JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> YOU WOULD TELL ME THAT GOD HAS HIS TIMEFRAME IN MIND AND YOU SHOULD WAIT ON HIM, BUT I'M NOT TRYING TO STEER YOU AWAY FROM YOUR PLAN JUST REMINDING YOU OF SOME WELL APPRECIATED ADVICE A FRIEND ONCE GAVE ME (THAT WOULD BE YOU!)!

TAKE YOUR TIME, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are absolutely right, that is what I would tell you, I love it when someone gives my "words of wisdom" right back to me. If LB should be your middle name, Deadline should be mine. Seems as if I always have a date in mind to do something about my H & my M.

I was thinking maybe I got sick the other nite cuz I wasn't supposed to talk to H, right now I just feel like I need to make something happen, (did I ever mention that I am a bit of a control freak??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) If I follow the advice I just gave you on your thread, be still & listen for God's directions, how do I not go crazy in the meantime? Ah.... Prozac?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am really not as sad as I sound, or maybe I am fooling myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Not sure what to do when H comes in tonite, want some answers but not in the mood for a confrontation or him being pissed off w/ me. We haven't been talking at all, & sometimes quiet can be a good thing. Am I making any sense at all????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BG - I have been reading and hearing the words deadlines and taking control alot. Not just from you and others here (including me). I hear it from my Mom (You can't let this go on forever.) I hear it from friends, neighbors, family... All mean well and want whats best for me.

This is our society - control and deadlines. Makes us seem like such impatient and untrusting people. How does God put up with us?? I struggle with this all the time. I know I need to let go and let God handle all this in his time. Why is that so hard???

I am struggling with so many issues lately, I think my head is spinning. I doubt myself about everything. Do I fight or give up? If I give up, will God be disappointed? How do I know what God is telling me to do vs. the enemy tempting me? What am I missing out on questioning everything?

Heck, I think I am just going insane most days.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what I want or do. I have no control over this and that is what is driving me nuts. I sit back and try to do what is right, but all I see is my family still falling apart and H still hiding away. When it comes right down to it, until H finds God and puts his life back together, I don't think there is hope. I can talk to him about God until I am blue in the face and tell what is the right thing to do, but he has the freedom to decide what he wants. And if that is not his family and God, then my M will end. Question is how long do you wait? How long are we expected to endure the pain and suffering?

I know God will reward us for our pain and suffering. That we will find happiness and love again. But when and with who?

So many questions, so many doubts, such lack of trust and faith. What is my problem??? Maybe I am just absolutely certifiable.

Sorry for the long ramble.

Hi Babygirl,

I really do care about you. I feel a connection because we are all going through similar things where our husbands basically just take us for granted. They feel they can treat us any way they please. The only thing that wakes them up is losing us or fear of losing us. God will guide you.

Hi BG, long time!

I apologize, not very up to date on your situation, but I did catch the deadline thing.

I don't think you're wrong at all to have a time set in your mind. As long as threats aren't being made to your H, and it doesn't sound like that's happening.

You've been on this ride w/out a destination for a very long time. It's ok to have a time set up to disembark.

My only question is, (and again, I apologize if I missed something), is July 14 the deadline before you file for D or for PB? I'm guessing D, because you said something about PB waking him up but it would be too late? What I don't get, is if you think PB might actually work, why would it be too late? You've waited this long, but another month or two would be too late?

I guess I've never understood when people want Plan A to work really badly, but when it doesn't, they don't want to go to Plan B, (usually out of fear of losing their spouse for good), but are willing to go straight to D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I'm not saying you're doing that, (because God knows you've been there done that w/ all the plans!), but I wonder what would be the harm in doing Plan B. It will give him time without you, but also time for YOU without him, so that you can more clearly decide if you want to proceed with the D.

Hope you're feeling better.

~ad

Morning,

Well against my better judgement I couldn't keep my mouth shut & brought up the suspension & asked why he wasn't paying CS, of course he lied, said he was & that he got everything straightened out w/ his license. I then asked about his job he only works at the daycare he says, & after work everyday he goes to the bowling alley or his mummy's or family house, not to see OW or baby, anywhere but home, so I asked how are we going to work on anything like this of course he got upset about me knowing about the CS & suspension cuz he knew I snooped to get that info & he avoided the my questions totally.

I then asked him about Fathers day of course his mummy & sister, nieces & nephews are taking him out, he won't have his D though, he is such a liar. You can't tell me he won't have that girl on Fathers Day. His family took him out last yr. too, I wasn't invitied of course, not this yr. either. Said we could so something before he went out w/ the family, I told him no, I wanted to spend the day w/ him & the baby. I also told him it was mighty funny that he has been a step father for 6 yrs. & his mummy never took him out until he made this baby out of wedlock, oh never mind that LETS CELEBRATE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Then he told me the doesn't bring the baby over cuz he just hasn't, has nothing to do w/ OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So what does that say ladies, HE doesn't want the baby around me????? Of course that is not what he meant - so he says, it is still about that b*&ch, it always will be. I told him I was going to lock him out & maybe he would get it then, that I am not going to continue to play this game w/ him. Told him he was holding me back from moving on & holding me down. I told him that he thinks I am a joke & this will go on & on, he asked me if I wanted him to leave?????? Duh I wrote you a letter, gave it to you twice. & I ask you at least 3 x's a month to leave me the hell alone. No one is that thick!!!!

There was a lot more said that I dont even remember, the same ole stuff, I LB'd but I remained calm, which is not my usual style. He got real hyper, & said he could tell I wasn't sick anymore.

This morning he started in about me going out tonite, I told him he doesn't love me or care what I do so why pretend, he got upset & left for work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When it comes right down to it, until H finds God and puts his life back together, I don't think there is hope. I can talk to him about God until I am blue in the face and tell what is the right thing to do, but he has the freedom to decide what he wants. And if that is not his family and God, then my M will end. Question is how long do you wait? How long are we expected to endure the pain and suffering?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kris I feel the same way about my H, I meant to tell him these things not that he would listen but it couldn't hurt, he was pissed off anyway & gets more pissed when I mention he is out of fellowship w/ the Lord. I wish I could tell you how long to wait, I sure wish God had told me point blank not to spend 2 yrs. w/ this bulls#@t. I reminded H about that coming up (2 yr. anniversary of DDay), & he says all I do is dwell on the past, maybe if the future looked different from the past I wouldn't. He would be content to live like this for the next 10, maybe 20 yrs. He has his separate life w/ OW & baby & I fit in where????? When he wants SF, that is all I feel I am good for, oh & I provide a roof over his head, I can't forget that. I am really sick of him & right about now I can be alone the rest of my life, men are not worth the trouble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My only question is, (and again, I apologize if I missed something), is July 14 the deadline before you file for D or for PB? I'm guessing D, because you said something about PB waking him up but it would be too late? What I don't get, is if you think PB might actually work, why would it be too late? You've waited this long, but another month or two would be too late? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey AD,

Good to hear from you, I am feeling better, thanks for asking.

I probably answered this ? in the other post, but I found out about A & OW being pg. on July 14, 2002, that date is fast approaching & I figured I would use that as a deadline date for changing the locks if H won't leave before then OR by some miracle he makes a true committment w/ action to back it up to work on our M.

I don't really see it as a PB at this time, as I said before I don't want to do another separation, it is now or never, it doesn't take this long to figure out what you want out of your life or should I say who you want in your life. He has had TWO YEARS to figure out which head to think with & use it accordingly. I am tired, a month or two living apart from me may wake him up, but I am not gonna wait on him again like that.

I have no plans to file for a D, why should I pay for that, I did nothing wrong, plus I don't have money for it. If he leaves there will be no contact, there is no reason for any & I will begin to move on with my peace of mind & sanity intact.

I agree, time for him to fish or cut bait.

He's had plenty of opportunities to do what is right. Is he nuts? He has a wife willing to do C w/ OC, and he still cannot do what is right. Another cake eater.

Imagine if I told my H, "Hey hubby, I'm having another man's baby, but I want to live with you, oh but sometimes see the om too, cuz afterall he's the bio-dad...I'll see how things go...if you treat me good, maybe I'll be nice and hang around you more...or maybe if you don't wait on me hand and foot, I'll spend more time with om...oh and btw, my mommy and daddy are taking me out for mother's day, they're so proud of me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> "???

There is a reason for deadlines, and I think God has no problem with them. We need to be still, and listen to God though. We need to remember our timeline isn't always His timeline, but still there are timelines in life. Time for every season...He gives us X amount of time to come to Him, granted it's till our last breath, but none of us knows when that is. It is a deadline, nonetheless, (no pun intended).

I believe a WS has a limited amount of time to make up his/her mind, and so also does the BS. Life moves on. One can not be expected to live in the same muck and mire forever.

You've decided what you want. He has not, or shall I say, he has decided...he wants it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There comes a time, when it's clear the BS and WS do not want the same things, it is best to move on.

Forgive the ramble...

AD,

Who is rambing more than me today????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's had plenty of opportunities to do what is right. Is he nuts? He has a wife willing to do C w/ OC, and he still cannot do what is right. Another cake eater.

He is most definitely crazy, & he is not a cake eater he is a cake glutton!!! Soon he is gonna explode. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

[/QUOTE] Imagine if I told my H, "Hey hubby, I'm having another man's baby, but I want to live with you, oh but sometimes see the om too, cuz afterall he's the bio-dad...I'll see how things go...if you treat me good, maybe I'll be nice and hang around you more...or maybe if you don't wait on me hand and foot, I'll spend more time with om...oh and btw, my mommy and daddy are taking me out for mother's day, they're so proud of me... "???[QUOTE]

I have said all this to H, he wouldn't stick around for one second if I did this to him, H's dad is dead but his sick mummy makes up for it & she is VERY proud of her wh#*&ish son.

I know God has a time frame too that is most likely not mine but unless HE gives me a new deadline it is 7/14/04. Enough is enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know God has a time frame too that is most likely not mine but unless HE gives me a new deadline it is 7/14/04. Enough is enough.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right there with you BG. Wait upon Him, but if there is nothing to stop you, as in the miracle you spoke of...move on. He helps those who help themselves, and that's what you're doing.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

AD,

You are so right on. I am biding my time, will most likely have one more talk w/ him tonite just to add in some of the spiritual content that I left out last nite, then I am done & watching the clock tick.

I have done all I can do.

hey,

just wanted to send you lots of love today. I know that you have a rough time ahead waiting and I just wanted to let you know that you are strong and can overcome anything so keep your head up. Know that God is with you and so are we.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
JT

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Hi Babygirl,

You have given him more chance than most of us would. But then I have given my husband more chance than most women would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
And all I can say, But I love him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Why do we love these men so much when they stomp all over our hearts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Genia
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do we love these men so much when they stomp all over our hearts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They only do what we allow them to do, as a friend of mine told me why would he leave he is having his cake & his ice cream too! Why, cuz I allow it!

JT - I know God has my back, thanks for your prayers, I am more concerned for all of you who have children w/ your H's though, being that it is not as easy to walk away. God has already planned an end to all this though, we just have to get thru the middle.

BBG I hope you have a good weekend. You know the fence does get old and does come down w/ time. But you have to help him off. Do you still have your date set? Any progress w/ visitations papers, ect. I know you are wore slap dab out and I'm praying for you. Talk at you tomorrow. Oh how did you like the email about women? That way so funny ! Hope it made you smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> See ya posting buddy.!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Just checking on you girlie! Hope all is going as well as can be expected! Let us know what is up!

Okay--I see you are back you had better give me an update--I missed you.

Ok you asked for it....

My weekend was really interesting, on Friday I found out that OW's 2 son's father is out of jail has been since March! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So I wondered & also got happy for a split second that H is probably not spending anytime at OW's apt. anymore since she is desparately trying to get back w/ him. This also would explain H’s need to keep working at the daycare since he can see his D Mon. - Fri. there. Of course reality then set in that even if that is the case it doesn't explain why he doesn't spend more time at home w/ me now does it! There is still some sh*# going on w/ him. So I told him I knew about the jailbird being home & how OW wants him back, he wanted to know how I knew & insisted that it had no bearing on his relationship w/ his D. He tried t make a big deal out of me going out, even though I didn't Friday nite, but it really bothers him that I do but he won't admit it. Poor choice to use to try & change the subject. After I got it back on track I once again told him again that I would be putting him out soon.

So Sat. he comes by w/ guess who???? The baby, my step daughter. I was pissed cuz I knew it was a ploy to pacify me. Her appearance proved my point that OW is not only unfit, but that she never wanted this baby is just using her to try & keep H. She was over about 3 hrs. spent most of her time trying to be up under daddy, why wouldn't she, she doesn't know me. Well needless to say I didn't enjoy the visit, I also came away thinking I don't miss this at all, the don't touch this, her saying mine, mine, mine & telling me no, watching her every move, my home is no where near child proof & toddlers need much protection.

On Fathers day I told him that I didn't appreciate him insulting my intelligence by trying to pacify me w/ a visit from the baby. He had this damned if I do & damned if I don't attitude. I told him our problems had to do w/ so much more than the baby coming over, & that was still not on a regular basis. This was before I went to church, he shut down & stopped talking to me so I wrote him a note & told him that since he didn't want to talk to me all I wanted to hear him say was "I'm leaving, here are your keys." also put some snippy stuff in there about OW & his D having a new jail bird step-daddy soon if he didn't try to get her back. Got to church & my Pastor was preaching from Luke 7: 22 & 23 talking about how John asked "if you are not the Christ, shall I look for another?" how John expected Jesus & his faith in God to get him out of prison but it was not to be, bottom line the situation you may find yourself in is a gift from God, he may not change the situation or person(s) involved & you should not give up or give in. God has a reason for your "go thru".

Well of course I was convicted after leaving that note, got home & H was waiting for me, we talked, really talked for over an hr. about the past, present & future. He of course still says he wants US back & the baby would be worked into our lives eventually & that right now he wants me to work on ME, says he never wanted to D or give up on me, that he holds back on honestly & his time cuz of the way I have treated him in the past, controlling, judgemental & disrespectful, I admit I still do these things, but I also told him that he has to understand that my LBing, (disrespectful statements) come from his lack of commitment, honesty & a resolution to this baby visitation schedule & contact w/ OW. I told him I know that it serves no purpose to cut him down, talk about OW & be rude but because of the frustration I feel over this situation, me talking to him the way I do is my only weapon to fight back.

I felt a bit better after our talk, but yesterday he was back to shut down mode & he spent no time w/ me after he got off work. I am kinda of numb right now I guess but I do feel torn, I want so badly to hear clearly from God so that I don’t make a wrong move here & be out of his will. I have done so many things wrong in the way I have handled this situation & I don’t want to make any more mistakes or wrong decisions. It figures as soon as I once again have a deadline in mind, the Lord sends a word to me to chill out & wait. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sorry for the ramble. I have a sinus infection & I am in bad need of drugs!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WOW!

Everyone was busy while I was off at lunch.

BBYG~I see some possibilities here. Not all bad. Keep your chin up--you are a great women. You give me such inspiration on days I'm down and all I can say is that I many times WS's just can not figure out how to repair the damage--not making excuses just saying men seem so less evolved then us women sometimes.

Albany,

You are too kind, I like to call them "dumb animals" - not all both MOST men.

He did say some things to me that he hasn't before in the last 2 yrs. But he is kinda reminding me of your H now, his actions & words don't match & they have to, or else this won't work.

I am ok though, not feeling overly optimistic but not in "woe is me" mode either. Just trying to let go & let God. H needs a WHOLE lot of prayer, he is defintely struggling w/ his inner man, the enemy has become a really close side kick for him for awhile now & it is not easy for him to let him go.

Hi Babygirl,

I think counseling would benefit you two so much. They have counseling at my church. My husband has agreed to one session. We have a problem with communication. It seems you guys have the same problem. He shuts down because he feels guilty. You shut down because you feel hurt. At least that is the way it is for us. Maybe a counselor could help you two communicate. It sounds like he wants to come back but feels guilty and scared of you judgeing him. Make sense.