i would like to know why the bs has to hide anything from his/her spouse once the affair is exposed.what they tell us cant hurt any worse then what we already know.if the bs wants to work things out then why not just come clean with everything. what are they afraid of.

i made a mistake...is should of been wondering spouse...sorry about the mix up

mishele,

Just so you know,,,you can correct anything or change your post (edit) by clicking on the paper and pencil icon on the top of your post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Michele
Who knows? I guess the embarrassment of their actions is paralyzing and they don't want all the facts to be known.

My stbx denied having sex for a very long time. I knew better but couldn't for the longest time get him to admit it. Finally, while drunk, told me in the worst way possible. It would have been better to have told me up front in a kinder way.

I think that during the affair, everything seems rational, but once out of the affair, it all seems so silly and shallow.

I too agree that it makes no sense. Why not get it all out and deal with it. My stbx never confessed to all that he had done. Much of it like the sex was so obvious but he is so immature that he can't handle it as a man should do. Something that was modeled to him by his parents. They were weak and hate filled people who suffered lonely deaths...evey he couldn't be there for them.

The difference lies in people. Some people are mature enough to stand accountable for their actions and do all they can to repair the damage. Others are of weak character which is more than likely why they were involved in the affair to begin with. While recovering from an affair is horrible either way, I believe people of weak character have never ending suffering. They don't have the sense to know that once something is dealt with, one can grow and learn from the hard times.

In the long run, secrets and lies hurt the perpetrator more than the victims. It's often difficult to see that but it's true.

I think WS are not completely honest w/ some things because they don't want to face it themselves.

For example: we call it an "affair" so that we do not crudely say--sex w/ someone who was not my spouse, or straight out adultery.

So those details are reminders of somethign very disgusting if you think about it.

Sex is great w/ your spouse & might [I]feel[I] nice w/ someone else but NOT if you LOOK @ the realisty of it.

A WS who is sneaking around-getting quickies here & there, selfishly fulfilling their own needs/desires while ignoring the desires/needs of the spouse @ home......that is disgusting behavior. Who wants to say it out loud?

We as BS want to hear it all (some of us) or we want to know the basics, either way we want to be informed so that nothign remains secret anymore---so that we are now a PART of what we were once left out of---& naturally our WS does not want to come right out & say-I had SEX w/ someone else--I lied to you.

For some WS, they don't want to tell becasue the 'fantasy' will then be shattered & they will have to face realtiy---that what they are doing is WRONG. Once it is out in the open-a remorseful spouse will be disgusted by their behavior & there might be some actual concern of hurting the BS more than the plain fact of cheating. Like, you know WS cheated but do you want a tape running through your head of where, hwen & what position? Get the idea?

**********
**********
It's all a crazy thing anyway. As a BS and NOT a WS, I don't think I will ever fully understand my H thought process of how he allowed himself to do something like that unless I had an affair myself---& even then---I wouldn't fully understand because I would have an entire history of consequences that I am already dealing w/---it would be like seeing the future already of what would/could happen. kwim?
**********
**********
When I would ask my H some questions-he would wonder WHy I would want to know. He would ask me-you already know that I cheated-you know I had sex w/ her----how can any details really change any of that--it's bad enough that it happened--so why the need to know the details-it won't sound any better than what you already know.

He had a point. I just wanted to ask, to know that he would answer!

As a WS, I know that my W is (unfortunately) able to come up with much worse pictures and scenarios in her head than what *really* happened. She is completely convinced that I met the OW more than the 3 times I really did, and that I am still seeing her. She is also convinced that if there was one, there are probably many more she doesn't know about. I am attending meetings at our church to deepen my faith and grow closer to God, but my W believes that I am having an A with someone there - even though she knows that it is a genuine church meeting, and that she is welcome to attend any time she wants.

When my W asks a question about the A, I try and answer her as honestly as possible, but I try not to give "additional" information since experience has shown that *will* only hurt more. (Unfortunately, that could be considered a form of lying, and if any additional questions are asked that result in "new" information [although I'm now convinced she *does* know *everything*] that is a major LB'er for the BS.)

While it is natural for the BS to want to know everything, some (like, my wife, alas) will find that continually asking questions about what happened does not allow them to move on. If I could, I would undo the A. I cannot, and if the marriage is to survive we must work *together* and move forward. I hope and pray that we can, for the sake of our unborn child.

Remember also, as a BS, by looking to the past, instead of the future, you may be LB'ing - telling you FWS that you can never forgive them and are not willing to move forward could cause more harm than good to the long-term success of your marriage.

God Bless,
Richard

THANK YOU RICHARD FOR RESPONDING.UNFORTUNATELY MY H HASNT ANSWERED ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS A OR THE OW OR HIS OC. I NEED MY QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED IN ORDER FOR ME TO FORGIVE HIM. I CANNOT FORGET WHAT HAPPEN BUT I CAN FORGIVE HIM. I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER...BUT HE FAILS TO REALIZE THAT HE CANT HURT ME ANYMORE THEN HE ALREADY HAS. HE NEEDS TO BE HONEST WITH ME ABOUT EVERYTHING. WE NEED TO DO THIS AS A TEAM...

Mishele,

I think H is not being honest because he is embarrassed, and maybe also has feelings for OW and is trying to protect that for whatever reason. I am sorry for being so blunt. Don't ask him anything else. Let him wonder about what u are thinking, and that may eventually lead him to open up...men are like babies, they like attention, and if u are not paying him any attention, nagging him, questioning him, he will see the change in u, and start wondering why...or maybe even feel that he is loosing u. It works.

Just try this and see what happens. (I know easier said than done...but men again are funny creatures, they will run for comfort where there is peace...where there is no questioning, no bickering, nothing.)I know it doesn't seem fair, but sometimes u have to do what u have to do to make things right. Just my 2 cents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mishele:
<strong> UNFORTUNATELY MY H HASNT ANSWERED ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS A OR THE OW OR HIS OC. I NEED MY QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED IN ORDER FOR ME TO FORGIVE HIM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mishele,

I'm sorry that your husband appears to have taken that path. It seems to suggest that (as you observed) he doesn't realize the pain he caused you, and is continuing to cause by his actions. I understand your need to hear the truth, or at least as much of it as you need to know in order to understand, and work through the pain. My thoughts and prayers (and those, no doubt of many on this site) are with you. That may not be enough... but at least it is something.

God Bless,
Richard