This whole nightmare is new to me... help!!! Husband finally admitted to an affair that he was having with OW at work that went on for a year and a half. I had confronted him on more than one occasion but of course they lie and lie and lie... the only reason why he had finally admitted to it was because he caught herpes... this was in december. (God is an awesome God, I do not have it...) background... been together 14 years, married 9, 2 beautiful daughters and for some crazy reason I believe God is going to fix him. We went home to his parents in december and were working on things, he had ended this in october and when we came back from holiday, he "relapsed" and slept with her in january... she's pregnant. He at one point had planned on leaving the girls and I and they had talked about having kids so this wasn't exactly an accident. I know she did this on purpose... I HATE HER... yes I wish she would just choke on something and die and this whole mess would go away... I know that is wrong but I am so angry I can't even see straight. I don't want anything to do with OW/OC!!! I am also angry with H, he had just as much to do with this as she did... he also admitted that he told her that he loved her. He was forced to make a decision and decided to stay with me and try to make this marriage work... I do wonder if it was the lesser of 2 evils.... Help... does it get any easier??? Is it possible to even survive this?

I wish I could say something that would take away your pain. I too know what it's like to experience complete betrayal after 16 years. You did not cause your H's A with this OW. There are problems in every marriage, but none of these ever justifies having an A. You are left with some weighty decisions that you'll have to make. If you still love him and want to be with him in the future, or if you don't want to. Do you have kids? That will definitely come into the equation of making the decision.

I would strongly encourage Christian counselling. I believe this would help you sort things out.

I'm praying for you

Take a deep breath, calm down and educate yourself. Knowledge is power and you want as much power as you can get.

1. Take care of yourself. Meaning: go for walks, eat healthy and don't let yourself fall into a pit of despair and depression. Get moving.

2. Knowledge is power. Read here, read every word Dr. Harley has written. Keep notes on things that pertain to you. Then read the messages here. Go far back and read historys and things that can/will/do happen in this situation. But do not sit alone and let the tail wag the dog. Stand up and get moving.

3. Secure family finances, LEGALLY with the aid of an attorney. You may want to separate (on paper) and have child support/spousal support in place before ow comes after him for cs. This has to be done with an attorney. Now I know it will probably scare your husband, but you need to tell him that you are doing it for you and your kids, since he has put your futures in jeopardy. It will protect family funds to stay in the family it was intended for. No need to be witchy and mean about it. Be matter of fact.

4. Counseling. A must. You need to be able to talk this out. You probably have a million thougths running through your head, one minute you want a divorce, the next you dont. This is all familiar and normal. Keep a journal of these thoughts.

5. Be honest with yourself. Do not try to be wonder-wife and all accepting if you are not feeling that way. If you are angry, be angry. If you are hurt, cry, etc. Do not bottle this up and ignore or tough it out. Let the feelings flow or you will end up a basket case with a bad case of anxiety. But be aware, that at some point, you have to stand up and deal with it. By looking out for you and your children, it will help you find some balance and focus.

6. Vent and write here. There are wonderful people, all dealing with this. We are similar, but different, as each situation is. Lean on the good people here. They will truly care about you.

7. None of this is your fault. Remember that.

A few more things to ponder.

One thing that happens often,is the ow will start spouting "what's best for the child" as a weapon. What this means is that while she had little care for your children, and the hurt and upheaval her participation in the affair caused them, she expects YOU to be concerned as what is best for her child. THAT is a passive aggressive form of manipulation. The truth is, what she thinks is best for her child is of no concern to you and yours. What is best for YOU and YOUR children are all you need to concern yourself with. Do not sacrifice your children and their happiness and security at the alter of the oc. To many people believe that the "right thing" is all about the oc. I firmly and strongly advise against contact. I firmly and strongly believe that the wife and the children of the marriage need to be protected and be allowed to live their lives free of the drama and manipulations of the ow.

Do not let other people tell you that you are wrong or mean or bad or "poor oc" and expect you to fix other peoples messes. Your husband and this woman created this mess. It is not you or your childrens responsibility to make it easier on them. Had ow wanted a father for her child, she should have made sure she was in a commited relationship. If your husband insists on having contact with this child and you do not want it, you have a problem. Hence read this site. What is the point of staying married if you two are on different sides of the issue. If he forces you to have contact, you wil be bitter. If he wants contact and you say no, he will be bitter. Then there are your children. How are they going to deal with this intrusion into their lives?

So, do not fall victim to the politically correct "best for the child" arguement. There are lots of innocent victims here, and oc is just one, and their being here does not supercede the needs of you or your children.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

I'M TOO AM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION OC IS DUE ANY DAY, MY HUSBAND & I WANT CUSTODY, THIS CHILD DESERVES A GOOD LIFE AND THAT IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE WITH OW, WHO IS NOT 100% WHO THE F IS, MY FEAR IS IF OC IS HIS AND WE DON'T GET CUSTODY OF OC WHAT WILL WE DO, THIS OW GOES OUT TO PARTIES AND BARS STILL, HAS A POOR HISTORY, OW DAUGHTER 3YRS. , 13+ MEN HAVE BEEN TESTED & NONE ARE HER F , WILL HISTORY REPEAT IT SELF , HOW LONG AND HOW SOON IS PATERNITY ESTABLISHED AND IF OC IS MY HUBBY'S HOW CAN WE GET CUSTODY SO OC CAN HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE

I know how you feel. I posted How do you really about OP & OC? I hate them both and always will.

LynnG, very good post with a lot of insightful thought,consideration, and points of view.

ember

cyn1018, are you still M? If so, do you have contact? I have no compassion for her whatsoever, I think she is a stupid wh*** with no morals. I want nothing to do with ow/oc and wish she would fall off the face of this earth, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> i know that is wrong but that is how i feel... as for him... i am just as angry, disgusted and fed up with him. first of all she is butt ugly (which doesn't help my self esteem at all)and obviously has no morals, she knew he was married and slept with him anyways... he on the other hand is just as stupid, selfish.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> it makes me sick just to look at him sometimes!!!

amiloco (I love your log in name - I think that is how we all feel)-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> KrisM, what is it about police officers who have affairs with people they work with??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure what the problem is with police officiers. I know the dept my H works for is full of people who cheat and divorce and think that it is no big deal. My H is constantly telling me the % of police officier M's that end in D, which is like 80% in his dept. Its just crazy. H always told me that it was because spouses couldn't handle the danger they put themselves in. I never had a problem with that. I personally think that the uniform goes to their head. They find themselves getting alot of attention because of the uniform and it swells the head. I don't know. I think it is all about the people you socialize with. I know H hangs out with a bunch of cops who think it is cool to have A's and guess what H did too. If you spend time with people who have no morals and values, you become just like them. Unfortunately, seems to be alot in our police depts.

Hope I didn't offend anyone. Just speaking from my experience. I also know that are some very fine people who are police officiers. They just seem to be in the minority. At least, my H didn't find any to call friend.


amiloco - I was wondering how long ago was your DDay? You are so angry - justifiably so. I am just afraid that you are going to let this anger consume you. The only person you are hurting by staying so angry is yourself. What's done is done - we are left to pick up the pieces. I know it is so hard and so unfair. You have to decide how you are going to handle it. You are not responsible for your H's actions/behavior, but you are responsible for your reactions. A friend gave me this advice early on - don't let this change you into an angry, bitter person. Anger is a stage you will go through, but don't let that stage last forever. You need to move on to healing. I was just wondering how long you have known? It will get better - hard to believe - but it will. And there will be ups and downs (I am at one of those down stages now and I pray I snap out of it soon). I wish you well. Keep posting. The people here have been so helpful to me.

kris, i can't even tell you the dday, march sometime... everything has been a bluurrr. you know the crazy thing is that he doesn't even hang out with police officers, i have been doing alot of thinking and reading other tracks and the anger comes and goes, he says he wants to be with us to do the right thing, he says he does love me and wants to do whatever it takes to make this marraige better than it has ever been... then on the other hand, the agreement of no conversations without me present has been violated twice...not so angry that it was violated angry that he didn't immediately tell me about those conversations. STOP THE LIES!!! that is what sends me into orbit... i am not a very nice person and yes i will admit to saying some cruel things about her... 'i wish she'd choke on something and die'... if i wasn't a decent person... i would kick her ###. i informed him that i have had enough of the lies and have tolerated wayyyyy toooo much and i am through!!! he either flys right or i am so out of here... now back to the dday... unfortunately this is not the first time he has cheated... as a matter of fact, i am not sure exactly how many times he has cheated.... 3-4 that i can recollect since we have been married (9years)been tgther 13. the crazy thing is that i have been completely faithful to him... i married him because i loved him... he married out of "obligation" i have a friend who told me today that i am handling this extremely well... some days are better than others but when you find things (card) that really send you into a rage, he doesn't keep any of the cards that i have given him... claims that he didn't know this one was there and that it was old... do i believe... noooo.... what will it take to be able to remotely trust him again. i did inform him that we will be getting a lawyer and putting some things in place "in case" i keep praying that it comes up that it is not his... he is convinced that it is his... i feel like such a fool, god knows how many people on the department know about it... who looks stupider her or me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i think it is probly me... not that i really care what those other people really think it is just the principal of the matter... men are weak, listen to anyone who will blow up their ego and have absolutally no self control. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> are there any good ones out there??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i wonder if he can really truly let it go??? he says he is tired of living 2 lives, that he loves me, wants to make this marraige work, wants to learn how to love me, and has aways longed for me to love him and is having a hard time dealing with the damage that he has caused and the fact that he has hurt everyone... i don't care about her and i don't care if she is hurt... sorry that sounds cold but thats that anger thing again... how long did it take you to get over the anger? how big is the department he works for? i guess that really probly doesn't matter because it is all one big gossip session anyways. yes he spouts off the 50%end in divorce quote too... it wasn't the danger that i couldn't handle, he has done everything... swat, special assignments, etc... i always had peace when he was out on the streets... i know i have no control over what happends and have only really been scared a couple of times. he is fed up with the department and is looking for a way out... i do think the uniform puffs them up and of course anyone else looks better when they are constantly stroking their egos... have you ever noticed that lots of insecure men become police officers??? hope i haven't offended anyone out there... there are some good ones out there... i just happen to have one who lacked self control. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

First things first...take it from me..you are NOT the only family in your husband's PD that is in this situation. Second...if you've been a policewife for any length of time, you know cops gossip worse than any set of old men and ladies could ever do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
They are used to living 2 lives. I'm with the theory that the uniforms go to their heads. Even the worst looking cop gets more action than than a supermodel sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Don't feel alone. My H has been in law enforcement for over 15 years. We are one of the few who are on their first marriage. But the Good Lord knows it hasn't been easy. I am currently dealing with an uncooperative OW.
Take care of yourself....and remember...there is nothing wrong with going to the doctor and getting some medication to help you see through the depression. I highly recommend it....lol

Entwife, yes i am looking into counseling, have been meeting with my pastor for awile now, there have been problems for quite awhile and i guess i have come to terms with you can't make them do anything they don't want to however i have set those boundaries and am tired and will not tolerate any more... just waiting on god to give me the right answers, for some reason he has me in this "trial" for a reason (the service this morning really hit home) and apparently he is preparing me for something and has put us together for a reason... he doesn't know it but i have always felt that way that is probly why i have remained faithful through all of the messes over the years. i will not have to answer to god on that one. today for some reason i am at peace, not nearly as angry as in the past few days.

he has been in law enforcement for about 10 years, what is the ow woman doing that is giving you so much grief? he is in a state of denial and thinks she won't go for child support... what kind of a world do you live in??? she purposely got pregnant after he "broke it off". she was incredibly stupid... i got pregnant with our first before we were married and halfway through the pregnancy i had had enough and was prepared to do this by myself, we were married shortly after she was born. he tries to ask what the difference was... big difference, he wasn't married.... she knew full well what she was getting into and chose to go there anyway. she also works for the dept. that is a whole different world, the gossip that goes on is incredible and i swear everytime i see a police officer working off duty or something that they look at me like they know everything and are thinking "boy are you stupid." how do you deal with that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> i guess the good thing is that we don't hang around with cops... how did you stick with it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Amiloco-I feel the same way that you do, but over time the angry will go away. It has been over a year since I found out about the ow/oc it was a one night stand. I could not look at my h because I just hated what he did to our family. I wished bad thing for the ow also, and I knew that it was wrong and I had to ask GOD to forgive me. I to feel that the other woman did this on purpose. Men are just weak and dumb, but women just don't respect each other. Take any legal actions that you have to protection your family. When I found out it was to late ow started cs action, and now he is paying current and back support and it is killing us.

You will cry and feel angry toward your h, but that is normal. I am just know able to look at my h and don't have angry for him.

Just keep praying and GOD will make a way.

amiloco - You are experiencing the "roller coaster" effect of this situation. You will be up one day and down the next. Over time, there will be more good days than bad, but there will be triggers that just make you angry all over again.

It is good that your H is home and is willing to work on your M. Be thankful. My H moved out in Feb and as hard as I try, it is very difficult to solve the problems of a M when you are not together.

You asked how long the anger lasts? I am not so sure it ever goes away. I haven't reached that point yet. It is all how you deal with it. Don't let it consume you. I went through a three week period where I was so angry and felt so much hatred for H and OW. I was thinking terrible thoughts and at one point just prayed that God would take me away (meaning to heaven) from all of this. Fortunately, God didn't do that and I am here still fighting. It was at that point that I decided that I did not like the person I was becoming and that I couldn't do this alone. I prayed to God that he would take control of this situation and help me to deal with the anger. I swear I felt better almost instantly. I found that as long as I am walking with God in this journey, I am a lot better. There are times that something triggers the anger and I just try to take that control back. It doesn't work. Things begin to fall apart all over again. I think you already realized this, but you have no control in this situation - only God does. My advice is to just let him handle it and let him use you as an instrument in achieving his purpose in this. You are right about that too. I feel there is a purpose in all of this. I feel it was mainly a wakeup call for H and me to get back on track with God. To rebuild our M, we need to start with a foundation in God - I am still working on H with this. H keeps exercising his freewill and making alot of bad choices. I think he is coming around, but OW is still lurking around to confuse things. And that is her purpose, to tempt and confuse H. The enemy uses these women to break up our M's. It is up to us to stand up and fight for our M's. That is only possible with God. Let God help you and you will be filled with the peace you seek. In my opinion, it is the only things that works.

I am still struggling with my feelings towards OW. This is not the first time H and OW have had an A. It first happened 4 years ago shortly after they finished the academy. It was also during this time that H lost his mom. He did not handle her death well. He even has said that the kids and I remind him of all his mom went through (she died of cancer). I think that is when he first turned to OW - it started as friendship in the academy and grew from there. They ended it and were apart for 4 years. H saw OW on a date w/ friend and got jealous I guess (Nov '03). It all started again. Anyway, my point is OW knew he was married w/ two kids and yet chose to have A again. I too feel she deserves whatever she is going through being pregnant w/o a man. She deserves the rumors, she deserves some of the same pain she caused me. Not a very Christianlike attitude, and I pray I can get these feelings under control. I think it is hard to get over these feelings until you are able to confront OW.

Anger towards H has gotten better. My main source of anger for him is that he seems to be oblivious to the hurt he is causing kids. I have dealt w/ A and H's role. I have seen him cry tears of sorrow. I know that it was a mistake and I have forgiven him for that. "Forgive as you want to be forgiven". I take that seriously, that is why I have to find a way to deal w/ feelings for OW. At one time, I really thought we could act like adults and get along for all the kids. Then she pulls some other crap and continues to pursue my H and I just feel angry all over again.

The trust issue is tough also. Every time I allow myself to trust H again, H is caught in lie or ommission (which is just as bad). I am with you on that too - if they would just be honest, it would save alot of anger and heartache. I don't think I will fully begin to trust H until he moves home. I question and have doubts about everything. Hard not too though. Again, I know that the only one I can trust fully is God. I trust that he will help me save my M and help us all to find love and happiness again. I just need to be patient and walk with Him.

Gossip in PD is aweful. I found it funny when everyone found out OW was pregnant - it was a big deal trying to guess who the daddy was. Of course, neither OW or H admitted who it was. Funny, if you love someone, wouldn't you stand up for them??? I thought it was funny that H let OW suffer through embarrassment so long by her self. I would think that says alot to OW, but she seems to be clueless about what real love is. Just ignore these people. Hold your head up high and smile at them when they are looking at you funny. It is none of their business what goes on between you and H. It just infuriates me that people have to gossip. Kids and I took H to restaurant for bday recently. One of his academy classmates was there. The look on his face when he saw me w/ H was priceless. I just wanted to say, "I am the wife. He's allowed to be seen in public with me." I thought it was just hilarious. Let them think what they want. You are the one that has to answer for your actions - I would rather fight for M than to take the easy way out and walk away. The vows and covenant meant alot more to me than that.

I have rambled enough. I will talk to you more tomorrow night. I post at night because don't have access at work. Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he says he is tired of living 2 lives, that he loves me, wants to make this marraige work, wants to learn how to love me, and has aways longed for me to love him and is having a hard time dealing with the damage that he has caused and the fact that he has hurt everyone... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

While I don't want to advocate putting a lot of stock into what a WS says until he puts legs on his words...I do want to say amiloco, you should be encouraged by what he has said! The above quote would be music to the ears of many a BW.

Unless and until your H's words are proven to be nothing but bull$**t, I think you should run with this. You have a lot to build on. Read up all you can about Plan A, and then Plan A his butt off. Start by not having any angry outbursts, or making disrespectful judgements. I'd stay away from any discussion regarding ow/OC. Work on the two of you as a couple, work on yourself as an individual. You need to become united before you can make any sound decisions regarding OC. Unless he's blowing a lot of smoke, he seems to be the perfect Plan A candidate. Also, will he consider MC?

Click on "Concepts" at the top of the page to find the info. on Emotional Needs. If your H is serious about all this, you should be able to approach him with the EN's Questionaire. You each need to read through the EN's then fill out the questionaire. After you've finished, find a time to get together and discuss them. By doing so, he can learn how to love you, and you can learn how to love him the way he's always longed for you to do. I think you'll be amazed by what you learn by doing the EN questionaire. This is something you can do quickly, but you should also get a hold of the books, His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. Both can be ordered through this site as well.

I wish you well.

~ad

AM I too am sorry you are here. But like the others have said start plan a. Print it cause you will have to go back and read it again and again. When your M is getting back on track then you can talk about the contact issue. But please just work on your M and the trust that has to be rebuilt. Your anger will get better, God doesn't want you to be this angry and work on that as well. AD's work well in helping with the pain and anger you feel. SO if you haven't call the doc and get some started. I'm glad your H wants to be with his family, most do. Alot work it out and become happier and stronger than ever. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for you! Keep reading and posting and lots of time if you need to vent and scream, come here. We are here to listen to you and most of the time you feel better and don't end up LB'ing all over the place!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D