</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nobody comforted me or cared. I heard him confiding in her that I blow everything out of porportion. I went off on him and kicked him out. Maybe it should be time limit/Things we cannot accept. Mine is that I need to feel loved and respected. Also I will not accept him spending the night away from home. Maybe you just need to identify things you cannot accept from him and tell him that if he crosses those lines then you will not be able to live with him. Don't fall in the trap of feeling sorry for him. He made his bed if you know what I mean. If he wants you bad enough he should change for you and if he can't maybe you should move on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Genia - I have told him verbally & in writing many times what I will & will not accept, I too hear all the time that I blow things out of portion & I know I don't. I feel sorry for him only cuz he is about to lose the best woman he will ever have in his life & Satan has blinded him to that fact. I have compassion for him also cuz I know he is lost & he is out of fellowship w/ the Lord & I can't help him find his way . My faith tells me to hold on - in spite of, & to not get weary in well doing, but I am weary, & as much as I say I gonna move, I dont know what to do anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't stop posting. you need us just as much as we need you. Go back and reflect on the things you have said to all of us and know within yourself tht you will know when the time is right for you to let it go. God will not fail you is what you always say - so hey take your own advice and hang on in there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT - I meant I most likely won't post about me, it is the same ol' thing & nothing is happening positive at all, he lied to me again yesterday about spending time w/ me after work. I have had it. I know I should "practice what I preach" so much easier to say it to you & others though. Plus as I said it is only me, no children to be devasted by this all. I am trying to listen for God's voice in all this, & not focus on what I see & hear, walk by faith, & I am failing miserably. I gave him a 3 week deadline & it is fast approaching. I can't make someone feel something they don't feel, & that is what I get from him, not even stressing about the baby situation so much asnymore as I am about his not wanting to be w/ me, Still have not given him SF & he is wanting it bad. I feel like he is using me, & that woud only make it worse for me at this point. I will try to hang in there a bit longer. Thanks for the encouragement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know we all have similiar situations, but our are very close. H and I have 5b, I had my tubes tides after 5b(nov.99. H didn't want me to do it, but I did not want any children at the time. Less then a year of getting my tubes tied, H was wheeling to pay $12,000 to have then untied to have another c -a girl. Well after awhile H stop asking me. I found out about OC when she(girl) 6 weeks old. Counting back H stop asking me to get my untied when he found out ow was having a d. I am a christian wife and I pray and pray and find so much compfort in my praise and worship service in my car on the way to work. oc is 2.5 and comes around from time to time. everytime ow takes him for more cs he gets and exercised his visituation. I am getting so tried of this on and off again because it is disruptive to our children. I envy that fact that you can make a clean break and not have deal with H or oc if god see fit. H is going through a really rough time ow is going to get $1,100 cs and day care. H is taking meds to shrink his postrate. His corporation my be sued. God is dealing with him, so his sins. Sometimes GOD puts things on us to humble us, but it takes some time for us to see that. I wish you the best and pray that GOD will guild you foot steps. It took this for husband to see that I was a good wife and well as a good person. I have been there for him(not always silent)we have had our battles. OW has done everything she could do to tear us apart, but it only brings us closer together. II took h about 1.5 to see ow for what is is. when she saw she was just his baby momma, the real person came out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lisaem - Our stories our similar involving the tubal, I had found a center to do it for $6000 & I was so excited about it, even though he asked me to do it I noticed he was not that excited, he was only having an A at that time, & I really think he asked me to see if I would since he didn't stop the A once I started to prepare for this, then OW got pg. & he really backed off the whole idea. As I say right now I think my H too is seeing that OW is his baby's momma & nothing more, not who he thought she was at all, & definitely not as interested in him anymore since her man from jail is out. I don't even know what is going on w/ that anymore, I do know that he is not trying to work things out w/ me, I pray too that he will see that I am a good wife & better than most would be in this situation before it is too late. OW in my life too did what she could to tear us apart, but now it is H who seems to be determined to do that, even though he says he is not, his actions say just the oppositie. Thanks for your prayers, I will pray for you too!

Hi Babygirl,

I beleive you will get the strength when you need it. I will never tire of you even if it is the same thing. I understand the feeling. People see how my husband disrespects me. I get comments all the time. You still with him? Or one girl told me to talk to her hand because she is tired of hearing my sad story. I have nobody to call when I am down. So I understand. If you really need an ear I will always listen. I know how good it feels just to have somebody listen whether you follow their advise or not.

Thanks Genia,

I have 2 good friends who r like sisters to me, 1 of them I can tell everything & she totally supports my decision to stay w/ H, she also introduced us. The other friend can get a little judgemental so she doesn't get all the dirt all the time. My family I can't talk to at all about this, they basically act like he doesn't exist. Easier for them I guess.

I am glad you found us, I am always here 2 listen 2 & add my 2 cents, if anyone wants 2 listen

Thanks Genia,

I have 2 good friends who r like sisters to me, 1 of them I can tell everything & she totally supports my decision to stay w/ H, she also introduced us. The other friend can get a little judgemental so she doesn't get all the dirt all the time. My family I can't talk to at all about this, they basically act like he doesn't exist. Easier for them I guess.

I am glad we found each other , I am always here 2 listen 2 & add my 2 cents, if anyone wants 2 listen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BBYG,

I am always here for you too, if you need me. I have enjoyed our talks and look forward to them daily. So please don't leave me now as I won't leave you.

Keep prayin'

JT

Baby/LisaM -

I totally agree that you SHOULDN'T quit posting so much. I've got a couple of reasons:

1. It is (I think) totally needed by all of us to be able to vent/cry/console each other. When one of us has a bad day, week, month, shoot! year, then others on the board will step up and be a shoulder to lean on. It is theraputic for BOTH the cry-ees and the cryers to help one another through these hard issues. For you to quell your "voice" would not be conducive to anyone's healing.
2. All our feet have been set upon a path....and we did not choose this path....The really difficult part of being on this road, is that there is no "right" decision as to which way to step on this path. Because your road is taking you in a different direction, does not mean that you can no longer relate to others on the path, nor does it mean others won't be able to relate to you. It's just a different direction. I can guaran-dam-tee you that there will be others that might have to set their feet in your direction someday. Would you deny them your wisdom then? I don't think you would....you both are generous and graceful people.

These are JMHO and observations.

Much love to you both.

- Kimmy

Kimmy -

Thanks for your encouragement, your words make perfect sense. I am just tired of feeling like the crier all the time & I am feeling pretty hopeless about my OWN situation.

I do find joy in hearing good news from each of you though, so I am not going anywhere, just don't feel I have much to say about my own M at this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


JT,

I am a trying, I am so happy for both you & Albany, God is able & he is working, even when we can't see it. Just read this on the GQ board, it is inspiring, just don't know if I have the strength left to try anymore....

Be the Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....


they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....

That was great, but very hard to do. Although I will try to be lighthouse - so must you BBYG. Remember you are worth it!

JT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT,

If I could just do that much maybe things would turn around....

Just thought of something funny but not funny as far as being a lighthouse goes.

Maybe I can try to be the best lighthouse I can be for the next two weeks & then if there is no change show him the outhouse - as in put him out of the house????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just had to laugh. I could not hold it in. You are soooo Crazy. But I don't know try it and see. I must admit you have been holding on for the past two years which is longer than I would give him.

JT

BBG you just kill me! OUTHOUSE! Thats so cute! The dog house isn't good enough! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sent you an email. Let me know if you get it.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hey Sunny D,

Got your email, sent u a short 1 back.

Last nite H wanted to talk, believe it or not, I told him I was tired of the pain he is causing me & he replied he is in pain everyday over this situation & what it has cost US & how he hurt me, & how he wishes it had never happened, I want to believe him but his actions say different, I wonder if any of these quotes from the lighthouse are how he is really feeling...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your spouse is in huge conflict....

Within in himself right now.

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

Mummy dearest told me that about him once, I think that may be the only true thing she has ever said to me about this situation.

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That I know is true, he is so lost.

He told me again that he is not giving up on us & feels like I will never let him forget what he did & that is why he shuts down, also said he has no intention of leaving that we are going to make this work.

I didn't LB, really tried to listen to what he was saying instead of jumping in & not letting him finish. It seems as if he is trying to throw a monkey wrench in my deadline plan ladies, or maybe I am dreaming? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Oh Baby - He sounds so lost - my dh was the SAME way. Saying the correct things - but his actions weren't saying what needed to be said. That he made the first move to talk to you about it is a HUGE thing for a male to do. They are SO not wired to confront anything unless the confrontation is a negative. What I mean is, for him in a non-agressive way to bring up his issues is HUGE, IMO.

I know all of us have probably learned this already, but while women want to talk and talk and talk about problems, men are wired to stew on them - and a lot of men would be perfectly...I would say content....but that's not it...they would settle on not talking about an issue to the point the problem would eat them alive. I saw it happen first hand with my dh....and it's so freaking sad to watch.

I know it's hurting you to watch this Baby, but it's one step in the process. I gleaned from your posts you've even been going thru this longer than I have - so I understand your exhaustion with the whole subject....and we both know exhaustion is the BEST word for what you're going through.

I can't give you anything but my support. We all have to decide where our personal line in the sand is. I'll pray for you both though.

- Kimmy

Thanks Kimmy I need ALL the prayer I can get, as Sunny said I have been screaming at the devil to get out of my head, I have had some very nasty thoughts going thru it lately & it is not good.

H is lost & scared, he knows I am serious about locking him out so I have to wonder where his need to talk is really coming from? It was just something about the way he said the words, I felt & saw true remorse & an almost childlike state of "I made a mistake & broke this, I don't know how to fix it & I am really sorry." (p.s. please don't give me a spanking.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am exhausted that is for sure, I have read here that true recovery sometimes takes up to 2 years?? If that is the case I ain't tired yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Then you hold on BBYG with both hands and don't let go!! You will know when it is enough for you. Just keep praying I know the feeling of letting the devil enter into your mind and spirit. You must block him with Godly thoughts and prayers of doing his will. KEEP THE FAITH - I know you can do it. You have been doing it for so long now that you can hold out.

But don't mis out on the SF - Dress for the occassion and get the CD's playing, light some candles and go for it!! Make the atmosphere one that he can not refuse maybe even get him a little sloushed to make it interesting ( no I'm just kidding)!!

You can do it plus when he does talk listen to him with an open mind and heart. They are childlike you know. He might not know what to do?
He may be afraid to open up to you for the sake of getting rejected or something I don't know I'm not making sense anymore, but you know what i mean.

Love him and Love him up GOOD!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
It couldn't hurt anything.

Smiles,

JT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But don't mis out on the SF - Dress for the occassion and get the CD's playing, light some candles and go for it!! Make the atmosphere one that he can not refuse maybe even get him a little sloushed to make it interesting ( no I'm just kidding)!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two words Baby, and I can't believe I'm sharing this.

Pop Rocks.

If you have to ask what for, I swear you'll see me blush from whatever state you're in - but he'll never know what hit him.

- Kimmy

Ok ladies,

JT - I am yet holding on....
I am so glad my boss is not in, I am sitting here cracking up laughing. It has been a whole & complete month since H has had any SF or me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
The drinks idea works for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So we both deserve a treat I guess.

Kimmy - I asked a girlfriend about Pop Rocks, guess I am not as "in the know" as I thought, she couldn't say what it meant in mixed company so I am waiting on an IM from her, I think I have figured it out by now though. Ok got it now, u r a bad girl, but I like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh and as for CDs, I've always been of the opinion that the BEST music for THAT is either AC/DC or Sinatra...depending on your mood to "get 'er done," to quote Larry the Cable Guy (see Comedy Central's Rednecked Weekend - you'll LYAO).

And as for drinks - blue stuff. I LOVE blue stuff. Bacardi's Hurricane. That'll "get'er done!"

(snort) Bad? Cest moi? Why d'ya think dh STAYED?????

They really, really need to come up with a devilish looking smiley....(chuckle)

- Kimmy

So Nios

I would have to take a guess and say I use as they would be to eat and then go about performing 1 particular act that they ever so like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If I'm way off base then I'm the one blushing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> --I have heard and seen a lot but hadn't heard the pop rocks story.