Hi everyone:<P>I have been married 3 years. About 2 months ago, I started an affair with a co-worker. I am not sure what I was expecting when I started the affair, but the OM and I have fallen in love.<P>I know what I am doing is very wrong. I should have ended my marriage (if that's really what I want to do) before even contemplating acting on my feelings for this OM. I have gotten myself in a HUGE mess and have no one to blame except myself. No matter how things end up, someone is going to get hurt. I hate being the one responsible for hurting someone, and can't believe that I have put myself in this position. <P>I am not sure if I want to be married. Although my husband is wonderful, I am not happy. Our relationship has been rocky from the start, but I kept thinking that things would be different once we got married, or once we bought a house. But things aren't different, and I don't know why I am unhappy. I wish I could put my marriage on hold for a while and figure out what to do, but I know it's not fair to ask my husband to sit idly by while I "get my head together". Part of me just wishes he would leave me, so I didn't have to make this difficult decision.<BR> <BR>We are seeing a therapist today. I know she'll tell me to break it off with the OM, but I don't think I can. Also, I can't tell my husband about the affair, because I know he would end the marriage immediately (he's told me in the past that he would leave me if I cheated).<P>I am having a really bad time of it today. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. <P>Thanks.<P><BR>

kl;<P>I'm getting so tired of seeing so many new faces here with the same old problem...<P>You should start reading this website. Order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Harley/Chalmers. <P>One area that you should pay particular attention to is the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: The Rules of Protection (no lovebusters), Care (meet emotional needs), Honesty (complete and total), and Time (15 hrs/week). I bet that you're failing in several areas here---as well as your husband. If you leave your husband for your OM (or someone else), you're going to have the same problems. Again and again. Until you deal with the source of your problems---the fact that you lack marriage (relationship) skills.<P>Hopefully your counselor will help you learn the skills. It sounds like you still have plenty of good feelings for your husband, so I'm betting that the two of you can work through this to build a wonderful marriage. There are lots of steps that you need to take: break off the affair (no contact) with your husband's help, be completely honest with him, both get into counseling, etc. <P>Your husband threatened to divorce you---I said the same stuff before I discovered my wife's affair. And you wouldn't believe the stuff I endured to recover our marriage (and we have done it!). If you tell your husband about the affair, he should be familiar with the "no lovebusting" rule concerning receiving honesty, and he should know about the "Policy of Joint Agreement", should he really want a divorce. If the two of you can enthusiastically agree to divorce, then that's great (you've learned an important marriage skill just at the end). But chances are that you want to try to solve this problem. It's going to be hard, but the rewards are well worth it. And you're going to need to learn these skills to have a successful relationship anyway, so you might as well start now.<P>I'm hoping that you're therapist is a behavioralist who is familiar with Dr. Harley's work. If they are a psychoanalyst, you may want to look for another counselor.

My husband also told me he would leave me if I ever cheated on him...well, I cheated and he didn't leave me.<P>So...do you want to leave your husband for the OM or for other reasons? Is the OM married? What is making you unhappy in the marriage?<P>

First of all, if you haven't already, buy 2 books, Surviving an affair and His needs, Her needs, Both by Dr. Harley. You'll learn much about yourself, your husband and your marriage. And the most important thing you will learn is a list of 10 emotional needs both you and your husband have. It sounds to me like he is not meeting all these needs, that is why you are not happy. As for the other man, your emotions are fooling yourself, he's meeting the needs your husband is not. What your feeling towards this person is not as real as they seem. If your husband is willing to read the books and learn to meet your needs, you will not feel the same about this other person...I promise. However the road is not easy, you have put yourself in a position that will force you to make some decisions. I can't tell you what road to take but if you're honest with your heart, you will know that you should give your marriage a fair chance. If you will put into practice everything Dr. Harley teaches into the books recommended I'm 100% certain you will have a wonderful marriage and you will know you did the right thing. Please read the books before you make any decisions. Then make sure your husband reads His needs, Her needs, I might keep surviving an affair to yourself, at least for now. Someday he will need to know the whole story, but he will need to understand why you got to where you're at before he will understand...Keep us posted with your progress, the people here know what you're going through and can help. We are all in the same boat.

I think rather than putting the marriage "on hold" - you should try putting the affair on hold. <P>The guilt is starting to settle in for you. For many the guilt doesn't even settle in at 2 months - they somehow justify their actions rather than deal with the guilt. Guilt is an emotion that is real, that follows something that you believe. You believe affairs are wrong. <P>Instinctively you know what the right thing to do is, but the pleasure (which will be short lived - guaranteed) is so strong, it has you deceived and confused.<P>Call the affair what it really is - short lived pleasure based on dishonesty and passion. Call the marriage what it is - a marriage unfulfilling but based on commitment, and honor. It is the first step towards recovery. <P>The books are good, also. <P>In my humble opinion, I believe to end the affair you must end ALL contact without explanations, and become accountable to someone to help you through the withdrawal that will be forthcoming. <P>I am sorry this has happened to you, but you can have a better marriage from this point on if you want. You can avoid the heartache of divorce, the humiliation of the affair, and make you marriage the marriage of your dreams. It is all up to you.

Dear K,<P>I have been where you are so I feel very sad for you. It is very hard and there is no easy way out. Whichever way you go is going to be filled with a lot of pain, it is a mess, like you say. I know that mess. Right now you are in an impossible situation. I thought I could do both but found out it is impossible. You can not do both, at least not forever and you are probably feeling very depressed. Also, if you are like me, you do not like living an unauthentic life. It seems wrong and deceitful....and you can't really move on with life.... You say you can't tell your husband, well, he is going to have to know sometime, that is , if you want to leave him for your lover. I have a feeling that you really want to do "the Right Thing" and stay with your husband. Maybe that is something to think about, why haven't you just told your husband everything and left him for your OP? One thing is for certain though, I know this from my own experience, from the stacks and stacks of books I have read as well as everything I have read here, you will not be able to have a good marriage with your husband until the OP is out of the picture. Painful, painful but true. And the longer you hang in there with the OP the more painful it is going to be. I hope your councelor is a good one....

TO kl:Well i can say that you and i are in the same boat,only difference is that we have 2 kids together which you didn't mention so i wasn't sure if you have any,i don't want to get into all my story here but would love to talk with you so if you want to e-mail me please do at chatwithu35@hotmail.com ~JANICE~

Thanks everyone for your replies.<P>In answer to your questions, my husband and I don't have any children and the OM is single. I don't think I want to leave my husband for the OM. If my husband and I split up, I would want some time alone before contemplating another serious relationship. Although I love the OM, I don't want to use him as an excuse to get out of my marriage, and I wouldn't want him to carry the burden of thinking that he was responsible for my marriage breaking up. <P>My biggest fears are (a) that I will wreck my husband's life, (b) that I will wake up at some point in the future and realize what I've thrown away, (c) that I will patch things up with my husband, only to break up in a few years, maybe when there are children involved, and (d) that I will never be happy! <P>I really appreciate everyone's advice. K, you are right on the money when you say I have to learn relationship skills, if not for this relationship then for the next one. I certainly wouldn't want to put someone else through this.<P>Thanks again.

kl,<P>Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I have those same depressing fears. The biggest among them is "will I ever be happy?" That's the scariest!<P>You must break the affair off and get through your withdrawal of the OM before you can look realistically at your marriage. Give yourself time to get over the OM. It clouds all judgement. I know that from experience. It f**ks with your brain! <P>This will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever do -- breaking off with the OM and having no contact whatsoever with him! You will break down and contact him anyway. It's an addiction. And what's worse, you work with him! I worked with my OW. I finally could not take the pain, and found another job (my last day was last Friday). It takes extraordinary measures. And it sucks! But if you really think you want to give your marriage a chance, you must do it. Any kind of contact at all with the OM will not do ANYTHING to help your marriage.<P>keep us posted on your progress! You've come to the right place, and there are lots of people to help you!<P>--andy

kl,<P>Hi. Your story is so very much like my own. So much so it is scary. The things you've written could have been written by me, word for word sometime early last Janurary. The OM in my case was a co-worker (single)- my H is an wonderful man - I had not been happy, probably for years...through this situation there have been many MANY times where I wanted to be on my own...<P>It just amazes me how you write just where I have been. If there is anything you want to talk about let me know. I can't fill you in on the choices I've made and the outcome.<P>I know how you are feeling, and these other great folks have given a lot of great advice. You sound like you are torn...Do you love your H? <P>Let me assure you that it does get better... and Andy is right..the ONLY way to give your marriage a chance is to stop contact with the OM. This was EXTREMELY hard for me but it is working...<P>I'm not sure what else to add. Hang in there ok?<P>-janet

kl,<BR>About telling your husband. It is best to tell. A marriage doesn't break up for honesty but it does for deceit. It is important to gain back the intimacy with your husband and the only way to do this is by being honest. <P>As for happiness, that is a difficult thing to strive for. It is better to strive for doing the right thing and living the way you want to live, the happiness will follow.<P>I hope your therapist will aid you through your struggles and keep posting here and reading. I highly recommend Private Lies by Frank Pittman.<P>I've been where you are and it is very difficult. There is no easy solution any way you look at it. Do what you feel is the right thing to do and then stick with it.<P>Best wishes, <BR>TryingAgain<BR>

kl,<P>I'm pretty new here as well, about a week and your story is also very similar to mine. I have no children, married 8 years. Been involved with OM (co-worker) for 2 years but he's married. It's been broken off for 4 weeks and I'll still deeply in withdrawal. A tiny bit better though.<P>We both need to find another job. I know what you going through and seeing the OM everyday hurts so much.<P>Everyone here has been so kind and the advice is wonderful. It's truly a great source of support.

Hi! I am very much in the same boat and don't know what to do. I really do want to talk to you. Please email me at jettl@mail.dmh.state.mo.us. I hope to hear from you soon.