I've been a "lurker" on here for several months now and have posted just twice - not getting much response - probably because of the way I posted.

Here's the skinny. My WS had a couple encounters after drinking heavily with OW. Met her at the bar - very small town here - she's known as the town slut. Result - she has now produced a second child born (first not WH’s) in the same manner she had her first. All to do with the bar scene. First is now 11 yrs. She is 36 - - no spring chicken and to still be "behaving" this way.

OC was born 09/08/04. My WS was there - unbenownst to me at first. Very long story, but she has a nutty stepfather in town who took it upon himself (after she went to his home in labor and he called the ambulance to take her to the hospital because she didn't know she was even in labor and thought she was having other problems) to go down to my husband's place of work. He works for the City and SF makes a huge to do in front of co-workers about the woman being in trouble and he had to call ambulance etc and she had no one there. You see her family has ostracized her and she has NO and I mean NO friends.

So, my WH being the person who's not going to look bad in anyone's eyes takes off to go to the hospital. I find out he's there and called him there and asked him to come home that he didn't belong there and owed OW nothing - only obligation he had was to child after born. Instead of coming home, he chose to leave the hospital and go on a drinking binge.

He had had contact with her just once during the pregnancy when she called and accused me of making phone calls to her work place (which didn’t happen) and then oh by the way, money is running short and asked him for $100. He gave it to her. I explained to him all along that he didn't owe her anything until after baby was born and paternity established. He was not responsible for her prenatal care. But - again being the guy who doesn't want to look bad in anyone else's eyes but mine I guess, he gives her the money.

So now back again at OC (boy) being born. WH feels responsible and wants contact. I've been trying to work this through with him, but he uses the thing that I just want control of the situation and I'm supposed to let him make the decisions. I explain to him how we both need to work this out and come to agreement that the decisions affect our life together and our families.

I’ve asked him to not have any contact with her until paternity is established (test results 10/5), but he feels he should be doing something. We’ve bought diapers twice. I don’t hold out any hope that OC is not his. I ask him over and over what does he think he needs to be doing? Let’s talk about it and come to some agreement. I still don’t think he needs to have any C with her by himself without me there in the vehicle at least. He doesn’t seem to think this is ok because I just want control and I would intimidate her. Well if I intimidate and she’s uncomfortable or gets angry then that’s her problem. Other than writing her a short to the point letter the first two weeks I found out about this (I didn’t call her names etc), I haven’t done or said a thing to her. She chose this path and she chose to spread her legs with a married man right and there are consequences to those actions. I explained to him that I’m certain that she thinks that any contact he has with her is only giving her “hope” that he’s going to come live with her and kids and be one happy family. He’s told me over and over again that that won’t happen.

Another thing we have to deal with is the fact that we have three adult children that need to be considered. How are they going to react? I think he thinks they’ll be ok with it and just adjust and all will be fine. Have any of the rest of you faced this and how did your adult children react?

It’s my even after our conversation this morning about him not having any contact unless I’m with or a third party is with, he’ll do it anyway. He seems to think that he should give her some money. I told him that’s fine, I’ll take a check over there this afternoon and give it to her. Maybe that would be an icebreaker and she would know that I’m not a bad person that we need to be adults and think of the baby’s needs first. But no my WH doesn’t want to upset her because she said she doesn’t want any controversy or hassle. That again, this is just my way of “controlling” and he needs to do these things.

Sound familiar anyone. I have read and reread and will continue to read the Marriage Builder’s site EN, POJA, Plan A, B etc. But… how do you do it entirely by yourself if your husband isn’t cooperating wholly or even in part most of the time?

Sounds like they are still in a relationship otherwise he would be A okay with you being involved. I also would not give her another dime or diaper without a cs order or else you will be finding yourself paying all over again with the money you give her considered a gift

I know for a fact that there has been no physical contact between the two of them. He says he has no ties to her other than the fact that she is the baby's mother and he wants to keep peace. I'm with you with you that bascially - If you have nothing to hide, then hide nothing - - so why then would he have a problem with me accopanying him to her place? He says the reason is that we gain nothing by Pi..ng her off. Well, my thought is she's going to be Pi..ed off sooner than later, so let's get it over with move forward.

The sooner that she sees we stand as a couple, then the sooner we can get on with what's best for all - right???

INS, I'm so glad you have found our group. We are sorry to have to welcome you here. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Depending on which state you are in, I would so some checking on CS and the rules. Is the money and items he is giving her considered gifts or will it be deducted from the CS when the test come in and it is set. I know in mine it is a gift. Reading here is a great place to start but check w/ the human services in your state. The DNA test has been done already and you are just waiting for the results? I would first try to sit your H down and tell him you need to be a team if you are going for C. Its not teaming up against her it is teaming up for your family. As you will find our here the OW really is not concerned for your family nor what your children think of their father. They are older and will be very harsh on their judgements of him and what he has done. I would be honest w/ them and let them know. But the first order of business should be your M and the PJOA. Read on the plan a and plan b and pray about what you need to do. He needs not to worry about looking bad for HER family but how he looks to his and you. He has to make you first and complete honesty w/ you will be a start, not the forgiveness before permission thing. But you have to sho him that you are there for him and to let him know he can be honest w/o you hitting the roof everytime. (Which is a hard thing to tame! ) I wish you all the luck and praying for you and your family. Have you told the young adults (kids to you) yet? You need to keep in mind that you are important and how you feel should matter to him more than anything else!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Oh yes, we did have that stage of lets not piss her off. My H thought if I did not become involved or make any demands, she would come to some kind of deal after all she had professed wanting nothing but his child. Here is the real deal once she realizes you two are still together all deals are off. Our deal breaker was asking for DNA testing she didn't want to appear to be the ho she was in public. Might as well piss her off and make it legal there are no deals when one person is not getting her way.

Oh its for me! Thats so funny that is the same thing our OW said she didn't want to look like a whore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh this must be the classic OW excuse not to have the DNA. Would you not want to PROVE to someone that their child is theirs. Sign me up cause I KNOW who is the father of my child and will take a test to prove I WASN"T a whore? I guess that is the difference in being a lady and being a whore, huh? But that was classic! Thanks I needed to smile today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have discussed it with my son 29. SD knew about the pregnancy, but as far as I know doesn't know about birth yet. Not sure about SS, and I haven't discussed with him.

I've tried to do all of those things about letting him know if he's honest with me from the beginning that I won't be in the crisis "react" mode and my response will be better, but he never tries it. It's always the other way around. I've done everything from yelling and screaming, to talking calmly, to saying nothing at all. It seems as if he often tries to push me to the "react" mode, so he has an excuse.

I'm really so afraid of carrying out a Plan B. I'm afraid that his spontaneous poor choices and drinking will result in me losing all love and any respect I have for him.

I've had tried and tried to explain to him that we need to stand together as a team to and family to work out the C thing. He seems to think I'm not "rational" enough to make those decisions. Quite the opposite although a good excuse for him.

I've also tried to explain to him that we need to be strong as a couple to make the best decisions, that our marriage should be the number 1 priority. AGain - he just doesn't get it I guess. The point is he apparently does "worry" about what she thinks. He says because he wants peace, but I really have to doubt those are the real reasons.

I'm a strong personality and don't mince many words. I like to get things out in the open and find solutions to them.

That is too funny. She said same thing. Like what was he thinking as far as a paternity test questioning her. Itforme - your post is exactly what I told him will happen. Why don't they see it. I have NO doubt that the her "fantasy land" phase will end and then here comes trouble. WH seems to think if he keeps all apart and peaceful then all will be fine. When do they get it or do they? Did either of you have to do Plan B - - Sunny or Itsforme? Sunny, like I said I've been lurking on her for some time and you have great insight.

I did plan b first. I never knew for sure if he was seeing her and we had other issues so I filed for D and left. I found this site after that. Then he cries and begs to come home and he does and a month later OW is pg. But we where still having ALOT of issues when he came home. No excuse to see OW for that all too famous "one last time" But we have good days, and we still have the "fog" days, which from ready is normal when you have C w/ ow&oc. He has shown to put me first and be honest is all I ask. So as long as that happens I will be there for him. If not, plan B again. I'm not a good one on plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

You're still operating in the fog occasionally? How long has it been? Where is the plan b info. I have looked and looked and should know where to find, but can't. Thanks

I went under the inf. section and its there on the left side. There is also a forum for plan a and b so you can go there and talk to them over there too. The fog sets in when we are doing visitations and stuff as far as what she wants, what the laws says we are intitled to and what I feel as a family should have. But anytime the ow talks to the H you can bet your butt she is tring to put the fog back and doubts and good ole acting like the nut he was when this child was created. Its been since 2-03 since the plan b and since 10-3 moving home / early 04 learning of the pg so I'm still real new at this. I take what God gives me on a daily basis and I pray about in and work on ME! Cause though all of this me and God have made ME the best ME I can be!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Thank you Sunny D. Like your insight on the fog issue. Agree that is exactly what she is doing when he speaks with her, but of course they don't see it. She doesn't want anything, just peace - blah, blah. Well she didn't never have peace. We are in an extremely small town (no stoplights) and I have "run" into her driving down the street and haven't acknowledge one way or the other. Her and her keeping the peace like I have done something is beyond me. After you learned the whole truth, did your WH still try to remain in c with OW?

Yes and now she calls when the baby eats, craps, and burps. And he doesn't see that either. To talk about visits and attorneys and doing all the legal stuff. I realize that people w/ children have to talk, so talk they may, but there is a limit and you have to put it in there. Tell him like I do mine what you will and will not except. And be honest about it. Cause their brains are you know where (which got us here LOL) and dont think anything is wrong w/ it.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D