Hello ladies,

AD ~ glad to see you around, hope you are feeling better.

Kris ~ glad you had a good weekend w/ H, looks like things are looking up!

Sunny, JT2, LMF how were your weekends? I hope all is well.

Well for my update H & I had a long talk yesterday, I did LB a bit but we did agree that right now we have to focus on each other, not his mom or how my parents feel, his daughter coming over - none of that, just me & him for right now, stop focusing on past mistakes & concentrate on our present & future. We went out to see a movie, then came home and talked some more.

I pray he is sincere in his new found effort to really begin recovery in our M. Our 8th wedding anniversary is tomorrow & we have plans to go out to dinner, we don't exchange gifts but I did buy a card for him & I am wrting a little note telling him how excited I am about our new beginning, (8 means new beginnings.) I guess I am going to try to do a real Plan A now. I am not fooling myself into thinking he is gonna do a overnite turnaround, he can be very stubborn - but so can I!

BBYG~

That sounds great.

Would love an update from the rest of you also!

Thanks Albany,

I am proceeding with great caution here, cuz I feel like I can't get my hopes up too high. He knows I am at the end of my rope. So maybe he is seeing the light?

I don't know what to think about your H being worried about your parents knowing, other than he has to know it would be easier to play the "I want you back / No, I am done" game without your parents knowing. My parents have no idea what has gone on this last year, if they did they would hit the roof, they never wanted me to take him back the 1st time much less the 2nd!

Plan B may be his wake up call, if nothing else you need to do it for you & your peace of mind.

I would be guarded also with my hopes and feelings, etc.

Interesting that he may be seeing the light.

What do you think about H wanting to make sure my dad knew he told me along time ago?

You know I really think that my H loves me but can't admit for everything that has happened etc. and that he feels it is easier to run or why else come back when you know she is pregnant ( remember though she told hime she would have abortion) and then only to leave when you realize it is going away and it will have to be faced--I really think that he is was scared of my parents knowing and everyone else.

I will say a little pray for you BBGY--I hope it is on the road to recovery.

You know when the sh@@ gets deep w/OW & OC who H will lean on even if we are supposedly getting a D.

I need prayers & lots of them, I have read here that it takes at least 2 yrrs. before real recovery starts, if that mean 2 yrs. from DDay, I am well on my way? If it is 2 yrs. from the time he came home, Oh Lord help me! He doens't trust that I can move on from his A, I can't blame him since I do tend to LB about it when upset but I know that it has to stop & I will if I see effort from him.

It seems to me that your H knows that having your parents know about his A & OC on the way will give you the support that you don't have right now & possibly lead you to make a FINAL decision that YOU ARE DONE & you begin D. He doesn't want that, why they feel they need to play these games I will never know, I know mine does all the time, but when you have had enough you will know.

Hey everyone!!! Weekend was great. We ran and played all weekend and had a great time. This coming weekend will be a good one also. 3 days for livin, lovin, and fun!! H is really doing good right now, no LB's on mine or his part. We are just talking about visitations and stuff. But just talk nothing set yet. I told him what the state laws are and we are going from there. I still take it day by day and see what happens. I hope everyones day has been good.
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Would you all like to take bets of if H calls tonight??? I bet not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . All I have to say is that my H is a dumb*** not to take my support in all this and to walk away--I'm sure it will be a good battle alone--let's see pay child support to me and battle a D and battle OW for C or N/C and CS. That seems like aroughter road to travel to me then to stay and try and make your M work with the support of your wife in the OW/OC issue.

But what I'm I but a the wife you apparently knows nothing--I can't even figure out that H comes around more than just seeing our son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sure he won't like it tonight when I'm very distant.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good evening and I would like to hear everyone's updates.

Okay girls~

BBYG, JT2, KrisM--haven't heard any thing from you guys today.

AD and KTbunch hope all is well.

The update for me which isn't nearly as important as LMF's situation right now.

Of course he called <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> good thing you guys didn't bet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He called at a little after six-didn't hear the phone because I was mowning the lawn. Our son was playing on our deck and heard my cell phone so he went and got it and brought it outside.

H called again and I answered--he said that he was going to his place to take a shower and then he was going to come over to get some dress shoes to wear to the hearing he has today for work and union thing. I said fine--he didn't like the fact that I didn't sound all that enthuastic. He said well can't come get them and I said-fine with me.

He hadn't came by 7:30 I left and went and watched my mom ride etc. He finally called-had actually almost hit a homeless guy that ran in front of him that was high as a kite and police came and hauled the guy off.

He was all cheery and great and I told him gold luck tomorrow and he gave me a hug and said he was trying to get through the stuff today and he hadn't had time to think about anything else which I know is true but he better start thinking. I sent him on his way and that is that for now.

Hello,

I haven't posted here today since I was concerned about Luv too. I hope she is ok.

H & I are supposed to go out to dinner still this evening, he wasn't real solid w/ details cuz of his work schedule, I have decided that whatever happens I will not LB, will not get mad, just don't have the energy. I have decided that if H & don't make it out I am going to happy hr. & have an anniversary drink for myself, I owe myself that much for sticking it out this long, I know many that would have walked away & not looked back on DDay. We had a good morning at least. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I still have a card to give him w/ the little note in it about the good times & how I hope & pray WE can start to work on our M first & then resolve other issues, so we will see.

Hey girls,

Luv is going through my biggest fear right now. I am at a lost for words. I will not be subject to that type of situation. I think it is best for me to cut my losses now. I am already hurt over the whole situation and I know that I will not be able to endure that.

My H called this morning as I was reading Luv's story and I started to read it to him. H was in a good mood until I read the post to him on the phone. I do not want to go through this. H cut me off and said that he did not want to hear that or talk about it right now. I said you asked me how I was doing but never want to hear exactly how I am.

I beleive that I am going to end my frustrations and just do it get a D!! I do not want to be in this situation with H or anyone for that matter. I do not see things getting any better am afraid of the worst. I do not see me waiting for H to come around after all he is the reason we are in this mess!!

I do not want to married like this any longer. If the alternative is being by myself with our kids then so be it.

Luv is experiencing my greatest fear of all and I can't breathe just thinking about it!!

I am so sorry for her! I hope she knows that she is loved!!

I am Lost and see no future for this marriage at this point. I can not help but expect the worst. Everyday is almost a battle to keep my sanity, I don't want to be in this situation any longer - not one second!!

JT

JT,

Try to hang in there, maybe do Plan B & let H see what life would be like without contact w/ you. Don't jump & file for a divorce, you may rush into a decision that you are making out of anger & frustration, I know I have said this to you before, but you need to make sure you have done EVERYTHING you can before you walk away, then you will have no regrets. I know exactly the pain that Luv is in, I wouldn't wish it on anyone not even OW, although she deserves as good as she dished out & more.

Don't let exhaustion, fear & frustration take over your ability to make rational decisons this is what the enemy wants. My advice to you is to keep praying, get your legal affairs in order & do Plan B if you can't do contact w H right now.

Don't give up girl!

JT - Please don't make any rash decisions. I agree with BG - try plan b first. You never know how you or your H will handle the birth of OC. Right now, I don't think it would be any easier going through it divorced or married. It will still drive you crazy if you are D and H is there. Just make sure you are positive what you want. Ending your M is a major decision - don't take it lightly and have regrets later. Hang in there - you are tough and can handle all of this.


Now for my update. H managed to screw things up again. Every time I think things are looking up for us, I find another lie or omission. I saw on the bank records another charge for restaurant - one that I didn't go to with H. I confronted him about this last night. This happened a week ago - before our wonderful Sat. At first he said that they met to discuss upcoming ultrasound. I told him that was a really lame excuse. There is nothing to discuss about an ultrasound - especially since he should have never been there. He stood there silently when I said that. I spoke my mind and he had nothing to say. I asked him to leave, which he promptly did. He emailed me later in the evening to say OW wanted to meet to see if he had made any decisions yet. Of course he had to go running to meet her. This just makes me second guess everything over the past few weeks. How many times does this have to happen? I am getting really numb to the whole thing - not even too emotional. Just really tired of it all and wondering how much I am suppose to endure. How many times do I get my hopes up, only to be disappointed again? I am really struggling with this because I truly believe that God would want me to stand up and fight for my M - I feel that is the best thing to do, the right thing to do. But how many times do I have to be hurt? Would God want me to continue to face this pain? I have no answers.

I am suppose to visit my sister's family over the long weekend. I am not so sure I even want to go anymore. I don't think I can trust H while I am gone, but yet I obviously can't trust him when I am home. What's the difference?

Talk to you all later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How many times do I get my hopes up, only to be disappointed again? I am really struggling with this because I truly believe that God would want me to stand up and fight for my M - I feel that is the best thing to do, the right thing to do. But how many times do I have to be hurt? Would God want me to continue to face this pain? I have no answers. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kris I know it is hard but try to remember God's time is not our time, we have to learn to be still & wait sometimes, believe me I feel the same way, how long do I stay in this M seeing little or no results, then I think just because I can't see what God is doing doesn't mean he isn't working it out for my good! I don't know if this is helping you are not, but I borrowed this from Pastor Doreen I know we ALL need this encouragement;

Learn to focus on the Lord rather than the problems in your lives.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, we should endeavor to trust. Instead of despairing we must hang on with confidence. Instead of playing the problem over again and again in our head, we should recount the character of God and rest in His sufficiency.

We must seek to live faithfully. Sometimes God allows the trials to get us moving. He may want to move us away from something or towards
something. Sometimes He puts us through a test to deepen our character. Sometimes we go through tough times because that test is a stage on which to testify of God's mercy and love. Trust the Lord, will you?

Hope you are having a blessed day.

Hello ladies! I have been trying to catch up here but boy these threads get long SO quickly.
BIG ((( HUG ))) to you all.

I am so sorry for all the pain here... I remember in February when H's OC was born.. I thought I was ok.. knew it was coming and wasn't too worried... thought I was fine and BAM we got a call from H's sister and I LOST IT. I actually picked up a plate and threw it at H's head. Didn't mean to, didn't think about it- it just happened so quickly I barely remember it. It all comes rushing back and the reality that you thought you had faced-- really hits you. Since then, my recovery w/H took a nose dive. Yes it was my fault at this point, cause I became unmanagable and irrational because I could not conrtol my emotions. He could not handle me having all this fresh pain again and he began to resent me for it... he had no more patience I suppose. Should have been more understanding but we all know they just don't have enough for this raw pain.

SO... here I am seperated again from/H... I found a lovely home that I decided I would rent and possibly purchase for myself and my son. I no longer wanted to be held back in any way by this pain and M. I have been down for so long. H was so upset when he found my documents for the house, he left and that was about 1 month ago. He wanted me to chase him but I let him go- I want to move forward and prosper again like a living "breathing" human being!

Well... now I am partially moved in and H and I have been "seeing" and talking to one another on pretty decent terms. He saw the house this week and cryed and cryed about how sad he is and how every room is "me" with no trace of him. I do feel sad and empty when I am in the new house painting, fixing and fussing with things-- this was what we were to do together! One half of me wants to say please come w/me! And the other half wants my sanity, my life, a clear head, a new life! I am definitely in limbo land STILL-- but at lease I know I did something to move forward in MY life.

I wanted mostly to pop in to say that for everyone here who is dealing w the pain of your hurtful, wishy-washy H and the OW in his life still (complete utter nightmare)---- what is left of my heart goes out to you. I don't know how ever you are still standing. You all are SO much stronger than you realize... so much more durable that I feel I have ever been. I cannot control LBing, ever... I cannot follow any of the principals you all try to... I just want you to know how strong you are. You ladies have endured more for your families than most could, and that God WILL reward you for your strength, perserverence and your faith. I know you feel like doormats, weak, defeated, and I do to, but you are NOT- you are admirable women who are being put through a war and are on the front lines fighting a fight that many could not.

Oh, and I wanted to add that H had his first CS hearing a few days ago. I am proud to say that I did not feel I needed or wanted to go.. that I did not stress while he was there, that I did not let it comsume me and I didn't worry if he talked to her, etc.

I asked him how it went, he said he had to go back in 30 days when DNA was done.... asked if she was hostile.. he said not too much, she just asked him why he doesn't want to see his daughter..etc. and I asked no more. I did not want to go because I do not know what she looks like cept from others descriptions and I like it that way. This made me feel that I have made SOME progress in moving to the sane world by not letting her or OC or any of these issues enter my world now. One small victory for *me* I suppose?

G123,

You are strong also, even if you don't feel it, it takes a strong woman to even TRY to work at saving their M after this kind of trial, a weak woman would walk or run away upon DDay w/o a 2nd thought, you didn't so don't sell yourself short.

If you couldn't or chose not to handle it than so be it, everyone is different, doesn't make you weak. what are you planning to do now, Plan B, D? Whatever path you chose make sure you can do it w/ regrets or what ifs?

G123--I'm with BBYG--go for it-you are still strong and maybe as she said this will be PB and a complete wake up call for H--maybe a D or maybe not if you want that. Sometimes men really have to lose something to realize how valuable it is. Unfortnately they usually push us by that time to the point of no return.

It was great to hear from you.

JT2~please hang in there--I have been where you are several times on this board while posting and think that i'm done and then after a while of venting on this board, getting encouragement from this board, and some rest I have picked up again. So please hang in there.

KrisM~tell me why they do this stupid sh!@? I'm with you it makes you wonder but hang in there--get away and don't contact H while you are gone. Let him live completely alone for a few days.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

Not much update here ladies.

H called yesterday and he asked how I was and I said a little grouchy. He asked why and I replied because I'm annoyed with how much OW can get from him because she is a dead beat. He asked if we needed to legal sep. and start CS for our son and I said it doesn't make difference in Oregon and if we did in fact part ways he would want to change org. amount to our son I'm sure based upon him paying for/having another dependent child which would decrease our son's CS by 75 dollars.

We threw around some numbers he would have to pay her based on C or N/C and then I reminded him it was his decision but he must think about the havoc she could cause him, our son , or us. He said true and then he said he would need to get an atty. and I asked for what--and he said for dealing with OW and OC. Nothing about us. DIDn't aske again and think things may be a bit better then they were--at least he didn't say let hurry up do a D to start CS for son.

So not all bad I guess.

AD, are your lurking?

Have a great day everyone--I'll be lurking all day.

Well here is my great anniversary update, I didn't feel so hot after work told H don't worry about going out, lets have take out for dinner, he came home w/ a headache so the evening was pretty non-eventful. I did give him the card & he got a little upset that I got him something, it was only a cheap card!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I think that was guilt. He read the note I put in the card which basically just said mushy stuff & that I wanted this 8th anniversary to be a new start for us getting back to OUR relationship first & then deal w/ his daughter. He said he wanted the same things & that we both have a lot to work on. I agreed. This morning I asked if we could make up for not going out yesterday this Sunday & he said he'd let me know. That kinda ticked me off, I wanted to hear a definite YES. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I didn't LB like I normally would have but it didn't sit well just the same.

I know things are not going to change overnite but I still feel like HE is not ready to do any work even though he says he is. I dont' have a whole lot of energy left, how can I make him see, w/o LBing that it is now or never? He has got to put up or shut up & be gone. I am not superwoman, I tell him that all the time. Any thoughts, anyone?????