I am a female who has been married for 13 years. I am a Christian, but you wouldn't know it by recent events. I had a short affair and am now pregnant. I told my husband and he is willing to forgive me. I do not know if the child is his or the other man's. My first instinct is to give the child up for adoption if it isn't my husband's, but how do I explain to my kids that I am giving away their sibling? They are 12, 9, 6 and 2.

I really think that we can heal our marriage because I am in so much emotional pain knowing that I sinned and that I hurt my husband and children that I know there will be no repeats of this sin.

Don't know what to do now that I have irreversibly messed up! Any advice?

Robel,

From someone who was in your shoes just 4 years ago, yes you can survive this, and so can your M(marriage)! I would highly recommend getting the books suggested on this website, and having your H(husband) read and even post on this site as well! In fact, my H was the first to find this site and post first as well. As you can tell from my signature line, we chose to keep the child, and have never had DNA done, so in all aspects, Abbi is my H's and DNA won't ever be a factor in his love for her.

I have a couple questions before I offer any further advice. First and foremost, have you ended the A(affair)? If you haven't, you need to do so IMMEDIATELY! Second, whether you have or haven't ended the A, have you told the OM(other man) about the P(pregnancy)? If you haven't told the OM, how would your H feel about claiming the OC(other child) as his own? I would wait to say anything to the OM, if you haven't already told him, until you know exactly where you and your H stand on this issue.

On a different note, we have also given a child up for adoption(she will be 17 this year) and know what you can/will go through if you choose to give this child up for adoption. Of course, the child we gave up for adoption was before we had our children we have now, so from that aspect, I'm not sure what to tell you.

I can help a little more once you are able to answer these questions. Just know that you are not alone in this situation(others in our situations will most likely be along soon, like Autumnday(also a FWW/former wayward wife) and/or K(a BH/betrayed husband) )

One last thing, just remember that being a Christian, you can ask for and recieve forgiveness! It's not the end of the world, and from the sound of it, not the end of your M either! I look forward to being able to help you in any way possible!

Tigger

robel,

My wife had an affair several years ago that ended up with her becoming pregnant. We kept the child (who is 5 now), our youngest of three.

I'm not sure how you would tell your children about an adoption. It would be strange. Would your husband be willing to raise the child as his own? You already have four, so there's not a major issue concerning child support for him should you divorce down the line. It would be easier to do this (and recover your marriage) if the affair is truly over, if you have no contact with the OM, and if he doesn't know that you're pregnant. In our situation, the OM did know about the pregnancy---but he never pursued a relationship with the child (which is fine by me). We're also not collecting child support from him.

Adoption is certainly a viable option, and much more palatible than abortion. If you feel incapable of raising the child, then that wouldn't be a bad way to go. You might just tell your children that you wanted to give a childless couple a chance to have a baby---but you won't be able to do this in advance (without amino) because you won't know who the father is.

Thank you both for the advice. I did end the affair a couple of weeks ago, but obviously too late. My husband is willing to raise the child, which I think is amazing for him to be willing to do. I did tell the OM and I wish I hadn't, it would be so much easier to do this if he didn't know as I would hate for him to pursue rights if it is his.

ANother issue that haunts me is that this baby will likely not look like his siblings as my spouse is blond and blue-eyed and the OM is partially Hawaiin. I am dark haired and eyed myself, but not dark-skinned. I don't want this child to forever feel like the one who doesn't fit in.

I sorrow for what I have and will put my family through because I was selfish. If only I would have thought of the pain that I was inflicting on those around me before I did this!

Thank you for telling me of your stories because right now I am depressed constantly because I let everyone around me down.

Also did you tell family that the children might not be yours biologically or just leave that part out?

Hello Robel,
I myself have never been in your shoes; regardless, I am sympathetic to what you and your family are going through and pray God's wisdom guide you in the resolve of this difficult situation. I thought I would throw in my 2 cents worth... some of the advice you have recieved is to hide the pregnancy from OM. I myself am not comfortable with this and believe that sins of omission are just as grave as sins of commission. Would you and your H be able to live with the fact that you have brought another man"s child into the world without telling him. What about the fact that in so doing you deprive this child of ever knowing or having a relationship with his biological father?
This can't be easy!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

Peace,
Odyssey

Robel,

Certain people in our families do know of the possibility of Abbi not being biologically H's, but there are also other's who don't have any idea, including our children! As for the concern about the XOM not knowing about her, well, he could have found out, as it was a possibility, and he chose not to. We are perfectly fine with this, as he would have been more trouble than ANYONE is worth, especially with his death threat on my H!!!! So, do I feel guilty about not telling XOM? No, and I never will.

I would just go with your H's lead on this matter. If he wants to have a DNA test, then do so. Otherwise, don't worry about it. Your H has said that he is willing to raise this child along with your other children, so I would basically let him take the lead at this time. I still recommend you direct him to this site! My H recieved much help from K during the early stages of recovery!

Again, as someone who has been in your shoes, I am here to support you in any way that I can! I usually check the boards at least once a day. Let me know if there's anything else that I can help with.

Tigger

Tigger,

I really appreciate your help! I don't know anyone who has been in my shoes so I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I did tell H that I posted here and we will see if he is interested. This is all very new as I have only known that I was pregnant since last Saturday and told H on Friday.

I do have a strong history of miscarriage so this pregnancy may never come full term, but I need to be prepared for whatever we need to face.

My husband is not at all interested in DNA testing, but as I said I think it will be shockingly obvious to everyone probably even our children that this baby is not my husband's due to the fact that it will probably have a dark complexion. My husband said that he would raise a little "brown" baby and love it just as much as the others. I just feel sad that forever we will have to answer questions about this. My H says that if anyone tries to infer that it's not my H's baby we should just laugh it off and it doesn't matter what other people think.

He is being way better about this than I deserve. I deserve to have him leave me and he even said that if he had been paying more attention to me none of this would have happened. I was feeling lonely, but that is no excuse for my behavior.

Have you forgiven yourself, Tigger?

Odyssey,

I have already told the OM. I do think that he probably won't get involved. He seems fairly passive. I agree about the honesty thing. I have done enough lying ans sneaking around and now wish to begin again with honesty in everything.

Thanks for the input.

Robel,

I have to be honest with you, that the self-forgiveness is the TOUGHEST part of recovery! Unfortunately, it has to come at your own time, and that depends on your personality, and how long you want to punish yourself! Even today, I still have twinges, but overall, it's all in the past, and you can't change that, can you? You can only work on making each day, from this day on, count for the better!

I just finished a bible study, called, "A woman after God's own heart", and while it's not something dealing with infidelity, it does talk about how to be a good wife and mother, while having a goal of having a heart like God's. It's an easy read, with questions in the back. I would highly recommend getting this book for yourself! I know that my H has definately noticed a change in my attitude with just about everything! In this last chapter(literally just finished it today), it talks about living each day for the best, to make it a pearl to string on your string of life. In otherwords, live for today, and let tomorrow worry about it's self.

Work on what you can today, rebuilding the foundation of your M and your relationship with your H! The more you are able to do this, the easier your self-forgiveness will come! And just think, if God can forgive you, why can't you just forgive yourself!

See, I'm kind of the veteran FWW w/OC on this board. We didn't have anyone else in our situation, as the FWW, when I came to this board! I so wish that I'd had someone who'd gone through all the pain, anger, frustration, confussion, you name it, that could guide me through those times! Don't get me wrong, many who posted then were awesome in their help, but it's so much better and easier to "hear" when it comes from someone who's been on your side of it. So, if it seems like I'm "jumping" on you, it's because you need as much support during this time as you can get! I can't say it enough, but I will be here for you! Also, if you feel like it may be something that you don't want posted on a public board, you can email me at jnk89_p@yahoo.com. Just give me a heads up here that you sent an email. It's an account that we don't always check.

One other thing, have you read anything else on this site? If not, I highly recommend doing so! Many of the Q&A's will be helpful, as well as the guides such as POJA(policy of joint agreement) and the Plan A/B too! And keep posting! It helps SO much to have any and all advice you can get!

Tigger

Hi Robel~

Seeing as your H doesn't wish to pursue DNA at this point, I would not give x-om any further info. You've told him of the potential. Let it rest, unless or until he tries to pursue the matter further.

Continue to remain in no contact with x-om. If he chooses to look into the possibility of being the bio-father, then so be it, but I wouldn't give him a helping hand. Let him do it through legal pathways.

In most states, your H is the assumed father, by virtue of the fact you were married at time of conception. x-om would be fighting an uphill battle, if neither you or your H contest paternity.

Right now, you should take your cues from your H. He is willing to raise the baby as his own. Heck, the baby may very well be biologically his anyway.

What the baby looks like should be the least of your worries right now. Now is the time to concentrate on getting your M back on track. I understand what you're going through though, as x-om and my H have quite different features as well. What helps in our situation, is that baby has a lot of the same features as our children. Also, as with you, we're not certain baby ISN'T my H's, because we've never done DNA, and don't intend to.

Unless the differences are stark, trust me, people don't see. If they do, then follow your H's lead...it's nobody's business, etc. What will be important, is that your H know's of the possibility, and yet chooses to raise baby as his own. It's a personal decision between the two of you. You have told the truth to the ONLY person you need to at this point in time. IMO, if you and your H are in agreement on this, it is NOT something you have to advertise to the world.

Is x-om married or single? If M, does his W know of the A yet?

Please try to get a hold of the book Surviving An Affair. You can find it on this site by clicking bookstore at the top of the page. Also, please click on concepts and Q&A at the top of the page. You will find lots of valuable info. regarding infidelity, and recovery of marriages. I think you will find the Emotional Needs section to be very eye opening. You should print the EN section, and fill in the questionaire. Don't push it, but see if your H is open to filling out the EN questionaire as well.

Spend as much undivided, alone time with your H, beginning right now...at least 15 hours per week, more if possible. I know it's difficult with children, but hire a babysitter, if you have to. This has so many untold benefits, not the least of which, at the time being, will help you through the withdrawal phase from x-om.

Let your H know you're an open book, and willing to share anything and everything regarding the A with him.

I suggest you get into marriage counseling with a pro-M counselor. Have you gone to your Pastor with this? Perhaps you can start with him?

I wish you well on your journey. You can do this. It won't be easy. Lots going on all at one time, so much to work through, and add to that, being P. Even without a question of paternity, pregnancy brings out so many emotions.

We're here to help you in any way we can. You are not alone.

Warmest regards,

~ad

Hey Woman of faith.

I am so proud of you... you are pretty awesome being honest with OM.
I really like and agree with what autumnday has to say to you.
Oh... and you are very welcome for the input! I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts & prayers.

Peace,
Odyssey

OOPS, sorry Robel... I addressed my last note to YOU to the wrong person !

Peace,
Odyssey

Robel,

How are you doing? Just wondering how things are going right now. I know that the first few weeks, in many ways, are always the hardest for all involved. Check in when you get the chance.

Tigger

robel,,,,,,,,,,,

well you certainly have found yourself between a rock and a hard place. but the good news is that it may only be a temperary visit.

it seems that your h is willing at this point to accept this child and move forward with your relationship. take advantage of this and listen to what he wants.

my w also had a brief A and ended up pregnant. she had the baby and we are raising her along with the rest of our family.

she does receive cs and the om does take his visitation on a regular basis. he was also married with a family.

although we (i) choose the cs road i think that if your h is willing to raise this child without involvement of the om then that is the best way to go.

it has nothing to do with me seeing om every week or baby being a reminder of the A. it is that my w, fullhouse (fh) has a very hard time when the baby is away with her bio dad. this inturn effects our relationship.

i would not worry about the oc's appearance being so different that even your kids notice. i am blonde hair (actually starting to find what some are calling gray) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> & blue eyes, fh is blonde hair & hazel eyes, and the kids were all blonde hair with a mix of blue and hazel eyes. oh and our oc's bio dad is latino.

funny thing about baby's. when the baby was born she had a tremendous resemblence to 2 of her older sisters. so much so that i have to look closely at pictures to be able to tell them apart.

as she has aged she has taken on more of her bio dad's features but that is just the little person she is. and when we are out in public everyone just assumes she is mine.

as far as your current kids go at there ages they will simply accept this baby as their bro/sis. ours did and you would never know that they all are aware of her bio dads existance and that she is not my bio child. to them she is just their sister.

lastly if your h is considering posting here i will be glad to answer any questions or help in any way i may be able.

posting here was a great help for me knowing that there were other men in my shoes. K, sailorman (tiggers h), mo5's h and just learning were all huge inspirations and sources of encouragement.

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Written by Fredel:

I’m having problems getting a password, but am a good enough hacker to get this through.

I’ll post my own stuff soon in other categories, but I wanted to express my appreciation to y’all for the good words for my wife. I have a godly friend to council with and bounce things off of. Robel needs the same and has found it here for now. We’ll bee looking for a home church soon.

robel's off to work and will be in contact with OM tonight. It's too late to do anything about it. She's put in for a move, but it takes time. I have a kind of blind faith she will do the right thing.

I tried desperately to confront him this week before tonight to let him know (1)that I know, (2) what I think about keeping OC, (3) leave her alone, I'll handle it from here. I guess my timing isn't the same as God's. The clock ran out and they are off to work.

Pray for us,


-fredel-

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: robel ]</small>

OK, not fredel. My user name shall be painter. Faithful husband to robel.

roller coaster weekend but I'm hangin in there.
thanx for your support.

Hi Painter, and welcome. Anything we can do for you...let us know.

How's robel? How did work go for her the other evening?

Take good care.

She said she stayed busy all night (morning?) But OM called her after his shift was over (3am). We talked about that possibility and decided she would tell him that I know what went on and that he can't contact her anymore. He didnt seem too happy with that but agreed. She admitted to me that she does have to talk to him at work, but untill she can transfer or quit, she'll stick to busness only conversation.

thank you for asking. I feel a little alone in this as we have'nt told friends or family yet.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Painter ]</small>

Tigger and Pops,

I'm actually doing better everyday. BS is a wonderful man. Better than I deserve. Now the worst struggle is dealing with the pain that I have caused him and wondering if he will ever feel OK again. It kills me that he is in such pain. I know that I should have thought about that before I had the affair. The OM is not nearly the man that my H is.

H and I have actually had some really great talks about what has been missing in our relationship for the past several years. I know we are going to rebuild this thing with God's help.

Current issue is that I need to transfer to a new department where I work as the OM works at the same place. Working on that this week. I am not sure what to do if I can't transfer, but H's feelings are most important and having no contact with OM is vital. I did talk to him at work this weekend and told him that H and I are going to stay married and work this out and that I would have no contact with him (OM) other than what has to be said to work together until I can transfer. He said that he didn't like it, but he didn't have much choice in the matter.

Despite all of my mistakes, I at least feel a little better that I am now doing the right things (even though too late).

Thank you pops for mentioning that your OM child looks like her siblings. That is comforting. I don't want this child to suffer because his/her Mother is an idiot! I feel that if the OM stays out, I would like that situation the best. I don't want to have to deal with him on regular basis. I also am not convinced that this is OM's child, but there is a chance.

Tigger, How are things in your life?

Robel,

Well, our life is quite busy these days. Our oldest is away at summer camp this week, and every day with something that we need to do.

As far as recovery, well, I can tell you that it's tons better, quicker, and easier if xom isn't involved. Just about from day 1, we've not had to deal with the xom, and have been able to concentrate on our M. Some issues still creep up, like hearing xom's name(it's a very common name), that can cause an uncomfortable silence, but those are so small now, that we almost don't notice them.

Over all, we've been able to get to a mostly happy family again.(having a teenaged boy can be trying at times, but I still love him to death!) The love between Abbi and Sailorman is AMAZING! She will sit with him for hours, just talking, hugging, kissing, what ever comes into her mind! Her most favorite thing is usually when he can make it home for lunch, she will ask him if he wants to see her play room;)

Abbi also looks like me and our other D, so it's not an issue. As for if someone says something, well, when Abbi was a baby, and I was at Sailorman's work with her, someone said, "It's a good thing your D looks so much like your W!" and Sailorman's response, "Just like my other D, and I think they are all beautiful!" This was just months after Abbi was born! Another example was just this past April, when our baby(Abbi) needed eye surgery. He told me that I'd better schedule the surgery on a day that he could be there, because, "my baby isn't going to have major surgery with out me being there!" In fact, I think that he took the surgery(2 hours) worse than I did! The love comes easily, if they are willing to let it. It truly sounds as if Painter is more than willing! Just keep up the united front, and follow Painter's lead!

I think that you two will also be added to the list of those who've been able to repair the damage done, and move on and make a better life than you had before.

As for wondering if your H will ever feel ok again, well, I've also be the BS, and can tell you that the pain does go away. The quickest way is when the WS shows how sorry they are for the pain they have/had caused, and are willing to change the reason it happened, or at least be open about it. Now, that doesn't mean that you will become a door mat, but you will be more in tuned to what your H needs, and he, in turn, will become more in tuned to what you need as well!

I don't know if this is exactly what you were asking for, but it's what I felt lead to write to you. I hope you recieved at least a little insight to what I was getting at;)

I'm glad that you are continuing to do better each day. Keep it up!

Tigger