I am not sure what to say about my story its very long but I will sum it up as much as I can....
My husband had an affair in 2001 I really didnt know much about it just suspected with his erratic behavior... I had just gotten over and forgiven an affair in 1997.

I only found out because the OW started to call me and eventually stalk me.

Well long hard road and lots of hell later I began to investigate him on my own and all these calls I was getting in reference to my husband.... during this time my MOM was dying of cancer but once she passed I had time to figure it all out.....I had hard evidence and he finally confessed in AUG 2003 by then I had been given all kinds of info from OW we actually had a conversation for the first time in Dec 2002 but my husband explained it all away then the hardcore stalking started. Well we worked on our marriage then in OCT 2003 some papers came in the mail stating he was being sued for child support and was found in default the father he never showed for the hearings! (WHAT HEARINGS?) I was thrown of course. Since then we were united fighting these "LIES"
lots of money later and me forcing him to take the test and court ordering her to submit to it.
APRIL 2004 I find out the OC is his. Heartbreaking to say the least, I choose to leave him that was the last straw..... Well I was looking for the FREE Legal Aid to help me seperate from him, they had me waiting too long we kinda recognciled..... I helped him get the old case thrown out due to technical stuff and so he would not owe all the arreages. OW would have to get a REAL divorce from her husband and start a new case to collect from MY Husband.

I thought about it long and hard and decided to actually pay for my own lawyer and go through with the seperation.

The thing is my husband doesnt want to have anything to do with the OW or HER CHILD. He actually hates them.... he feels its all their fault he is losing me and has hurt our children. I know he is nuts but I really could care less.

My problem is up until Aug 30th he had to keep going back to court to get the old Case completely stopped and closed. OW kept it alive till then, NOW because I have some inside information I know she started a new case.

I told my husband and he said to teach her a lesson he is going to try to get full custody which I know he doesnt want and wont get and he is going to get visitation and take the child to OW fathers home which she hates. He said he will work with her father and get visitation and let the OW father have the child the whole time as payback. I am not happy about this WHY because as I stated earlier SHE is my stalker and I fear that she will TRY to hurt my children or home in some way.
I know he loves me and wants me and maybe down the road we could get back together but for now I want far away from this crazy mess. BUT the OW blames me for the man hating her and hating her child......I am worried she will lose her marbles and do some more insane stuff. I already have warrants our for her arrest for stalking so she moved to another state with her husband, whom she has now divorced in order to be able to go after myhusband legally.

I guess my question is; What do you think about this and has anyone gone through this?
I want no contact with xow or her kid. I know my husband feels he has betrayed our children as well by the meer existence of the child, which is another long story I will have to explain later, thus he hates the child along with its mother.

Cordella: I am an xow and you will receive lots of good advise here....my only concern is "her kid". Since you have gone nc, why allow your husband do this to this child? The child is just as innocent as your kids as well. I understand the feelings towards the xow, but please don't allow your husband to do this to this child. It's not the child's fault. Although I don't agree that you used her husband as an escape goat on cs as he had nothing to do with your husband and xow baby, I'm not judging you on that, I'm just wondering what these two adults are doing with this child? Sounds like neither one deserve to parent this child. You have warrants out for her. If she comes back to the state she will be arrested. What more do you want? Your husband got himself in this mess with HER. He at the very least has to pay cs. Even if your husband gets joint custody (which I'm sure at this point may or maynot be hard the old case will be brought up) he will BE FORCED to pay cs. You can't get around that. You will have to accept that. I hope you can reconcile with your husband as I think your strong enough to deal with this mess your husband and xow got you into. But for God's sake please leave the child out of it. The child will have enough to deal with if his mother is as nuts as you say. Why should your husband go down to her level? Sounds like your husband has no buisness even going near that child with him hating this child. Tell if you and husband did divorce and you made him so mad how would YOU feel him putting YOUR kids in a situation that is possibly unsafe and just in general not a good place for the child to be? If he is doing this to one of his own flesh and blood and he could do it to another. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

Cordella states: The thing is my husband doesnt want to have anything to do with the OW or HER CHILD. He actually hates them.... he feels its all their fault he is losing me and has hurt our children. I know he is nuts but I really could care less.

Okay don't you see something wrong with that phrase? I understand you hating the ow more so than him.......after all I'm sure she did not rape him and DNA did prove he is the father.....which is only taking responsibltiy. It also sounds like this was at least a long term affair if this is the same one from the first confortaion. He has NO reason to hate her over this....I think he hates her for him getting caught bottom line.....no other reason. He should of thought about that before he slept with her. Although I don't totally agree with the abondment thing......I must say after reading your post, I do agree with nc more so than ever before......not only did your husband deney the exstanst of HIS child, but you also helped him get away with not paying child support and used another yet innocent man just as YOURSELF is innocnet. I guess I have a lot of problems with your post even for the most hatard I've ever heard over the oc. I'm probally so out of line, but I'm just like WOW!!!!!!!!! I will leave this now. I'm sorry I'm just amazed.

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cordelia:
<strong>
he said to teach her a lesson he is going to try to get full custody which I know he doesnt want and wont get and he is going to get visitation and take the child to OW fathers home which she hates. He said he will work with her father and get visitation and let the OW father have the child the whole time as payback.......

.......thus he hates the child along with its mother. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the saddest thing I have ever read. Why use an INNOCENT CHILD as a pawn in some sick twisted game.

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: nycmedic ]</small>

needtomoveon, OK I am not sure why YOU are responding like you are, unless you went through something like this.

I only am stating the facts on his mentality, and him trying to throw all the blame on the OW and the child and not really owning up to the fact that its his own FAULT that he lost me.

Lets SEE needtomoveon "what more do you want?"
I want to not be stalked further. I want to be left out of this by not being constantly contacted by the pshyco XOW in various ways, because my husband wont speak to her so What do I have to do with it.

The one in 1997 was not the same one that started in 2001 and resulted in a child born in 2002.
The XOW told MY husband she had dropped the CS case as long as he kept talking to her, because it may not be his but her husbands, but if he didnt want to lose his wife ....... he better do this or that(blackmail).
SO the CS hearings came and went over a long year in 2003 thats why I didnt know till the end of 2003. Xow actually stole the court notices from our mail box and the one that he did get that I didnt know about he confronted her and SHE actually forged a letter for him saying things were dropped and gave him a number to call to confirm so he wouldn't show for the hearing, thus finding him in default and getting screwed.

LIKE I said very manipulative and pshycho OW, too long a story.

I am not helping him get out of paying just paying from way back from the birth in 2002, the overdue INTEREST (arreages)that's all.

I think he deserves what he gets for commiting adultery. I would not mind if he were ruined.
Her husband thought it was his child initially till I had my husband force the paternity test and they finally threatened to throw her in jail if she didnt show.
SHE lived 2 seperate lies in my state telling the courts it was MY husbands and in her state telling all it was her husbands.

IS there anyone else available with similar experiences?

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: Cordelia ]</small>

Sorry, just disagree with someone seeking full custody of a child they "hate" and do not want.

And if the mother is a psycho, why ask for trouble? What good would come out of it? I say stay NC...H pays the cs and move on.

NYCMEDIC
I know thats not a good Idea , he is desperate at this point. NOW the OW father lives in this state and is not a bad person per say just thinks badly of his daughter and told her she didnt deserve to have children the way she ran her life and threatened to take her child like he did her brothers child for not taking care of it. THE OW fears that more than anything thats why MY H came up with the stupid idea.

I tell him she is mentally unstable and not to do that. I really think he may be doing it to kind of blackmail me into staying with him as well as hurt her.
I really dont know I am very confused but from all that I have uncovered about the psycho and her past and speaking to her husbands relatives that live here she is really mentally ill and manipulative and a pathological liar.

Well he needs to get over this "teaching her a lesson" thing. Maybe he is just angry and doesnt really mean it and it will pass. Just ignore him or change the subject when he says that, you keep the cool head and encourage him to follow through legally... avoid any high drama stuff.

Cordella, it helps knowing more.......I know I came off like I did, but I was just like WOW!!!! No the only simularties is that I'm and xow with an oc.....sorry. But I do know how I feel about all my kids....and I would not want ANY of my kids anywhere they are not wanted. I understand what your saying with the ow doing all that.......that is just sick, but at the same time your husband needs to slow down and just do what is legal and even though he hates this child, his heart can't be so cold to do something that is not good for the child. These situations are hard enough to be made worse. I'm sure her husband is not very happy with her right now either. She told your husband that she would not presue cs if they stayed in contact? I don't know........The whole thing is strange, but I guess I put my kids needs above my own petty needs. You are doing the right thing by doing the legal channels. NO you should not let anyone stalk you. I did not mean that at all. Maybe her father should try and take custody of the baby. Then you guys can help him out with cs and know the child is in good hands at least. IF she is that bad really....What is in the best interest of that child? Your husband hates the child and it sounds like your saying she is an unfit mother...... so why not talk to the father? Maybe you can be the sound of reason with your husband.

Enough chastising and criticising Cordelia for circumstances and decisions SHE did not make!!! If she had any control over her H's choices and decisions, she wouldn't have a need to be here at all!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Cordelia,

I'm sorry for the initial poor welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry you found the need to be here. This IS a good place to get advice, suggestions and formulate a plan to rebuild your life. Discovering your H has been unfaithful is devastating. Finding out about an OC only multiples that pain.

There are unfortunately many members here dealing with situations similar to yours. Weekends are slow so it may take awhile til you get responses from those with first hand experiences but they will be along soon.

What are YOUR plans right now? Are you and your H still together? Do you plan on trying to save your marriage? How long have you been married? How about your children? Are they old enough to know what's going on and how are they coping with this?

Please stick around and continue to post. There are kind, compassionate, supportive posters here willing to share their experiences and knowledge.

Cordelia, yes, welcome to MB......you are in the right place.

I can understand & appreciate how frustrated you must feel, being thrown into a situation you could never have dreamed of being in much less imagined.

YOU did not choose this, ask for it or deserved it.

Your H & OW created this mess & drama & it is wise to do what you need to do to protect yourself & your children & let 'them' figure it out.

don't let anyone discourage you or make you feel like you need to do anything for this OC or persuade your H to do anything either. IT is his mess to clean up NOT yours.

If HE was here then we'd tell HIM a thing or two...but he's not soooooo..... None of this 'mess' is your responsibility to clean up, fix, repair or even CARE about.

You already stated you were legally separating right? Is H out of the home? Does he want to work on his marraige w/ you? I understand he may have gotten in over his head & is just as angry & confused as you are.

he may be angry @ OW for her blackmail & craziness but eventually he will realize (& he needs too) that he CHOSE this. he made the ultimate decision to be w/ her & anything else that happens stems from HIS initial decision.

My H used to think & say things like that @ first. But uhhhh hello? can you spell DENIAL? I was like wake up buddy-the only one that can blame someone else is ME! SO once he took responsibility for HIS actions..then things started to fall into their rightful places.

We all say things out of anger sometimes that are just plain stupid!
*******
*******
How are you dealing @ this point? WHere are YOU @ w/ the whole process?..yes it IS a process, no matter which direction it takes (D, seperation or reconciliation).

Take care of yourself right now & don't even think of OW & OC. They are NOT your responsibility. Take walks, or some form of daily excercise, eat right. You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids. How are they holding up through all of this madness? Watch them for any signs of trouble or stress.

Breath.
We are here for you.

& as nerly said..it is usually slow on the weekends but hang in there.....you are in the RIGHT place.

hugs...(((((cordelia)))))

I know what it feels like, when you fear for your children's safety. So although it is his mess to clean up as well as the OW, the woman is stalking you and is obviously not stable... so even though you may have little to worry about with her out of state , having warrants etc... as a parent you always worry and it is not fair that on top of everything you must now worry for the safety of your children.
I apologize if my initial post sounded a bit harsh,,, I didnt read your entire post and was quite taken aback by your husbands idea of seeking custody...and stopped reading at that point. Anyway, I think he will calm down after a while... and a custody battle is VERY expensive and destructive and once he speaks to an attorney and figures that out he will most likely change his mind. Hopefully he figurs this out before he sayas something stupid to OW to rattle her chain.

maybe some reverse psychology? tell him sure go for it...go ask the lawyer about getting fc and maybe he'll drop it then.

Does he realize that you are in fear of your children's safety? He is totally going about this all wrong.

I would encourage NC with the OC as well as he doesnt seem like a person that has anything postive to add to this child's life but hatred.

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: nycmedic ]</small>

Needtomove on said:

"not only did your husband deny the existenst of HIS child, but you also helped him get away with not paying child support..."

FOOEY!! You did NOT do anything of the sort! You gave your H money- you are married and even during crises or a spouses TOTAL wrongdoing- we share finances. This is a TERRIBLE situaion for her- and SHE has no time or heart do deal with OC. She has children and she and her H are in a state of horrid confustion.

People say crazy thing like her H is- but I guarantee he will not follow thru with this drama. And besides, kudos to you honey for having the STRENGTH to separate and to cover your bases like a strong woman should.

NTMO- I do NOT appreciate you as saying some of the things you said to Cordelia. She is torn apart and she is NOT her H or OW who made this mess. She is stating what THEY are doing. And she is getting stocked by OW- WOW- what more YOU WANT FROM HER?

Cordilia, you have NO time or heart to allow tis this OW and H's crazy behavior to hurt you or yhour children. Please stay strong and come here for support. There is so much I have learned here.

hugs!!! what a mess...

Well I am glad I decided to come back, I wasn't going to.

I never gave my husband money first of all, I had none to give He supported me and the kids. I only had parttime jobs and mostly stayed home over the last 4 years.
I just am a very able person when it comes to legal things and since I was use to dealing with judges and lawyers ect, I helped him figure out the laws and How to not get wages garnished for some back CS We knew nothing about.
Dont forget I am going to be affected by this as well since we were married for 16yrs. My tax return......and assets.

I read my initial post and I can see i may not have come across clearly, but just so much to tell.

My husband got a bad reaction from our kids when I told them what was going on.....first of all we agreed way back with the past affair that if he and I divorced that we would not have other children and strap our kids with half brother or sisters that they didnt live with full time.
We made a promise to them, HE broke it and thus the kids hating him in a way and since they are teenagers they are very emotional. My husband made many promises to them including that one and they felt betrayed and cheated. I dont even want to get into the problems that they go through since the discovery of the affair much less the OC. We had no choice but to inform the kids they had already known out of the blue some woman started stalking us and had to know why.

My husband N I were going to repair the marriage at first, since he convinced me there was no way in hell that the child was his, I supported him in trying to uncover the true father and leaving us alone-she was obsessed.
I was with him 100% to rid us of the stalker and the "LIES" my only stipulation was that if it turned out to be hischild WE were over, because then my stalker would be in my life forever.

I tried to seperate right away when I found out but the legal aid had me on a waiting list then said they would only be able to help on 6months to a year ect or not at all. I kind of got caught up in helping him, and we were contemplating working on the marriage, then when things settled down he seemed upset that I was still upset so i decided to go forward with my seperation and got a job to pay for it.

Thats were I am at right now, but all the problems are still on ME to solve. I am overwhelmed and confused to say the least.

MY husband seems very remorseful and wants his family to stay in tact. I think too much damages has been done. I wont abandone him I still love him but cant take all this anymore. I am not interested in running out and finding a new husband to replace him I wont ever marry again. I just dont want to live with him anymore and all the craziness that is going on and the bad situation that he put me in.
I cant live without his money right now but I am getting CS and alimony according to my lawyer.

If the OC were not in the picture- I truely feel he would be the best husband in the world I think he knows what he had and has lost.

Cor, sorry to have to welcome you, but you have found a great place for support. Sounds like you have your hands full. I guess my question to you is do you want to be back w/ your H and work on your M? If I didn't I would just do as you have done w/ the restaining order. And just on w/ my life. Let him take care of his mess and worry about your children. I'm like otheres with doing contact as a way to "get back at her" The child deserves more than that. All the children involved would suffer and thats not good. I wish you the best of luck and we are here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Cordelia,

I am so sorry to welcome oyu here, but you have come to a good place. We are very supportive of each other and are truely concerned about each others well being. None of us asked to be here ( in this situation ) but since we are here it is better to have a support group than to go it alone. Do not have any doubt about finding a place you can vent, scream, explain, talk, or just listen. You have found it in us - AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU TO LEAN ON!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

we all are in different stages and have found different solutions to our problems, but one thing remains the same - YOU MUST BEGIN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! Your H will have to take care of himself. You can not fix him trust me I tried for a long time now. They have to come to that conclusion on their own, and unfortunately some H's dont. I depend on my H too for monetary support, but thankls to the courts he has to pay us enough to keep the life we are a customed to going. So have a little faith in your attny and God to supply what you might need to continue.

My prayers a with you and please continue to post. we care about your thoughts on this matter and aboput your mental well being. It is tough to deal with this as it is and it is even tougher when you have to do it ALONE!! You are not alone here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So keep your head up!!

Talk to you soon.

JT

You poor thing. But lets get to a few things shall we?

1. The ow in your case is quite common actually, using her child to try and control your husband. Her flimsy "I won't go after child support if you........" They are all about blackmail, etc.
This is very common amongst the ow. Typical.

2. Her stalking you? Well, another typical ow move. She is angry that she has been left in the dust. Deep down she knows she is nothing to him and she is lashing out at you. Typical behavior of an ow. Blame the wife.

3. Your husband probably does hate her. Why not? She is the woman who helped him destroy his family. Sure, he was there, and he knows how stupid he was. But yes, he does hate her. He hates that she had the child, hates that she has been blackmailing him, hates her for stalking you. Yes. He does hate her. Hating the oc? Well, he probalby hates that the oc exists. He hates the mess that oc presence has created. He hates that his children are mad at him cause of oc. He hates that this is tearing his family apart. So yes, he hates the oc. Like it or not, mature or not, he sees oc as a problem. He is angry cause his world is falling down and while he needs to face up to the fact that it is his fault, he will always hate the ow for what she represents. The worst in him, and he knows that she was not worth what he is facing now. His hatred for the oc is not directly hating the child, but the situation. Rather normal.

4. Going for custody? Spending time with ow father? This is all leverage too. Fact is he CAN get custody of that child, or at leat 50% of it. He CAN allow that child around her father. It is not illegal. He wants to hurt ow.

Personallly, I would be getting child support on your children as quickly as possible, through legal separation at this time. Protect all family financials for the family it was intended.

I think you husband is digusted, with himself, with her and with oc. He hates what he has done, hates her for being part of it and hates the oc existance. (He does not hate the child, he is hating the situation). He is lashing out and fighting back.

I think you need to read through this site as well as he. I think that with all of this anger, you need to understand that child support will be a given. However, you can save your marriage.

Another thing. Keep close tabs on what she is doing. She sounds unstable and you can sue her if she starts harrassing you. Don't let her control your marriage, she isn't worth it. Handle things legally and send her on her way.

The oc/ow are not your problem. You owe them nothing. But if she starts harrasing you, hit her hard.

Your husband sounds like he loves you very much and truly hates what he has done, who he did it with and the damage it has done to you and your children. Will he go to counseling? He needs to learn to accept responsibility for what he has done you YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. Then the two of you can move forward with your lives.

FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR LIFE. An oc is like a bug. They are around, but you can live with it.

I am not sure if I want to reconcile or not.

I love how hard he is trying when he does. Not happy with the effort put forth in the legal aspects.

I look at him and am consumed with all the bad thoughts of every lie I figured out, and the fact that he gave the stalker so much info on me, that made it so easy for her to torment me.

I am sick of the stuff that I had to go through all that time. I am a kinda DR. Jeckell Mr. hyde myself I feel love then seconds later hate.

I am fearing the worse and just want to get away from the whole situation but it seems impossible, always something coming up.

I cant even find the woman to serve her with papers for the court cases I have against her. She is hiding well she knows that if I dont serve her the court cant take action.

My husband tried to little too late to tell me where she was by then she had moved and wont tell my husband where she is cause she is with her husband now.

So I feel if I leave him to deal with this mess by himself then I can see if I really love him enough. I have never llived without him my entire adult life. I need to get away to figure stuff out, fate seems to keep throwing us back together. I just found out I need surgery on my arm that I hurt falling down some stairs at work last month. SEE I cant seem to become self dependent.

Its hard enough to find a well paying job- I cant seem to. I work parttime basically to pay for my lawyer and the few personal items I need.


I am welcoming suggestions.

To LynnG; it is common for OW to stalk?

I am at odds about this situation. I just assumed the ow was plain psycho, and as her relatives said before they knew who I was, SHE watches too many soap operas and thinks they are real.

Thank You for the well thought out response.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Cordelia ]</small>

An ow is not a normal person in the first place. Think about it. She knowingly allows herself to get involved with a married man. KNOWING all along he has a wife at home. Then, when she is left by that man, she cries foul. Suddenly she is a victim, everything is his fault. She calls him a coward if/when he returns to his marriage, begging and pleading forgiveness and another chance. Heck I read a bit ago, where an ow actually thinks that wives are all sweet and kind and will do anything to keep him from straying...LMAO at that one. Hardly the case is it? Back to the topic. OW do not deal with the truth much. They paint themselves as the poor hapless victim. They hardly can say "well, I got what I deserved" when they are rejected.

As for stalking? Our ow would stare at our children. Literally. She would be at soccer games and stare daggers at our daughter. She used to drive by our home constantly. Typical behavior. It's like they want to watch you live or something. It's not like she can have the support of others in this, afterall, if she gets hurt, who cares? She asked for it. Society judges them harshly. They know it. So they turn inwords. Then they blame the wife. They like to think you are at home begging and pleading for him to stay. Stuff like that. They are clueless in the truth. They simply can't comprehend the fact that this man thinks she is scum and can't believe what he has done. They think he stays for the children. HARDLY. Most ow are so far deep into denial, they have to lash out. And who do they blame????? The wife. Yours sounds worst then most. Keep the law on your side and report her constantly when she harrasses or stalks you.

I have always been a strong believer in using proper legal channels to keep the ow from harrassing. Sure, you can't find her now, but once she gets him served with cs papers, you can serve her back. Keep good track of what she has done. You would be surprised at what can happen. You can count on her winning child support...thus make dang sure you make all financial moves with that in mind. Is it legal in your state to have raises sent to a retirement fund? Stuff like that. That way she can't get more $$. A good laywer will help you here. However, as you enter the world of the courts, know one thing, the law looks out for everyone. NOT JUST THE OC. So if the ow is harassing you she will get slapped. Just make dang sure you slap her quick when she crosses the line. If you want contact and she starts playing games, the courts will deal with her. If you want no contact (which I believe is best for the nuclear family), and she starts mailing photos, emails, etc. she can get slapped with harrassment charges. The law will protect you too. Don't ever forget that.

Another thing. Don't ever buy into the "what is best for the oc" as an argument. The oc is not the only one hurt and you and your children should not have to sacrifice your life for that child. Your husband also would be right in going no contact, to save his family. Afterall, they are hurting and he owes them a chance at a decent life. The oc and ow take their piece of the hurt pie and move on with their lives too.

Right now I think you are raw. You emotions are all over. Your husband sounds like he would do anything to keep you, and therefore will keep ow/oc out of your lives if that is what you two decide upon.

Has he read this site yet? Can you get the book and go from there? Slow down, take a few deep breathes and think this out. He sounds like he is deeply ashamed and remoresfull for having an affair. He sounds like he truly is sorry that he has hurt you. He just sounds lost. You say you have helped him legally, great for him. He sounds lost as to what to do legally. So help him help your family. He is probably so deeply ashamed of it all that he has a hard time even admitting it. The ow/oc are truly an embarrassment to him. And their very presence is what is causing his marriage to fall apart. This is killing him inside, He does not want to lose his wife and children. Can you at least try to talk to him?

I am aware that others here are ow with oc, or bw with oc in their lives. So my words sound harsh. However, by saying a man is ashamed of an oc, and embarrased by the oc, it is not the child itself, but the whole sordid mess he created. The child is a reminder of that mistake. This is a classic example of where no contact would be best for all involved. My husband is disgusted that he has an oc. It does embarrass him. He is so ashamed of it all. But he can't complain about it, he did it. THat is a hard pill for a man to swallow. Knowing that he has hurt his wife and children? That would be awfull.

Keep posting here. You will get good and sound advice from some wonderfull women who have seen it all. You will also have to suffer some annoying ow who will be appalled at the thought that the ow/oc are thought of harshly (NMTO...not understanding why your husband would hate the ow.....heeeeeellllllooooooo), they will play the poor oc card. Don't fall for it. That is their piece of the pie talking.

Cordelia,
You have almost the same time frame as me add on a year....d-day 2000 Nov...confession by H, no oc...yet...

Your H sounds like a conflict avoider....deal with it through this web site by counseling with Steve Harley...a wealth of advice and tools to make you both see how a marriage works.

Our ow was/is still married, 3 kids plus oc.


We pay cs/health ins.

Ow stalked me from the time H moved home before oc...then I threw him out before oc was born...H moved back within 2 weeks of oc being born and the stalking games began!!!

She was "our friend" along with her H so I understand your knowing you H gave her ammo to stalk you.

Grocery stores, department stores, walmart, kmart, anywhere ,drugstore,there she was..... called H anytime she felt necessary...
didn't want cs if H would be a father under her terms ?%#@!&*^%%%????

Drove by our home shouting out the window with infant oc in back, windows open!

Dropped off pictures in our mailbox.

Dropped off/ mailed tell all letters to me.
Wrote tell off letters to H.
Went up to H at gas station to ask him if he wanted to hold oc

Had hers and my h's names in our church bulletin printed as if they were married for oc's baptism...and we all were members!!! Including my mom and our friends who knew nothing!

Walked my same route while walking daily and bumped into me (I didn't back down)
Stormed into my H's office one day and ow called 911 told them it was a mistake when they called back

Saw us at a bar and came in with her H...loudly announced A and had oc's picture if anyone wanted to see it (and this was 2003!) I went nuts and called her a fat f'n whore...her and her h were asked to leave...I wanted to kill my H for allowing anything like that to happen on a balmy May night!

Continued to harrass our son and DIL in front of their 1 yr old (our granddaughter) with DIL's grandmother there at our new church festival...ow/H/kids/ all acted up toward son and family~sheese!~ It never went away Cordelia.
We moved recently out of the area and near H's family. No more problems with that....so much more...but wanted to tell you one thing... if you love him....counsel with the Harleys a few times...
It's worth saving your marriage...if I did it with a willing spouse, so can you...willing spouse not always needed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !

They do and will stalk as long as H is with you...Fear not and become a team against ow/oc to protect yourself. Have a protestion order sent (we waited way way too long)
Hope the saga helped you AND LISTEN TO GORGEOUS LYNNG!

Blessings and peace
love
Debi