I've been reading here the last couple of days and I am not even sure where to start. My dad had an affair close to 5 years ago. The OC is now 4.

It was a horrible time after the OC was born. There were court battles and the lawyers made a fortune. Dad eventually decided that contact was not worth it if it meant having the OW in our lives so he signed over sole custody to the OW and waived his rights to visitation. He has not seen OC since she was less than 6 months old. Dad pays CS and any communication goes through a 3rd party. Even after the OW got sole custody she still tried to cause trouble and a restraining order fixed that problem.

My parents went to counseling for 2 years and they have been able to fix their marriage. Mom has forgiven him. From the looks of it they have a very good marriage now.

Okay now my problem. I met the OC by accident a couple of weeks ago. I chose not to have contact with her during the very brief time my parents saw her. She is a beautiful little girl. I still have a very low opinion of her mother but time has erased a lot of the anger I had toward her. I had words with her once when she was pregnant. I called her every name in the book, maybe even made up a few new cuss words in the process. Like I said I have no use for her.

Anyway I met my sister and I felt a connection with her right away. The OW BEGGED and I mean BEGGED me to keep in contact with her. She said my parents would never know. She said she would bend over backwards to make sure OC was available when I had the time and would do all the transportation. I was very surprised. She has never been so accodomating in the past.

I am very tempted to be part of her life. I am an only child. Still I worry about my parents reaction if they were to find out. The OW seems to have grown up A LOT but I don't want to invite this woman back into our lives. I am pretty sure she is over my dad though. Most importantly there is the OC to consider. Say she builds a relationship with me, what if she asks questions about our dad and wants to meet him? Dad does not want contact. I don't want to see her get hurt. The OW says not to worry about it that she will handle it. What do you think?

P.S. The OC does not know I am her brother.

CodyG, welcome and thank you for your thoughts.
I can understand how you feel, I am an only child too. It's kind of nice to have a sibling and as you said she is this small innocent child.

However, I would not do anything without talking to your parents first. This could be a ploy by OW to cause friction in your family again. Something like this always comes back and bites you in the [censored]. Like you said, what do you do if she asks about your father?

If you really want to meet or have contact with OC I would approach your family about it. Let your parents know that you respect their decision not to have contact with OC but that you would like for try and form a relationship with her. You never know, after 4 years and a healthy marriage your parents may want to try it again too.

Whatever you do, do not go behind your parents back. I can only see more heart ache and problems coming from that. Honesty is the best policy. I really believe that.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted. I have two small children of my own and it would be nice to see how things go with you and OC if the two of you do meet.

Hello CodyG,

Welcome to the site. I have a few questions & some advice.
First how old are u? How did you come in contact with OW & OC? Second, no you should not keep this a secret from your parents, it will only come back and slap you in the face later...I would not advise it. I would pull your Dad to the side, and talk to him first, and see his reaction...then I would tell my Mom also. Yes, u r right, the child will ask u questions about her Dad, etc, etc...and may even want to meet him...major dilemma since he wants no contact...but don't get wrapped into the conniving ways of the OW...she could be sincere, but then again, this could be her way of trying to "get back at the situation" so to speak. I don't know. Just talk to your Dad...If you feel that you can handle the relationship without making waves, then fine, but don't make any decisions w/o talking to your parents first. Just my 2 cents.

Hi,

I am 25. I ran into OW and OC at the park on my run. I literally almost ran into them. It was one of the most awkward moments of my life. She seemed sincere. When OC went to play on the swing we were able to talk for a little while. I had to go and I gave her my business card and told her she could e-mail me some of her pictures. She set up and album and there are pictures of her from birth to present. I can tell she is trying hard not to be pushy.

She seemed very sincere but this is a woman who went out of her way to cause my family a great deal of pain. I dread bringing this up with my parents. I thought this whole situation was in the past. I knew the day would come when I would cross paths with the OC but I expected it years and years from now.

Dad retired last year and they live abroad now. That's another reason I am not sure they would be open to contact. Mom and dad love their lives the way it is. Dad's favourite saying is don't fix what's not broken.

I know I have to talk to them. I won't see them before Thanksgiving. I already know what my dads reaction will be and that is don't go down that road. That's what he will say, I have no doubts. I don't have a clue how mom will react. I have a very strong desire to know OC. I just don't want anybody to get hurt especially OC. I think its obvious I need to have a long talk with the OW as well about dad.

I will keep you posted on how it works out. Thanks for the advice.

Codyg,

Well i guess it is good that your parents live abroad...and I can relate to your Dad saying, If it ain't broke, then don't try to fix it. Perhaps this can work out some way or another...just u & OC contact but nothing more...but I would still tell my Dad just to be up front with them. They can either understand or choose to ignore the whole situation, and continue living as they are. I am sure they have been thru more than enough. Take care & good luck. Let us know how things work out.

Hi Codyg,

I'm in similar shoes. My father had an affair and although there is no "official" OC, he did have a long term close relationship with OW's son.

You're a grown man. Your sister is a child. So any contact you have with her at this point would include her mother. Your parents have chosen not to bring this woman back into their lives and you owe it to them to respect their wishes.

If you want this connection be upfront about it with your parents. Hiding is lying and there’s been enough lying in your parents marriage and your family. I understand wanting to have a connection with your sister – but if your wants will cause pain, then you will have to wait. Your dad didn’t and look where it led. Don’t follow in his footsteps.

I would also be very careful about your interactions with OW. There’s potential for more drama and mess there – even if she’s “grown up”.

I know you don’t want anyone, including the OC to be hurt. Unless this is all handled with EVERYONE’s knowledge and agreement – then someone along the line IS going to be hurt.

DadsD

Please talk to your parents first.
Your father betrayed his wife with this women. When your mother finds out you have become involved with OW, even if it is only for the sake of oc, she will feel the same sense of betrayal.
I am sure you do not want to be the one to cause your mother more pain.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: Jtigger ]</small>

jtigger took the words right out of my mouth

DITTO what jtigger said.

Honesty will be the best policy and you really dont know what mental state the xow is in.

She may throw this up to your parents in the future to hurt them. Sneaking around, is not good ever. YOUR an adult do what you want just let your parents know before hand PLEASE.

Hi,

I have been reading and I would have to say that I agree with JTigger. This might hurt your mom more than you will ever know. The betrayal and involvement should not be with you too. That might be too much to bear.

Plus I don't think that even after all this time OW should be trusted. It could lead to more pain aand hurt. If you are really concerned about OC why turn her world upside down. It will only confuse her now and more in the future. Her life as she knows it would drastically change, plus how do you think (eventually) she will feel about your mother? Will she be so understanding that she stood in the way of a happy life growing up with mom and DAD? You have now clue what OW has told her and no clue what she will tell her in the future about your family! Why risk it; if your concern is OC?

"if it ain't broke don't fix it" & " Don't rock the boat you just might tip the boat over"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

I wanted to get it over with so I called my parents this morning (my time). They said they discussed this long ago and decided that I had to make my own decision. Mom said if I got to know OC and she would be fine with it. Dad did not say that. He told me he did not have the right to ask me not to get to know OC but I better think long and hard about the doors I will be opening. He said he could not be the father that OC deserves. He would talk to her on the phone or even visit when they came to the states (2x per year) if she wanted contact but that was all he was capable of.

In a case like that he said he thinks OC would be better off emotionally if he was not in the picture at all.

He also said that I better never let my guard down around OW, she is cunning and manipulative and only does what is in her best interest.

Last thing he said that if he did have contact with OC after we established a relationship if the OW caused any trouble even once all contact from him would cease. He would not be willing to try again until she was 18.

Now I am more confused than ever. It's a given OC will ask about dad if I am in her life. At least now I don't have to worry about dad rejecting her but he will only play a very small part in her life (if OW allows it). That's another thing do I want to get in OC life if OW will not allow the possibility of her meeting my dad if OC wants to.

There are more negatives than positives but I so want to get to know her. Before I can make a decision I need to talk to the OW. Dad told some signs to look out for to test her sincereity. He said she is chalked full of sob stories and will try and pull at my heart strings. He said if she does that if I have any sense I better walk away and don't look back. If she takes responsibilty for her past deplorable behaviour maybe that is a sign she has changed but to never let my guard down.

Dad knows her better than I do so I have only his advice to go on. I hope the OW is not playing games or wants to try and even some old score. I will keep you updated.

I am glad you spoke to them first.

Most OW that have acted insane like in the past usually just are looking for an inch to jump back into her xom life. MOST are bpd (borderline personality disorder) any contact or attention negative even is all they need to feed on.

From what you described thats kinda what I got from your posts. Be Careful.
Good Luck

Dad told me she is a narcissist. I will keep my guard up.

Cody, coming from the other side of this........I think you do need to talk to the ow and find out what she expects from all parties. It is going to be very hard to explain to this child (if she finds out your her half brother) about your dad. Frankly it's not your place........it's his. Who really knows what went on between your dad and this ow. REally. Who knows. Things happen to us to make us go a bit nuttie and regret our actions later. Non of the less it's not up to you to take sides or feel sorry for either your dad or the ow. I think it's great that you want to get to know this oc. She is afterall your sister. I hate the whole half and step sibling thing. My kids think that my oc is there SISTER......no halfs nothing but there sisters. But they live with each other. I think that until your parents and ow and you have talked it's best not to tell this child your related. No matter what the circumstances it is hard for a child to understand why there dad was not around regardless if it was he was married or he remarried, or his job or he was just immature. I make this very clear to the ow as well that you won't get in the middle of her and your dad's relationship........it would only confuse you more and probaly cause hardships down the line with all involved. Take it one step at a time. I think it's great though that you want to form a relationship with this child. Family is the most important thing a person can ever have in life. Just don't get yourself hurt in the process. I know you've probaly gotten over the hurt from when it happened, but you've met her and it's reality now. I wish you luck and please keep us updated and I really hope it works out for you.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

Do you know if your sister at 4 has any idea of who her father is or what does she know from OW?

I think this will only hurt OC more as she gets older, not knowing her fatherNow, if ALL parties can use the other country thing as the reason- and limit the contact because of being so far then OC will only know that YOU live close, and that her dad lives so far. And always having this scenario will not hurt her- it will just be the way things always were.Dad lives far away, period.

Its a hard decision... a tangled web. I think its great that your mom is okay w/this. This is a good sign that things on your family's end will be okay w/this. OW will be easy to keep away from harming your family at all, being the contact w/dad is limited cause of distance. What can she do to you if you are on alert to the possible scenarios that your father gave you.. you are no dummy and will be able to determine if she is toying w/you at all.

OW could have grown and changed a lot in 4 years. Having your child not know her family can change you and make you see things in a more real light- i.e. she wants her little girl to know her brother. I hope this is the case.

I say get to know your sister! Your parents were very fair and open minded about this and I am very impressed w/their logical and open minded response. Go for it and I think it will all work out... good luck and please do keep us posted!!!

I have a brother who was an OC - my parents were not married yet but engaged and my oldest brother and he are the same age. I still have not met him, as I found out a couple years ago and have not made that call to him yet (I actually have his number)... I want to but at this age its just so hard to dive into this .. and it does
hurt me to know that he is an only child, his mother is deceased and never knew his father or his 4 brothers and me.... I get nervous about calling the first time- what do you say, etc... and my brothers feel the same. If we could have known him years ago like you have the chance to, well I wish we could have.

Cody,
each situation is different and one solution won't apply to all OC situations.

needtomoveon is implying that you can get XOW's perspective, but IF she IS as bad as you describe, you are NOT going to get an honest answer out of XOW!! That really complicates things. Just the fact XOW tried to reel you into dishonesty against your parents is a huge red flag!

I agree with it depends on what OC knows about her biofather. If XOW already teaches OC who biodad is, then your contact won't be that big a deal. But if OC does NOT know about biodad and gets some other teaching on the matter, then your contact makes a big change and emotional impact in long run.

Obviously it would be best if XOW (and anyone else) had OC's best interests at heart and tried to make any contact work to child's emotional advantage. But if XOW's got another agenda... Yikes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you do decide on contact, take it very SLOWly, keep it public and short visits for awhile. This is what counselor told hubby and I when we recently began visitation with OC after 6y overseas. You don't know if this mother will turn on you and accuse you of hurting OC, or what weirdness could happen. And if you must break off contact due to XOW, you don't want that to be a big change for OC.

That's my 2c today.
Best wishes,
J

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

I just want to elaborate on the OW "encouraging" me to be dishonest.

Now by her saying that she would not tell my parents there are 2 possible reasons. She is trying to cause problems or she has not really thought this whole contact thing through yet. She has not really considered the impact my presence will bring to OC's life and the questions this will open about dad.

As far as mom, dad, and OW getting together its not going to happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The more I think about it the more I come to conclude that contact is not a good idea. I will be getting married next summer. If she was in my life I would like to invite OC. My parents would certainly be there. You see one way or another they would eventually run into each other. Contact is unavoidable unless I don't invite OC to my wedding but that would be cruel not to include her.

I won't make a final decision until I talk to OW. I have already decided that its not a good idea for contact to happen anytime soon. OW needs more time to think about the consequences of me being in OC's life and well I need more time to think about it. You have given me so much to think about.

I am not sure when I will talk to OW but it will be sooner rather than later. I will let you know how it goes.

Jenny states:
needtomoveon is implying that you can get XOW's perspective, but IF she IS as bad as you describe, you are NOT going to get an honest answer out of XOW!! That really complicates things. Just the fact XOW tried to reel you into dishonesty against your parents is a huge red flag!

Uh, no I wasn't. All I said was he does not know what happened, and it's not his place to know. It's over, and now there is a child that he would like to know, just don't get caught in the middle.

Cody, I think your right. I also BTW think it's a good thing you talked to your parents about this instead of doing it behind there back....adult or not. YOu have a lot to consider and I think your being very adult about the decisions and putting everyone's feelings into it which is good. Good luck!!!!!! BTW......I in NO way said for you to get the xow's side of the story.

needtomoveon, I did not mean to offend you.

You did say: "...talk to the ow and find out what she expects from all parties."

And I'm saying IF she has a hidden agenda, if she's plotting trouble, she's NOT going to say so. She hasn't shown cooperation in the past; not likely to change. He can have that conversation, but take it with a grain of salt.

You made other good points to Cody.

I wish everyone well.
J

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Jenny I am sorry........took it wrong and probally did not word it right. Of course he has to take it with a grain of salt...He does not know this woman and only knows what his family went through. I think I was trying to say to him that his dad has his side and she has her side and if she tries to bring him into that (bad motive) he better nip it in the butt at that point. I hope if Cody does have contact with that child that her motives are real and for her daughters sake and not for personal venditictivness (sp).