Hi all,
Its been a while since I posted. A quick update: I have a beautiful 11 month old baby, and am working on a happy marriage with my husband and life has been good.
Problems....x-om (who is darling baby's biological father) is asking for visitation. Now baby has only know my H as his daddy, and we have lots of family here. the thought of sending him 4 hours away to visit with x-om, his wife and three children is just unimaginable to me. I never wanted contact. I never wanted to see x-om again.
A lot of you ladies on here are BW who believe in no contact. I can't think of any who have pushed for contact unless for some kind of monetary advantage. Does this make sense to anyone?

Thanks,

e.

Who is on the birth certificate, H or Xmm?

Why would the baby have to go four hours away for visitation? Why wouldn't the visitation take place at a location convenient for you?

I realize you'd probably prefer no visitation at all but perhaps he wouldn't be so anxious if it meant he, his W and 3 kids had to travel the 4 hour distance.

Speaking from my personal experience - I know the thing that my H fears most right now is that OW won't let him be a part of the OC life. He realizes that the A was a mistake, but he does not think OC should not know her father. OC is not born yet and H has just committed to working on M. OW is getting nasty about things. H is just afraid she will try to leave him out of OC life.

Maybe OM is just experiencing guilt for not being there for his child. Maybe it is just curiosity.

I would definitely push for first visit close to you. Maybe he will see that your child is happy with life as is and leave it at that. Maybe he just has a need to see with own eyes that your child is taken care of. Take it one step at a time. Things will work out. He does have the right to be a part of his son's life.

Saying a prayer for you.

e,
most (or all?) states consider your H the father unless it is legally established otherwise in first 2 years. Consult state law to be sure, but unless xom is on the birth certificate, he should have no legal rights. Hopefully he won't pursue it.

IMOp, it is best for both families if there is not visitation. Let each concentrate on their marriage (and the children who live with them)!! A few might argue, but do what is right for your family and don't stress.

If you are happily working on your marraige & things are going well........I would push to have OM rights signed away immediately & H to adopt your child as his.

I would also be sure to let OM know that if he's up to taking 'responsibility' (against your wishes) for your child then it will also include financial responsibility as well, it might make him back off.

But I would really push for the adoption if you do not want OM in your life. It is for the best.

If not........om does have a right to know his child-----although wierd that he thinks about it now--maybe his marriage is healed enough as well so he can safely begin to pursue a relationship w/ 'his' child (no offense to your H who has been the real dad). He & his W may be on a solid foundation to risk re-opening this old wound, so to speak, to do what he thinks is the right, responsible & moral thing. (????)

Are you getting CS from him or did he initiate this himself? Legally or by just C you personally?

Thanks for all the replies.... I appreciate them all.

As of now my H is on the birth certificate as the presumptive father. We have a court date soon that will establish paternity in x-om's favor. I've been praying that we could quietly and privately establish paternity but that has not worked out.

The adoption by my H is always a possibility but we're one year into recovery and I think a part of my H is fearful to make a commitment to another child when things here are so new. As so many of you know the road to re-building trust can be slow at times. My H loves the baby and baby loves him... that's not the problem. It goes more into H thinking that I'll get 'tired' of him again, divorce him, and he'll have three children to be separated from and paying support for. Unfortunately, because of my A, my telling him that I'll love him forever doesn't hold as much as weight.

Another reason I'm nervous about visitation is that x-om doesn't really want contact. He says he wonders about Baby and how he's doing but he wants to move on with his life as well. His wife and his oldest daughter(soon to be 18) are pushing for contact. They think Baby has room for more love and a real relationship with 'his dad'.

My gut reaction is to prevent visitation in any way possible. I'm thinking to have a large CS order levied against him so that he can't afford to drive down here and get the baby for weekends. Or to prolong court proceedings by involving court psychologists and the like. I don't want to do any of this. I just want what's best for Baby... so I know I need to think about this some more.

Thanks again for the replies....

Hi e~

So good to hear from you, I've missed you.

If adoption, and/or not seeking CS is a possibility in the future, is there a way you could approach this with your H now? I know you know my thoughts on this after our discussions. I still think there's a chance x-om, and his W will back off V, if you guys don't pursue CS. I know this is pretty much a sticking point with your H, but I would encourage you to POJA this with him. He can't be too happy about having to send baby off, four hours away.

Knowing the law as you do, is it possible for you to draw up papers stating, that in the event of D, you will not seek CS from H for baby? I have no idea if that's a legal possibility, but if so, it seems like something that might put your H's mind at ease.

I'm worried if you try to levy the CS way up, it may backfire on you, possibly angering them, and causing them to pursue even more V.

My heart goes out to you e. I wish you all the best, in whatever happens.

Lots of prayers, and hugs...

~ad

E,

I, too, am happy to see you posting! I've often wondered how things were going for you and your family. I agree with everything that Aut had to say! You may end up fighting even MORE visitation if you raise the CS request! But, I think that you should do all that you can, because it just seems odd that xom doesn't really want visitation, but the BW and their 18 yo D are pushing the issue! What kind of contact have you had with them in the past? Was this an all of a sudden thing?

I don't believe that ANY court would send an 11 mo 4 hours away from you and the only family he's known, at least not right away! I would say that if it does end up going to court for the visitation, that you stand firm on having supervised visitation for the first couple visits, and until your S is comfortable with xom and family, they should come to your area for the visitations.

I wish that I had better things to offer you! Good luck and please keep us informed!

Hugs and prayers for the E29 family!

Tigger

e29

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have a court date soon that will establish paternity in x-om's favor. I've been praying that we could quietly and privately establish paternity but that has not worked out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who's pushing for establishing paternity?? And why???

If you need the child support to help raise this child, then this is a necessary evil, and the OM will have rights to visitation (that he may choose not to exercise). If your husband is doing this to get him off the hook for future child support payments---I'd ask him to look at the formula and see if it's worth it. I was in the same boat (2 children, 3rd as an OC), and the third kid doesn't really add that much to the equation. I wouldn't think it'd be worth the issues to your marriage to do this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As of now my H is on the birth certificate as the presumptive father. We have a court date soon that will establish paternity in x-om's favor. I've been praying that we could quietly and privately establish paternity but that has not worked out.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, first you have to know if H really wants to be this childs father. Do you guys want to go after Xmm for child support?

As far as I know, check the laws in your area. I have been through this with Xmm. My H was automaticaly put on my daughter birth certificate. Xmm had a noterized paper with my signature stating he was the father. Xmm had brought me to court to get rights to her. Xmm lost. According to the judge, even if Xmm had a DNA test proving to be the bio father, my H is automaticly her dad due to her being conceived and born in a marrige. The only way to change it would have been for H to contest it.

So if you don't want Xmm in your life, check out the laws. This case that we won on went all the way to the supreme court. So even with Dna proving Xmm is the father, its up to your H.

CM~

e knows the laws of her state like the back of her hand. I don't want to totally speak for her, but I believe they are doing paternity, because her H wants CS from x-om, much like pop's sitch, (only not for age/health reasons).

e~ I think I got that right, set me straight, if not.

Ok, didn't know the full story.

At the time Xmm took me to court, I could have gotten over $800 a month CS from him. Knowing what I know now, I'm so GLAD i didn't go for it.

e29,
I could be wrong...but have you looked into the difference of what the child support would be if your H and you Divorced. I thought the amount between two kids or three was very small? If your H saw that financially he wouldn't have to pay much more if you happened to D in the future maybe he wouldn't be such a stickler about it.
My H doesn't want to pay for xmm babies either. So I fully understand where your at. Luckily XMM isn't pressing for reg. visitation yet. He talks about it in the future...but by then the kids will be older and hopefully I will be okay with it then.

Ok so you are pursuing CS BUT you do NOT want OM involved?

This is where our opinions would diverge. I completely disagree. You just can't have it both ways, unless that is OM choice. Yes, that would be convenient & maybe best for baby but so what.

OM has his rights & if he chooses to be involved, in whatever capacity that is-it is his right.

I completely disagree about the supervised visits as well. Maybe a few to allow baby to be introduced, & BOTH spouses present but after that-----OM should be left alone to develop his own relationship w/ OC, & OC left alone to develop his own relationship w/ his other family & father.

I would say that to any OW, you all know that. I am sorry but that is just a fact of life in these situations.

As a mother, damn right it would be hard & i feel for you in that regard, but OM has no history for you to suspect anything negative so.......(as far as I know right?) so there is no reason NOT to trust him. He has children of his own that he helped raise......he has a W willing & able to also help & support him here.

Even though not legally, I feel the siblings (& by association the W) have a right to know thier sibling, if they so desire.

So if OM really wants to develop a relationship w/ OC, then I think you should be as cordial as possible & try your best to facilitate this process runs smoothly. Do whatever YOU can, within your power to accomodate this.

IF H is uncomfortable w/ OM in OC life then he should really think harder about what he wants from OM & for OC too. Does H want to be the 'father' in every sense, which includes financial support.......or not? Will it REALLY be worth the CS in the end?

This is a tuff one & I am sorry that you are in this situaiton, self-inflicted or not, I know it is still painful for everyone involved & I hope for all of your's sakes that OM chooses not to be involved but........here's to hopin'.