over their this week--flying over on Wednesday.

Hope to here everyone's thoughts. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

albany~

I'm not going to scold you. I'm sick, and don't have the energy to scold, even if I wanted to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You were presented with a really big issue, nearly impossible not to LB.

You know what the goal is. I don't know how far or how close he is to saying he's ready to come back and commit. Maybe he needs to see more consistent Plan A behavior from you in order to get off the fence. So, as I've said before, continue on, doing the best Plan A you can, but don't beat yourself up everytime you LB. Just pick yourself up, and move on. Take each day, each moment as it comes. It's easier to do when you see things in small increments, rather than in big chunks of time. Let yourself be characterized by your Plan A behavior, so that an occasional LB or DJ isn't so noticeable.

I know you don't like it when I say this, but you cannot be in Plan A indefinitely. If he doesn't commit soon, you must move to Plan B. I'm sorry albany, but you don't want Plan A to make his cake eating easier, you want it to make him come to his senses.

Keep in mind, if you begin to LB more times than not, you risk leaving him sour before going to Plan B.

I know Plan B frightens you albany, but I see it as possibly being "just the ticket" in your particular case. If/when you near Plan B, you should go over to GQ...there are quite a few posters in Plan B over there who can provide you with many answers, and lots of support.


BBG~

I'm sorry to hear your latest developments. I know for sure I've asked this before, but is there anyway you can do a real Plan B? Get his butt out of there? Your statement, "I can't do this anymore" says it all. The love you have left for him, must be protected if there is to be any hope of reconciliation. He needs a wake up call too. He's eating the same selfish cake as albany's H.

Pulling for you ladies...always!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

AD~
Maybe I was wrong to point out that his actions and words do not match--but I don't think so. I think he thinks he is done and tells himself he is but he isn't with these types of action--i'm I right that he can spend time with son not at our house--nothing makes him come over to stay and what about how he assumed He was the one I was making dinner for.

Anyway I hope you feel better AD. Being sick just sucks--I think the fence sitting thing is strange based on his actions and I think that he was truly happy in Nov. & Dec.-- I think he says he wasn't as an excuse.

I would rather hear I"m not ready to go or come back instead of I'm done and have it be a lie. I did mention no seeing each other and not communication and his reply is that it will just be a good start for us being done--I think he might be surprised at his own reactions to a PB--he tries to be tough and say no contact would be just great for him. I may just have to test that on him.

hey Girls,

It must have been stupid Husband's weekend for everyone. I thought that I was the only one that had to LB or get in his s*** weekend. I was just infuriated, H spent the weekend at home with me and the kids, came in Sat night had had a drink H does not drink so when he came home all lovey dovey I knew and could smell it on him. So I then told him the only reason that he was even interested in SF was because he was tipsy.

H denied it and then away I went (*?!!#**) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Then I went to bed. H did not even make it to the bed he fell asleep on the couch. I did not even wake him. I got up just to see if he'd put our son to bed. Don't get me wrong he was not drunk, but was very relaxed. He had put his pj's on and put him to bed so I then went back to bed and left him there on the couch. Eventhough he looked very uncomfortable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The next morning early he came and got into bed about 7. He then perceeded to get SF, but I was still to angry. Then his cell rang at 8, he looked at it and said that he did not know who would be calling him from a private number - so he did not answer it of course.

I went completely bolistic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I got up and let my mind just run away with me. I LB's to the point of no return. I went and threw some of his personal belongings out and told him to get out!! I can not do this anymore. I might be the reason that he has not come home but I can't hide how I feel and I feel that he is not acknowledging my pain and hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We got into a trowing match and destroyed some items, and the kids got up in the process. I am going insane here and don't know how tio get past it. Maybe I just need to leave and not look back. I am only torturing myself.

Later that morning he was suppose to be packing up his things, but he did not he just cleaned up his part of the mess and took my son to the store with him. They were gone for a couple of hours so I had time to put the baby back down and clean up the mess. He called to see if I wanted breakfast like nothing had happened like everything was okay.

I just hung up the phone. I am beginning to think that I am the problem here ladies!! I am the one lashing out and being angry. I CAN"T LET IT GO!!! IT IS KILLING ME!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Last night he tried to make it up to me by getting some new CD's for my car. He even came upstairs for SF. Every time I look in his face all I see is the betrayal. I can't se anything but that. I went as far as to throw my wedding rings back at him and my Mother's day gift.

This is not going to work it is getting out of control. I need to tell my C about the incident and learn how to cope with it much better and calmer.

Help! Again!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I forgot to mention that I can never do more that 3 days of plan A before something happens. I still have yet to do a plan A. His major complaint is that I argue about it every single day. He can't live or relive it everyday is what he tells me.

BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!

JT2

I feel for you--but I know you can do a better PA for longer than three days--I only use to be able to do a few days at a time but I have gotten better--a week or more until I did big LB this weekend--lost it when H said he had gotten D papers--which was actually a lie so big fight just because he lied.

He leaves out of town on Wednesday and I think that I will leave him a letter to read--I will write it tonight and tomorrow night--Kind of a last effort to explain myself, feelings, etc and why it could work and be great.

Right now just PA and 180 stuff--you can do it too--I'm here for you--I know I thought things were going so good until Firday evening--like I said previously my H's actions and words do not match at all.

AD - I could put H out at the risk of him calling the police, since this is his legal residence I cannot legally throw him out, he may not cause a scene, I dont know. I think it may come to that though. Moving out of the bdrm. will shake him up I know, but you are right I am losing love for him based on his treatment of me. If I could stay w/ the 180's for a good month, that might help him see thru the fog, but things bother me so much like him not being around! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told him that I am tired of being lonely & I have a void & an emptiness I need filled, (same thing he said to me when I asked him why he had A), he got upset that I used his words, oh well I am telling the truth, what sense does it make to have an H that you hardly see & do nothing with! It is almost like he is trying to see how far he can push me before I snap. I almost started kicking him in the bed & telling him to get out, I was so mad, I hate to feel that way, but that is where I have let him take me. I also told him that payback is a b*%#h! I know it would prove nothing & make me no better than him but I could easily have an A myself, just to let him know how it feels, that would get his butt out for sure!
I got off work early & H was here we had a couple of words basically just about him taking care of a problem I am having w/ my car, so I am sure I be sleeping when he comes back home.

JT - I am sorry you had a bad weekend w/ H also. I know God won't put more on us than we can bear so if we got it, it means we can handle it, but I am not doing so well. I have thoughts running thru my head that are not of God, & it scares me. What are you going to do? I wish I could tell you something encouraging, but I am in a bad way today. Just keep praying, try not to look at what is going on around you & give your H to God, (when I learn to do it myself, I will share the secret).

I am praying for us all.

Thank You for your prayers!

JT

JT,

Anytime, I know we are not supposed to question God, but do you ever wonder why you are in this situation? I know I do, I believe everything happens for a reason, but I can't see any reason for this, it is almost like my H is punishing me continously as if the A, the baby & OW aren't enough, he then comes home when he didn't have to & continues to make my life miserable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't understand why it is so hard to be honest about what you want? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> H says he loves me & wants us to work but his actions say the opposite totally.

Do you feel that way too?

FIRST: I think it's time to retire this thread and start a new one. It's hard to keep track.....but anyway......


JT2: deep breathe. Everyone has the knock-down-drag-outs @ some point. It's natural. About your H behavior---keep in mind H are more rational and less emotional than us. My H has responded to our blow-outs in the same ways sometimes and I have come to appreciate him being able to be forgiving and putting it in perspective.

I think it was good that H acted like nothing and still even wanted SF. He is beginning to trust you (@ least my POV) that even after something like that, he's still there w/ you and risking rejection by initiating SF. Think of it that way.

Maybe you were over-reacting/maybe not but it sounds like after it all, H did NOT continue to over-react. Sometimes, you DO just have to let it go. Laugh about being so stupid and how you both let yourselves get carried away and then........go have some make-up sex. Send that passion in a better direction.

I swear, you sound just like me. Trying to be "good" and you're being so self-controlled and holding it in and it's so hard then finally you just boil over! Everything you've been trying so hard to hold in and then you get set off by something insignifigant than what the real issue is to begin w/!

Keep reminding yourself of the rational/real things in your life. Your marriage, your H love for you and your love for him, your kids that you have together. Those things are real and will last, your anger and pain will not.

Talk to your H, tell him your sorry if you can, and tell him that you know you over-react sometimes, are irrational sometimes but you appreciate his willingness to work with you through it all. Explain how hard it is for you and that you do want to be happy but your foundation is so shot now that sometimes you feel like you just don't know where you are anymore. Remind him (& yourself) that you do love him and you appreciate his patience w/ you.

Remind yourself of ALL the things you DO know for sure and try to not focus on all the uncertainties. Here's some for starters;

God loves you
God is w/ you
God KNEW this would all happen
God wants you to be married to your H
God wants to bless you
God chose your mate for you(even knowing this would happen)
You love your kids
Your kids need/want/deserve an intact home
Your H loves your kids
You can be unhappy and still have JOY

Read Jer. 29:11--again. There is a plan for you.

Hang in there and change your attitude! Remember the saying around here, Fake it till' you make it!

Go have some M-U-S!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't be afraid to emotionally reconnect w/ your H. SF may be very emotional right now and rightly so. LET H COMFORT YOU! Stop fighting it. Your H wants to re-connect w/ you too and SF is his way. Your H wants YOU JT2------no one else!

Maybe I am way off base here and correct me if I am. But you sound so much like me that I feel I can share w/ you what I have learned about H & I's relationship and help you to not make the same mistakes I have but maybe not. Hang in there.

Okay--maybe we do need to start a new thread but I'm not sure what we would refer to it as.

BBYG--you H is opposite of mine--your's says he cares but actions are far from supporting that and mine says he doesn't care yet actions scream that he does. Can we just shoot them be done with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No we love them too much

I have ordered three new books. Two are Dr. Laura--the one KT says is great--Proper Care & Fedding of Husbands, "Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships, "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work: A Transformational Approach to Creating Magical Relationships"Ariel Kane.

We all know the first one is good I will let you guys know--I won't have them for a week or two.

I'm so with you KT--I totally let my H have it Saturday morning--I let all the pent up anger out and boy oh boy did it flow out--of course then my H used that against me and said I needed to get help with my anger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> --they are so good at turning it back to us.

So tried of putting out all the work/effort maybe it is time for PB after he returns from visit to parents--he says no contact with him is fine but he never seems to be able to back up his words--we know he can talk the talk but can he walk the walk. I'm betting not as he was the one calling me all last week even though he is done.

Thanks KT,

You are right it is like you can read my mind and my heart. I appreciate everything that you have to say because it's like you are right there with me feeling what I am feeling. It is great to know that someone understands me and what I am going through ( not to slight anyone else on this thread - you've all helped tremendously).

I will try to keep the faith and will try some M-U-S. H is at H everynight with us, but H leaves and goes back to the hotel. I will try and Fake it until I make it!!

Please pray for me I am having a real difficult time with this.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
JT