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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can we just shoot them be done with it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a plan to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Will you buy the gun or shall I borrow my dad's LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I really think PB would work for you, your H doesn't want your marriage to be over or he would file & stop coming around unnecesarily. He could make arrangements to pick up your son & not see you. He is fence sitting like AD sitting, eating his cake & getting real full.

My H on the other is just tripping, sometimes I feel like he is only here for shelter.

Maybe we could call the new thread, "we need help before we lose our minds!" or "WH's/FWH's - can't live w/ them, can't shoot em! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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BBG,

Why would I start a PB if I have not even done a partialy good PA. I can't even get through three days of a good solid PA. H responds great to it but I let something small set me off evrytime.

Thanks anyway,

JT

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JT2--I think BBGY was referring to me

YOU still have time for PA.

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JT,

I see what KT means now, I wasn't telling you to PB, I meant Albany.

You haven't given PA long enough, I believe you will get to the point where you can go longer than 3 days, it takes time & patience. In your situation I wouldn't advise separation until you have done PA to death, maybe a good 6 months as Dr. Harley says, & if you get no results then PB.

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BBYG--I haven't made the 6 months yet I don't think--but mine is jerking my chain with actions and words not matching. SO I'm thinking that living totally without me for some time may really open his eyes as AD thinks also--He needs to know what is like to not have any access to me--who's he gonna call when he is sick or his having a bad day or if his Grandma you isn't doing well passes away. I think he doesn't have clue what it means to have someone who is willing repair the M after all of this--so many spouses would just be done.

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Albany,

I think you may be on the right track but be absolutely sure before you write that letter, being that he is already not living w/ you that should make it easier, I think it may have been KT who said long ago, what do you have to lose at this point? If you don't PB, H keeps playing games & hurting you, if you do PB & he files for D or doesn't respond then you part still loving him & him with good thoughts of you & YOU are on your way to healing & moving on. It is a risk but the alternative is to what - keep riding the roller coaster? I know you are tired of it, as am I, my position is not as easy as yours right now as far as PB goes though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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BBYG~I really want this to be a good letter--any thoughts of what/how to say it--I know you can't write it for me--it is just that I would like it to be an eye opener letter--but I don't want to sound whiney in it. I want to reach out and grab his heart and wrench it.

Any input would be great from all of you-sometimes others have a better way of putting something into words.

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

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Oh yes he just called to say he was stopping by on his way to work if that was alright. I said fine--but I bet it won't be alright with him if I start saying no--so out of character for me--he would sh!@.

BBYG--I tell you we can't live without them and we can't kill them--how unfortunate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

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Albany - In my opinion, you need to focus on the good things - your love for him, love for kids, needs of kids. Read KT's post to JT2. Alot of the things that she said there would be good for your letter. Sorry, I don't think I am much help.


I just LBed my H. Is there a full moon or something? Our H's are just nuts. Anyway, the OW's ultrasound is Wed. H told me tonight that he is thinking about going. I have told him before how I felt about that - obviously fell on deaf ears. H feels like he is not a part of prednacy - HELLO??? Should not even be a pregnacy - but seeing how he is not married to OW or living with OW - should he really expect to be part of it!! Sorry, but I let my anger show. Last night, H told me that OW said she has been talking to other man and is ready to move on. I say go for it woman and good luck to new man. However, I think she is trying to make H jealous again and get him on her side of the fence. I pointed this out to him. I asked him why he would want a woman who has to use jealousy and manipulation to win you over. My H is right - he is being an idiot. I then told him that if he is willing to break the hearts of his two BC for sake of OW/OC and he could live with himself - then go for it. If that's the type of relationship he wants while sacrificing his M and BC, then don't let me hold him back. He will be the one who lives with all the regret later. I honestly don't see how a M with OW will ever survive built on dishonesty and manipulation. Hey the sex must be great!! Sorry, I am just really angry right now.

Good luck Albany with your letter.

Talk to you all later tonight. I think I need to say a few extra prayers for some more strength and some for H so that he can clearly see what is really going on with OW. He is sacrificing so much for so little in return.


Kris

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Kris,

It is called FOG heavy duty FOG! My H went thru EVERY step of OW's pg. Of course he had never been thru this before so is was justified - NOT. I see no need for it at all, my reasoning is if you don't plan to be w/ OW after the birth for good, then why be there for the pg., especially when HELLO - you have a wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Keep praying Kris try to keep LB's to a minimum it is only natural to let them slip or all out blow up w/ them you are only human.

Albany - In my PBL I broke it up into 5 paragraphs;

1. Said I no longer want to live w/ H under the current circumstances, asked that he respect my feelings & leave asap.

2. Acknowledged the part I played in our M falling apart & how I made him feel.

3. Talked about the kind of M I still felt we could have including having his D be a part of OUR lives but that we both had to change.

4. Told him that I still love him & wanted to continue to be his wife but he must end contact w/ OW & make a sincere effort to commit to rebuilding our M.

5. Stated that I wanted no contact w/ him unitl he was ready to come home fully committed to me & our M & ready to work on our relationship. Told him that I am not giving up on us, but I can't do this alone, I have put it in God's hands & needed him to leave so I can have peace of mind. Asked that he would contact me if & when he was ready to come home & start real recovery.

Hope that helps you get started.

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THanks BBYG~I may not write letter for fear he will think it is a way clinging on or an act of desperation.


Of course he acted just great when he came by. I'll fill in on the details better later tonight after son is in bed.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see no need for it at all, my reasoning is if you don't plan to be w/ OW after the birth for good, then why be there for the pg., especially when HELLO - you have a wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BG - That is my major problem right now, H is still very much on the fence. He is not so sure he won't be with OW after birth of baby. Sometimes I think I am just a big ol road block to his happiness. It is really sad that H feels he has to give up a wonderful family that God has blessed him with for one that was developed out of lust and evil (for lack of a better word). It is just so frustrating because I want what is best for H, what God intended for us, and he continually chooses the path of temptation and sin. I feel totally helpless to stop H from ruining not only his life, but ours. I am helpless - God will do his best to stop this all from happening. The sad thing is that God gave us all a freewill to choose our path in life, and H is making all the wrong choices right now. I pray that God will open his eyes soon before it is all beyond repair.

Why can't our Hs just see the love we have for them? We are willing to stick by them and try to lead them back to the path God intended them to follow, but yet they are so easily swayed by the temptations before them. Why can't they see that OW don't offer them real love? If they really loved them, they would leave them alone in their M? The OW certainly are not concerned w/ our Hs souls - what kind of love is that? Selfish love!!

Sorry girls, just needed to vent a little. I don't think I really LBed that much. I even told H that I was getting angry and was walking away before I said anything else.

God Bless,
Kris

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KrisM~

Vent away--that is what we are here for. Well you could have my H who is on the fence about our marriage--I love you care for you but don't want to be marrid to you and oh yah don't forget that you are my best friend.

My H is very much done with OW--he has tried to make contact about DNA test after birth of child and her plan for child--does she want to sign away his rights etc or what--but she won't return a single call. By the way not sure if I mentioned but know your frustration with OW who do this to keep the man--both H & I are almost certain OW got pregnant on purpose.

I have decided not to write the letter to H--I think he will see it as clinging, not being strong, etc.

Update on visit tonight: He was jolly when he got here-made a funny remark about I see how you cleaned my saddle--I told him I would wipe up his saddle before he took on his trip to his parents to help out branding at feedlot. I thought how dare you who doesn't want to be married and isn't living in the same house--I said well you are leaving Wednesday and I said it would be done before then--then I said have I failed you before?? No answer--he really was joking when he said it but it kinda pissed me off if you know what I mean.

Next he proceeded to ask me what he should drive to the airport??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Hello you don't want to be my H but you are asking my advice on this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> --I told him what I would drive based on milage and gas costs and which vehicle you care the least about being in long term parking. He agreed--values my opinion yet I'm not good enough to want to stay married to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Next, we played with our son--the three of us. Our son cried non-stop when H said he had to leave for work <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . H asked why he was doing this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and I said because he loves it when we are with him together--he can tell the difference and he knows H isn't around like if everything was good. I proceeded to tell him that our son deserves us as a family and that we miss him and that I love him, to have a goodnight at work and to be safe and that our love is here for him. He said okay, nodded his head etc. He may be just doing all that to appease me instead of answering with I'm done because he knows that gets me fighting--sometimes I feel he just says okay so that there will be no arguement.

So my strategy before he leaves Wednesday is to be happy as a family when he is around and leave him with pleasant thoughts before he heads of with our son to see his family.

I guess the worst that can happen is that he tells his family that he is done which he has been telling me since he moved back out at the end of January--but no D or D papers yet and not acting as if getting a D. Even if he tells them doesn't necessarily mean he is done.

I guess that I'm resigned to the fact that if he tells them he is done then I will just give up-or I really should as a last effort so I know that I did everything in my power to save my marriage and keep my family together for my son and myself do PB--have nothing to lose by PB-either he comes back and it works or you have moved forward to proceed on your own and with the D as KTbunch states.

I have to keep reminding myself that God will see me through this and to trust God--sometimes I think this is a test by God because I have never been one of much faith and did not attend church growing up except for holidays--so maybe God is trying to tell me to let him take care of things--sometimes I think that I'm trying to hard and if I would just let it be- that it will take care of itself. So like I said maybe if I put my faith into God I wouldn't still be here with H on fence maybe I would be past that and on the road to rebuilding M.

I will tell you that I have come to believe that God definetly made me capable of forgiveness and he made a very strong women and that their is a reason I have endured all these things in my life that others haven't--that has kept me going lately--I use to alway ask why me, why can't I just have a normal life like every other person and now after joining this site I wonder how many others really are normal or not as they may not be what they appear to be which reminds me of AD's post about Do You Ever Wonder?? Yah all the time and at least I know I'm not alone--when I first found out about OW being pregnant I thought this can't happen to anyone else, it can't be common and of course it would happen to me and I'm in a lifetime movie or soap opera.

Well I'm rambling now so it is time to go.

Want an update on you guys tomorrow--Sunnydale, BBYG, JT2, KrisM, and AD

Also Ktbunch of you read this I'm anxious to hear about you counseling session with H and OW about OC.

I will say big prayer for all of us tonight--and hope God will give us each more strenght to endure this until we achieve our goal of rebuilding a marriage and keeping a family together as that is best I believe.

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Kris,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is just so frustrating because I want what is best for H, what God intended for us, and he continually chooses the path of temptation and sin. I feel totally helpless to stop H from ruining not only his life, but ours. I am helpless - God will do his best to stop this all from happening. The sad thing is that God gave us all a freewill to choose our path in life, and H is making all the wrong choices right now. I pray that God will open his eyes soon before it is all beyond repair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is my prayer also. I know the frustration you feel, it is like watching someone you love so deeply tear their life apart & you try to help them stop but they won't let you or listen to what you have to say, or even believe you care so much after what they have done to you. My H is a christian, raised in the chuch the whole 9, I know he is being deceived & blinded by demonic spirits - OW & his mummy too I believe. He has gone to church the last 2 Sundays, not w/ me but at this point any house of God is a good thing. His behavior has not changed yet of course, I feel impatient as I have been going thru this almost 2 yrs. now, I hate to have endured all this only to give up too soon, God's time is not like our time, yet I am afraid to hope this can still turn around, maybe I am living in denial, one day I want him gone a couple of days later I don't, I feel like I have some fight left in me. Kris I wish I could tell you it is gonna get better real soon but only God knows if & when he will turn our H's around.

Albany - Like I said only you know when you are ready to PB, don't make the choice out of anger, try to keep doing PA & maybe a little of the 180's until you feel like you see no change so it is time to move on. YOU will know when you have had enough.

Sunny how r u doing?

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albany~

If/when you go to Plan B, you MUST write him a Plan B letter. It is in NO way clingy. You will in essence be laying down the law. The letter is an essential part of going NC.

Don't forewarn him or in any way threaten that you may go NC...look where that got you when you mentioned it this weekend? He threatened, (once again), to be done...yeah right, where have I heard that before?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

albany, you need to call his bluff. Give him a taste of "done". I'm not sure how much more you can and should take of his indecisiveness. Plan B will give him a cause to once and for all make up his mind. Like BG suggested, for good or bad, you will have answers, no longer on the roller coaster. You will either move forward with him or without him, but you WILL move forward. Not only are you on a roller coaster, but it's going in circles, over and over and over again....

Before you write a letter, you will have to have a plan in place. You're already one step ahead with him living elsewhere. With your child involved, it's a little more complicated to figure out all the logistics of NC, but it CAN be accomplished. You only need the determination and the will to have your marriage restored.

Hope you are well.

PS. I believe I put an outline of a Plan B letter somewhere on this thread, a few pages back. Also, reading over on GQ will be invaluable...lots of people with first hand Plan B experience.

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

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Well of course he called at 6:40am this morning once he was home from work. Called to say he would transfer money today yet we dicussed that and reached that conclusion yesterday before he went to work. Then he told me he tired--long, busy night at work and asked how our son was doing.

I said okay and I said he really misses you being here an we nboth love you and he said I know--he chatted more about work and I told him I cleaned his saddle and needed to go so I could finish getting ready for work and he said okay I will see you tonight on my way too work.

What a surprise that he called--NOT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He actually seemed happy and I think it will be good for him to go be visit his family--both sisters live their-1 D and re-married other D twice and not re-married but with a good guy, and his brother is married. My H is the baby of the family. His brother will definetly not be pleased if he finds out H isn't living at home again--he thinks H has best thing he has ever had--anyway I'm feeling positive and I'm ready for PB yet and really think that I can at least accomplish sending H off with a good PA again and that I feel is important.

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