Well we go to court next Monday. Tried to work things out before hand with the OW. But she backed out at the last minute. Don't know exactly what is up.
Talked to the AG's office and we might get alot more visitation than we initially thought. My H and I were talking tonight about what do we say to people when we start having her for weekends? How did some of y'all handle it? How honest should you be? My kids know the truth... My Mom actually told me I should lie and say the kid is my sister's. I couldn't do that!

Hey, I haven't been to court yet ours will be here in a few more months. But honestly I would not lie to people, because I feel everything comes out one way or the other. And If you tell people the truth, then there is nothing to hide and live your life w/ lies. The lies to me should be over and done with. If your going to do contact, then you should be honest about it. Pople will think whatever they want. This is your family and you did and are doing what is best for you and yours. In my case all of our friends and most of the family knows, and we are going w/ C and the OC will be a "additional" part of our family. Wish you luck at court. How is the OW acting? Is she working to make this contact work? Or is she fighting you.?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

The OW hasn't lived up to one thing. I am not slamming her but she agrees to one thing and then backs out at the last minute. She is married with 2 other kids. So maybe her H is running the show. Who knows?
My H and I have bent over backwards to find some way for us to agree. She says it's not about money. I think she doesn't want me involved.

Well things she should have thought about. Have you had the DNA done yet? Just like our xOW she doesn't really want me involved but she will just have to get use to the idea. Just like I did her. Hello I'm the step mommie. My H has ever right to see his child and so do I. I have never done or said one cross thing to this woman, the attorney said for me to be "nice". Because she can say she feels the child may be in danger. I think this is another "stunt" that STOW pull to get H closer to her and us pushed out of the triangle. Sorry this is a triangle that I didn't ask to be in, the OW chose to be it and create w/ H so HELLO I'M HERE and have just as much right as she and H do. If not more. If she was M then she should have been w/.her H and wouldn't have to worry about all of it. Her H is pitching a fit too, I bet. But Oh well. DO what is right in your heart and let God take care of the rest.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Most people won't ask. Close friends and famiky usually already know the truth.

In this day & age, w/ divorce & 'blended families' so prevalent, people just assume that's what it is, if anything.

We don't say anything to people we just meet. So I get a lot of, "oh you look great for 4 kids!" And I cringe a little inside but.....eventually, if 'friends' become 'close friends' then I explain it.

I am straight forward & honest & I point out how far H & I have come in our marriage & spiritual lives & then people are just blown away.

Better that it comes from you so you can tell them your POV (the positives ie: that your still married).

I don't surgar coat it, by no means. But I do 'accentuate' the positive.

Most of our friends are Christians so they really understand the 'spiritual' aspect of it and are impressed, I guess.

Those that aren't close don't need to know anything and we don't say anything and if there is a question they can ask. If they feel comfortable enough to ask, then I'd probably feel comfortable enough to tell them.

If it's just me, I say I have 3 kids, when H & I are together we say we have 4 kids.

But really, now a days, most people won't even blink about it.

I have already tried out the "step daughter" with an old acquaintance. The look on his face was priceless. My H and I have been married 15 years so the "step" won't really work.
You're right KT. People will ask if they feel comfortable.
Do you get the comments from other women? Like,"You're a better woman than me!" "I'd kill my husband!!!"
These are comments from people who know us. I don't know whether to think they are compliments or if they are putting me down.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sunnydale:
[QB]Have you had the DNA done yet?
Did the DNA 3 weeks after we found out about OC. Paid for it ourselves and it took the clinic a week of coaching to get her in to take it.
I don't know why she even told us. She doesn't want us to have the child. She says it is not about money.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're a better woman than me!" "I'd kill my husband!!!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got those comments all the time, matter of fact I used to say them myself, never thinking I'd eat those words.

I told my family & close friends as soon as I knew, I threw him out so I really had no choice, plus H's mom knew, she has a BIG mouth & was really pround of her new granddaughter being born.

Only one so called friend didn't support my decision to fight for my M, so guess what - we don't talk anymore. My parents aren't happy about it but we just agree to disagree & don't discuss the situaiton. I see no reason to tell everybody but certain people need to know, why lie about it, especially if you plan to have contact.

What does OW in your life want, other than to keep you out of OC's life, it really ticks me off that these "women" expect us (step mothers) to fall off the face of the earth & keep OC away from us but still expect our H's to be in OC's life as much as possible like they are single men. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Entwife:
<strong> I have already tried out the "step daughter" with an old acquaintance. The look on his face was priceless. My H and I have been married 15 years so the "step" won't really work.
You're right KT. People will ask if they feel comfortable.
Do you get the comments from other women? Like,"You're a better woman than me!" "I'd kill my husband!!!"
These are comments from people who know us. I don't know whether to think they are compliments or if they are putting me down. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do get some comments like that. Most of our friends are a bit more realsitic than to say what they would do in that situation. They just encourage me and say they don't know what they would do or how they would handle it and they do try to tell me how great I am, what a strong woman, I'm dealing w/ it so well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ect. stuff like that.

We have been married over 11.5 years so the 'step' word takes some getting used to, but I only use it around aquaintances & they probably don't realize how long we've been married.

And oldest child is so much older than the rest (& is like a mini-male-me) so they probably think he's from a different relationship or that we weren't married when we had him or something like that.

It's hardest for him (oldest son) to explain it. Some insensitive (or maybe just immature) people have tried to ask him about it (when H & I were not around). He never knows how to explain it. Had to teach him to say, ASK MY PARENTS!!!!!!! Some people are just idiots!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
People who look shocked or something, I give them the "reader's digest" version (w/ a smile of course!) "OC's 6, we've been married over 11 years, you do the math!" Then I just leave them to pick up their own jaws!LOL

But really, the people YOU care about and that care about you, will understand. They will take their cues from you. If you & H are 'ok' & 'secure' they will feel ok & secure around you too. If you treat OC just like the rest, others will do the same & not even miss a beat.
*******
*******
Why fight OW on this if she is married & OC will have a stable father figure? Just wondering.

kt,
Part of the problem is that the OW and H have separated and come very close to divorce over the years they have been married. My H and I decided the best thing for now is to try to have a relationship with OC. But the OC is going to make it hell for us. H and I have agreed we weren't going to drain out pocketbooks and savings over this. We would do our best and wait till OC is 3 when the laws would favor us having more contact. I honestly wish we could raise her. This woman and her husband live in a 2 bedroom house with 4 kids.
I am just a nervous wreck these past couple of days. Court hearing is on Monday and we have to drive 350 miles. I think I picked a bad week to try to quit smoking. OH well...

STOW = ????

I've gotten the comments, too. And I am SICK TO DEATH of hearing, "you're so strong." If I hear that one more time, I'm gonna run screaming for the hills peeling my clothes off, never to be seen again (wouldn't OW love that?). The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that if I go, then I KNOW OW would try to dig her claws in again, and I don't want that tart raising my kids.

Both OC visit our house. Someday, I'm sure we're going to go for custody of them simply because they are so much better off with us - emotionally and physically. My two at home love their siblings so much (my dd would NOT leave the baby alone yesterday). I don't wonder or care what people think about the kids. They are kids. They are wonderful and special and lovable and unique and I'm going to tell them that every time I get a chance. I know that someday my babies will figure it all out - but I hope they come to us with any questions they have. I will answer them as honestly as I can and let them form their own opinions of the situation. But other people? Shoot! If I really cared about the proverbial they thought, I don't think I could've stayed - it'd have driven me more nuts than I am already (LOL).

PS - God and zoloft in that order is what gets me through it.

niogirl,

how do you do it? i am not at that point because oc is not here yet, but i do not want contact at all. i could not see myself taking care of oc because of the way they came into the world. I know they would be innocent and i would not do anything but be loving but i don't want oc around.

I could not and would not stay in the marriage at all if h wanted contact. I don't even know if i can stay married to him because of this yet. i just don't think they really change? do they?

I definately don't want my kids to know that daddy did this to mommy, heck and i already have a teeneage stepson from h first marriage. How would he react? He had a hard time with his dad remarrying and us having kids. How would he feel to know that daddy stepped out on me and had another child? that is not being a good role model for him either. I just could not imagine doing it and think that i would rather be alone if I had to make the choice abruptly.

JT

It's really, really hard, don't get me wrong. It hurts sometimes so bad I feel like I'm going to be sick (and I am sick now - I have stomach ulcers and IBS - joy)... But you know, my situation might not be like yours. Our OW is VERY needy - she's 26, has 6 kids now, never got her drivers license, lives on welfare, geez, the list is a mile long. Part of what makes this bearable is that I KNOW that these kids will be happy with us.

I also KNOW that my dh loves me so much and that honestly he wouldn't have done what he did if he hadn't broken inside for awhile. I KNOW the reasons that the A happened. Does that make it right or better somehow? Nope. But understanding the reasons behind it helps a lot in figuring out how much I can tolerate/forgive.

I love kids, and there is no question of my dh's progeny - maybe that's why God send my dh to me. He knew that someday my dh was going to need someone who was capable of pulling him through this without him loosing his mind. Believe me, it's torn the heck out of all of us - him, me, OW...It's the responsibility of the grown ups in those children's lives (all of them) to make certain they grow up to be the very best human beings they can possibly be now that what's done is done. Making a commitment to my dh means making a commitment to ALL the children.

Hi Nio,

I really do feel for your pain. You have got to love your husband a lot. My other woman is pregnant and on crack. My MIL told me if the baby is born with drugs in it's system they will put her in jail. She has already talked to WS about raising her baby. If I was raising the baby. For those who do not know me well I would let people think that it is my birth baby. For those who were around and know I was not pregnant, I would just let them think the baby was adopted. For those who know about affair, then I will just tell them I am raising as my own. But in situations where you get kids part-time I think less information is better. Most people do not need to know. People have big mouths.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Most people do not need to know. People have big mouths.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. And they LOVE to talk. Wanna hear something I think is hilarious (so does my sister in law). I spoke to OW last week and she asked me how I could stand it and why don't I leave him. Then she says his whole family knows - his aunts and uncle and isn't it embarrassing for me. First, I told asked her why the heck should it be embarrassing for ME - I'm not the one doing anything wrong - I don't sleep with other women's husbands. Then I said that we don't have contact with those (the aunts and uncle) anyway, and the family that we do have contact with love me and don't think very highly of her. OW shut up about that. I told my sister in law about it, and she about wet her pants she laughed so hard. She talks to the aunts and uncle and she told me they can't STAND OW because of how she is and what she's done. I was so LMAO!

At least I haven't lost my sense of irony, right?

Hi Nio,

That is a good one. The other woman trying to turn it around to make you look bad???? I am glad you knew what to say to shut her up. My other woman used to call my house too asking if I was gonna leave. Told me how she did my husband in my house, on my bed. That did make me angry but I told her I was not leaving, that my husband had made his choice to stay with me. How does your husband treat you? Is he affectionate? Does he respect you? I think that is the most important thing. I try and focus more on how he treats me and working on marriage versus what he did outside of marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How does your husband treat you? Is he affectionate? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dh - oh, dearie - well, when he is being eaten by the guilt demon, which is a lot sometimes, is a total prig to be around. Fortunately, dh met and married a woman (me, btw <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) who is part Vulcan. I have a tendency to put my feelings aside to look at the reasons he behaves that way instead of the behavior itself. Usually, once I point out to him what he's doing and why he's doing it (and I'm usually not far off the mark), HE starts being more logical about it. He realizes that he's gonna have guilt about this for a long time - and that's a hard pill for anyone to swallow.

We had a major blow up last weekend because I could tell his behavior was off. Once we both got down to it, I learned that he's thinking that one of these days we might have to go for custody of the kids, and that is very hard on him. It's not that OW is a bad mother, really, but she makes some king-h-e-double-hockey-sticks bad decisions and it scares him to death.

But yes, he does dote and respect me. I just wish he'd fold the laundry (LMAO)!

Hi Nio,

Guess I got off the subject of OC but I am so glad that he treats you good, and that you are so smart and intuitive. I do hope you get custody of those kids. It does not seem like she takes very good care of them.