I am married man who has recently had the shock of his life. My wife and I have been married four years. Our biggest problem has been that I am not loving enough for her. Recently business took me away for 2 months, when I returned I found phonecalls to a number in california. I confronted her on the issue and she told me he was a freind she met at work. Two months go by and now my wife is pregnant, I was extatic, I have wanted a baby for a while. She has been crying and explained to me that this last month she had an affair with the same man ... we do not know who's child the baby is. Both myself and her OM want to be a part of the childs life, yet she does not know what she wants. To top things off we or I will be moving from here in 5 months...she thinks she wants to try seperation at this point. I want to be there when the baby is born, but I don't want to continue a marraige with a women who is unfaithfull. She claims she has to change for the baby, but I don't know, she loves passion. Any thougts.

snowcat,,,,,,,,,,,,, sorry to welcome you to our little group. i have some thoughts and questions but won't have time to write until tomorrow if i'm lucky.

just one quick comment. your marriage can survive this if you and your w are willing to work at it.

Just wanted to welcome you. Great advice and wisdom comes from everyone here and I can tell you that it can work but I'm a newbie and I'm trying to put my M back together with my H and I'm going to let some of the more experienced members ask you all the right questions and give you some advice.

Right now I'm more of a support person and feel some of the oldies (not age of course) could help at first the best and get things rolling for you.

Hopefully you will get some thoughts and words of wisdom and direction from Pops, KTbunch, LynnG and I think you would find conversing with Autumnday very helpful--she comes from the opposite side so to speak and might have some insight on your wife. Autumnday gives great advice for all of it and KT gives me so much strength trough her success and happiness that has held up to time.

Just remember we are all hear to listen--so vent away and tell us your story and we will help in anyway that we can.

It's hard to speak from the other POV. My H has OC from an A so for men, their children are more like "visitors" than w/ the wife where the child will be born into your home.

Anyway, I am sorry for this.

If you want to work on your marriage, then be assured that it can survive and be even better.

And something very important to remember, in MOST states, children born INTO the marriage are automatically and legally presumed to be a product OF the marriage (ie: from H). So right there, if OM thinks he wants to be a part of OC life and you and W decide that is not a good idea...he will have to work very hard to prove and get any rights to this child.

Others will be around to give you better advice. Pops is good and has the experience you are seeking to advise better and he is very level-headed.

Will you be moving away for work? I don't think it would be a very good idea to leave wife alone during this vulnerable time. You 2 should be together so you can actually work this out together.

Read EVERYTHING this site has to offer. The questionnaires, the POJA, Radical Honesty. It is also a good idea to start marriage counseling w/ a PRO-marraige counselor. I have heard that the Harley's are worth every penny and can give you good insight.

Breathe, eat properly and try to get out in the fresh air and excercise. It will help to keep your mind clear and focused. Don't make any rash decisions right now.

We are here for you. I am sorry for your pain and for what you are going through.

143,,,,,,,, i would say that the 1st thing that is in order is to try and find out asap if the baby is yours or om's. my advice of how to proceed depends on that and so many other factors.

if the baby is yours then the worst is behind you. your only considerations now become whether or not you can forgive your w. also it would be a good time to sit down and talk with her about fulfilling each others emotional needs. try taking the emotional needs questionaire on this site WITH your w as a starter.

be honest and open with each other (not angry or judgemental) and find out if the two of are willing to do what is neccesaruy to rebuild your marriage.

one important thing to remember is, as kt mentioned, a child born into a marriage is considered the product of the marriage UNLESS you or your w CHOOSES to contest it.

if the baby is not yours then things can get very confusing very quickly. remember that om has virtually no rights to stick his nose in your affairs.

now some questions. what is the age of you and your w? how long have you been together? do you LOVE her? does she LOVE you? i am assuming that the 2 of you have no other children together. if i am wrong how many and their ages? has your w gotten over the rush of the A or is she still entranced in the om? do you think it is possible for you to met your w's need for passion? if this is NOT your baby, why do you want to save your marriage since you have no kids together now and you have been together for such a relatively short time?

imho the need for passion is probably the biggest reason people fall into the clutches of A's. the newness of the marriage wears off and they constantly are bombarded withh passionate couples on the radio, tv, and at the movies. we still remember the feelings of the start of our relationship with our spouse but have no idea of how to regain that freshness. then, BAM, out of no where one person meets someone that is giving them the attention (fulfilling an unmet emotional need) they are missing and the rekindling of those old passionate feelings begin. only with the wrong person.

i think that if this is not your child then you moving away in 5 months will be the end of your marriage. the 2 of you need time TOGETHER not apart. either take your w with you or stay. even if it is your child for that matter separation will not be of any benefit at this time.

if you stay together and raise this child and the om is involved i can tell you that this is (again imho) the hardest of all roads to walk. it can be done but it will take an enormous amount of patience and understanding on your part AND on your w's part.

SC~

If it's important to you to know the DNA of the baby, then you should do it. I wouldn't however, do it, based solely on the om making C w/ OC noises, (other then to simply rule him out, and shut him up). As mentioned previously, in most states, you are considered the father because you were married at the time of conception. The om can try to contest paternity even if you do not, but it will be an uphill battle for him. If you and your W decide to raise this baby as your own, I wouldn't make anything easier on him.

There are so many good things about the state laws regarding paternity, as far as protecting the married couple and the child. However, you must also keep in mind the pitfalls. If you decide to raise this baby as your own, never contesting paternity, you will most likely always be responsible for the baby, even in the event of a divorce, years down the road. If you plan to love this child as if your own flesh and blood, this probably won't be a concern anyway.

I'm with pops, you need to ask yourself the questions he posed to you. If you decide you want your M, want to raise this child regardless of DNA, then just know it can be done, but not without a lot of work. You also need to ask yourself, can you raise this child in any situation, one being, alone with your wife, and another being, co-parenting with om? You need to keep in mind all the possible scenarios. Decide what you can, and cannot live with.

Your M can survive this, and be even better for it, but you both have to be on board. You both have to commit to the M. Your wife needs to make some decisions, which is probably difficult for her at the moment, if she's still in the "fog". If you want your marriage you need to do what you can to get her out of that fog and off the fence. As I've said to others before, it sucks that the BS usually has to do most of the work, but that's typically the reality of it all. It may just be you doing the work initially, but once she gets on board, she will have A LOT of work to do as well. Read up on Plan A. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to avoid separation. Plan A is nearly impossible in separation.

I strongly suggest you print out the Emotional Needs questionaire found on this site. Read thoroughly about all the EN's. Even if your W won't fill out the questionaire, you should do so. You say your W loves passion, right? You're one step ahead...you already know one of her EN's. There's no reason you can't be the source of her passion. If that's the only EN her om provided, I believe it can be easily overcome--by YOU!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Not much to add to all the great advise you've been given except to suggest that IF you do decide to save your marriage and raise the OC as your own, to please change to a job that doesn't take you away from your W for such long periods of time. Such long absences are poisonous to most marriages and can leave one spouse very lonely and vulnerable to an affair. I know it is hard to switch jobs in the current economic climate but unless you do then your marriage may not survive even if you and your W want it to.

Oh one more thing, unless we are talking about Plan B, separation WILL NOT, I repeat, WILL NOT help save your marriage. I say this because often the separation period is used by the WS as a way to continue having contact with the OP and thus the A(affair) continues unabated. So please think very carefully about the high risk to your marriage before agreeing to any trial separation.

Just a teensy, weensy, little OT butt in here, please forgive me snowcat...

Speaking of absences...where the hell have you been, TMCM??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You haven't been in Plan B with us over here at the P/C board, have you?

Hope all is well.

***edited to add--If you answer, maybe you should do so on my current thread. Don't want to threadjack this important thread.***

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by autumnday:
Speaking of absences...where the hell have you been, TMCM??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You haven't been in Plan B with us over here at the P/C board, have you?

Hope all is well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi AD.

I took a cruise through the Bermuda triangle and I just got back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Nah, everything is great at home with the women in my life (W and DDs) and with a brand new job that I had very little time left to come to the forums. Hopefully I won't disappear again. Hope everything is going great with you as well.

tmcm,,,,,,, so nice to see you up and about again.

ad,,,,,,,,, thanks for pointing that option out. i had over looked it.

sc,,,,,,,,, as ad said, if you are the type of person that can accept this child and love and raise it as your own without ever knowing or caring of its dna then that is a very good option. for me it had a lot to do with where i was in my life.

it sounds like this may or may not be an option as you said that om already wants to be a part of the baby's life. what is it that makes your w so sure that the baby is the om's?

I am very happy to have such a strong outturn of support and advice it is what I am looking for right now. Here is some more information I have been married for four years and am 27 my wife is in her early 30's. Up until now our marraige has remained pretty constant and we do not fight alot. What I attest to being part of the problem is environment. My W still hangs out with her S freinds and most of them have been unfaithful, she also likes to drink and go to bars. We have no mutual friends. I saw this along time ago, but when we spoke of it we did not beleive that environment would be much of a factor then. Part of the reason I want to make this M work is my strong beleifs in family and my knowledge that my W had approached me with her Emotional needs several times before. Now I stand at a crossroad. My W states that because of the child she will stop the bars and some of her friendships as she does not want to raise a child this way. I am trying to give her more emotional support that I was not providing before. But as I said before my job keeps us moving and takes me away for periods of time...I cannot leave my job as I work for the government, and it is not a job you can leave. So that option is out. We do not know whos the baby is and I do not know if I want a paternity test done once the baby is born. My reason for this is if we decide to make our marraige work then we would have to inform the baby if I was not the father, if we do not know who the father is, then we can assume it is me an not have to tell our C or our families of the A. But we both refuse to find out and then lie about it. I have always beleived that a M is for life, "till death do us part", this is another one of my difficulties. Another major problem that I am sure will pass in time is my upsetting dreams of my W and her OM together. Not to mention as was mentioned before the "FOG" my W has as to what to do. Because of some thing I said when she first told me, "Go get an abortion", she has a hard time beleiving in me. Her OM claims that he is going to leave his M but is having a hard time because although he does not love his wife he has 2 C. My W has also stated that she does not want to be with him, but she does want to stay in touch with him in case I leave her and the C is his she can claim child support from him or I. My thought is to stay with her at least another few Mos to see if things improve or worsen, before I decide.

A few more things to put the problems directly.

I don't know if I can trust her (given my line of work) but I am willing to raise the C given that we say I am the father and that I can treat the C as my own. There is more than just blood and DNA when looking at a father.

She doesn't beleive that I am the father of the C and that I should not be held responsible for the C nor should I be given the rights as the Father if I truely am not. In other words she does not know if she can trust me to be a good Father.

(again this causes a problem because I become upset that it sounds as though I have done something wrong to make her loose trust in me)

I really think your marriage can survive if you and your wife make it a commitment. I am a FWS and had twins with a MM. I think it is great that you are willing to raise a child that could be someone else's. What is one good thing about babies is they take 9 months usually to get here...that gives you a lot of time to work on your marriage and focus on that. But at the same time of course your W will want to see you involved with the pregnancy and show concern if she is to believe you will be there for her and this child regardless of paternity. We knew there was no possible way it was my H babies from the begining so we knew what we were dealing with from the begining.
I kind of agree with your wife in that I am not sure it is a good idea for you to list yourself on the BC if you don't know forsure it is your baby. I struggled with this too. My H wanted to be on the BC. I didn't want it for a handful of reasons. I wasn't sure our marriage would make it...I didn't want H to have to pay CS on two babies that weren't his if our marriage broke up soon after they were born, I believe a person should have the truth in their real parentage on and on. But I knew if I left the BC blank as for the father I had time to figure out the correct thing with time. Babies are almost 2 and the BC is still blank. But XMM will be put as the father and pay CS in my case...but the babies have my H last name and it will remain that way. My H loves the children as his own...he is truly great with them. We came to the decision together on what was best. You should steer your W here so she can get feedback from people that have been in her situation too-it really helps.
I am sure you have the strength to love this child as yours regardless of paternity.

sc,,,,, the dna testing should only be avoided if you don't think you could raise tis child should it prove to be om's. because you and your w know the truth doesn't mean that anyone else has to be privy to that information.

whether you know the true dna of the baby or not has nothing to do with hiding or as you said lieing to the family about the A.

as the child gets older it would probably be best for all involved (you, your w and the child to know the truth).

i also believe that marriage is for life but would have probably divorced fh (fullhouse) had it not ben for our kids. they were to young to deal with that imo since i had already raised one son in 2 homes. i do believe that there is something in the Bible about adultry being the only out of your marriage vows.

the words "go get an abortion" were similarly spoken in this house on our d-day and many times after. i still think it would have been the best solution but wouldn't trade grace for the world now. that is a normal 1st reaction i think from most any h put into this situation.

what the om claims to be happening in his marriage has nothing to do with your w and you. in fact she should not even be talking to him at all. she has told you that she doesn't want to make a life with him so why on earth is she keeping in contact with him? she may be sure in her mind that the baby is his ( and i say what makes her so sure?) but until a dna test is done then no one, and i mean no one knows for certain.

if she is hanging on to him and you to make sure that someone pays cs. then you need to find out what her true feeelings are towards you and your marriage.

on the visuals you are experiencing about your w and om they will fade in time. i had the same thing for about 6 months to a year after fh committed back to our marriage. they fade with time and for me the more fh meets my need for affirmation the less they are here. but they still raise their head every now and then. just last week we had the oportunity to meet back home for lunch in an empty house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> imagine that me and her alone in the house without any kids. after a very intimate time i had these visions of her and om. just came out of the blue. i had to refocus and things were fine.